People That Aren't Moms...

That's not a non-mom thing. That's an animal activist thing.

Edited to add - I've had 3 kids after adopting two dogs and two cats (for a total of 5 kids). Unless one of my animals was an untrainable danger to my children, no, they don't go. I made a commitment to ALL of them. It really isn't all that hard.

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(laughing) Some of these responses crack me up.

Keeping an animal who is not getting the attention they need, is not a kind option. For some, negotiating their animal's need with their child's need IS easy. For others, not so much. A lot depends on the owners disposition AND the animals disposition.

I had to re-home my dog. Her name is Nakita and she is a gorgeous black wolf of a dog. I love her so much and THAT is why I had to find her a person who could meet her needs. I'd rescued her six years prior as a teenage pup and she was already aggressive by the time she came to me. Her breeding (part chow) didn't help. She was my protector and companion for many years. She was with me always, and I had her off leash trained and well tended. In turn, she kept me from harm and was always a friend.

When my daughter was born, she and my husband's dog started fighting. Both were beta dogs, and wanted to be alpha of the "pack". Especially because they were confused by the transition and rearrangement of roles. I couldn't break up fights, retrain, give them positive reinforcement, discipline and enough exercise (both are also herding mixes). It was too much and was dangerous.

So, a friend of mine took her. He is a forest guy, and loved her from the start. They are very happy together today, and are usually found skinning deer, or romping in the woods, or camping in the mountains.

Finding a new home WAS the way I could advocate for my animal companion. Life is not black and white, nor is activism. The second we forget that, we are not activists but bigots.

No thank you.

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Just smile and say, "I hope some day you are blessed with the children you want. It is the hardest job you will ever have, but yet the best. It is so hard because you have to make decisions for the best interests of the ENTIRE family, not just yourself. Some day you will get it."

We had to rehouse one of our dogs right after my oldest was born, too. I get it. Don't have any guilt over it. I know lots of families that have to make that choice, too.

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Yeah......the childless.
They have all the answers.
I was one of them.
Til I had my son at 39.
I never imagined how HARD it is.
I never imagined putting underwear and socks on stuffed animals.
I became the mom in the fast food joint at high noon holding up the line saying "Chocolate milk or water? Chocolate milk or water? Chocolate milk or water?"

It's not the dog issue, specifically--it's just general childless cluelessness. So, consider the source.

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That is a non-mom thing. My single friend thinks her dog is her child. It is not her child. It is a dog. It will never be a child and should not be referred to or compared to a child. She fusses over her dog and fusses at my kids. I don't hang out with her anymore. Once she has a child and realizes that a dog, while a beloved member of the family, is not actually on the same level as a child, we might be able to see eye to eye again.
This lady is a jerk for judgng you. I would never say anthing to her, but I sure would be thinking of all the questionable choices she's made. Where her priorities are and just how responsible she is.

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well, looking at your bio, you have one child and work part-time yet say you talk about how stressful and crazy it is being a mom. Maybe she's tired of hearing about it. I agree that nonmom's don't get it but I also try to keep in mind that I wanted children so don't talk about it a lot in front of people who don't have kids. She doesn't get how hard it is yet it's true that people have been doing it for centuries and some people do it with more ease than others. So it may not be all about the dog versus if you're often talking about how it's SO stressful sometimes and she's getting tired of hearing about it. Her fault if she's joining in the conversations. Your fault IF you're doing it a lot in an open forum and she has no where to go otherwise to get her work done. I only find it annoying when nonMoms complain about how crazy and stressful their lives are without taking into account women who are doing the same type of job AND raising kids.

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People that aren't Moms .....
Are completely clueless.

They don't mean to be.
I know I was clueless before I became a Mom. :)

Just smile like the Mona Lisa, and be as deaf as the Mona Lisa also.

One day your clueless co-worker will be a Mom and cringe at all the things she said and thought before she knew the truth.

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It's very easy to parent other people's children and run other people's homes before having either of your own. :-)

Seriously though, do her opinions and judgments really matter in the scope of your day? Will her words have an effect on how you live? Are you friends with her where her comments should actually matter to you?

She sounds young, inexperienced, and idealistic. Let her have her little fantasies and one day, she'll face the harsh reality of being judged for something that's important to her and feeling as if she has to defend it.

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I agree there is a degree on non-mom out there but also the animal attitude. A friend of mine is a single mom and lost her job. Her husband died 3 years ago at the young age of 35, leaving a 1 month, 2 yr and 5 yr old. She ended up selling the home (luckily sold fast and not underwater yet) and moved to live with her parents in their 3 flat. She had 2 dogs as well. She hated it but ended up having to give them to a friend after a year, at least her kids can visit them anytime they want. She is doing the best she can. Her parents were able to help her by not collecting rent and she took some classes so is back at work doing really well. BUT, she actually got comments that she should not have had another child if she could not afford it when the person found out she had to give up her dogs.

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People can be jerks. Before I had kids I "knew" I wouldn't gain weight either, HA! Ignore her and know in your heart that when she does have kids she'll finally understand....

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You don't "handle" other people, you handle your own thoughts. I know how easy it is to be upset by other people's judgments; I do it myself. But I've also been learning that the best I can do is the best I can do, and the decisions I make are the right ones if I made them thoughtfully, with the best intentions toward all affected parties.

That doesn't mean other people must agree with me or approve of my decisions. But it's not their business. And the more I learn to keep my judgments out of other people's choices (and it is a learning process that I undertake with real attention), the more immune I gradually become to their opinions of my choices.

You know, usually when somebody's judgments, or even an innocent statement or facial expression, hit us wrong is when we are not completely sure we did the right thing. So their comments tug on our "Did I really? Was I wrong?" doubts. They might be just below our mental notice, but our feelings are more in touch with our sense of doubt, and so we feel annoyed or agitated and assume it was what the other person said or did.

It isn't. It's usually what we think ourselves, but have buried. It's usually a judgment we still hold against ourselves, in spite of our rationalizations. It's usually the doubt we feel that we haven't quite put to rest.

So those upsets actually provide good information and self-knowledge, and you might feel much more peaceful toward this other woman if you recognize what the information is offering you. It may mean, for example, that you still have some processing/grieving to do over the loss of your dog. It may be rooted in an earlier life memory or regret. But it really is more about you than about your co-worker.

I've done a great deal of work on figuring these things out – I use a process called The Work that has been tremendously de-stressing, freeing me from my thoughts about other people's judgments. And it can actually be fun sometimes. Here's a link if you are curious. You can watch videos of other people doing The Work, and download free resources to try it yourself: http://thework.com/thework.php

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The best parents are the ones that haven't had kids yet! Makes you want to pull out your hair!!

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Karma! It will bite her!

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Smile, nod, and make a mental note to discuss the weather with her next time.

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I've had to learn to ignore people like that. I also wouldn't discuss anything personal around her.

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We just had to give our cat away due to my son's allergies. And she was miserable with two little ones running around. So I completely understand where you are coming from. She's completely clueless. Feel sorry for her instead of angry. She doesn't know what she's missing by being childless!

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Before we had kids, I was a special ed teacher and I couldn't understand how parents could forget to sign paperwork, return a phone call or work with their child on things that I had suggested to them. Boy do I know now that I was very judgemental and completely clueless about what it really took to raise a child, let alone a child with special needs. Someday when I go back to work I am pretty sure I will be a much better teacher just because I have kids now. People who don't have kids really don't understand what it takes to raise kids and how they consume your whole life. Its best not to even bring up your kids around this coworker anymore.

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Brush your shoulders off :-)

Non-moms don't "get it" & they won't until they have a family.

If people are really so sad & bored in their own lives that they feel the need to talk about mine, then I really can't be bothered with them. Chances are it's not the first time she's talked about someone, and it won't be her last. Best to not engage with people like that. She will get more satisfaction out of a confrontation then she will if you just let it lie. You are the better person. You know why you gave the dog up, and that's all that matters. Everyone else's feelings & opinions are irrelevant.

I know what you're going through. We had to give up a dog that ended up being very skiddish & jumpy & we were 100% sure it would've bitten or hurt DD at some point.

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I never talked about stuff with people like that. They are judgmental and holier-than-thou, and I couldn't stand it.

Especially at work, where everyone is supposed to be professional.

I would not discuss your homelife anywhere near her. And when she finally does become a mom, you can laugh at her when she acts surprised at how hard life is...

D.

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It most definitely IS a non-mom thing. My friends without kids don't get that my child comes first before ANY animal. Carrie's right though, I do have Mom friends who also act like this- but I think they're completely irresponsible for putting animals before the well-being of their own children (like spending bill money on pets they can't afford, for example, or forcing their kids to live in unsanitary conditions because they don't clean up after their many pets).

We can go on and on about how people are blind (and sometimes just plain stupid and irresponsible).

The truth is, this girl couldn't know what you are going through because she is not a Mom. She doesn't know what it's like to value someone far and above herself. Don't judge her too harshly, it's not really her fault.

I understand why you had to do what you did, I've been there. Priorities.

Have a great day!

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There are and always will be people who will judge you. Parent or not a parent, but who cares?

I know I do not care what others think of me. I am living my life, by making the best decisions for me and my family.

I make sure it does not hurt anyone else and try to also "do no harm.".

As long as I know this in my heart..

No one else matters..

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Hmm... a couple thoughts -

since you've found out this coworker doesn't 'get' the mom thing, try not to say any mom-related stuff to her. someday if she has children of her own, she'll understand, but that could be a long way off.

IME part of the stress in being a new parent is that feeling of being in a fishbowl where you feel everyone is judging you for what you do and don't do. But it *does* get easier over time to trust your instincts and make the decisions you know are best for your family and ignore what others say. So instead of feeling guilty, remind yourself that your family made the re-homing decision based on what was best for your family AND the dog (because the dog is better off with the friend who has more time to devote to the dog)

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given you got rid of the dog and not your child I think you are a great mom and should ignore what anyone else says. She just might not be the one to vent about your life. Some people just aren't good at listening and keeping it to themselves.

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Speaking as someone who doesn't have kids I can totally understand why you did what you did. Your children must come first and its not like you had the dog destroyed. Lots of people have to return pets to a pound or give them to someone when their circumstances change. I would totally try to ignore people like your co-worker that doesn't have a clue. You can rest in the knowledge that you know you did what was best for your family bottom line and that is something to take pride in regardless of what others think.

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We gave our high-needs Jack Russell cross to my MIL when my second was born - it was just too much for me to handle. She adores and spoils that silly little mutt and he keeps her company in the evenings as my FIL works second-shift. And we still see him all the time and bring him special toys and stuff.

The funny is that they live on a farm, so I have to reassure people (when they ask about our dog) that he's living on an *actual* farm - that it's not "code" for anything! haha

Try not to let other people's judgement of you bother you so much - just know that you did the responsible thing :o)

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Someday she will be blessed with a houseful of kids, and I hope that she has Many, many dogs. I have 4 kids, 2 dogs, a chinchilla, and a leopard gecko...... oh and a husband. I am tired all the time. I envy you for being brave and LOVINg enough to rehome your beloved dog. It is a loving and wonderful thing to do when you can admit to yourself that you simply cannot do it ALL, and I hope that someday I have the courage to admit the same thiing. Thankfully, 2 of my kids are older and DO help me with our pets. (most of the time) I do know that I will NOT allow anymore pets to come into our home now, since it has been the kids who have brought most of them home. LOL. High five Mama............. all the respect in the world to you! All I can say is someday she will get it. If not, you have to wonder if her kids will be getting the attention they deserve.

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She doesnt have a clue. Dont let her make you feel guilty. She really doesnt get it. WE understand though.

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Brush, brush and brush some more off. lol Be confident in your decisions, even the really hard ones and more on. If God grants her the grace she'll have a child and someday understand. If not, she won't. No biggie. People that don't have children (once upon a time I was one too :) have much smaller worlds and just don't "get it" sometimes. Let her judge you. There's always somebody doing that job when your a mom anyway.
C.

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You did the responsible thing! Pets are wonderful, but family, kids, and sanity comes before them!

I don't think it is a non-mom thing, though... I do recognize that there are probably some people that can't relate to being a parent, but most people seem to understand, however.

May I say that I have felt as stressful as you sound here? ...And may I also say that it doesn't have to be that way? Figure out what aspects of your life make things more hectic. For me, it was the fact that I wanted to be at home with my kids, so we found a way for me to financially do that, and I quit. You took a good step in giving your dog another home, but perhaps there's more than can change a bit so you can enjoy your life more and to help slow things down for you.

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Hi! I'm a mom and have 2 dogs that are spoiled rotten. I would never get rid of my dogs....oh, maybe if they tried to hurt the child but not ever under "normal" circumstances. They are as much a part of our life as the kids are, we go on vacations and walks together. Almost everything we do is with our dogs. I personally, can't see where you're coming from other than she judged you. I can see why that bothered you. Whatever your reasons are your reasons and that should be respected. And, YES, parenting IS the hardest job in the world!! Have a blessed day!

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Twice when we were actively searching or considering a dog, I got pregnant. We told the kids that we got a baby instead. =D I could not have a pet and young children. I haven't had a pet since I was a kid so I don't want to start now. Ignore her ignorance as hard as it is. I'm sure the other coworker was rolling her eyes at this immaturity.

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Try not to sweat it. If or when she has kids she will get it. My sister is like that too--wants kids but hasn't been able to have any yet and sometimes gets upset when I complain about my little terrors. I know a friend of mine agonized for months trying to find a new home for one of her dogs--he was just not a baby and child friendly animal. It can be a hard choice emotionally even when there is no doubt the baby comes first.

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The 2nd part is an animal lover thing

The 1st part however, with the look she gives you, gir. I can't deal with them. I was born with a big mouth lol. I had it happen a time or two (one time was my friend, who has a son, telling me how easy I have it potty training a girl not a boy lmao). My best friend was a different conversation, but the other times when it's kid-less people I'm like don't look at me like that, you have no idea how difficult it is to manage your life and another's life and basic needs and raise another human being into an awesome, well-functioning adult.
I would conclude that as a pet peeve of mine lol.

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yeah, i definitely wouldnt let an animal take precedence over a child. Sometimes the animal requires too much attention and you find yourself stretched too thin. Finding a better home for a pet is not a bad thing. I love animals as much as the next gal (i dont even eat them, which most "animal lovers" still do) but i still pick humans over my pets.

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