Having Trouble Juggling Family, Work and School

Hi M.:

Your kids are the most important thing in this world. How can you love them and yet be away from them almost 100% of their waking hours? What must they think in your absence? or feel not having their mother's love and warmth? We always hear about how troubled or traumatized adults were treated or not treated as infants or children. A mother's presence is the most loving, influential aspect in growing up. (We're not talking abusive moms here)

You don't have to follow your parent's advice to the letter. Make your own rules now. The big plus is that you HAVE the love and support of a loving husband. Try to be there more for them. Good luck.

Dear M.,

I feel for you, it sounds like you have a very heavy load to carry. I agree with you that you are trying to do too much at one time. Work and school are good things, but your family is also very important. It seems that you are not really able to spend much time with your children. These first 5 years are so crucial to developing your relationship with them and them with you. They need to know that they matter to you and if you're always gone, they will build their trust and bonds with someone else. You will also miss out on many important steps in their lives. God has given them to you to love and train; each day is a gift that should be treasured and used to enjoy them and teach them about life.

If you do not need to work for the finances, then I encourage you to stay home with the kids at this time in their lives. They will only be young once, don't miss out on these important years. It's great that you have a supportive husband and that he wants to take care of you. Let him! It doesn't make you any less important. Marriage is about teamwork, it doesn't matter who brings home the paycheck. Each person contributes to the family whether you're bringing home money, cooking, cleaning or raising the children. Raising a family is a huge job already...stay at home moms don't get a paycheck, but the work that they do is irreplaceable and so critical to the well-being of their children.

It also sounds like you there isn't much time or energy left for you and your husband in your own relationship. Don't let school or work rob you of enjoying and strengthening your marriage. A good marriage needs attention and affection too.

You have had to face many hardships on your own. It's great that you now have your husband, your life partner to deal with the challenges of life. You no longer have to do it all by yourself. This is a good thing. It doesn't mean you're weak; two is better than one. You can accomplish so much more together.

If you still want to work or go to school, have you considered a part-time job or just taking one class to lighten your load? It's easy to want to do everything all at once, but you have to set your priorities, know your limits and make decisions together with your husband that will benefit the whole family.

Hope this has been helpful.

L.

Honestly, why don't you let your life partner carry the load for a while? Spend time with the kids and take your classes. I mean,let him bring in the family income. You are young, and can physically do it, but at that pace, you will easily burn out, and I feel that the kids are missing out on YOU. Let me know what you decide. :)

First of all, congratulations for accomplishing all that you have done and for doing all that you are. Don't beat yourself up over feeling overwhelmed and having trouble letting go. It's really hard to give up control of things you're so used to doing yourself and it's really hard to rely on other people and be ok with it.

You do need to take time for yourself though, it's hard to do things well with so much on your plate - when I went back to work after baby#2 I really struggled with not being able to work more than 8 hours a day, make real meals at home and just feel like I'm being a good wife/mother/employee. luckily I have a great boss, also with kids, who made me feel that as long as I've done a full 8 productive hours, after that I need to shut it off and go be a mom to my 2 little ones. If there's any chance of you working part time, that may help you regain some balance. I've learned to let some of the little things go too - so I didn't clean the house this week, it's not going to hurt anyone if it waits. I wish you the best of luck! Hang in there.

Hi M.,

You are making a huge mistake!!!!! These are the formative years for your children and this is when their personalities and behavior are molded. You will not get these years back and you are missing them! Your #1 job is to be there for your children. You are fortunate to having such a supportive husband, but your children need you, a nurturing mother to be there for them. M., I understand your need for financial security, but you are very young and have plenty of time to develop your career. Also, this combination of work and school is not good for your marriage either. Trust me, my mother tried going to school and working full-time and she ended up divorced! I hated being a latch key kid and wanted my mother, not my father, to be home so that I could talk to her when I most needed her. I would urge you to either quit your job or postpone getting your schooling until the kids are in full-time elementary school. You will not regret this decision. It is the healthiest decision for you, your children and your marriage. I promise you!!!!

I can't imagine not seeing my children. I applaued you for going to school to better yourself and family, but you have to enjoy your family! If your husand is willing to support you, but your wanting to help fnancially...get a part time job. Good Luck

Hi there!

I really do applaud you for going to work full time and school. I also applaud your parents in instilling such wonderful work ethics and morals for you as a woman. I really that that's great that you have that mentality. However, I do think you are putting too much on yourself, AND your husband. It's wonderful that he's willing to support you in only going to school. I could only imagine how exhausted he is to be working full time (wasn't mentioned but I assume) and then obviously cooking dinner, getting the kids to bed and often picking you up. If you're unwilling to stay at home, I think if you work a couple hours in the morning somewhere, you'd still have the feeling of "pulling your own weight" although, I think taking a break from work altogether would be a good idea if financially you can do it, for the sanity of you all!

You should look at it this way. You aren't having him "support" you in the sense that your parents taught you to not have a man do....you're going to school to have that career, so once you're done with that, you're more than capable and more importantly, willing to do so! Good luck!

If you're able to quit work, go ahead. See if you can do the school courses from home or cut back. You know you can always get a job again if you have to, you know how and you are capable. You will never be one of those women who doesn't know how to take care of herself, I can tell. I know it's hard to let go, but it sounds like you should. Your kids will only be small once, get as much time with them as you can. Take care, C.

Wow, M., of course you are having trouble juggling! You have a very difficult schedule, impossible really. If your family can financially handle your stopping work while you finish school, I think you should do it. You don't say how much more time you have to finish your degree, but I don't think you or your family can sustain this crazy schedule for too long. I think that if you try to keep up this schedule, your schooling and your family will suffer. If you stop work, or go to a much reduced schedule, you can dedicate more time to school (you don't say when you study, and I don't see any time in your schedule for that) and have some time for your kids, and maybe even a minute or two free for yourself. Maybe it would be easier to give yourself permission to do this if you tell yourself that your schooling IS your job. It is clear from your bio that you are a very very responsible and hard-working person, but maybe you can think of dedicating more time to school, which will soon pay-off in a career, as the most responsible choice.

Hey M.,
I understand the need (fear?) to keep a full time job. You sound like a smart, independant and responsible young woman and you should be very proud of yourself!
But obviously, this is too much. If you have a good relationship with a stable man who is willing and able to support you, you owe it to yourself, your husband and your daughters to be at home with them much more than you are now. You are so young, you have so many years ahead of you to work, go to school, whatever....but you only have these precious few formative years with your girls NOW.
If it is too hard for you to quit, maybe you could work part time and continue to take classes (also part time?) Personally, I would just stop working and focus on finishing school, it sounds like that's what you'd like to do anyway (that's what I did.) Best of luck!!!

For pete's sake quit your job! You aren't the only one suffering here - I am sure your babies would love to see their mama more and they should be able to have you. If your husband can support your family, suck it up and quit your job. It's probably both fear and ego that is holding you back, both of which are holding you back from trusting in your husband that 1) he'll take care of you all and 2) he won't leave you holding the bag. You've been the one taking care of everyone for too long, let your husband take care of you right now.

You have a rare opportunity to be a stay at home mom and you should seize that instantly. Despite what your family has put in your head, or our culture, you have been priveleged to be called a mother. You have two little ones that need you more than ever at home. You are replacable at any job but your job to be a mother. Your husband is the man we are all intended to have and it is good and right that he is wants to see you give up some of your load/burden you are carrying. Let him. this is what is is supposed to be about. I never wanted children and was raised the same way you were, my dad did walk out. But when I was pregnant, my world changed. We couldn't really afford for me to quit and we struggled for years but now I have two small boys who I adore and adore me. I have never missed one moment in their lives and I am privleged and blessed to be at home still with them. I'm a type A over achiever, that has worked and footed her own bill since 15 yrs old. I too quit school to work more hours to take care of my mom and brothers. Don't let that influence you and you miss the greatest work of your life, being a stay at home mom. Your littles ones need you and you have an amazing husband. Give him a big kiss and give your job notice.
Enjoy this moment, it'll be gone before you know it!

Let me tell you a litle story...I have a nephew your same age -by marriage, thank God! - who just graduated from film school at USC. He's never had to have or been expected to get a job & has cost my SIL & BIL so much money over the years that they've dipped into their savings to pay for his school & while his younger brother is getting the short end of the stick. He gets a 'job' over the summer but then blows all the money on expensive designer jeans or clothes. He thought he'd come outa film school & jobs working on high budget films would be waiting for him. He has a HUGE sense of entitlement which is VERY common among people your age. You are an exception! Kudos to you for being so responsible & wanting to better yourself thru education, taking care of yourself & having such a strong work ethic! That said, you gotta slow down befor you turn into a basket case. As others have said, these years when your kids are little goes by so fast. It will be great for your kids to see your work ethic & need to help earn money but right now, it doesn't matter to them, they just want you. You're now being given the wonderful opportunity to stay home w/them & watch them grow. Please take this chance! You have yourself an amazing guy & you are sooo....lucky! My husband can't wait for me to go back to work & bring in some moola but since I didn't finish college & haven't worked in almost 8 yrs, God only kows what kinda job I could get! For your own sanity as well as for your family's sake, please take this chance to slow down & enjoy your husband & girls!

M., in my opinion your are doing WAY TOO MUCH! And this is coming from a person who worked full time, went to school and had kids at the same time too. However, I decided to go to school part time and still have a life and spend time with my kids. It was a struggle, but I can't imagine taking on any more. And you really want to be there for your kids during these formative years - they go by so fast and they only happen once.

Good luck!

hi M.,

I have to agree with what some of the other women have said- if you have the opportunity to be a stay at home - take it! Also, I think it is great that you have the determination to go to school and work. It's a lot of work and great sacrifice. I am also a young mother of a 3 year old and my boyfriend (not my daughters father)has been very supportive. I worked part-time while working on my Masters since my daughter was a month old and I also grew up in an environment that valued independence to the point of not trusting others...

I know it's hard to let go of what you think you 'should' be doing. My advice would be to think about what *you* value- independently of what your family/others value. This way no matter what anyone says, you will be happy with your choice.

There is always the possibility people will not follow through but there's really no way to prepare for it because it will not only be a financial concern- it will be an emotional one too- why don't you try it out? If you can afford the opportunity to.

or have you considered finding a part-time job you might enjoy? working from home? going to school part-time?

Good Luck & best wishes,
A.

I think you have the answer in your heart - so try to follow your heart, not your fears!! It seems like maybe your husband is worth trusting - and if you stop working you will have more time for your relationship and you can be in closer communication with him. Good communication means that your relationship will be happier and healthier for both of you, which means you probably won't experience him unexpectedly leaving you helpless and clueless because you will be so clued in to each other! I think you should invest in your relationship with your kids, your husband, and yourself, especially if you guys can afford it. Maybe if nothing else, you could go to part time work. No one ever looks back on life and thinks, "I wish I had spent more time at work!"

Ob you dear, hard-working woman! You are super-woman, really! Now, think about this: you spoke about your two daughters almost as an aside. Rather than basing your decisions on fear of being left alone and having to take care of yourself, base them on respect and admiration for this wonderful man who wants to give you a chance to realize your dreams and on love for your children, who need you. You are so lucky to have someone who wants to take care of you -- and remember, it's only temporary. PLUS, your daughters need you. Do you think that maybe one day, you just might look back on this period of your life and regret not seeing your baby girl sit up for the first time, all because you can't accept help from a man who is dying to give it to you?!?!? Remember, once again, it's only temporary -- make a promise to yourself to pay him back (in some way or other) for his support and just let him help you! Good luck!
K. in EC

Hi M.,

I agree with everyone if you can quit your job and not be in financial trouble, go for it. Those years go by so quick. I was still working when my oldest daughter was little and I missed so much. When I was 5 months pregnant with my second daughter I got laid off of my job of 15 years! Part of me was frantic - at least we got a good severance check, but the other part of me enjoyed being home with my daughter. We decided to wait out my pregnancy and then get a new job after my second daughter was born. During that time I felt so dependent on my husband for everything, and I am like you very independent. I was fortunate enough to start working from home; my cousin introduced it to me. Now 6 years later I am still working from home, watching my girls grow up, but also earning enough money every month to feel like I am helping out the family and still being independent. The best part is I work it around my schedule. When we visited family in Southern CA for 4th of July, I just marked that time off on my calendar. When my kids have a play, open house, etc I schedule that time to be off for my family. Now my girls get upset sometimes that I am "working" but I remind them that I am still here for them and that they are fortunate enough to have a mommy that works from home. We have breakfast, lunch and dinner together and we play and work on homework together. I can do all of this because I am home with them and nothing is more priceless than that. We are always looking for people that are interested in working from home, so let me know if you think that may be something you would be interested in checking out. It truly has been the best decision for me and my family.

Good Luck to you!
M.

I am very much like you. I can't stand to be totally dependent on someone else. You didn't say how much longer you have in school. If it's a short time, you may decide to continue as you are doing. If it's a long time you will likely need to cut down on something. You can't keep this pace up for long, you and your family will suffer. When I went back to post -grad school. I have three kids, full time school and I dropped my work to four days a week. It was hell, but only for a year. Now I am in a much better place. You could try not woorking or working part time or going to school part time.

I am amazed at all the advice you have gotten to stay at home. Like you I am very weary of that option. I have worked with too many women who have ended up supporting their families. People make it sound like the only way a woman ends up supporting her family is if the man leaves. I have seen many women end up supporting their families because the father/husband has died - killed by a drunk driver, freak accident, illness, sudden heart attack, etc. In today's work force being out of work for even 5 years can severely hamper your opportunities at getting a job that will actually pay the bills. Good Luck! You are not alone.