17 answers

Grandparents Sleep with My Daughter

My husbands mother and step-dad lets our daughter sleep with them in their bed. She is almost 2 and they need to stop that, I have kind of not cared but have always hated it. She has a playpen and they don't even make a bed for her in it. I have mentioned it to the step-dad, but it apparently did not work. I am wondering if I should just let it go and let her sleep with them untill she is 5,10, or whatever; but I REALLY don't want to. We don't even let her sleep with her own parents, unless she is really sick and can not go to sleep, even then I put her in her own bed after a couple of hours. I know we are on the verge of letting her get into a toddler bed, and if so I will give the crib to them for her sleep in over there. What are the suggestions on telling her or bringing it up to her? By the way they have like a full or queen size, but I think it is a full size bed, definitely not a king. We have a king and she will take it over.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Well we finally remembered to ask them if she sleeps on the bed or not, and she occasionally sleeps on the bed with them or either one of them when she takes a nap. Most of the time they will sleep on the floor on a sleeping bag. OK so I freaked out a bit, but I think it is because she looked liked she was going to get squished.

Thanks for all the advice and responses,
J.

Featured Answers

My Grandma sleeps with my kiddos when they come over, she slept with me and my brother. We are ok. It kind of bothered me at first, but my kids know when they come home it is back to their bed and I think my Grandma might be scared she wont hear them if they need her.

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Hi J.,

As a grandmother I can say that my oldest granddaughter is now 5 and has slept with me when she comes to my house. (The baby sleeps in the portacrib only cause I am concerned about her rolling off the bed but once she is older I promise, she will be right up there with big sister) We snuggle in the bed, read, watch cartoons, talk, make up stories, talk about her mom growing up, paint fingernails. Honestly, I remember doing this with my nannie and pappy (grandparents on my mother's side). My dad's mother was not like that and it was never as much fun at her house unless my cousins were there to play with. My grandparents loved me unconditionally and if I wanted to sleep with them, then I slept with them. When I got older and there was not as much room in the bed, I slept on a pallet in their room. It was a time I was queen of the house and I was special. Yes it is not easy to cosleep with a child but when you are a grandma you make those sacrifices. Many nights I wake up about to be pushed off the edge of the bed or with an elbow in my kidney or a cold foot in my belly and look at her sleeping as I reclaim my territory and remember the nights her mom crawled in bed with me, we fought this same battle and it takes me back to that time and I realize just how much time has past. If I were to remarry I would definately have to rethink things at that time but since there are not any such prospects in the near future I am not concerned about that. I ask you to evaluate just how happy your daughter is with her grandparents. Is she the queen at their house? Does she show any fear there? Is this really such a big deal? There are very few children that don't get away with things at grandma's house that would never fly at home. I have a rule at my house (I still have a 10 year old at home) for grandma's house. Grandma's rules stop at grandma's doorstep. Though I certainly try to respect my daughter's way of raising her children I know I let my two granddaughter's get away with things that their mom would nail them for. As long as your daughter is safe and loved, as a mom I would not be concerned. If you have your routine in place at home and she tries something you can tell her "you can do that at Grandma's but at home we don't do that". It gives you the opportunity to show you support her relationship with her grandparents but that expect her to toe the line at home. I can't think of a better gift to give your child or her grandparents. Don't stress out unless you think something inappropriate is occuring, then take action with your husband's support.
C.

2 moms found this helpful

I've got 2 girls, one is a snuggler (the oldest), one is not (the baby). My mom has helped to care for my girls since returning to work after the birth of each. The oldest wouldn't sleep in a crib or pack-n-play, she wanted to snuggle. Might have been that she wanted the comfort of being close to grandma while away from mom. The baby wants her space.

When the husband and I have taken vacation without the kids, the baby sleeps in the crib and the oldest sleeps with Grandma/pa. As long as everyone is getting the rest that they need (while mom & dad may not sleep as well having my daughter in there with them, they'd sleep worse worrying about her wandering the house scared), then I'm okay with it.

I was much closer to my dad's parents than my mothers parents. I think it had to do with the love I felt as a child. My Dad's parents snuggled with me whenever I was there. I didn't get that with my Mom's parents. All are gone now. I loved them all, but there's a special place for the memories I have of my dad's parents.

Keep that in mind...

1 mom found this helpful

I'm probably not what you want to hear...but is it really a huge deal? My kiddos sleep with their grandparents everytime they go over their. It adds to the fun of staying at grandma and grandpas. I don't say a word and it doesn't bother me at all, although we have co-slept with our daughters up until just recently, so I may be a bit biased. I know all of my nieces and nephews sleep with them when it's their turn to spend the night. It's just an added benefit IMO. If your parent's don't mind, I would say just to leave it alone. But if it truly is a huge deal, she is your daughter and she doesn't have to go over there for all night, perhaps just a day visit. I think the bond that children have with their grandparents is so special and I encourage it everytime we are around them. Just my two cents...hopefully someone will be able to help you though. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Both of my boys fight over who gets to sleep with my mom when they spend the night with her! I think that it can be very threatening and overwhelming for a child to fall into unconsciousness.. into this sometimes dreamless void and I think that going to sleep beside someone you love is a beautiful, healthy thing. We love to sleep beside our partners/husbands and sometimes have a difficult time sleeping when they arent there... but we forget that little ones like the same comfort of hearing someone they care about breathing right beside them.
Good luck on this issue!

A. - mom to Dominic (9) and Julian (6)

1 mom found this helpful

My sons sleep with my in-laws whenever they stay the night. Just recently, my 8 year old started sleeping in my husband's old room. I've never minded but i guess that's because i'm used to them always getting into our bed. I actually liked them sleeping with their grandparents because they have a very old house and i don't trust the wiring. I figured it was safer in case something happened. What about the situation concerns you so much?

I thnk you are over reacting just a bit. this is not a huge deal. you are the parent, therfore your daughter should know what is wrong/right to do at your house. I think you would only be hurting your daughter by telling her it's wrong/bad to sleep with her grandparents. Take a step back and think it over.

My boys are 6 and 8 and my mom lets them sleep with her sometimes, its perfectly normal and I dont have a problem with it. Once you become a grandparent you will most likely do the same thing. Its all part of being a grandparent, I used to sleep with my grandparents when i went to their house as a little girl and can remember the security I got from my grandmother laying close to her. I wouldnt make a big fuss over it, its normal.

I disagree with what most of the comments are saying. I understand why you're concerned, and I would be, too. However, you're the mom. I don't think you should stand up to the grandparents and confront them (that would just cause undue animosity), but gear it a different way. Instead, don't let your daughter go over there as often, limit visitation to only special events and weekends (once or twice a month), and expect her to sleep in the bed with her grandparents. When they get the gist that you're putting your foot down about something, they'll ask you. I don't think it's so wrong for her to sleep in their bed at 2 (maybe they're both hard of hearing and have a bad sense of smell. They could be afraid that they wouldn't respond to her cry or wouldn't know if the house were burning. They could be doing it for safety reasons), and when she's older and more independent, they will probably kick her out. Grandma's house is supposed to be special, rules are supposed to be bent, and kids know that those rules still apply at home. But if visitation is limited, it will reinforce those rules at home and make Grandma's house that much more special.

Not a good idea! U r the Mom, what u say goes! It will make it harder for u to get her in her own bed at home.

My Grandma sleeps with my kiddos when they come over, she slept with me and my brother. We are ok. It kind of bothered me at first, but my kids know when they come home it is back to their bed and I think my Grandma might be scared she wont hear them if they need her.

I slept with my grandparents me and my brother would argue whose turn so I slept with grandma and my brother my grandpa. Grandparents are special and rules are fun to bent with grandparents. I agree with whoever said kids know the rules are different at home,however that may be harder to distinguish at two. If that is your only concern let it go and maybe cut back on visits till your child is able to distinguish rules are different there than at home. I dont think they should just simply ignore you they should at least be willing to discuss the matter. I would be really worried like you if the reason is the stepdad and you don't trust his motives for having your baby girl in bed with him. Sorry this sounds so blunt but if you trust the step grandpa then it should be alright.

I slept with my grandparents till I was about 10 yrs old. My family traveled ALOT and in the summer's when I stayed with Nana & Papa I loved to sleep in the middle of their king size bed. My Papa snored so loud you could hear it at the other end of the house, but it was so conforting to me. I knew I was perfectly safe. When he was dieing of colon cancer at the age of 76, I crawled into bed with him and held him as he did me. That was the last time I saw him alive. Life goes by so fast and kids grow up to quickly. I have 2 daughters, 11yrs & 6yrs. My first I wanted to get her used to sleeping alone ASAP. When my second was born, 5yrs later, I realized they arent babies nor do they like to be "cuddled" when they get older. I've taken each opportunity I can with my second daughter to cuddle or have her sleep next to me. I know she will soon be 11 and wont want Mommie's cuddles anymore. Treasure this time when they are small. You may wish you had those little arms to hold you later in life.

That would wig me out from the get go to be honest. I have never known grandparents to do that. Not saying that there arent ones who dont but I have known a lot of grandparents both through family and friends and never had I heard of them letting grandkids sleep with them.
Your best bet is to sit them both down and explain that you want her to start sleeping in her own bed when visiting them. Let them know you are going to getting her ready for a toddler bed and she will need a set routine to get use to that both at your house and theirs. You can ask them to help you get her in that routine but having her sleep in her own bed there. They can read her a story at bedtime and so on. Even get them a copy of whatever bedtime story is her favorite so they can feel more a part of the process. If they wont agree then tell them that she wont be able to stay the nigth anymore but will still visit during the day. This way they wont feel as slighted about the change. It will also show you mean what you say.

I also slept with my grandparents when I was younger...it was the fun of staying the night at their house. My son, who is two, does the same with my parents. I also have a 10 month old and I know she will be in there when she's older. My parents have a 2 story house and their room is upstairs so when they keep our kids over night they want them close so they can hear them when the wake up in the morning. When they come home, neither of the kids put up a fight about sleeping in their own beds. I think that's just one of the fun things granperents get to do, everything they never let us do growing up! However, if you feel strongly about her not sleeping with them, then by all means, voice your opinion. You are the parent!

her grand parents are responding to their natural parentla urges. i'm sure your daughter finds it comforting. i would let it go.

I have to say I agree with Leigh Anne, my son sleeps much better with grandma, I think, then he does at home sometimes. And I know it's hard, because you don't want your daughter to think she can do that at home too. I know that feeling. But honestly, I really haven't had trouble with my son. At home he sleeps in his crib with no fighting. Look at this way, no one knows how much time they have left in this world. And I am sure your husband's parents are just taking advantage of the time they do have left. But of course you also must be true to yourself and your feelings also. Don't push your feelings to the side, this is YOUR daughter.

If your uncomfortable with it then don't let this go,if you have a problem with them sleeping with your child, communicate this to them. This is your child and they have to respect what you say. The fact that they ignored you once already is wrong. Don't speak to the Step-dad, men don't care about that sort of thing usually. Talk to your mother-in-law about it if you haven't already and explain that since you do not let her sleep with you, she should sleep in her own bed when she visits them. It's very sweet that they want her to sleep with them, but I guarantee the only reason they do it is because its only for a night or two and then they will have their bed back to themselves. Ask your husband if he slept with them when he was a kid, if he did then they must like having the children close, if not then that proves my point. It is permanent for you if she develops a habit of it. Explain that children need consistency, I can understand if she gets scared sleeping by herself at your in-laws, but like you said bring the crib over there or a favorite blanket or toy. I'll bet your daughter or your in-laws don't get a good nights sleep when she stays over which makes it hard on everyone. Tell them how you feel about it and stress how important it is to you that they respect your wishes. If they ignore you again, get your husband involved and tell them they are disrespecting you both. If it happens again, there's something else going on there and I would not let her sleep over there again until they agree to do what you say. Yes, they had children once too but what matters is what you want because you are the parent this time around, and they aren't teaching your little one anything good by ignoring you. Hope everything works out for the better!

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