Guidance for a Divorce

A marriage isn't going to work unless by luck if you don't put God in it first of all. Have you both seen the movie fireproof? Watch it-it might change the way you BOTH see each other. I have been here, down this exact same road and only a few months ago. I threatened divorce time and time again and was going through the process of lining my ducks up in a row and didn't bother to hide it either. When he saw the proof such as e-mails from places I was looking to move to, to going to see a lawyer he finally woke up and realized what he was about to lose. I'm not saying things are perfect but girl you have a history with this man and you have his children. Someone has to bite the bullet and change both ends have to come together. Pride is a hard thing to swallow -especially for men! I'm not saying to stay and work things out but can you honestly sit back and say you have exhausted all measures to save this marriage? If you can -then great you can walk away without ever questioning it. Go and get the book The love dare which is inspired by the movie Fireproof.....I am living proof of what kind of changes God can make in your marriage....lke I said its not perfect but at least we are trying. We too have a history been married for 13 years together for 15. That is very difficult to just throw away when you really think about it. You fell in love and married him for a reason-try to get back to that if you can. Sometimes our true feelings get buried so much through all the resentment, bitterness, and anger. Don't you owe it to your children to try one last thing? Marriage is a partnership-you don't EVER leave your partner behind-never.

I think that he should move out for a couple of months....see how the time apart is for both of you. You may both see how you miss eachother....or how you don't. I say this because it sounds like you still love him and it is worth a shot.

Get your own lawyer NOW. I am serious. Don't be naive and don't leave the most important decision of your life up to chance.

I would not think you can tell him and the kids then continue living together as if you are just roommates. I have read several posts by women who are stuck in the same house as the spouse. Even if he is not violent, it is unhealthy in every way and it really hurts and confuses the kids even more.

DO NOT START DATING anyone else until after your divorce is finalized and you have had time to recover and get settled with your kids. You already know there are worse things than being alone. Give YOU time to find YOU and give your kids time to adjust. Do not even start having friendships with new men. Focus on your children and yourself.

Try to let the lawyers help you work out a fair settlement, support plan, and custody agreement. This is not the time to exact revenge or to finally assert yourself after 20 years. What is best for the children should guide you.

Join a divorce support group, but avoid the men like the plague. You are there to find support and encouragement, not get picked up by a man who just can't be alone. You will meet some women that you can then talk to outside of group on those low nights.

Have a preplanned response about WHY you are divorcing so you don't say something harmful to your kids. Stress you will both always love them and nothing they could do would change this. Reassure them often.

Be good with money. That is the first major stressor for most marriages.
Now you will have much less. Learn to live on less. Budget. Make do.

Take care of you because they need you:0)

I think if you don't get an attorney, you at least need a mediator. The person you divorce is never the person you married. Things have changed, feelings are hurt, and there is too much water under the bridge. A mediator can help you come up with a fair settlement on visitation, finances and all of the logistics. Dealing with all of this through a court appointed mediator will keep you both from letting your feelings help you make choices that aren't in anyone's best interest or choices where the sole purpose is to punish the person who let you down. As much as we would all like to think we wouldn't do that, or that the person we have loved a long time wouldn't do that, feelings are raw and people are rejected and sometimes we react to that.

Your state has laws about how much child support should be paid and to whom. The mediator knows all that stuff. They can also help you equitably divide debts and assets. The best visitation and drop off pick up plan is something that will work for both of you and you both need to be flexible enough to change it as the need arises.

The most important thing for you both to do is sit down and talk to your kids together. Tell them mom and dad aren't going to be married anymore but that the one thing you will ALWAYS do is be the best parents you can be. Tell them you love them that this is in NO WAY their fault. There is nothing they could have done or not done to change it, that they are perfect just as they are and you are both blessed by them and that you will always be grateful to each other because you gave each other some really great kids. You might want to discuss how is the best way to tell them with your counselor and I would strongly recommend seeking counseling for them to help them work through the feelings they will have. The 4 yr old will need help indentifying and expressing feelings as much as the 7 yr old.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

L.

Best advice I can give is to talk to a good lawyer. They will be able to give you the best advice. A good lawyer won't coach to take advantage of your husband and will guide you to make this as smooth a transition as possible. Finances - if you don't already have your own separate account I would open one. Once the motion for divorce is filed, there are most likely limitations on what you can do with the marriage assets until the decree is final. If you are seeing a counselor - they may be able to help in that many times they can become divorce counselor vs marriage counselor and help both of you navigate through the emotional aspects.

Most importantly - try to make this as amicable as possible for the kids. Sometimes that is easier said than done, but the less emotional the two of you are about it the easier it will be on the kids. NEVER put them in the middle or make them chose between making one or the other of you feel bad. This is not their choice, it is yours and they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for loving both of you.

It is not easy, but doesn't have to be horrible. Eventually the dust will settle if you let it and you will both adjust and move on. Just always keep the children's best interest in the forefront of your decisions.