Having One Child

Wow...a lot of reponses.
My husband and I have the same issue. I am happy with our situation of just having 1 child. I always thought that I would have more, but after a horrible pregnancy and a husband who just didn't understand, I don't want anymore. We have settled into a good routine and my husband is finally able to get things done he wanted to get do in life. We have been called selfish and egotistical, but my response is 1)it is our choice 2)nobody else has to go through the pregnancy but me 3)nobody else is going to pay the bills and 4) frankly it's really nobody else's business. Some people can't get pregnant again, can't afford adoption...who knows. I come from a big family-6 sisters and 1 brother. I love my family to death, but I am the only one who talks to everyone else. I have some siblings who haven't talked for 10-15 years. There is no guarantee that siblings will grow up to be close. My husband has a brother and they hardly speak, except for holidays and they are only a couple years apart. I talked to a friend of mine who was an only child and her parents died about 2 years apart when she was 24. That was always my fear about having a only child-leaving him alone in the world. But I have since understood that he is not alone. Sometimes some of the people closest to you are not family. It's been a difficult choice for us and has required a lot of thinking and talking, but we are now happy with our decision.
Good luck making yours.....

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Ugh. There is so much pressure out there and I felt it too. I had my first and last at 40 and was "lucky" enough to have miscarriages and fertility issues so I have the excuse that God must have only meant for me to have one or those others would have worked out before I got old!

Before we truly made the decision not to even chance another, I talked with grown only children. Consistently the girls said they wish they had a sib and the boys said it was great to be an only but none of them seemed worse for the wear. Now this was a limited "survey" of about 3 girls and 2 boys so take it for what it is worth.

Even so, we make sure our child has lots of time with other kids and his cousins. I don't think he is going to feel deprived. They all turn out even if we make mistakes if we have only the best intent for them - I truly believe that and you should make the decision.

It is really nice to have only one! J.

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I have an only, a precious gift from God, who is now 13 years old. We too were (and believe it or not, still are) asked constantly when we will have another or why we won't. The questions are intrusive and actually very painful for me because after many miscarriages, my daughter is the only baby I was able to carry to term. My body is unable to conceive anymore. I do not want to tell people all of this most of the time! I do not want to be told: "well, you can always adopt". Bottom line: my daughter is happy and well adjusted.

She is very mature for her age in many good ways but still a child in the important things because that is what we chose. She is an excellent student, she has many friends at school, church, the Dallas Children's Chorus and in our neighborhood. She is self-motivated, interested in science, loves to read and is very good at entertaining herself. We never deny her access to her friends and when she was young, I had to play with her more than if she had a sibling. One comment: I do not think home schooling is an answer for onlys - they need the interaction with others their own age. I did home school up to 2nd grade but she is much happier at school now. She was elected to and sits on the student council; she plays on the Lacrosse team; she advanced all the way to State in science; she is in the drama club, etc...

This is all in answer to the comments that only children are withdrawn, lonely, antisocial, unable to connect with their peers, bossy, not able to be team players, do not learn how to compete or negotiate. That is simply not true. They will be the person they were going to be whether you are blessed with one or many.

And even in these difficult teenage years, she is still the light of my life; we are extremely proud of her and know she will be a worthwhile member of society, even if she is an only child :)

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WOW, some really negative remarks about only children "lost souls" "self centered" GEES I suppose there are some only children that might be like that but it is wrong to make a general assumption that ALL only children are like that.

I get angered when I see responses which encourage more children so that the only child will not be taking care of parents when they get older. WHAT........... My daughter is NOT going to have a burden of caring for us. We have planned financially for ourselves and we certainly did NOT have a child only to ensure someone takes care of us. What a sick idea of why you would have children....

Some of these responses are genuine and some are downright mean and VERY judgemental.

I guess you can tell by my comment that I have an only child. She is 13 WELL ADJUSTED and LOVES life. She is NOT a "lost soul" or "self centered little B..ch"

Our family felt complete with one child. We have no regrets. Yes, she is living a very good life emotionally and financially. Her dad and I are very stable in our relationship (20 yrs this yr).

There are girls at my house ALL the time. They ask to come here. Some have divorced parents who could care less what they are doing, some have 2 parents working all the time, and some are from stable families as well. NONE are only children. I have been told by the girls "I love to have dinner at your house, you have real food and everyone is happy".

Our daughter has been very active socially from the beginning. She is strong willed, she will stand up for herself, she is a black belt in Tang So Doo, accomplished violinist, makes friends easily, maintains honors classes with all A's and B's, well travelled and enjoys a lot of "perks" such as modeling and extensive travel that a lot of kids with siblings miss out on.

As for me, I am 6 years older than my brother. We STILL do not get along. We are civil with each other. I live a plane ticket away from any family (on purpose).

Whatever you do, you need to do for YOU and your HUSBAND. This is YOUR famimly and you know what is right for you. Don't have another baby just because people persuade you. You would resent that baby in the long run. Have a baby because it is right for YOUR family.

I like the earlier quote from a bumper sticker..."If is it just a dog, then don't get one".

We also have 3 dogs which are a very important part of our family.

tf

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Hi R.--I have one sibling who's 7 years older than me. So it was like being an only child a lot of times because of the space between us. We never got along but we were very protective of each other. Now we are much closer than we were as kids. I think the main reason why I knew I wouldn't just have one child was the fact that my mother died when I was 16 and I can't imagine living life, even to this day, without someone to go through that experience with. My husband tried to tell me that our daughter wasn't an only child because of her half-brother. My response to him was that if something happened to me, her half-brother would still have a mom and would never understand what she was going through. I guess I want my children to be able to have someone who truly understands how they feel to go through the very hard times with them. Of course, it's your choice and not one to be made lightly. After my daughter, I wanted one more baby--AND I GOT TWO!! Good Luck!

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I have a beautiful 18 year old daughter. She's an only child and grew up to be a well rounded young lady. She had plenty of cousins and friends to play with. Our home stayed full with kids. My daughter stated several times while growing up that she was glad to be an only child, because when she was tired of playing or didn't want to be bothered everyone went home. Only when she was about 5 or 6 years old did she ever mention a sibling. I was so tired of people trying to convince me that having another baby was best for my child. My husband and I made a decision that was best for us and having one child was wonderful. Enjoy your daughter and she will be fine. Do what's best for you and your family.

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I have a friend in the same situation who recently polled her adult friends w/the same question. They all said they loved growing up as an "only" and there were all kinds of benefits - all the parents' attention, no sibling rivalry to deal with, etc. They never felt "lonely" or missed having a sibling. The one and only downside they ALL mentioned was parents putting a lot of pressure on them to excel/parents focusing on them and their accomplishments a little too much.

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Since you asked to have answers from people that were an only child or who have/had an only child, I qualify. My 16 year old daughter is an only child. When she was young and her friends mothers were having another child is the only time she asked when we were going to have a baby too. We had her late and with much difficulty so we really didn't think that at our age having another child was what we should do. She says that she is very happy being an only child. She is a wonderful, thoughtful person who does great in school and makes friends easily. People often say she doesn't act like an only child. I guess that because we have never let her think that she is the center of THE world (just OUR world, ha,ha)that she understood that she isn't entitled to be selfish. I have met plenty of children with siblings that are much more "spoiled brats" than the many only children that I know. It isn't about how many there are, it's about how they are raised! If you are pleased with being a small family then that is what is right for you. Please don't allow the judgement of narrow-minded, rude people to sway you into doing something this important. A child needs to be wanted and loved by it's parents for itself not what it can provide to them or a sibling.
I also want to add that my husband has sibs that he never sees and rarely talks to and they don't help at all with their elderly mother. Having sibs doesn't guarantee that you will get along or can depend on them to carry their share of any responsibility.
And to the responders who say that they want to have more children so one won't be alone taking care of them when they're old I agree with the person who said that was sick. If you had children so that someone will take care of you then you are the selfish one. How about buying long term care insurance for yourself? It cost a lot less per year than a child. No one has a right to be a financial burden on their child(ren).

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Hi R.,
I am an only child and I have done a fair amount of research on birth order, etc. (I have 2 kids myself - so HAVING a sibling for my kids was unique.)

One thing about onlies is that they tend to exhibit 'super' first-born charachteristics. As in, they are independent, self-starters, tend to relate very well with adults, outgoing, etc. but in an even more pronounced way than a first-born with younger siblings. I am all of those things and sometimes block out other people because I keep to myself. Yes, call it self-centered, but there was only 1 of me - and I got all of my parents' attention!

My husband is the first-born of 3 and his younger brother is 9 yrs younger, so he took care of him. He has the above tendencies too and we relate well together because both of us know that those traits that make us good at our work can alienate others too. On the other hand, my 1st husband was the youngest of 3 (and his older siblings were 7 and 9 yrs older - opposite end of the birth order...). He is terribly needy to his friends and family, has major difficulties holding a steady job, planning his finances, etc - all things that would have been taken care of for him because he was the "baby".

Having said this, I have 2 kids who are polar opposites of the traditional birth order traits. My oldest, a 5 yr old boy, exhibits less independence than his 2 yr old sister (who could make a criminal litigating attorney cry). The reason? Most likely, because I left their father (husband #1) while I was 3 months pregnant with her and she barely knows him, but knows #2 as her daddy. I think that ultimately, "nurture" wins out against "nature" on this one.

Your daughter will thrive on her own and find herself without ever having to compete for your attention with a sibling. Congratulations.

C.

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R.,
My husband and I have only 1 child that is 12 years old. He is a happy, well-adjusted preteen. It is my belief you don't need sibs to be happy. When he was younger, he wanted a baby brother (I can't have anymore) but as he got older, he saw that he has ALL of our attention and his friends like to come to our house where their other siblings aren't there. When he goes to his friends' houses, he has to be quiet because the baby's sleeping or he has to play with the younger brother/sister because they have no one to play with. Both my husband and I came from families with siblings. We wouldn't have it any other way.

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I raised an only child. She's now 26 years old and never has mentioned that she longed for a sibling. I think having an only child is less stressful, cheaper (i do not mean that in a mean way), and there's no sibling rivalry/seeking parental attention via bad behavior. My child is very well adjusted, knows how to share, and though she was never materially spoiled, is spoiled with love ie patience and understanding. Oh and there's the fact that an only child does not have to share a bathroom...as my child found out as she would spend the night at her friends who had siblings. hahaha!

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Hi R.,

I am one of 4 girls and can't imagine life w/out my siblings. I now have 3 kids and I LOVE seeing them bond and play together. You can't get a brother or sister bond with anyone else in this world. Your family will always be there for you unlike a friend.
Friends can come and go but your siblings will ALWAYS be there for you and that's so important in life.

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I am the oldest of 3 kids. I have a niece who is an only child. I have several cousins that are only children. I know many more people who are only children. They are all unspoiled, wonderful, well-adjusted teenagers and adults. There is nothing wrong with only having one child. I have two kids, but that is just how many I wanted. Each family dynamic is different. Unfortunately, social pressure is very intense to have more than one child in this country, which is unfortunate. Only you and your husband know the number of children that will make your life the best it can be. Don't let anyone else who can't mind their own business tell you what you should do. I know MANY of my friends who have 2-3 siblings and are not close to ANY of them. I also know many multiple-child families where only one child 'takes care' of their parents while the rest do nothing. Good luck.
-jm

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Hi R..

I'm an only child and never minded being an only child until my mom passed away when I was 19 and a freshman in college. Up until then, my life seemed great. I got everything I ever wanted and had great friends who were like family. Since then, it has been kind of sad not having a sibling to relate to or who has lived my similar experiences. My husband is the youngest of four and refused to let our first son be an only child. He has seen how "lonely" my life has been and didn't want that to happen to our son. That is why we choose to have another child. My boys, age 4 and 2 are the best of friends. Although it is a bit hectic for me sometimes (obviously I'm not used to the noise level two boys bring or sibling arguments, etc.), I wouldn't change a thing.

I will say, I'm a very well-adjusted person who doesn't have trouble making or maintaining friendships. Despite my mother's passing, I graduated college with honors and started a great career. I now stay home with my two boys and have a happy, normal life. I think as long as you raise your daughter with confidence and encourage her to be a good friend, she will be more than fine. The best things I think you get from being raised an only is independence and self-reliance. I'm very independent and never get bored! Plus, there are a lot more only children now than ever before. She won't feel that different!

M.

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I'm not an only, and I have more than one.

But my MIL is an only and it really defined her life. She talks about it often. When she was eight, her mom died and her dad never remarried. She said that she just felt alone her whole life. She adored her dad and he adored her, but she said that there was just this emptiness. She had no mom and no playmates at home, and it was hard for her. She had nine kids of her own, and she says that she wanted a lot because of that experience. And now that her dad is also dead, she said that she's truly alone in one part of her heart that no one but people who knew you when you were growing up can fill. She often mentions being an orphan and it's really hard for her still at certain times of the year.

Anyways, I just wanted to share that with you. She feels strongly about sibling connection, but I think it's because her mom passed away suddenly. That obviously doesnt happen to every only child.

I will also say that one of my SIL has only one child, on purpose! She also happens to be the oldest of the nine! So....=)

Also, my husband WISHES that he was an only child. He's almost 30 and still is annoyed by all of his siblings. If it wasnt for me keeping in touch with everyone, he wouldnt even talk to them. So having siblings doesnt mean that you're not alone.

Good luck with your decision.

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Just because you're an only doesn't mean you're alone in life!

YOU CAN'T HONESTLY MISS SOMETHING YOU NEVER REALLY HAD!!! I am an only child and recently had my 2nd (and likely last) daughter. Even with my babies, I don't miss not having a sibling. Being an only child made me the strong, successful and resourceful mother I am today. I had the hardest working parents I knew who fostered my relationships with my grandparents.

There are numerous reasons someone might end up an only child and it's no one's business! If you make the choice not to have more children-be proud and enjoy every moment of your child. There's no need to spoil your daughter with THINGS; as an only, the best thing to spoil her with is your TIME. Ensure she's close to your family. Though my aunts, uncles and cousins lived in the same town, it was our extended family who lived across the state I was and still am closer to. I live across the state from my parents now but I still talk to them several times a day :-)

There horrible misconception about being an only child (other than being spoiled!!) is that everyone should have more than one child and if you don't your child will miss out. I'm a little sad that neither of my girls will have the life long opportunity to be an only child!

To address the question everyone asks me: what will I do when my parents are gone? The same thing everyone else does! I have my wonderful husband, my daughters and my friends (many of whom happen to also be only children or raised as one). What people fail to realize is even in families with multiple children, someone ends up the last man standing.

Why do I have more than one? After spending 7 years convincing my husband that it was just fine to have only one, I decided I wanted another little one and not just for the sake of our older daughter. He agreed and we gave ourselves a very brief window-if I got pregnant, it was meant to be. If I didn't, an only it was...

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I have a 5yr old daughter too... she's turning 6 in August. My husband & I decided to have only one child a long time ago since we both grow-up in a big family. I have 4 other siblings & my husband has 3. We thought that having only 1 child we'll be able to give her all the things we never had when we were kids. We gave her all the love and things she needed & wanted. Have her joined sports like soccer, hockey, ice skating & ballet. We take her everywhere we go. Took her to California for modeling even. But then we realized that as much as we give her she still doesn't seem happy, like there's still something missing.

Our daughter is a very social person. She loves playing with cousins & other kids. We noticed that everytime we come home she becomes sad & saying things like she hopes she has a brother or sister to play with. She doesn't even play with her toys unless we have company come to our house that has kids to play with her. She's been asking for a brother or a sister since she's 3yrs old. I felt selfish for not having another 1. I know it was fun growing up with a lot of siblings. You juz don't run out of things to do... also help each other out with homeworks and stuff.

So, we finally decided to have another one. We had a boy June 12, 2008. You don't know how happy, excited and very proud our 5yr old daughter is. She even has a countdown while I was pregnant on when her baby brother's coming out. She helps in feeding and watching out when the baby cries. Now, she said she can't wait for him to grow bigger so they can play together and go to school. I think its the best decision we ever made. I would say that our home is now complete. :)

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Being an only child is nice at times when you are young and you don' have to compete for everything. But most of the time it is a lonely life. Cousins and friends can fill a part of the void. Yes, you do feel like something is missing sometimes it is the fighting or companionship of a sibiling. Many onlies can be self-centered (depending on how the parents treat them) others are outgoing and share. My story was one of being spoiled but when I lost my mom due to illness, I had no choice but to change as no one was going to give me what my parents had. There were rough times but I survived and have two happy loving children (one each) that sometimes don't see eye to eye but do communicate with each other. They can share memories of travel and living in different states and other countries. My husband has a brother who is 14 years younger and they have no real bond only that they have the same mom (different dads). So they act like onlies. My statemen of an only child is a lonely child has merit. But look down deep inside yourself and decide if it is right for your family and finances.

Wow what a respond. I can say this, YOU and your husband have to make the choice that is best for you. I have two syblings and none of us talk and don't have much of a relationship, I also have a dear friend who has raised an only daughter and she is the sweetest and dearest child I have ever known. I have three and they are at each others throat all the time, so there is really no right or wrong answer to your question. You love them and do the best you can for them . God Bless whatever your decision.

I have an older brother and younger sister, so I'm not an "only." But my best friend, who is 52 now, is. He laments the fact that he has no one to share his memories with. No one to validate what he remembers about growing up. As an only child, he has been solely responsible for caring for ageing parents and that has added difficulties at this time in his life. I also made two visits to China, where families are limited to one child by the government. I was asked by college students there how to discipline an only child. They said one of the drawbacks they had experienced was spoiled children, thinking everything revolved around them. And then, being the only one to bear the responsibilities of caring for parents in their older years. Just some thoughts.

About me, a 54 year old grandmother. Two beautiful daughters and three wonderful grandsons. Still married to the guy I graduated high school with, after 36 years this month!

Hi R.! I was an only and am now 37 with three kids;-) I really would have loved having a brother or sister to play with or pick on! I personally feel that having siblings develops so much more personality. They are having to learn to give and take, communicate and all sorts of other wonderful intrapersonal skills. It has been difficult for me to maintain CLOSE personal friendships because I really am not sure of boundaries- I never had to give and take with another person. I was lonely quite a lot as a child, felt like it was me against my parents, and they always "ganged" up on me. LOL. I was very spoiled and sheltered. Living with another human being (such as a spouse) was definitely hard, as everything had always gone my way before. And now that I am older, their old age is looming over my head. I am the only person in the world who will care for them, God forbid something happens to me.

I watch my children play and fight, but there is this bond that they will always have. There is another soul that can relate to the way they were raised and who shares all their lifelong stories. As an only child, I was adamant about not having an only. Hope this helped!

Being an only child has its good and its bad sides. You don't have to "fight" for attention from your parents, but you also don't have anyone to play with when they are doing adult things. I feel I missed out on the bonding and support system so many siblings have. Of course, I read a lot and did well in school. Plus, being an only child means the parents are worrying about keeping things fair when buying clothes, toys or whatever. Plus, you aren't worried about spending equal time with each child or planning activities for both age groups to enjoy. But be prepared to have pets and tea parties and dolls to entertain her too. It is a personal decision and you know what you have being from a family of more than one, but did you ever want to be an only child then?

Growing up was not a problem BUT the older I get the more I feel cheated.

Only YOU and your husband can make the right decision for your family. No doubt, only children can be as well-adjusted and as happy as children with siblings. Likewise, there can be bratty, spoiled kids who have siblings.

I felt compelled to write, though, from the perspective of my mom, who is an only child and has always been a bit sad about that. Fortunately she had 2 girl cousins (sisters) who lived right next to her, so she did have the experience of extended family while growing up, which helped. I definitely would encourage those family relationships for only children. To this day, my mom is very close to one of those cousins and they are almost like sisters.

The main thing that is hard for me to see now, is that as an only child, my mom has no one to share the physical care of her parents, not to mention the worries and stress that go along with that. It's just something else to think about. I think her childhood was fine, but now as an adult, she really misses having a sibling to share her adult experiences with. Again, siblings are no guarantee of a good relationship, but my mom would say she wishes she at least had the chance for that sibling relationship. It is definitely a void in her life and I have always been very aware of that. So, for what it's worth, it's important to look beyond the childhood experience and consider the lifespan effects of having siblings or not having siblings. Just something else to consider.

It is a very personal decision and you will make the right one. There is a lot to think about when having children! No matter what you decide, don't worry what other people think. Every couple has to decide what works for them. I wish you luck.

I am an only child of an only child. Being an only child is a different experience than having siblings, but I do not think it is inferior. I did not miss having siblings and I am an adjusted adult. If you need something to say to people when they harass you about your decision (which is none of their business by the way) you can use the excuse my mom did. She told people that I was a really good kid and she had a theory that if your first one was really good that the second would be strong-willed or a terror so she stopped with the one. I have other friends with only children and I think she tells them to mind their own business. Your child will not miss out on siblings. Not all people get along with their siblings anyway. As in all experiences, some people have great siblings and some don't. I doubt you will find many only children who think they missed out on some great opportunity by being a single.

I am a baby of five. But I grew up as if I were an only child you could say. I didnt see two of my brothers until I was 6 years old and only for three years. My oldest brother moved out when I was 6 years old. So I didnt really know them all that well. I grew up with a sister but she moved out when I was 12 years old. From that point on I was an only child. I loved being the only child!

I am sad to say my siblings are black sheep. I am the white sheep in the family...I did learn from their mistakes so it was good to have them for learning lifes experiences with out having to go through it myself. I dont talk to any of my brothers or sister any more.

We only have one child but I want her to have a sibling so she wont be lonely. Her cuz's live 2 hous away and we dont see the family all that much. I am worried that if we ever die that she will be left all alone and will have no one to greive with and share memories with.

So, we have decided to have one more child.

Hi R.,
I also have siblings growing up... and now just one child of my own. I think it's silly that people are pestering you about having more. Children are a big committment, and if you only want/need, one... then that is your decision. I know several people who are single children and could care less. Just be positive with her as she grows older and asks why you didn't have another baby (ex. - Mommy wanted to save all of her heart for you!).
Good luck and remember to not worry about it too much! :)

Don't have the "all baby stuff must go" sale yet! There is a little over five years between my son and daughter and they are the best of friends. I had resigned myself to an only child, gotten used to the "when are you having another" question, and then wham, guess what, you are pregnant Mrs. Kay! We were caught off guard, and totally surprised, but she is the light of all our lifes, and we would not have it any other way. So, do you really NOT want another, or are you just resigned to the fact it isn't going to happen? If you don't want one, say it out loud, and make the decision together and take the appropriate action to make sure it doesn't happen, but if you aren't sure, give it one more try, it may be the best thing you ever experience!

I was an only child for 7 years and for 7 years I BEGGED my mom and step-mom for a little brother or sister. Finally after enough pestering they both gave in... apparently at around the same time!!! I was blessed with 2 baby brothers, 6 weeks apart!!! 2 years later I was blessed with 2 more baby brothers AGAIN 6 WEEKS APART!!!! So to answer your question... After being an only child for 7 years and then having 4 brothers, which is better??? Having siblings hands down!!!! There is no greater gift in this world that you could give your daughter than a brother or sister!!!!

You've gotten a lot of great responses, and, as an only child it's been very interesting reading them all. Thanks for posing the question. And thank you for asking the opinions of us "only ones".

As my folks age, I do wish there was someone else out there who shares my history and my DNA. When Mom & Dad are gone, that's it. There's no one else who can corroborate my experiences, explain away some of my quirky behavior, or heaven forbid, give me a kidney. So, after 3 rounds of IVF to conceive my son at age 40, I was adamant about going through it all again so he'd have a sibling. I definitely didn't want him to feel the isolation that so many only children experience. So, we jumped through all the fertility hoops again (and again) and made ourselves another baby – a little girl this time. Now I’m learning lessons the hard way.

Mom-to-two is a lot different than mom-to-one. At least it has been for me. I'd gotten to the point where I felt like I was doing a pretty good job at being mommy. Then I had #2 and I've been overwhelmed ever since. That certainly doesn't mean that I regret my decision to have a 2nd child, it just means that I spend a good portion of every day well outside of my comfort zone. But your situation is different -- you'd have a larger age difference between your kiddos than I do, AND you have your own mom's example of how to mother multiple children simultaneously. Still, don’t forget to ask yourself if YOU'RE up to the task of parenting two. It can be pretty tough to be a good mom if you’re not at peace with your situation.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

D.

I have only one child - a darling daughter who's about to turn 4. I was pretty determined that she'd be an only (I have a younger brother, and let me tell you honestly - my mother favoured my brother over me throughout my entire childhood - therapy resolved our issues later in life). While my brother and I aren't exactly super close, we do watch out for each other.

Last year my husband surprised me with a statement that he'd like another child. I'd already had a breast reduction by then - basically for me the store is closed. I'm almost 40 and don't really have any major inkling to have another child. He has another daughter back home (she's 3 years older than ours) but the relationship there is difficult. Perhaps my dd will have a relationship with her step-sister when she's older, but for now they only see each other 2 or 3 times a year.

I truly enjoy my daughter now, but had a rough go of it when she was younger. I don't think I'd like to go through that again, and I'm terrified that if I did, she'd witness my stress and not like it. I guess I'm too protective of her now - why would I want to possibly subject her to any of the agony I felt as a child? Constantly being ignored or told to go away because the younger one needed attention? No thanks.

I get asked all the time if we're having another child, and it really annoys me. Like I'm doing my daughter a disservice by not giving her a sibling? Why do people think it's their place to tell you how to form your family? I consider myself very fortunate to have this beautiful child - why would I want to spoil her?

She's a perfectly well adjusted child - very capable of entertaining herself (and us!) at home, and very social when she's out with our many friends. I get to spend two more years at home with her before she goes to school, and we're really going to enjoy it! We're never not busy - what with playgroups, outings and activities we've got it going on.
I think she'll have a lovely life as an only - I can certainly afford to give her more this way. Not that I'm spoiling her, but with two kids I don't think we could afford dance classes, swim classes or major vacations as easily.

Sorry for the mindless ramble - Just make the decision that's best for you and your family. You'll know in your heart what's best for you.

I am the only child of my parents, and I was raised by my grandparents - who had finished their family a little more than 20 years before I arrived.

As such I consider myself an 'almost only' and I love it. Of course, sometimes I wanted siblings - but it wasn't a day in day out kind of want. I can promise you, my 11 year old daughter would happily sign up to get rid of her brothers most days of the week. My 5 year old, on the other hand, probably couldn't imagine life without family - but he is as close to his cousins as he is to his siblings.

As a former only who is the parent of many - I feel like my kids are missing out. They won't get to go on vacation every year, they are limited to one activity each year (dance, gymnastics, softball, baseball, football, soccer, karate), they won't get to do summer camp, they don't get their own room (except for the girl).

Only children are usually closer to their parents. I don't see how that's a bad thing.

S.

I have one sister but she was 7 years older than me so we were not close and I really wanted more silblings... my husband is an only child and wished he had more family and my BFF is an only child and is now the only care giver for her 2 elderly disabeled parents and really wishes she had siblings to help her out...

I chose to have 3 kids because to me its a big family and we love it.

A. J

I'm the youngest of six, and my husband is the oldest of two. We have only one child. I wanted another child for our son, probably for purely selfish reasons. I have so many good memories growing up with my siblings, and we're all four years apart - 16 yrs separates me and my oldest brother. I finally accepted that I would not have any more kids. Now we're getting a divorce and I do not plan to remarry. I asked my ob/gyn for a hysterectomy and he said no because neither one of us can predict what will happen in five years. Maybe I'll get another child, maybe I won't. I just hate knowing if something happens to me or his father, he will have to go through it all alone. All of his cousins are so much older than him, and many of his cousins are starting families of their own. Makes me very sad when I think about it. Just make the decision that is right for you and your family. I had no choice.

js

I am an only child. I always wanted a brother or sister. Now that I am 30, married and have 2 living children, it is even harder. My mom, who is only 57, has failing health. I am left to care for her alone. She lives with us and it has become a huge burden for me. Everyone is different and I see that some people enjoyed being an only child. I did not however. Personally, I would have loved to have a sibling or more that could be there to talk to, share this responsibility with, have family to get together with, all kinds of things. I am giving you my perspective, and really it is your decision. I don't really think that a bunch of us only's who lament our lonely childhood will really change your mind about having another if you really are truly happy having just one. But as an only child, when my mom dies, it's just me. I will be all alone. That is why I hade more then one child. I hate being an only child, but that's just me.

Growing up an only child has is pros and cons.
On the plus side: You have no siblings to rely on for playmates so you havet to 1)Develope a very active imagination or 2)become outgoing and develope friends. You learn to be idependent alot faster because you have no one else to help you out. As an only child you also learn to be more agressive and stronger emotionaly, because there is no one else looking out for you.

On the minus side: It can be lonely. Friends eventually have to go home and then you have quiet time alone with no on to play with. Parents of only children have to be careful NOT to become the "entertainers". These children need to learn to become selfreliant. Only children need interaction with other children so that they learn to get along with their peers. Too often an only child become socially interconnected with Adults because that is what they are around most of the time.

For the record, I grew up as an only child. 1)I am independent(sometimes to a fault). 2)Self confident. 2)Imaginative
However because of my experiences from being an only child, it has made me not very simpithetic to my two oldest children when they started saying: "I'm bored.", "there's no one to play with."

You have to do what works for you and something tells me that you are not 100% - For me- the only thing I wanted was 4 children - when we were working on #3 I found out that I had hep c and didnt want to take the chance of my newborn contracted it. I have the best of both worlds a boy now 17 and a girl 13. My son is the most amazing big brother I culd of asked for and there are times that I find myself saying- one day we wont be here- all you will have is each other so b good to each other .etc.
Personally, I just think that having a sibling is great- I only have 1 sister and just got connected with 2 half siblings and its great. If t's afforing- don;t even let that be a factor- you wind up affording.

My sister lives in Michigan and I dont get to see her and I only wish she was around. I have frineds- butthere is something about a sibling that just rings true.

My issue was- how can I love another baby as much as I loved my first- I actually worried about it- well guess what- you love them both and its just even better . THey have each other when things go wrong and when mom and dad arent the ones to go to- So.... if its possible to physically have another one- I would do it. Whats most importatn is what works for the two of you- but it sounds like you are not convinced that one is the perfect number- ha!
good luck!
D.
www.partyangelsus.com
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my husband is an only child and he HATED it. i have one sibling and truly can't imagine going through my childhood without someone else. i knew that we would have more than one, we are currently expecting our third. most people i know that are only children wish they had a sibling, one only child that i know doesn't feel that she missed out on anything. does your daughter have cousins or any family members that are similar in age? there's nothing "wrong" with not having more than one, and people that ask that question are really treading in NOTB(none of their business) territory.

Well, a lot of responses here! All any of us can do is relay our own experiences. I'm 52 and an only child. I can't say I ever missed something I did not have. Your experience, is your experience. It is like asking the child of a celebrity if it was weird growing up with people like Frank Sinatra in the house. No, because it was "normal" for them. Children with siblings, "miss out" on being only children just the same as only children "miss out" by not having siblings. Who is to say one experience is better than the other? There are wonderful things about each experience.

My parents had me late in life and cherished me. I had a terrific childhood and was extremely close to both of my parents. We were a team. I was always listened to and my opinions were always important. I think the only rough times for any child, only or with siblings, are the teen years and they just tend to be rocky for most of us. Still, my parents were an integral part of my life until they died. The hardest part of being an only child is that when your parents do get ill and die, you are the sole caretaker and that is a challenge.
Most "onlies" are raised to be very strong and independent so it is something we can handle but it is a challenge for anyone really, when a parent grows ill and dies.

When I finally had a child, it was late in my life as well and I opted to have only one for many many reasons. He is happy, very close to me and a delight. He has plenty of friends with siblings and is quite happy not to have any when he sees how most of them treat each other! There is no guarantee that "giving" your child a sibling will ensure they are best pals. I'm sure you know many cases of siblings who are terribly close and those who don't speak to one another.

Children should be brought into the world because you cannot imagine life without them. Numbers don't matters. Look at families who have six or seven kids. People judge them for having too many! Just enjoy your kiddo and change the subject when other are rude enough to ask about personal family decisions!

Hi, R., I just had to respond to this. I was like an only child... my siblings are 20 years older than I am and were out of the house by the time I came along. It was awful growing up-- I always felt so alone. I wanted nothing more than to have a sibling that I could relate to. I would have given anything to have that connection in this world, and I am so jealous of everyone who does (which is most people). Also, when I was in highschool, I dated a guy who was an only child. He was spoiled rotten and the light of his parents' lives. Tragically, he died in a car accident when he was barely 20 years old. This devestated his parents. They tried everything to have another child, through adoption, etc... Now, this is indeed a tragic situation that will not likely ever occur, and I still feel the pain of that day and would never wish anyone to go through it, even a mortal enemy (if I had one) :). But, the point is that they regretted not having more children.
But based on my situation, I can honestly say, please think very carefully about this. A child wouldn't only be a gift to you, but to your other child.
Good luck.

My father is an only child and I have a friend that is one and also have another friend that only had one child. With my father and my friends child, I can tell you that they usually end up being very self centered individuals because they have been the center of attention all their lives. They usually don't understand what sharing is because they really didn't have to. My father only thinks of himself and my friends daughter is the same way. Both have caused much pain in our lives due to selfishness. Both were raised in very loving "normal" homes with fantastic parents. My friend that was raised as an only child is a wonderful, giving person but also a little on the self centered side as well but not quite as bad. But when she lost both parents, and the one was ill for an extended amount of time, she told me many times that she wished that she had a sibling so it wouldn't be completely on her shoulders. My husband wanted only one child but I refused because of my experiances plus, I didn't want to place all my eggs in one basket. If God forbid, something happened to my only baby, I would be devestated. I had my second baby and boy howdy, what a true blessing she was. Hope this helps!

There are a lot of misconceptions around onlies. Recent research has shown that onlies tend to be well adjusted and not brats. I think the biggest struggle for a parent of an only is being aware of and addressing these misconceptions. My husband has 2 siblings and none of them get along. His parents are the same way with their (numerous) siblings. So having a big family doesn't necessarily mean you'll be the Waltons. His youngest sibling -- who is a BRAT -- is spoiled to the hilt and wishes she was an only. I think in life, people generally wish for what they don't or can't have.

Whatever you decide, do it because it's right for your family and not because of what other people think or have experienced. Good luck!!

http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/9808/07/only.child/
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Story?id=3488411&page=1

I was an only child, and yes, sometimes I was lonely and wished for a sibling. It helped a lot when I was 7 and my parents got me the dog I had been begging for. There have been many studies showing that children who have a dog (or cat, possibly--not sure about that) are less likely to get depressed and happier overall. They also do better in school and have better coping skills. Now that we have our own child, we decided that giving our son a sibling was not a good enough reason to bring another life into the world. We already had two Italian Greyhounds, but they are not good children's dogs. They are very small and fragile and do not thrive on the attention of a toddler. They are members of our family, however, so we just do our best to keep them protected and separate them from our son if they get agitated or we can not supervise. We did recently adopt a dog from the Humane Society, a Australian-German Shepherd mix puppy, who is beautiful, loves our son, and plays very well with him. Since then our 3 year old son talks a lot about how much he loves dogs, and that Sonali (the shepherd mix) is HIS dog. It makes me happy to see him learning to love and respect animals, and in some ways they serve as siblings. Sometimes he has to wait for what he wants if I am taking care of the dogs, he has to learn to play with them NICELY, he has to apologize if he does something unkind to one of them, and I try to allow him to participate in their care when possible. I am not advocating getting a dog if you do not LOVE them and wouldn't consider them a family member. There are other ways, I'm sure, to give a child a sense that they have to share your attentions and care for others besides themselves. This is just one option to consider. To quote a bumper sticker I saw "If it's just a dog, then don't get one."

Some of the answers you have recieved are quite generic. No one likes to tell someone what to do, but you asked the question so here it goes:
I was an only child. Growing up I didn't know anything different but as an adult I feel cheated. I watch my two sons who have a bond that cannot be broken. I will never have that. Before my father died, I was the only one responsible for both of my parents, they are divorced so I had 4 parents to take care of if needed. I could not afford that alone and that is a lot to ask of a child. Even if you don't ask, the child will feel obligated. Since my father has passed, it is only my immediate family (husband & sons), my mother and her husband. That makes for lonely, quiet holidays. So many of my friends have siblings and they speak of stories of holidays and memories. That is something I feel excluded from. My parents had me when they were young so my cousins came along after I was a teenager - there were no kids around. There are also social graces that I didn't learn until I was an adult, something that comes natural to those with siblings. I was not spoiled or a brat, I kept to myself most of the time which again added to the lack of social graces. Like I mentioned, as an adult I notice what I have missed and I made sure I had 2 children so they don't feel isolated or lonely like I do now. Of course, in the end, you do what you are most comfortable with. I wanted to give you an honest answer from someone who is living as an only child.

My husband and I knew if we ever had children it would only be one. Although almost everyone told us we'd want more after having one, there was no swaying us - we stuck to our decision and knew it was the right one. We were blessed with a healthy, active baby boy who is now 8 and is still quite the handful - and a constant reminder that we made the right decision. (As older parents (we started late), our energy level is not what it used to be.) Our son is popular in school, smart, well-adjusted and gets to experience things we may not otherwise be able to do if we had more children. He gets our full attention along with discipline (we had no shortage of warnings to not spoil an only). We see no negatives to being a happy family of three. Having a child is your decision which, I feel, should be based on your feelings, needs and abilities. Be honest with yourselves and do what you feel is right without being swayed by guilt or pressure. If you are happy with one child, enjoy that and live your life!

First, I don't want anything I say to "guilt" you into having another child. There are so many more factors than just what I will mention.

That having been said, I am an only child, and here are my observations:

1. As a child, other relationships can make all the difference. When there were kids my age in the neighborhood, and I had other kids to play with a lot, it wasn't bad. When there weren't, it could be quite lonely. Also, if my cousins had been nearby it would have really helped, but they were 1500 miles away.

2. As an adult, having the sole responsibility for my aging parents is a big deal. I married late, and before I found my husband I was really scared of having to deal with all of these issues completely alone. Now, at least I have my husband to help, but it can still be a lot at times - and it's a lot on him too. I know that having siblings doesn't always help with this - sometimes siblings fight over parents' care and actually make things harder, while some siblings simply don't do anything, leaving everything to the others. But at least with siblings there is a chance of them sharing the load.

Again, these are only two factors among many to consider. But they are two of the reasons that I decided not to have only one child if I had the choice.

B.

Hi R.,
I am the only child and currently have an only child, whose father is also the only child. I have to admit, as a child I use to always beg my mom to give me a little brother or sister. But as I got older, I came to appreciate being an only child because I would not have had the same opportunities if my mom had to raise other children. As an only child, my mom made sure to keep me engaged in extracurricular activities so I wouldn't be lonely. Only children are often perceived as "spoiled" so I would imagine that might be a concern as well. I was certainly well loved by my single mom, grandparents and other family members and they did try to give me the world BUT they taught me that I had to work for it. I was never "spoiled rotten" and was constantly reminded that if I did what was asked of me (i.e. good grades, be respectful, stay out of trouble, tell the truth, etc.) they would work hard to afford me of opportunities (which didn't always equate to things). I completely DISAGREE that your only child will be "missing out" by not growing up with siblings. Yes, your daughter will have a different experience than if she had siblings but that doesn't equate to "missing out". If you and your husband are happy with having an only child, please please don't let others make you feel bad or guilty for your decision. Despite what people think, it is possible to raise a well-adjusted, sharing, compassionate and giving only child as evident by me.

Well, I just wanted to let you know that we are in the same boat. We got married later in life and just figured that we had enough energy for one. Alissa (our very active 6 year old) constantly asks why she can't have a brother or sister. I feel bad, but she has sooooo much energy, that I feel that is all I can handle. I try to do playdates and keep her busy with arts and crafts. Sometimes I feel because she has to entertain herself, she uses her imagination more, which makes for a more colorful kid...and she is. Another things that I am aware of tho...is that only children usually get spoiled, we are very careful about this.

Now if win the lottery or something like that...I might consider adopting an older child. Never say never!!! Hope this helped and good luck, Kat

I am an only child and many of the things said here resonate with me. I enjoyed having my parents' attention and not having to deal with hand-me-downs, etc (we didn't have a much money growing up). On the other hand, I was often lonely and missed out on some of those social skills you get from having to share with siblings.

I now have two children and am fascinated by watching their sibling behavior. It's really quite a different phenomenon.

Okay, that being said, here's the real reason I wish I had siblings -- I wish my kids had cousins. I loved my cousins -- one side of the family we saw once a month, one side on holidays. Even now, I love getting together with them and sharing stories of our families and just being together. I don't have any siblings and my husband has one sister who has no children, so my kids have no cousins -- we rely on playing with my cousins' kids, etc.

Then again, as I type this I realize that maybe my cousins took the place of siblings for me in many ways. We loved each other and fought with each other and still get together to do the same. If you are to have an only child, I think you should cultivate a strong extended family network -- there's nothing like years of shared experiences and shared family ties.

I did suffer some from having my parents treat me as a bit too adult and as an equal part of the family. When they decided to do something alone, like an anniversary dinner, I was very, very angry. Only children are still children; it's not three adults living in the same house; make sure to keep separate time and space for you and your husband.

Best wishes in your decision. Your daughter can be a wonderful person and have a wonderful life no matter what you choose. It's up to you to decide how to raise her -- with or without siblings.

I'm not sure if you want to hear from someone with multiple children, but allow me to give my perspective.

I am the 4th of 5 children. I absolutely loved having siblings and playmates all the time. We were close in age with only 7 years between the oldest and youngest. We were a military family and didn't have a huge income. However, we rode bikes together, walked to school together, played board games in the evenings, shared bedrooms and bathrooms and meals together, etc. My father passed away when I was only 9 years old but I never felt lonely. Today, as an adult, I have 4 other people who share my childhood....the good, the bad and the ugly. We love talking about old times and laughing about little things or incidents that we remember about one another. My best friend is my sister. She lives in Maryland now but we talk nearly everyday. My 3 older brothers live in the area and we all get along fairly well with one another.

With that said, I knew that I wanted a large family. I have 4 children who share everything with one another. They adore each other and I find them doing the same things I did with my siblings......especially the board games. I am so happy that I have a large family and provided them with life-long companions.

My children have a few friends that are only children and my heart breaks for them in so many ways. Where my kids always have playmates and built in company, these children do not and are always calling or coming over to play. When it's time for them to go home or if we are having "family time" or dinner, they are always very sad that they can't join us or stay longer. They seem to be very needy. I don't see them as self-centered but as lost souls.

If I were only able to birth one child, I would adopt a sibling or two for my child's sake. JMO

I grew up with 3 other sisters. We fought with each other, but we were also each others friend. If we were bored, we had someone to play with. We had shoulders to cry on when things did not go our way.

I started out of course with just one, and he was not bored or anything, but I saw how he was with the other children that I watched. He is such a caring boy. So then we got pregnant with #2 and told him he would be a big brother, he was thrilled. We were at first concerned that he would not like his sibling but when we had her, we knew without a doubt that he would be a wonderful big brother. Now, she is almost 4 and he is 7 and they play with each other all the time. He is a loving caring big brother. I would not want to change a thing!

I am not saying that having a sibling is for everyone, my oldest neice for one should never had any siblings and she has 4 brothers and sisters. My nephew who is the same age as my son, I think could have benefited from having a sibling.

Parents who choose to only have one child, thats fine in my book. Just remember one thing, as independent as they become, do not treat them like an adult. Don't think that just because they act more mature does not mean that they should be watching the same movies or even playing the same games as you. They are still children.

I have an only child. She is 13 years old. We are blessed. She is a wonderful, intelligent child. Very caring. People use to ask the same question. Just recently someone told me in front of my daughter, "How sad! to have an only child and then went on to ask her if she was lonely." How rude. I assume they don't hear how they sound or understand what they are saying. My husband and I have been married 18 years and are very happy with our only. Whatever you do, it must be for you. Ask God to reveal what his will is. It will always be for your good. Also remember Your daughter will have her own life experiences one day and she too will need to do what satisfies her.

I have 4 children - 10, 4, 3 and 2 years old. Our 10-year-old wishes sometimes that he was an only child because he lives in pre-school land!! Ha ha!

J.
www.ToxinFreeHome.biz

I have an only child, not by choice, but because I lost her little twin brother and sister at 20 weeks' gestation two years ago. Barring a miracle, there will be no more children in our family. My three-year-old daughter is well-adjusted, shares her toys nicely with other children, plays well at preschool, and has more playdates and activities than I ever got to have as one of 5 children. She's already been to Europe and Jamaica and different places on the East Coast with her father and me. I'm looking forward to a big Disney trip in a year or two. It may sound like she is spoiled, but her father and I do not like brats and we do not let her behave like one. Everywhere we go, strangers come up to us and tell us how well-behaved our daughter is. (People in London were particularly impressed with her--maybe English children aren't all that mannerly? ;) )

I am very close to my sisters, and I am reasonably fond of my brothers, but I can also remember lots of times growing up when I wished I had been an only child! My parents are quite old and frail now (over 90), but so far there has been nothing wrong with them that I couldn't have handled by myself. Some of the classiest people I know (my college roommate, and another dear friend) were only children, and there was absolutely no sense of entitlement about them.

Anyway, I agree with the folks who say that you don't miss what you never had, and if you act as if your daughter is missing out by being an only child, she may come to agree with you. If you act instead as if she is a joy and a blessing to you, she will feel loved and secure no matter what. About the only thing I can think of that she will miss out on is having someone to reminisce with later on in life, but if you are good about writing things down in her baby book and making scrapbooks and telling her stories about what she was like as a baby and little girl, she will have those memories in her own head and not need a sibling to remind her of those things.

wanted to add: My daughter's best friend is a lovely, sweet, affectionate child, but she is hyper-competitive. Anything my daughter can do that she can't do drives her nuts, and if there is something she is better at (to be fair, the other girl is better at quite a few things), she taunts my daughter and brags about it. My daughter doesn't care, probably because she doesn't have to compete with anyone at home. It's pretty funny, really, as the other child says, "I can do it and you can't," and my child tells me proudly, "Mommy, she can do it!" and beams at both of us. I think siblings, especially older siblings, can make kids really anxious to prove themselves, whereas my child is perfectly happy with herself as she is.

I also have a five year old daughter as well as an eight month old and I am amazed at the positive changes in my daughter since my son was born. She has become more generous and thoughtful of those around her, not just our family, since it is not just her anymore. I have to say the age gap has been wonderful. She is old enough to be a huge help and also old enough to do so much for herself that is has been easier having a second than it was having her. My son has constant entertainment in watching her and she loves to be with him. With that said, I grew up in a large family and I would not trade it for anything. I am the oldest of six and while it was a lot of work I have five of the best friends I could ever imagine. It is amazing to have so many people right there to share in the joys of my life and to support me when things are hard. Also, I know when my parents are at the age of needing help we will all share the responsibility. My dad grew up an only child and hated it. When his parents become ill and eventually died he didn't have any siblings to lean on or give help. I watched this be a very hard things for him as well as him always trying to be "more" for his parents since there was just him. My husband and I have definitely talked about the joys multiple kids will bring us as we continue through different stages of life. This is such a personal decision and can be a hard one, but you are bringing another wonderful person into this world. All you can really do is pray about it. :) You are in my prayers!

Hello there R.,
I was reading your question. I am an only child from my mom and dad. I do have step sisters and brothers that I am not real close too.
But we have a 13 year old that I think would like to have a brother or sister. He is just now asking. We have lots of babys at our church and he just loves them. He seems to do great by himself but sometimes I think He wishes he had a brother or sister. my husband and I are in the process of trying to have another baby now. We haven't told our son. It has been almost 6 months now and still no sucess. But I know it is all in the Lords timing. I really want him to have a sibling. My husband and I have talked about it cause when we are gone we don't want him to be lonely. I know friends that are only child and they said it was lonely growing up.
We are trying to help that with him right now. But in the meantime we have a puppy for him to help keep him company. He loves the puppy and gives him something to give some of his attention to.
I would pray about it and ask God for advice. He is the only true answer. I definitely want our son to have a sibling so Lord willing that will happen and we will find out one day soon that we are having another. So I ask you to keep that in your prayers.

Hey R. - Your story could be mine, with the difference that mine is a son not a daughter. He was 5 on Jan 31, and I miscarried on Feb 2. He was aware of it, and still struggles. He was very excited about being a big brother, & it only get worse once we took him out of day care.
But now since he is back in camp around other kids, he does not seem to ask about a sibling as much. He has always be anomoured with babies, so I think a little would be great for him, do we think it will have a negative impact on him if he does not have one, No we dont. Your daughter is going to be starting school, and starting to develop more into her own little person than ever before. If your family is complete with just one the leave it like that. With the age difference you may do more harm than good having one with your daughter being so old. Keep in mind us girls are wired different and if she is use to being the princess of the house, I am NOT saiyng your daughter is spoiled, but it may be hard for her to share that limelight. As long as you know you are doing the best by her and she is growning up to be healthly - physically, mentally, and emotionally, then you have done the right thing. Siblings dont make you who you are the experience you have in life do.
I am 4 of 4 (2 sister & a brother right above me) & my hubby is 2 of 4 (siser above & below, brother 6 yrs younger) we wanted a large fam, but with my health issues we knew it would work. One nephew is an only - parents divorced too- he is 16, and a pretty good kid. With the only 'Kid Interaction' being at school. Another is an only, with stay at home parent...you can see the difference. Think about it this way. For 5 yrs you kiddo has been able to come home and 'defuse' (we all need that after a day at work/daycare) this has always been a big part of our routine. Once we get home he has his time,I have mine....Throw something else in to the mix....and he is out of sorts. I dont see a sadness in my son when he is alone. He misses his James (cousin) when he leaves, but he still plays with his toys, and knows he will come again.
I know you wanted to hear from moms that were onlies, but i guess by responding I have listened to more of my own advice.

HI, I am not an only child, but my son is. Kids who are an only child can tend to become depressed from not having another sibling. I have 5 nephews and one niece (ages 2-6). I kept my son in close contact with them at all times so he would either feel needed or had someone to play with. I even participated in a lot of activities for him with school children is own age. I am not able to have anymore children so I am very grateful for my son (who is 12 yrs). my suggestion is to always keep your daughter involved in activities and with other children so she will not have time to feel lonely.

Good Luck,
B. H

Hello R.! I don't usually have time to respond, but this is a matter close to my heart. I was/am an only child. Growing up for me, was very sad. It was just me & my mom(single mom), & we were very poor. When I was little & all the neighborhood kids & I would be outside playing & it was time to go inside, I always went inside alone. I was always sad that I knew the kids w/siblings, could continue to play, but I was always alone. On the other hand, the girlfriend relationships I had/have were more special. 2 of my best friends as kids are like sisters now. I don't think that would have happened otherwise. My mom was a terrible mom, & I often wonder if a sibling would've survived (intact) the way I did. I knew even as a child, that I would never have only one child and THANK GOD that my husband & I had/have 3 children. I'm sure ya'll are good parents & GOD can help you make the right decision.

Have another! I'm an only child. Well, actually I had a half-sister, but she was 12 years older than me, and was out on her own by the time I would have been able to benefit from having a sibling. I had not been around her while growing up. I lived in Oregon, she lived in Texas. Visits were rare and brief, and I didn't really know her. My parents divorced when I was 14, mom died when I was 15, & after that my dad & I became estranged (but that's another story), and I saw him only a few times until he died a few years after I moved to Texas. He never saw his grandkids. My grandparents lived in Oregon, and lack of riches prevented visits and lengthy phone conversations. This was way before computers!

So I had no one to ask about my childhood. I always laughingly tell people I raised myself, so I can't blame anyone else for who I became!

Many years later, when I was in my 40's, my sister's husband's job brought them to Rendon! I had been living here, in Mansfield, since I was 24. (She lived in Nacogdoches, so still, visits were rare.)
I was elated! At last I was going to be able to get to know my sister! (I didn't bother with calling her my half-sister. I think I wanted to have a sister, & it didn't matter to me that we had different Dads. My dad raised her from toddlerhood.)
Sadly, my brother-in-law's job transferred him to Salado after less than a year. In that all-too-short time, we visited at least once a week. I drank in every detail, every sight and sound of her, plied her with endless questions about my past - what was I like as a little kid (bratty), was I cute (she admitted yes), what did I like to do (bug her to death!)....I was so hungry for tales of the memories I didn't have. I had a sister, but I was too young to remember. I did have vague snapshots of memories, and I had to ask her as I thought of them if this or that really happened. She wasn't around much, being 12 years older than me meant that she was a teenager when I was a toddler. She got saddled with me often, and she said she was so mad about that, I badly cramped her style! We had some good laughs over that! And we discovered how much alike we were. We had the same tastes in almost everything, from the way we decorated our houses to the books we like to read. It was astonishing! I could have had not only a sister but a friend as well.

I feel I missed so much. I had my own three children 2 years apart. I didn't know how to raise more than one - I had never been a part of a "real" family. My parents worked long hours - my dad was endlessly going to school to become a psychologist and my mom worked to put him through school. So as I grew up I was carted to my Grandparent's all the time or babysat by a college student. Had I had siblings, perhaps they could have stayed with me.

I did not experience the dynamics of being a part of a family. I suppose that contributed to my extra dose of creativity, because I learned how to entertain myself. Not knowing any other life, I was okay with that.
But - and here's the lesson - I had nothing to compare child-raising techniques with. I didn't know how siblings were supposed to act with each other. And as I grew into adulthood, I began to realize I was lacking a giant chunk of life experience. I met people who had brothers and sisters. It fascinated me to watch their interactions, and listen to them say "My brother said he saw that movie...", or "I gotta call my sister and ask her what to get Mom for Mother's Day...". Simply put, I wished my parents had had at least one more child. I didn't know I was lonely until I saw people who were not the only kid - then I ached for the experience. All the lonliness caught up with me.

Yeah, siblings fight. My kids did. Other moms told me it was normal, so I didn't worry much, but still it was a facet of life I knew nothing about. Now two of them are in their thirties, one is 29. I have two grandchildren. They still have their feuds, arguments, and misunderstandings, but they are friends too. They know they are never alone. They have each made good lives for themselves. Two are married, one is engaged, and their mates get along with each other too. I am blessed in that way.

Sorry to be so long-winded, but I felt I had to qualify my advice. Your decision will be the right one, whatever it is. My kids were of the opinion that they might not want children, and that was all right. It's better to be honest with yourself and have a happy life than to follow the socially preferred patterns and have regrets. As it turned out, My oldest daughter has a daughter, my youngest daughter has a son, and my middle child, my son, has been married a year a half and plans to have kids after they buy a house. (I'm betting it'll be sooner!) They all want more than one. I tried not to pressure them one way or the other, but I did tell them my own feelings about being an only child. The simple fact is, I wish I had brothers and sisters.
Thanks for reading this long letter! May the God of Decisions help you with your question.
C. D.

R., I was an only child growing up and I never really thought anything of it. I had a really good friend since the age of 5 that I am still friends with. I got some slack as I got older about being spoiled but I think as long as you raise your daughter with good values she will be a great adult. She will make lots of friends in kindergarten! Be confident and comfortable with only having 1 wonderful little girl!
S.

Hi R.,

I have one child too. She will be turning 4 in November. She is an amazingly, talented child. I believe she loves school so much because not only is she learning and having fun, but she is also interacting/playing with other kids.

I would love to have another child, preferably a son. Eventually we will, we just need to get a few things in order first. Although I am not an only child I have a number of relatives,friends and students that are. Most of them, if not all, have what is called "the only child syndrome", meaning everything is about them, the world has to revolve around them, they do not adjust to changes very well, and they have the tendency to always want to be in the spot light and needing the others approval. I don't want my daughter to grow up that way. Besides, if something happens to us (my husband ,and I), I don't want her to be alone.

Everyone that I've spoken to that has one child, wished they had more. Personally, I don't think it's healthy to have one child, for the child sake.

Although my daughter is talented, loving, intelligent and have a wonderful sense of humor, sometimes she tends to cling to me more than needed. She is also spoiled rotten and she sometimes has a fit when her dad or myself tells her no or when she can't have her way. She also tends to mock alot of things that her classmates does. I had to have a long talk with her about the difference in being a follower vs. a leader.

All of the aforementioned is based upon my experience from other only children. Because my daughter is only three, I haven't seen very much; but it would be scarey to see these types of behaviors later on; so I rather not.

Good Luck!!

Okay I know you have gotten a lot of response on this but I have the same feelings you do. I grew up in a family of 10 kids and my husband grew up in a family of 5. We were both very poor as kids and we always had hand me downs and not much of anything. We decided together that when our son was born that he was it. We wanted to be make sure that he didn't have to go through what we went through. Our son is 6 years old and yes he asks for a little brother and sister a lot but I think that is only because all my brother and sisters have multiple kids. I have noticed though with him that when he has his cousins over and they argue and fight and what not that after they leave he always tells me mom I am glad it is just you and me. He is the light of our lives and barring a miracle I seriously don't for see us having more children.

I wasn't an only child but I was a very late child. Both my brothers were much older, 18 and 20 years older, so I was basically raised alone. I always wished that I had siblings to play with but I was lucky enough to have two other friends in my neighborhood who also had older siblings and thus, no one else around to play with. I always said growing up that I would have a large family so my kids would never feel like they had no one to really talk to and trust in, the way I did. My mom was the oldest of 7 so I always had a bunch of cousins and remember wishing they were my sisters :)
I am 34 now and have 4 children and I think I now have the perfect family. I have no idea what I would do with only one child. I know a couple of people with only one child and they dote on that child so much that I don't think it's healthy. One friend has a five year old daughter and I swear to you everything that comes out of her mouth has to do with that child to the point of irritation. Ugh! Please don;t do that to your child or your friends :) I was spoiled rotten as the only child (the only girl) and it made it harder growing up. I expected everything to be given to me with a little persuation and even with four kids, am just learning how to share! If you decided to only have the one, make sure that you don't center your life around hers. Having a house full of children is whats best for us but you have to decide what is the right decision for you. Good luck and God bless.

I have lots of friends who are only children and NONE of them have ANY complaints about their childhood. One particular friend is an only and her mom is an only and she has just decided not to have any more children either. Her mom doesn't have any complaints and neither does she.

There are pros and cons about only having one, but one of the biggest pros is all the extra stuff that only children get to do. I have a friend who has 1 child and that child has more frequent flier miles than most adults. Her mom is a teacher, so these trips wouldn't be possible with more than 1 kid, but since it's just her and her mom, they get to go a lot more cool places than would be possible with more than 1 kid.

I having a younger brother, but we've never been close, even growing up. That sibling connection is not an automatic thing. Don't have another kid just for the sibling connection because then you're not doing it for the right reasons and it may backfire on you.

As long as you surround your child with lots of new and cool experiences and they aren't just sitting at home bored, there's no reason for your child to grow up feeling like she's missing out on something.

R.,

I grew up 2 of 4. I have one older sister and two younger brothers. None of us are close. I am the mother to an only child. She is 6.

She has asked about siblings. I just tell her we only wanted her. She is very active. We have tried lots of things. I do that so she can determine what it is that she likes the best.

I think the only reason she asks about siblings is beccause her best friend is a brother. She has adopted his family as her 2nd family. It doesn't bother me. They are a wonderful christian family and I know they love her just like their own. It helps me to know that she has someone that she can count on besides myself since her father and I are separated and he is so far away right now.

She is very caring, loving and she can be a handful at times but can't all children. Is she spoiled? Yes I will admit to that but she is not a brat. She would do anything to help anyone in need.

I know there are times that are tough for her when she wants a playmate there all the time. Probably hard for me too because she has no one to bug but me if I am busy that's when I think she needs a sibling.

If God intended for me to have another child, it would have happened. I didn't have my her until I was 43. Almost missed out on a very special part of being a woman.

She is the love of my life. Sometimes she can be selfish but I find that again with all kids even ones with siblings. I think that is just a kid thing.

Making a life changing decision about having another child needs to be you and your families decision and not based on other individual's perceptions, beliefs or ideas of what YOUR family should look like. Pray to God and he will let you know what your family looks like.

Good luck and take care,

J.

I'm not an only or the parent of an only but I was in a similar situation 20 years ago and thought I'd give you my opinion. My 1st pregnancy and delivery was great. My oldesst child was easy, fun and delightful; we were proud to say we could take her anywhere and did. I too, felt the urge to have another child to prevent our daughter from being "alone"
From the time our 2nd was conceived it was difficult. Very tough pregnancy; scary delivery for her and I but she was healthy and beautiful. That's where the similarities stopped. She was unhappy, clingy, whiny, stubborn, willful, difficult and made it difficult for us to go anywhere! I love her deeply but she has been an extreme challenge and caused so much tension and discord in our home; it was very bad when she was a willful child and we argued constantly - her older sister did not enjoy her much growing up either. So, the idea of giving a sibling to our oldest child didn't work out so well. Their teenage years were a total nightmare; the girls are as different as night and day - still are. Although I know they love one another very much, they have little in common and spend very little time together. They have different beliefs, ideals, goals and desires. I believe it might stay that way forever, but who knows.....they're in their 20's now

Dear R., Kids are definetly a gift from God
I had four and I come from a large family...being
the world what it is today, I would say if you don't have
family close by it would be nice for your child to
have a sibiling. It would be hard for her to be
alone if God forbid something happen to you, parents.
If you do have a close family ties with your relatives
then foster your relashionships and let you girls be the
lone-princess in your castle!

God bless!

I have a wonderful 11 year old only child. My husband and I had no problems getting pregnant and made the choice to have an only child. I had the "mommy itch" really bad with before getting pregnant and can honestly say, I've never felt it again. Our son completed our family.

For the first few years I had to fend off the "next baby" questions and comments. I found a great book back then but I'm not sure of the title. "Parenting Your Only Child" is close to the title. The book goes through all the "stereotypical" reasons to have another child and dispels them all. It shows how all children can have those "only child traits". It also explains ways to keep your only child grounded and social.

At eleven, our son is a great student, has many friends, is very active in competitive sports and is an overall great kid.

Good luck.

Hello! I am an only child. :) one thing that always drove me CRAZY was when I told people I was an only- they would assume I was a brat or did not know how to share- without getting to know me! (I also have dealt with this as an adult when I tell people I am an only. )

My biggest complaint of being an only is that I always wanted to have someone to play with at home when it wad "at home" time -ie. Bath time, bed time, rainy days, etc. -BUT I also grew up in the seventies-SO much has changed for kids to get together now! (Computers esp. )

Hope this helps!

H.

I have heard that only children have more trouble adjusting to not being the center of attention and sometimes have trouble tolerating other people's likes/dislikes, sleeping patterns, etc. Sharing might be an issue too.

Of course, if you do not feel like having another child is possible for you then to have another and then promptly lose your mind would not be good for your family either.

If you feel like you and your husband would be okay with bringing another precious soul into the world then GO FOR IT! I have a friend who has a 5 year old and adopted a newborn about 8 months ago. They adore him and are having a great time. The 5 year old loves him and they are a really happy family. They are happy and so grateful for the second baby despite the mother having a host of problems (nothing to do with child bearing) that make her quite fatigued much of the time and the fact that the father works a lot. They are so happy to have the second child and it is really great for the first too!

Hi R.,

I know you have had a lot of responses on this one, but I just wanted to put in my two cents worth. I have been struggling with the same decision as you for over a year now. I have a four year old little boy, and had an easy pregnancy with him. However, I had to have my gallbladder out soon after he was born and developed hypothyroidism. I feel like my body has never quite recovered and worry what another pregnancy will bring. I also work full time, and had no idea how hard juggling a career and a child would be. It is better now that he is older, but I still feel completely overwhelmed at times. That being said, I just can't make that final decision not to have another one. My son is an only child an an only grandchild on both sides and we live in the country, so he really has no one to grow up with. He loves his friends at daycare, and wants to be a big brother so bad. Also, my dad was an only child and hated it. I saw how hard it was for him to have so much responsibility when my grandma was dying. I also have a little brother who is five years younger than me, and we are very close. After months and months of deliberating, I finally got off birth control. We will "probably" start trying in August. This decision terrifies me, and I hope it is the right one. Sorry this post is so long, but I have lots of feelings about this topic. If you do decide to have another, feel free to e-mail me. I would love to have someone to talk to who is going through a similar situation.

Hi R.,
I just joined Mamasource today and have never responded to anything I read but this one seemed "made for me"! ;-) I am a kindergarten teacher, have ben married for 6 years and just had my first child 2 months ago. In addition to this, I am a 29 year old only child. Two of my closest girlfriends are nly children as well and we have spent hours discussing pros and cons of this subject. There are definitely positive and negative aspects of not having any siblings. When I was growing up, I was sometimes bored with no one to play with but also had a close friend who lived down the street that I played with often. I think not being "entertained" constantly with a sibling also fosters (or posibly forces?) a sense of creativity in children. I loved crative writing, art, music, ect.. Of course there were times that I thought it would be fun to have a sibling, but I'm sure that many children with siblings occasionally thought they might like to be without theirs! It was nice to have a few more opportunities growing up, as my parents only had to pay for one child's wardrobe, church camp and college tuition. I feel like I have a special relationship with my parents and it was nice not to have to share them, also. I realized one of the biggest negative aspects of being an only child a few months ago when my father unexpectedly passed away. I suddenly wished that I had someone who could remember "our daddy" with me, someone to help me help my mother, someone who shared my childhood. I do also very much enjoy my husband's big family's Christmas get-togethers with siblings, neices, nephews, aunts,uncles...they are way more fun than our small family celebrations. They are no more SPECIAL than my family holidays, just loud, silly, playful, different! For me and one of my only-children-best-friends, sensitivity is a big part of our lives as well. This could be just our personality types, but I believe that I am extra sensitive and sometimes easily offended because I didn't have siblings. Siblings are those people who fight with you, hit you and yell at you but still love you unconditionally. For me growing up without this interaction, any confrontation with peers was scary for me and I think it took me longer to learn a healthy balance in this area. For a number of reasons, I feel like it would be easier to have an only that is a girl, rather than a boy. I hope this gives you a little bit of insight on both sides- overall, it is all I have known and I had a great childhood! Good luck! (Sorry for any typos- I have a crying baby and no time to check over it!)

R.,

I agree with what H.P. said.

Furthermore, you don't want your daughter to be the only person responsible to take care of you and your husband when you two are elderly. I think about these things. I have three sons, so I feel better knowing that the burden of taking care of elderly parents won't only be on one of them. The three of them can take turns caring for my husband and me.

If you are able to conceive another baby, I think you should do it. Your 5 year old will be at least 6 years old by the time you give birth again, and your 6 year old daughter will be the best help! She will be old enough to help you feed her little sibling, etc. It will be good for everyone!

Okay...enough with the negatives! Seriously, do we all think only children grow up to become depressed, maladjusted monsters?

My 5 year old son is very social and well-adjusted. He has lots of friends but no cousins nearby. I do not worry or feel guilty about the fact that he is an only child. That's his reality. Everyone has a different experience growing up both with and without siblings. My best friend is an only child and she is a happily married mother, college graduate, volunteer and friend to many.

Stop worrying and feeling guilty. Each family is unique. Enjoy yours.

You have a lot of advice so I'll try to keep my thoughts short. I am kind of a hybrid. I'm an only child but since my parents divorced very young I've had an older step-brother and younger step-sister for most of my life (4 years older and 2 years younger, respectively). I lived with my mom and step-dad during the school year (different state from my dad) so I was a true only child 9 months out of the year. I really wanted a sibling because I was so lonely as a shy child. Both my mom and step-dad worked so I played by myself a lot. I do think that had they given me more attention then I probably wouldn't have missed a sibling as much. On the flip side for 3 months a year I was a middle child, so a totally different experience. The biggest difference for me is that I feel so lucky to have my brother and sister (they've never felt like steps). My sister and I have always been really close and our brother is about as close to both of us (that's just his personality). My sister taught me how to share (my college roommate really appreciated that and it seems to be a really tough one for only children).
Here's the kicker though, I have a 14mo and my husband and I aren't sure we want another so go figure. I know that if she's it then we'll be different than my parents and make sure we make lots of time for her. I think you just have to think and pray alot and in the end do what you think is best. Isn't that what you do with every big decision in life? Just make sure that your daughter doesn't play monopoly by herself like I did. It's really depressing to remember your childhood spent alone.

R.,

I have only one and she is 5, and I too am done. But to answer your question, you say you and your husband both had siblings. Just look back at your childhood and take all of them away. any of the large gatherings at holidays, the candy trading after trick or treating at halloween, and the total envy of the cooler gifts that older/younger sibling gets at birthdays and christmas. Of course I think it's nice for the kids to have someone else around, but like I said, I understand your point on it. It's something only you can decide, i don't think your child will turn out in a more or negative or positive way because of having siblings. I wish often that I would have had another, but at this point I really don't see that happenning.

You and your husband are really the ones who have to make the choice here but I will say that I was an only child and I hated it. I still do. My husband is also an only child so its just us and thats it. As much as I hate to have to go through being pregnant again, I am going to just so my son will not be an only child. I dont want him to feel alone like I did and I also dont want him to be alone when my husband and I have passed away. I will only have one more though! I dont want a flock! ha I wish you luck in your decision. Just do what is best for your family.

My Husband and all my close friends are only children and when I talk about my childhood I always hear "Yeah I don't know anything about that!" Is that a bad thing I don't know I just know there is a lot of my life they don't understand.

I am an only child and my advice is this: If you are still open enough to another child to ask for input on it, have another baby. Being an only child has it's perks sure, but I wish I had siblings and always have.