Have You Ever Felt Judged on Your Parenting Choices?

I hate being judged too... But I think you shouldn't be angry at people for giving you advice or making comments because it might just be there personality and they are trying to be helpful. I've actually found myself doing that and then afterwards I realized I came across as judgemental and I was just trying to helpful. So I would just let it go. That is what I try to do... :)

Get a new neighbor. Oops can't do that, spend less time with her and more time with someone who gives you a better feeling. You are doing what you want. Don't listen to her.

J. - YES! My mother does that same thing to me! I just have to look at my daughter and I know she is alright. Ignore the neighbor. She's butting in, and it's really none of her business.

Yep.

The weirdest one ever was when I took my happy kids into a local store, and in the entrance was a woman with several kids being, variously, pretty rambunctious or upset (my family some days, that day it was her family ;) ) ... I wasn't really paying them any mind when she suddenly piped up, very loudly, to noone in particular that "well, SOME people don't even put SOCKS on their kids, in THIS weather!" and went on to mumble something about "colds" and "brain in their heads." It was cold out, but I'd driven, parked in the lot, and carried my baby into the store with a blanket or my jacket (I forget which now) wrapped around his feet--he wasn't wearing socks or shoes because I hadn't wanted to take the time to find the shoes just for a quick trip to the store, for a child whose feet were never going to get near any ground during the trip, when I had so much difficulty getting the other three (and myself!) into their shoes and coats ;)!! For once they all had their hair nicely combed and coherent outfits and were happy and behaved well, all four of my kids, AT THE SAME TIME, and this woman got all huffy about my baby not wearing SOCKS.

It's always something!

To be honest, it took me a few days to get over the injustice of it, but now I just think, "SOCKS!!!!" in a ridiculously offended tone (and she was, for whatever reason, personally offended), whenever I want to remind myself that people just have their own hangups (or that *I* need to get over some hangup of mine ;) ).

Sure I've felt judged. But I've gradually learned that when those judgements get me upset, it's ALWAYS because there is some element of truth in them, however small.

So, on my best days, I've learned to do 5 things, leaving room for the fact that all days are not my best days:

1. I avoid sarcasm, no matter how tempting. Sarcasm seldom has a positive effect on the critic and may actually confirm (in her mind) what a terrible person I am. And I want my child and grandchild to have a civil world to live in. Sarcasm or other forms of rudeness do not make the world a more civil, peaceful or happy place for anyone.

2. If it's possible to talk to them, I THANK the person who comments. I say something sincere, like "I'm so glad there are people in the world who care about the welfare of children! Thank you for your observations. I'm always working to be a better mother." (All true, right? And how could a person possibly go on criticizing me after receiving such a positive response?)

3. I consider the criticism objectively. In what ways might it help me be a better parent/person/citizen of the planet? We all have room for improvement, right? And whatever part of the judgement is that other person's issues, I just shrug and let it go.

4. I work on whatever part of number 3 is within reach, or might already be on my priority list. By doing this to the best of my ability and with the clearest of intentions, I rest happily in the knowledge that I'm being the best person/parent/grandparent I can. Nobody can ask more of me than that.

5. It also helps to keep in mind that people criticize, attack, and judge in other people what they can't bear to acknowledge in themselves. If you track this carefully over time and in all kinds of situations, you'll notice that it's always true. And of course knowing this makes me more hesitant to criticize, attack or judge other people. When I do, I'm looking in a mirror.

Oh, goodness yes! I recently had my judgment questioned by a complete stranger and it flustered me a bit. A few weeks ago, I took my almost 4 year old daughter to a local park that has a water feature in it for kids to play in. It was a hot day and several kids and adults were playing in this area. I dressed her in her swimsuit, but didn't wear my own, so I let her play and I stayed around the edges to watch her. At least one kid in there was completely naked which I thought was inappropriate, but not any of my business so I didn't say anything. The adults were all dressed in everyday casual clothes and most of them were staying around the edges, watching the kids. A few college age young adults were completely in the water, fully dressed and soaked, including one man who was I think Middle Eastern. He appeared to possibly be of a conservative religious background because he wore a long sleeved shirt and long pants (which he didn't roll up) and had a full beard. He was playing with some of the kids, including my daughter. He never got very close to them or touched any of the children. He was stepping on some of the jets to make the water shoot up higher for the kids to play in. Near the end of the afternoon, he and my daughter were the only two left in the fountain. I was sitting within 10 feet of them at the edge of the play area watching them. An older lady walked up to me and asked if she was my little girl and did I know the man. I said yes she was my daughter and no I didn't know the man, but that I had spoken to him earlier and I had been in the water with them just a few minutes before. She asked me if I felt nervous letting a strange man play with my daughter. I said no, they had been playing off and on for about an hour, he hadn't made any attempt to touch her and I was always right there watching. I never left her alone in the area and as a matter of fact when I went to the restroom, I pulled her out of the play area and made her go with me. When we came home that evening, I asked my husband if he thought my judgment was bad and if I was being naive in the situation. He said he trusted my judgment and that lady was probably being paranoid because he was a man and possibly because he was Middle Eastern. It did make me wonder if maybe I had taken a risk with her, but I decided that I was right to allow her to play freely. I don't want my child to grow up being afraid of people because of their gender, ethnicity or religious beliefs. There was no inappropriate behavior and if there had been, you can bet I would have been right there to get my child safely out of the situation. As a mom, you have to trust your instincts and know that you know what is right for your child.

Hello J.-

Today I am a Parent Coach, but I use to be a Certified Professional Nanny. I started working as a Nanny at 18, however I looked about 16, (Good genes). My first family had a 3 year old and a 11 month old, so when I took the children to the Mall, I would get the dirtiest looks, because people thought I was a teen mom.

As a result, I started dressing a lot nicer than the jeans & t-shirts I normally wore. So, yes I do know what it's like to be judged.

My suggestion, you can worry about what other people say/think, but you cannot change it. Be the best Mom you know how to be and the only judgement that will matter is that of the children who will love you for being Mom.

As for your neighbor, all you can do is smile at her. You could say somethink like, "I appreciate you taking an interest in my family, but I have everything undercontrol, and we're all happy with our lifestyle."

Good luck to you!

Sincerely-

R.
R. Magby
Parent Coach
Everything Baby,llc
www.everythingbabyllc.com

The evil side of me wants to say that you should have responded to your neighbor with this, "WELL, thank God she's not your daughter or she would be fat, bored, and swimming in her clothes!" Of course you can't say that.....
Nope, we as mama's (and especially as WOMEN) can really cut down and make another woman feel like she is doing it all wrong! I personally don't have very many women friends, I think we, as a whole, are catty bit#!s. but that's just me.
I remember my mother saying something to me about what I was doing with my older son (and my mom RARELY butts in) and I just turned and looked her dead in the eye and said, "He's my son. I'll do as I please. He'll be fine"
I have no problem with telling people that I don't appreciate their input. I don't particularly care if I hurt their feelings (for the most part) and sometimes the nice way (as Judy so nicely wrote out) just doesn't work.
I know some women will say she was just trying to help, but did you say , "Hey nosy neighbor...just wondering what you thought of all my daughter's activities? how 'bout how thin she is...any ideas?" Unless that happened, she is not helping.
Get a backbone and stand up for yourself. It only get worse the older they get!
L.
oh yeah, as for the pants.....tell her "my daughter is a size 7 (or whatever size she is in) since you seem to be so worried about how short her pants are will you buy her a couple more pairs?" or not....

My first thought was "Wow--she noticed all that? What's missing in her life?" Not the most constructive train of thought, but you get my point. As Peg mentioned, most judgmental comments are far more about the person speaking than they are about our kids or parenting.

I have a thick skin; having worked with kids I have a lot of confidence that what I'm doing with them may not be perfect, but it's usually fine. I recently encountered a woman at the zoo who, when seeing my son happy and giggling and not ready to come to the next attraction with us, (my husband and I weren't upset, either, just playfully helping him transition) said "Well, it looks like someone needs a harness!" I was taken aback, but smiled at this sourpuss and said "He's really having fun, isn't he?!" and we ignored her.But I was surprised that she felt entitled to make a comment about something that wasn't disruptive and had absolutely nothing to do with her.--Once again, this was really her stuff hanging out all over the place.

Obviously you can't ignore nosy neighbors, but my other pat answer is "Hmmm...I'll think about that." or "I'll keep that in mind." and just do my own thing. It's both non-confrontive and non-engaging. It avoids dispute because there's just nothing else for someone to say. Especially good for asinine comments or suggestions like the Zoo Lady.

Family is a little harder. Some people don't know when to stop. In my family there are a lot of anxious/angry/Type-A people who can't seem to help making infuriating and completely inappropriate comments in front of the kids. I try to keep all this in mind when someone completely offends me. It isn't easy, but I know that some in my family are more comfortable engaging negatively than they are positively and this is just the filter through which they think and speak. So again, neutral comments on my end acknowledge the fact that they spoke, but don't give any room for bickering or conflict. It's too bad that we all can't be more supportive of each other as parents, but I think that, for some reason or another, what "supportive" looks like to each of us largely depends on our own degree of happiness. People who are truly happy and satisfied with themselves generally aren't usually focused on making someone else a better parent!

Every mother judges the parenting choices of other mothers. I don't think any mother can honestly say she has never looked at a child or mother and thought she could do better in some area. It is just our nature. Most people though, know that it is best to keep those judgments to ourselves. In relationships like friendships, and family, some people feel that they are close enough to you to give you advice without you getting too offended. I think this comes from the "it takes a village to raise a child" idea. We think that it is our responsibility to help those we care about. Most criticism and judgment you get from those people are given in the form of advice, and are given with good intentions, not hurtful ones. It is hurtful when we hear that someone doesn't agree with our choices, but try to not take it too personally.

A good way to end a conversation where someone insist on giving you their advice is to say something that makes it obvious you don't find it helpful, but hurtful.
*I appreciate your concern, but my husband and I consciously made those parenting choices, and we think we are doing just fine.
*You got to parent your children, and I will parent mine.
*I am doing what I think is best.
*We are going to have to just agree to disagree on this because I am not interested in debating my choices.

Good luck... it does not get any better, but as you get more confident in your parenting, it is easier to ignore. Just trust your instincts, try your best, and seriously consider the advice of at least a few outside of your home (like your pediatrician, and a best friend or sister).

Ha! I have to admit that I do sometimes feel like I am being judged. However I have to be honest with myself and say that I also judge (usually only in my head).
I am one of those people who try to see all sides and be very honest and hold myself accountable. I don't mind people having their opinions as long as it's suggested in a tasteful way. I guess it's up to you to be as confident as you can that you have made the right choices and decisions.
If there is some doubt about a comment that has been made, just muddle that over and ask yourself why. Explore it then discard it as a learning experience if nothing comes of thinking about it. But don't take it too personally. I know many good hearted people that can be unintentionally offensive. Alternatively, you can call them on the comment and see what happens if that would make you feel better. Bear in mind that relationships can be broken if the other person is not willing to see other view points.
Sorry to get all psycho babble on you..just thought I owuld offer a different "take" on the situation.
Ellie

OH MY YES - and I don't care for it at all. Dear heavens' - your neighbor needs a hobby. This is what I suggest (which is very difficult for me to do ) --- look at her and say '''' those are very interesting points -- I'll certainly consider them'''' THEN CHANGE THE SUBJECT. If your neighbor continues--- look puzzled and say ''' you surely aren't asking me to take serious issues like this and change family policy without consulting all the other family members and professionals who are already helping us with these decisions???"""" If she STILL continues -- get really really really slow-witted and just keep saying- ''these decisions are being made by a team of professionals and family- and we'll continue to do our best''. If all else fails-- lock the silly woman out of your home. ( and don't explain anything you ssay-- I once knew a woman who plonked herself down in my living room and demanded ''''' so tell me all about your miscarriage''' I replied ''' the pregnancy terminated -- we're so upset---'''' and changed the subject. sigh

You can do it dear heart-
Blessings,
J. - aka- Old Mom

Wow. This happens to all of us. Just take it for what it is... opinions. No one can tell you the best way to raise your kids but you. I have 4 different kids with 4 different sets of needs. We all do our best with our kids. Sometimes advice is valuable even though it may be unsolicited. Listen to it, make your own conclusions about whether or not to try it, and move on. Wherever you go, people will be eyeing you and your child(ren) for one reason or another. As far as your neighbor goes, I'm sure she has yor reasons for telling you her opinion. You could tell her that you respect her opinion, but that you are choosing to raise your child your way.
We just cancelled a trip out of state because we got new, life threatening, and scary diagnoses for my daughter. I don't know enough about the conditions to feel comfortable taking her far from home. My sister-in-law and her children have been attacking me and every aspect of my parenting ever since because they disagree with my decision. They will have to get over it. The decision has been made and my husband and support network here fully agree with my decision. End of story.
Do your best with your child. If you need help, reach out... and know that every person who tries to impart their "wisdom" is looking at the picture from the outside. You know what is best for your child and if you don't, you know to ask for help and you have a lot of resources, I'm sure, at where to get it. Good luck.

I am sure you will receive countless responses on this. I am so sorry you have a nosey/opinionated neighbor. I too feel judged a lot. However, I have come to learn that each and every parent does it differently. I found myself being judgemental of others as well...its tough. We all think that our way is best, because afterall we wouldnt do anything less than the best for our child(ren). You have to do what you think is best for your child. Welcome other's perspectives but dont take the judgement. find a polite way to respond to your neighbor's advice and let it go. If she is that judgemental of you, she probably is that way to everyone in her life.
As to the chocolate milk issue. I wanted to share a thought with you (nonjudgementally of course, but it reminded me of a friend of mine)...an underweight child (even a "normal" weight whild) isnt nessesarily healthy. Dont confuse weight with health. Maybe your neighbor was just meaning that chocolate milk isnt the best for your child, regardless of her size. I personally give both my kids (who are average weight) sugar-free chocolate. Its better for them and they love it. My friend that I mentioned stated that she would continue giving her daughter whole milk (even though the doctor recommended switching to 2%) because "she isnt overweight, if she gets to be overweight then I will switch." It made me feel like she MUST think that my kids are overweight because they drink 2%...silly I know, but its how I felt. Also, I thought wow why would you wait until there is a problem to make a healthy choice...but to each their own, right??
I hope you have a more peaceful day today. Try not to let the judger's get to you. I am sure you are a wonderful mom and you will do what is best. Besides, so what if her pants are too short?! Roll them a little and call them capri!!! :)

There is a reason for all that you do, and if anyone has anything to say about whatever it is that you do, if the person is close to you and actually WORTH explaining your reasoning, explain. If not, who cares what they have to say!

Is there something that you feel guilty about that is bothering you and maybe you feel like everyone is judging you as a result when in fact maybe nobody even notices? Or are people actually giving you a hard time constantly? Detach yourself from people who try to make you feel like you are less of a mother than you are, who needs the negativity?! If its your family, kindly tell them why you do what you do, and you would appreciate it if they keep their opinions to themselves if they are not okay with that.

If you feel you are doing a good job, find some way to just blow off steam.
Your neighbor sounds nosey to me.
Maybe you & your neighbor don't have the same values, nor do you have the same kids.
That's why we say "Different strokes for different folks."
Politely (with love in your heart) tell your neighbor to mind her own business.
By the way ask her if she has the cash to spare & buy your daughter some new pants & give her your daughter's size. My daughter wear 6X slim, I buy Sears, Canyon River Blues Jeans beacuse the have an adjustable waist.

Yes I to know haw you feel. I have a two year old underweight daughter who is in feeding therapy and still breastfeeds, almost exclusively. I find it obnoxious when I am feeding her in public and people think it is okay for them to tell me that she is too old to breastfeed and that if she was really hungry she would eat. I look at them and tell them "You know you're right, I should just let her starve. That will teach her. I will just go tell her pediatrician, her feeding specialist, her occupational therapist, and her nutritionist who all have been working with her since she was 11 months old that they are wrong and I found a genius with the solution to all of my problems." That usually shuts them up. I mean where do people get off telling me that what I am doing as a parent is wrong. It would be one thing if my behavior was harmful or abusive, but I am freaking breastfeeding my daughter which is recommended by the World Health Organization until at least two years of age. People need to get a life and mind their own business. If you have an opinion and I did not ask for it keep it to yourself. You are not the all knowing end all be all of parenting, neither am I. I would say if you want to feed your kid chocolate milk feed her chocolate milk. If you want to to put her in a lot of activities then do it. If she wears short pants then so be it. You are her mother and you will make sure she gets what she needs and learns what she needs.

So sorry that happened. Believe me, I bet you EVERY mother on here at one point or another got themselves an earful. Some people just don't know when to butt out and mind their own as opposed to making sure they are only stepping in because the child is in danger. I've been in your position and it's simple...tell them to mind their own. There probably a more tactful way of putting things, but it's your business. You know what's best for your daughter and if you weren't sure about something...that's why we have those wonderful pediatricians...and our mothers and fathers. Did you hear about the horrible people lately in the news? There was a guy in his 60's who decided to take it upon himself to slap some woman's toddler...all because he didn't want to listen to them whine/cry. There was also some woman who spanked another woman's child in a Salvation Army...because she didn't agree with the toddler's behavior and the mother's way of handling it. It's scary, but there are people out there who believe they have every right to touch our children without our permission or dictate to us what THEY believe is best for OUR children. Hopefully you'll be able to find a way to talk to your neighbor about how you feel. :D Good luck!

I think everyone feels judged at some time or another. You are definitetly not alone.
You can address it or ignore it. Usually ignoring is the best and when I mean ignore it, start ignoring the person completely. If they ask you why you are not hanging out or whatever - just be honest and say that you feel like they are judging your choices and ask them to stop.
If you have to address it, like in the case of a family member, I usually say, "Thanks for your advice on how to raise my child. It's my turn to learn how to be a parent and currently I like the way I do it. When I don't, I will follow up with you." Usually shuts them right up!

Had to laugh over K.'s response...I met the "sock" lady on more than on occasion. My youngest loved to pull his socks off. After many, many trips out (every day), I stopped putting them on. It amazed me how many people acted like I was abusing my child by not having socks on his feet. As if I would let his little toes freeze! I don't think so...

I think the answer to your quandry is in your question...to simply say to her, "Yes, those are the parenting choices which I have made." And drop the subject. It will leave her not sure what to say. If she does continue, you can tell her she is making you uncomfortable, and to please stop questioning your judgment.

I have an adhd kid. Not so much now that he has gotten older, but when he was younger he NEVER behaved in stores. I got looks, advise, sarcasm, mean, rude people saying things to both me and my child. I got a thick back, and just didn't answer except with a look like it isn't any of your business. I learned quickly not to make an excuse or try to explain his behavior to people. After all, how long are they going to be in your life? 5 minutes at the most.
Oh, my kids are skinny minnies too. Would only drink chocolate milk when they were younger also. It is better than no milk at all. And both my son's pants get a little short before I buy new. Whose don't these days?? Just tell your neighbor to myob.

Let it go. It's annoying, but they obviously have no social skills. My neighbor told us the new window treatment we put up last week is "ugly". Yes, she came right out and said that. We chose not to respond and just know that she'll come up with zingers every now and then. Is it right, no, but it's not worth the energy to battle against it. Now you have to work on not letting it get to you. That's the hard part.

Oh yes, we are all judged on our choices - parenting or not. Most of the time I choose to ignore these people and change the subject or end the conversation. Both of my boys hated soccer and I got an earful on not having them in sports. Bottom line, she is your child and your make the decisions. If you are comfortable with your choices then don't worry about what other people think. Good luck.

Oh, yes!! Because we make more natural and "alternative" choices for our daughter's diets & health care, and some people think I don't keep a close enough eye on my kids.

What I've found is that, at least in my case, people think that because they are making more mainstream choices for their children I'm calling them a bad parent or saying that they're hurting their kids. That, of course, makes them defensive because they're trying to do the best for their kids same as me. However, I feel that I have more or better information, and so on and on it goes.

The best is not to argue. Try to frame comments and explanations in the form of, "I feel that it's best for my child . . .", or "We have decided that for Johnny we'll do this". Rather than a more forceful statement of "this is what's best".

And don't sweat it!

hi J.,

Have you ever read the book I was a realy good mom before I had kids?

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_2_19?url=search-alias%3...

It's all about how mom's judge each other because of our insecurities. It really helped soothe me because I am a fulltime working mom with a child in daycare. Made me realize that nothing is going to be perfect and I have to accept "good enough". It touches a lot on the subject about how motherhood is the hardest thing any of us have ever done and we should support and not judge. I highly recommend it!!!!

Yes!!! Many people will make judgements like or not..i have my fiance's family judging..they judge me on what i feed my child, what do put into my baby's formula, how to raise my children. they think its the best thing to do because they think they are always right, it kinda make you feel bad that they don't agree, but i know what is best for my child. Who care what they think, my child is healthy and fine. Strangers judgment don't bother me at all but family gets on my nerve, sometimes i like to avoid them.

They just need to focus on themselves and their health....sometimes i start to dislike them because of all the judging, but thats just normal.

Respond by kinda accepting their preference but don't go through with it if you feel that its not your interest.

Hope this helps!

YOU are the mama, you know what's best! Choose whom you will listen to and try to tune out the rest. Nod and smile saying thank you for your concern, in the end, people will always have their opinions, and you can't change that, but you can guard your heart from all the judgement. I have learned to do this with my MIL. People do things differently, NOT BETTER, just differently, and kids grow up to thrive with all the different parenting styles. So stick to how you like to do things, and if you have any questions, ask someone you respect, and tune out the rest! I am sure you are a great mama, don't let busybodies/or busymouths, change that! :-)

How about being upfront? The first time people are rude like that, yeah. I try to politely get out of the conversation. If they decide to "educate" me a second time? "I do not want or need your input on that subject. Please drop it."

Rude people usually also think that they are superior to you as well, hence the rudeness in the first place.

Of course, you don't need to be a jerk when you say something like this. You can say it softly with a smile and not if front of other people (other than perhaps your spouse.)