Why All the Stigma and Judgement with ADHD Parenting?

I don't see what you see. My oldest has ADHD. My 8 year old probably does too. As does my husband. I mention it here when it's germane to the post (which is often). So far I haven't gotten any negative feedback. I don't hear from people who imply that it's not valid or who question the treatments we mention. I don't hear from people who think it's about poor parenting skills, or suggest outdated ideas like "feed them less sugar" and such. Overall, my experience has been positive and the responses I have received are usually from people who also have ADHD, or their spouses or themselves live with it.

I'm sorry that you feel judged - hopefully you can just tune out the negative and focus on what's constructive.

I do not judge parents of ADHD/ADD kids simply because I haven't walked that path at all. It's a little like having someone ask a question about being married to a police officer; it's something I know is a very unique situation and that if you haven't walked that path, you might not have much to contribute to the conversation.

I have a child with vision issues which do not manifest themselves typically, and have one person who has, not intentionally, heaped a lot of assumptions (which sometimes feel like judgment) on me for it, without knowing much of what's really going on with Kiddo's eyes. It's easy for this person to give me advice or tell me what's wrong because they think they've got the answers. They don't. And they also don't see some of what I see, when we're alone; how tired his eyes are and how hard he struggles with some tasks, even when he's really trying.

In short, it's easy for people who are on the outside of something to make assumptions about it. Kind of how we make assumptions about what life is like in foreign countries. We just can't know until we've lived it, and each child is different, each parent is different. There are too many variables, anyway, for me to judge on this...

I see more judgment about not breastfeeding then ADHD. Yoh want to see the ugly side of some women (nothing person ladies) get the breastfeeding debate going! Or the "what to name my baby" question...now in the "REAL" world the stigma is very much there. My 6 year old son is bipolar, and people have told me I must be doing something wrong, or why am I medicating him? Just let him be a boy. I've vented a few times about how rough it can get with my son and was surprised by the support I received.

I used to be judgemental. Before I had kids. I was really ignorant. Non-neurotypical kids are not the product of bad parenting. ADHD is a real condition. Parents who have not lived it, may not ever "get" it the same way.

There is stigma and judgement across the board on all kinds of parenting. My kids have Type 1 diabetes and people accuse me of "over medicating" all the time and try to tell me that my kids have T1D because I fed them too much sugar and *must* eat at McDonalds every day. Ummmmmm, most of those idiots don't realize that insulin isn't a medication, and T1D isn't diet related!!! But people are so stuck in their ways that they refuse to see another way.

I have learned to let people stew in their own ignorance. They stay stuck and we are free because we have a ton of knowledge and STILL realize that we don't know everything! :) Hugs to you, mama. I don't know anything about ADHD, but I support you!

Edit* I just read the other responses and, once again, Theresa AMAZES me with incredibly good insight. Thank you Theresa! I am going to take your words to heart! :)

Just my experience, a lot of these kids are crazy smart and people are crazy jealous. Not everyone but enough.

Ohhhh they are just hyper so rather than discipline them they medicate them! The problem with that is they are stimulants for crying out loud!! Who calms a child down with stimulants!??

I guess I am lucky, my kids were well behaved, never had a discipline problem at all. No one could say I did it to control my kids. What was funny was then I got well the drugs make them smarter! Its a stimulant!!!! Wana borrow one, I bet your kid will be just as stoopid!

It doesn't help that people of normal kids want their kid diagnosed to excuse their bad parenting, heck everyone knows one of those kids. Then when the doctor won't diagnose, because their kids don't have ADHD, they turn to diet and structure and low and behold, their child is cured by their superior parenting.

It is crazy. The best I have found is to concern myself with my kids. I make sure they understand why people react as they do. That is the best I can do, I can't change other people. I do show by example that they have no idea what the face of ADHD looks like and I am good with that.

Cheryl's answer is interesting. Most of the moms who either have ADHD or kids with ADHD on this board, the regulars, are some of the strongest advocates I know when it comes to ADHD. Just because we don't appear to be stigmatized doesn't mean the same comments would not effect someone else differently. I grew up with ADHD, my oldest is 24, this is old hat to me. I have raised successful adults far more successful than I was at their age. That is all the proof I need that medication is a positive thing. What concerns me is the first time dealing with this person.

Reading your responses is like going through the mail. You just toss the junk mail in the shredder.

I think you got a lot of very thoughtful well written responses to your first question. Couple ones, eh, sure, whatever, right?

I hope you'll rethink feeling "judged". We are all so different here, and yet we're all the same in that we want the best for our kids.

There are a LOT of regulars here with diagnosed kids. A wealth of information and experience. Take what you can use, and toss the rest in the shredder, ok?

:)

You are awesome! Thank you, thank you for your post. I couldn't agree with you more!

The answer is that people just have a hard time accepting mental/brain disabilities of any sort ... ADHD and beyond. They think you can somehow diet, parent or "will" mental/brain disorders away. How I wish that were the case but it's not the reality. We have a long way to go in this world in accepting these conditions.

People who bash anything to do with ADHD are ignorant. They haven't walked a mile in our shoes. They have no idea how much we all go through before we can figure out we're even dealing with a medical disorder. We blamed ourselves, read every parenting "strong-willed" children book, took parenting classes and asked doctors for advice. We've been to hell and back.

I've found it's best to post about ADHD on ADHD boards where you're dealing with people knowledgeable about the condition. The general public rarely falls into this category.

I always find it crazy when people with zero experience with ADHD respond to questions about this condition when they'd never do the same when it came to any other medical condition.

You're not alone in all of the feelings you've shared.

ETA: It makes me want to scream loudly when I see or hear anyone say negatives about medication and that it's overused. Here's the thing to those who do: If a child doesn't truly have ADHD, stimulant medication will make a child very hyper. No parent would keep a child on it if it did that. If stimulants calm a child, that child definitely has ADHD. It's never an easy decision for any parent to try medication and doctors don't just prescribe it readily. It's a very long process.

I have to say that I haven't seen any judging on mamapedia in regards to this. At least in the posts I have read, people have been supportive and kind. So I think the reason that most judge is because we just don't understand it. I personally am trying to change that and become more informed about all of these disorders etc. I have friends whose children are ADHD and ADD. I applaud you for voicing your concern over this. I honestly try not to judge anyone's parenting. I know that for me, I don't like to be judged..so I try really hard not to judge others. Good luck!

I've been on this forum for a long time and I have never gotten the impression that people on this sight and I don't believe that those that share stories about adhd children are stigmatized about their parenting skills. Maybe I've missed something.

Yes, we all do whatever we can to help our children. Many posters have talked about how medication has improved their and their children's lives. I just don't recall a consensus of people putting down those who have had to medicate their children. I see suggestions to try other things first, but no one really bashing parents who have to resort to medication.

Preaching to the choir, sister.

For me it's the fact that so many kids are misdiagnosed and so many parents are not using adequate discipline for difficult behavior that it shortchanges the perception of the real cases of ADHD. But still, there is huge support for diagnosing it and medicating it as well, so I think you just have to not care what people think.

I wrote a question from my perspective (the opposite one-largely due to a health issue I have now from a drug I took when I was young) a few weeks ago if you want to search back for it on my profile. I know lots of parents who tried everything on earth EXCEPT discipline (diet, therapy, all the stuff we hear listed before going to the doctor for meds, but almost never a discipline plan that was tried religiously). It would be helpful to hear more testimonials from parents who did use discipline first in a culture where psychologists and doctors are always preaching against trying it in favor of evaluations and "other stuff besides discipline". Many of us skeptics have very difficult kids of our own and have watched friends with easier ones turn to meds without much of a fight. And it is way too easy. Lots of family doctors with no expertise CAN write prescriptions without any formal evaluation. I know three siblings on meds right now whose family doc just took their mom's word for what she thought was wrong and wrote up the drugs no problem. So not ALL parents are as careful as you are, which puts a negative slant on the whole thing.

Most parents know that SOME kids really have ADHD and that is real. But people also know it is over-diagnosed at this point in time. Many kids are on meds unnecessarily with no knowledge on their parent's part of the long term effects (irregular heartbeat for me), and that is very sad. It's the same as judging people for letting their kids play too close to a busy street. People will always judge what they think is bad or dangerous for kids. But for those who need the drugs, and really do have kids with ADHD like your daughter: hang tough, and don't worry about the naysayers!

why does telling our stories about our ADHD diagnosed children perpetuate a stigma about our parenting skills?
Because old mindsets prevail. Because ADHD is misunderstood. Because drugs seem like a path of convenience rather than, as is often the case, the path of last resort.

But do you, or any of us really have the right do judge the decisions we make as parents?
I think we have the right to judge, and a duty to intervene, when a child is being put in harms way. Otherwise, no not really. You let your five year old wear tutus and a cape to school, not going to judge. You let your five year old go without food for a week, I'll look to intervene.

When we post questions like this, should we just expect we're being judged?
No, I imagine you are looking for insight, feedback and opinions, and different points of view, you might, however invite judgement. Some people can't help themselves.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I have been on here for 6 years and I see mostly supportive posts for ADHD kids and their moms. There are a lot of them on here. Perhaps you read them with a bias slant because you have an ADHD child. Or perhaps those posts don't have any background information in which it is hard to give the mom better advice. And often times, many children are slapped with the ADHD label when there are other issues going on. I see a lot of those.

I read your first question about your ADHD daughter and most of the replies were very sympathetic and offered legitimate advice. So, in posts like what you have here, you are mostly preaching to the choir, but it does make us feel like we have to be put on the defensive.

I judge harshly because far too often I see this example:

Lazy single mother, doesn't pay attention to her children, plunks them in front of the TV when she's home, throws them in daycare even when she's not working, etc...and wow, all of her children are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Gee, big surprise. Attention deficit is right...as in, THEY AREN'T GETTING ATTENTION. I used to babysit several of these children (I bet I've know at least 25 in this EXACT same situation) and they were FINE with me, NO MEDS, because I interacted with them. Played with them. Gave them a craft to do. WHATEVER.

Now, I'm certainly not saying there aren't legit cases. The way you describe your daughter, perhaps that's an actual case, and I applaud you for doing what you need for your daughter. You sound like a capable, involved mother and I don't think there is anything TO judge.

It does sort of bother me that people seem to want to get up on a pedestal and shout out their children's disorders. Not that I think it should be "kept in the dark" so to speak, but I don't go around telling people about any of my personal health conditions. That's a need-to-know type of thing. Sure, teachers and doctors need to know...but does everyone else? So that's another thing that bothers me about the whole issue. And again, not speaking of you or this forum...this is an anonymous place to vent, and I get the need to do that sometimes. I do it myself! :) I think this is the perfect place to talk about things like this.

To reflect and give my own example, and you want to feel judged, be in my footsteps on this one. I cannot tell you HOW MANY TIMES on this site there's been some rant about welfare, how they should all be drug tested, how food stamps should only be able to buy rice and beans, etc. I get so tired of that junk I want to PUKE, because if it weren't for welfare and food stamps my family would be on the street or in a shelter. My husband is disabled and I have my hands full caring for two children (both with "needs", let's say, although they are beautiful and brilliant) and my husband.
It's no one's business to insist I get drug tested...we are sober, and I volunteer my time to the community regularly and am an involved (very) parent. It's no one's business to tell me I can't buy that package of cookies for my kids for a treat. It's no one's business to tell me "their" taxes pay for me...no they don't. Their taxes pay for studies on why pigs stink or how we can make grapes better. I PAY TAXES TOO.

SO, there's my rant for the evening, and my show of understanding about feeling judged. Totally off subject, but just to share that yes, I get it. :)

(One more note, and some encouragement for when you get frustrated...my first child was and still is an angel. Never cried or threw a fit. NEVER disobeyed. I honestly thought I was just the best mother in the world...why wouldn't I? I'd go to stores and see the children being dragged around screaming, etc...and here's my little angel, sitting in the cart as pleasant as can be. Okay, so on to child number 2...total opposite. Will attempt to do what she wants, when she wants, and because she has a reason of her own, WILL NOT listen to the reason of others. Now, she's only 2 years old and I still have a shred of hope for the future...but I no longer judge mothers with screaming children because I have one of my own. Ha ha.)

lol your question was a little to rambly for me to focus on but I'll answer your title question.

ADD, ADHD isn't something you can look at a photo of a kid and say Oh Yes they have this disorder, the way you could with a Downs Child or a child with Cerebal Palsy.

How am I to know your 10 yo in the grocery store laying on the ground kicking and screaming because the store is out of Moose Tracks icecream, has a disorder and isn't just a spoiled kid that doesn't know how to behave in public.

I usually do just shrug and think, wow that kid must have something wrong with them, because i know ADHD, and ADD and OCD, and ODD are all out there.

I tell you what, I have alot more repect for parents that TELL the people working with their kids WHAT their diagnosis is, and are trying things like you mentioned, diet, weight vests, meds etc to try to help their children.

I can just think of most of judgemental opinions everywhere is mostly because of lack of information/ignorance or just the opposite, too much information and poor clarity about certain topics. The key, in my opinion, is just be respectful with others whatever people decide to do with their lives, and last but not least, it is important accept different opinions and different perspectives if we ask for those. Every person, every family is a totally different world with different experiences.

Your post could be almost the same as mine about my 9 year old son! We went through years of him being branded as "the problem child" that I just knew was not who he was on the inside (because he would tell us, I don't know why I did that, I just did, I couldn't help it, with tears in his eyes). The poor kid was on a restrictive diet and just unhappy with life. Until I talked to a mother who had an older son who was diagnosed ADHD and I realized, thats what my son is like too!! I was on the phone that day with his teacher and his doctors to get appointments to get him in and figure this all out! Once we did decide medication was the next step, I cried and agonized over the decision until someone told me "If your son was diagnosed with poor vision, you wouldn't say, "try squinting for a year before we get you glasses". That made it clear to me that you do what you need to do to help your kids, and it has nothing to do with me and my parenting abilities.
Ever since then he has been able to be the awesome, smart, funny kid that I always saw that the teachers and kids at school didn't know about and I thank God every time I see him playing with other kids in the backyard and bringing home great papers from school because he is finally happy.