Getting My Daughter to Stay at the Table

I agree, when she gets up the meal is DONE.

If you don't do something NOW, you'll end up with what I faced. A SIX year old that would not stay at the table, nor eat when we ate. Which turned into a seven year old that did not eat when we ate. We finally fixed it by taking away her food when she got up, and if she was hungry later she just had to go hungry.

We tried putting the plate in the fridge and letting her have it later, but that turned into her suggesting we put the plate in the fridge and she'd "eat it later" so that was no good. The rule is when we eat, she eats. No snacks, except at snack time (3:00 in the afternoon).

With younger kids you could do the jellybean treat. Start her with 6 jellybeans. Every time she gets up she loses a jellybean. She gets to eat the jellybeans that are left after the meal. Once she stays more often, change it to you remove 2 jellybeans if she gets up (so she has 3 chances). Then move it down to you remove 3 jellybeans if she gets up (two chances) and finally you remove ALL the jeallybeans if she gets up.

The jellybeans are a good visual for her to see what she's losing, and also a fun treat when she's done eating her food. It's a good reward system :)

Doreon,

I think this is a VERY common power struggle that I have gone through and seen both my SILs go through with their kids.

For us, when you get up, you're done. Now after that there's a choice. IF they really never ate much, I cover the plate and put it in the fridge. Then when someone says they are hungry the ONLY choice is "lunch all over again". This prevents them from eating snacks all the time or choosing what foods they will eat. For me, it prevents wasting food and remaking meals. The second option, if they did kind of eat well, just not as much as I think they should have, then the next "snack" option is only healthy food - apple slices, banana, crackers and cheese, etc. NO cookies, fruit snacks or "food auction" (where they tell me what they are going to eat).

I too never wanted to make food a point of contention. But I also realize that we cannot graze all day long, allow small children to tell us what they are or aren't going to eat, continuously waste good food or let them wander during mealtime. The reality is that she is moving out of "baby phase" when we are kind of told to feed them on demand, to "toddler phase" where even preschools have "meal times" and "snack times".

I have seen too many kids who control their parents by making food an issue. Let's face it, many Americans are overweight. Are kids are most likely NOT starving. Although she may be eating less than you like, I say, when she gets up, the meal is OVER. Try this for a week or so (be prepared for sobs and her being upset), but she'll "get it". I can't believe how many 5 year olds I hear that will ONLY eat chicken nuggets, PB&J, or McDonalds. Let's be real. WE are the parents.

Be a role model for healthy eating and "house rules" as to what is acceptable behavior. Make sure YOU don't turn food into a fight. Taking away her plate after she leaves the table IS NOT a punishment, it's HER CHOICE. If she says 10 mins later "I'm hungry", give her ice water and tell her she needs to wait until snack time, dinner time, whatever is next. Tell her SHE DECIDED to leave the table and when her lunch was over. Don't let her wander with food. The kitchen table is where food is served. I'd kind of stick with the same "rules" for your baby too. Sit in the kitchen when you feed him, unless it's a bottle. If she asks why the rule is different, tell her that he's still a baby and when he eats big people food, it IS at the kitchen table.

I sincerely believe this is an innocent, but very real struggle many of us go through. Decide how to handle it and stick to your guns. YOU are the parent. Don't let whining manipulate you or your decisions.

I hope this is helpful without sounding like I'm on a soapbox. I really think that at 4 it is very reasonable to expect her to ONLY eat meals at the kitchen table.

Good luck!

Sara

Just a few thoughts:

Always make dinner time - family time. Ask about "her day". Make sure she gets in the habit of asking about how dad's day and mom's day went. Ask questions, "what is the best thing that happened today???" Get her in the habit of not making it "all about her". Emphasize the importance of being at the "family table". If she is done eating (and she is DONE when she has significantly slowed down), remove her plate. Do not offer snacks between meals, unless they are "scheduled snacks" (i.e. we have a 3:00 o'clock snack in the afternoon and usually everyone has ice cream about an hour after dinner). if she is home during the day and has an early breakfast, then you may want to consider a small snack between bkft. and lunch (i.e. little fruit, yogurt, etc.... ). When my children would finish lunch or dinner at that age, they would "ask to be excused"... get her in the habit of enforcing good manners. When someone gets up from the table they should say "excuse me" and, as the mom, make sure you are not guilty of chronically jumping up from the table, once dinner starts, or your little ones will have the same habit. (YES... easier said than done but she's watching your every move!) DON'T ALLOW GRAZING!! If they leave the table a couple of times, hungry, they will eventually learn.

Really try and do your best to teach her to eat "what's on the menu", otherwise you are doing an incredible more amount of preparing. I have friends who make several dishes for their families because "this one won't eat this... etc" In my family, we eat what is served. Everyone has to "try" everything but there is still a sufficient amount of food if someone doesn't like an item - they can have extra salad, veggies,extra piece of bread, etc...

You can set a timer so that she doesn't dawdle, giving her sufficient time to eat.

And last... we used to play the "penny game". We made up this game and played it, usually when Dad was out of town. (I've, since, seen versions of this, in magazine articles.). Each person has 5 pennies. The person who wins all the pennies at the end of the game, wins. You "win" a person's penny by catching them doing something "unmannerly" at the dinner table (i.e. no 'please & thank you's, talking with food in mouth, speaking loudly, no 'excuse me' when burping, leaving the table or other... etc... ) You don't want to play this EVERY NIGHT because you will get tired of playing it. As the kids got older, I had to add some bad habits so that they would catch me. (i.e. Shouting "I get YOUR PENNY!!!!" is bad manners so I would get theirs!) However, to encourage playing - "they must continue to eat or game ends".

It's a process - the biggest thing that you DON'T ever want to do is to make the dinnertime a battleground. You will want your children to eat with you for years to come. I have teen and a tween and we still have dinner, as a family, at least 5 days out of 7. It's challenging with all the extracurricular activities but it is a priority. (I can sincerely say it's not my great culinary skills either - Dad's a much better cook than I am but he cooks on the weekends!)

Good luck.

It's probably not the best thing, but I got the booster seat with the strap back out. I would strap my son in and he didn't like it, he wants to be a "big boy". So I tell him that if he gets up, the seat comes back. I have done the "If you get up, that means you're done" thing too. Doesnt' work. He would just say, "Okay" and walk away. Then at bed time, "I'm hungry". And I feel bad putting my baby to bed hungry, so he'd get food. But strapping him in worked well. Good Luck!

I am curious about how to handle this, too! My son is 2.5 and doing the same thing. Currently we say that he's done as soon as he leaves his seat. He quickly says that he's done, and we put his plate/bowl in the refrigerator. He's hungry an hour later, and we bring his food back out of the fridge. It's starting to improve the behavior somewhat. We have a ways to go. Looking forward to other responses!