Help! 3Yr Old Out of Control!

Hi Rebecca,

We have a 3 year old that is having similar behavior issues. His ped. said that this is common at this age and to just be consistant and don't give in. A friend of mine had me watch a Love & Logic video (you can get it at the library, there is a book too) There were several suggestions on how to handle little ones with big attitudes. We are going to be using some of the suggested stradgies. One thing that stuck out to me is that you should never let them see how you are frustrated or upset, I have used this over the last few days and it works. Just put on a smile no matter how you feel. He will soon learn you are in charge and nothing he does can change that. I wish you all the bast with him.

M.

Consistency is the key. Supernanny, Love & Logic and 1-2-3 Magic are all great resources for help with discipline. You sound like you need some time for yourself. Get your husband to keep the kids one night a week and just go hang out with a friend, have some coffee. If mom's not happy, nobody's happy.

Good luck!

Rebecca,

I know how you feel. My 3 year old girl is the ultimate negotiator & it drives me crazy. I have had those days when I am in tears also. It is so frustrating!! My sister gave me this book to read called Setting Limits with your Strong Willed Children author Robert J. MacKenzie. I am about 1/2 way through it has given me a new perspective on how I discipline my kids. It is a very basic book but I have started using the tools in the book & this past week was much better than it has been in weeks(months). We have to just stay firm & not negotiate. Easy read! It helped my sister with her oldest son.

Sorry so long. Please e-mail me with questions ____@____.com let me know how things go.

-PS

Hi Rebecca,
Oh, I feel for you. Well the best advice I can give is you have to get back in control of him no matter what. My daughter played a little game with me a few times which lasted about 2 hours for one. She would not listen when I told her to sit down when she wouldnt listen to me. She kept getting up and up and up, I ended up just yelling at her, spanking her tush - and it didnt matter. She just wanted her way. I didnt give up though. She was crying, I was holding mine in and I ended up grabbing a big trash bag and said, "okay fine, everytime you dont listen i will take one of your toys and throw them away-each time you get up or say no" She still got up like 20 times and i had that bag almost full of her favorite things in it. She finally stayed seated on the floor but kept talking. I said, I want you to zip it, I dont want to hear anything come out of your mouth until I say when. She'd say, no. Then I would take another toy and put in bag. She finally just sat there, tears down her face, it broke my heart but I knew I had to be in control. She ended up sitting there without a word for like 15 minutes by the end of this. It was very hard to do this struggle with her but after that battle, she knows she has to listen. I think your son knows he can just get his way. I would honestly - everytime he does something to disrespect you or not listen grab one of his most valued items to him and put them in a trash bag and say you will give them to someone who will appreciate them. As long as you stay consistent with this and DONT let him get away with anything!! until he shapes up, I think it could work out for you. Just dont give up or he'll always stay in control. You have to let him know, your them mom and your the boss and if he doesnt want to except it he will get all his privelages taken from him.
I hope it works out for you. Keep me updated. Thanks, K.

Rebecca, you have my sympathy...I had to put my son in a time out just to write this to you! Anyway, I've read the other posts and I have to agree with using LOVE AND LOGIC. It really works! Best part: it doesn't preach to parents on how to be a good parent when the child is being good....that's easy! It only covers what to do when they act up. Some of the techniques are not very easy at first, although I did get the hang of it after about a week or two. My son now tells me after timeouts that he's "calm, quiet, and pleasant to be around"('cause he don't get let out til he is)!

Also, Rebecca, take the advice of other posters--take TIME for yourself. If you aren't taking care of yourself, in whatever way YOU need, you won't be in any condition to care for your 3. My specific advice for this is to start a babysitting co-op, where a group of mothers trade popsicle sticks(1stick=1hour)to watch each other's kids. Google it and go from there...it took me some time to organize and find willing Mothers, but it's sooo worth it, and FREE.

Rebecca,
Your child is still very young, but when I read your note, it made me remember when my very young child acted the same way. I took her to doctors and gurus and specialists and they were all impressed with her "s****" as she had had open heart surgery when she was 14 months. One actually said "BRAVO FOR HER"......I was like.....OH MY GOSH! Well, it was very difficult and finally she was diagnosed with ADHD. I saw it when she was very young, but it wasn't until she was 5 that the so called specialists.....(you know, the ones that read all the BOOKS about this, but dont' live it) finally diagnosed her. It's a tremendous thing to deal with - the disruption, the disrespect and at such a young age. I guess my advise to you at this point, is, when he acts up, pick him up and say "mama loves you so much" and give him a kiss. When he starts school, if he truly is ADHD, it will emerge and you'll have allies then to get treatment or support. Sometimes it's not us as parents, or our styles, rather, it's something biological. Quite honestly, don't feel bad about giving your child a tap on the rear occasionally. My philosophy has always been......One is for them and more than that is for you. An ADHD child does not respond to spanks at all...in that case it's useless. They need love, structure, and consistency. My daughter used to laugh and laugh and laugh when I put her in time out. I started an earn/lose program with her........you do something good, you earn a dime. You do something bad you lose 2 dimes. At the end of the week you can go shopping......that helped some. I let her get what she liked, even if it was candy lol. Good luck!

I am also working on NOT yelling, its hard. I get sick of listening to myself after 6 hours. I think he is looking for negitive attention. Try keeping him busy doing healthy, fun things. Like painting, play doh, going outside for walks or to the park. Whenever he starts to misbehave I believe in a warning and then time outs. I place my 2 yr old in her crib becaues she refusues to sit in a chair. I put a timer on and she is in there for 2 minutes then I calmly talk to her when it beeps about why she is put on time out. BOY does she know how to test me though, and i think its a control issue. He wants to see you stressing becaues then he knows he is on control of the situation. So Mom needs to remain calm, and never give up. If you have to drag his little behind back to the time out spot, keep doing it. He'll realize (hopeful sooner than later) that Mom is in charge and not going to give in.
ALSO, you need time away from the kids, really, its a huge destresser. Even going shopping by yourself or out to dinner with a friend once a week :)
I so know what you are going through, but the three year old is going through a phase.

Hi Rebecca,

My name is A. David and I am a mom of three. My middle child is 4 and she throughs fits when she don't get her way! What I have learned it she is trying to get my attention and since I respond to bad behavior she does this every time she wants my attention! I have learned to take more time with her if she is getting upset about something I drop everything and talk to her and play with her for a few minutes and if I am busy say feeding her brother then I find something fun like "sit down and color grandma a card and show her how much you love her. Hang in their she is alomost 5 and everyday it gets eaiser!!! DON'T FORGET to take time for YOURSELF!!!! I know how hard this is my husband works alot sometimes I have to ask another mom or the neighbor girl to watch them and then go have a cup of coffee alone with no kids hanging on you!!! Take Care and Good Luck!!! IF you want to talk my email is ____@____.com

Hi Rebecca, maybe try supernanny website??? I know that it has alot of info. Sorry I am not much help, I just have an infant, so have not got to the toodler stage yet. Have you tried giving him rewards for good behavior instead of taking things away for bad behavior? Maybe once he figures out that he gets rewarded for good behavior, then he won't act out? Just a thought, hope you find a resolution.

I also have a 3 yr old. And he does exactly the same thing. He laughs in my face when I try to punish him and when I tell him to do something or he will get punished, he looks at me and says "no I'm not". And also like your child, he is better when his dad is around. My advice is to just try to stay calm and walk away. Also after he has actually made me cry, I tell him why I was crying, and what he needs to do so that he won't make me cry. My son usually apologies and behaves for awhile longer. Basically make your child realize what he is doing to you. I also use "just wait til your daddy gets home". Sometimes that works for me.

You do sounds stressed and caring for 3 children round the clock will do that. Can you get a little break for an hour or 2 2 times a week. Maybe a nice reliable teenage girl to come and play with the kids (your 3 yr old too) after school? you can pay a minimal $8-10 for 2 hours? Also now that is nice out get t the park and give the kids exercise, and youself should help releive the stress. Here's what I have done to help either of my children 2 and 5 when they seam unreasonable, give thenm options and choices. the three yr old may want control and simply giving him a chice on everything may help him feel he has control What colr shirt, ick one out, do yu want to read books or color now? give choices all day on everything and that may difuse some of the misbehavior.
Prayer is also my best option when I am at my wits end. Give my self quite time and calm down and ask God to give my patience and thank God for the gift of my beautiful children who need my love, patience and direction. Thoe extra few minutes to regroup will help you keep your cool. I do not beleive in spanking or any physical punishment. Seperating him by askig him to go to room and my holding the door shut is what I have done to seperate my girls when they are misbehaving. God bless you, you can do it!

The good news is that your son is able to control his behavior when dad is around - that means he is capable of learning to control himself with you, too. Basically, you are going to have to get tough. Many moms I have worked with have a very difficult time following through with effective discipline because it makes them feel like they are not being "nice". Of course we want our kids to love and adore us, but when you are the parent, it is not "nice" to allow a child to walk all over you. It sets them up for failure because one of the most improtant things we teach our kids is how to have mastery over themselves. How can we expect them to master their behavior when we cannot even manage it? Not only that, but in my work with families I strongly feel that when kids bad behavior escalates, they are on a deep unconscious level BEGGING their caregiver to take control. Imagine how scary it must feel to be a vulnerable 3 year old and not be secure in the knowledge that the adult in charge is not really in control! It sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed having three small ones at home - which is understandable, but I will tell you, things will not get better until you learn to take charge. It can be very tough at first, but it will only get harder the longer you wait. You said you tried taking things away. Perhpas you did not continue with this strategy long enough. Kids will make it tough and they will try to wear you down. What's worse is, if you have given in to his tantrums in the past, he now has the idea that he will eventually get his way if he just keeps it up long enough. I like the idea of taking toys, movies and books away. Putting a kid in time-out is tough because it it hard to keep him in one spot without tying him down! But you can put all the 'fun stuff' in a room and lock the door. Give him the idea that he can earn back his stuff, item by item as he displays to you that he will listen and obey. Bad behavior arises, back the toy goes into the room. It may take up to a week or two (or even longer depending on how head-strong your kid is), but if you stand firm in your resolve to NOT GIVE IN, he will eventually learn he cannot manipulate you. Above all, DON'T FEEL BAD because you are teaching him one of the most improtant lessons a 3 year old needs to learn and you will be giving him the deep satisfaction of knowing his mommy can keep him safe because she is strong in the world. Good luck!