Getting Involved with Ex-brother in Law Custody Battle with My Sister

Hi MC,

That is a lot to follow but my gut reaction is stay neutral because those children desperately need a neutral party. They deserve someone to remove themselves from the drama and be an island of sanity. They need to know NOW and many years from now that their love-ability is not contingent upon who's side they felt they picked and they will feel this pressure. Your ability to stay mature, focused on the children only is all they have because their parents cannot.

I would not write a letter on his behalf but write a letter to the COURT about your love and devotion to these children and your hope that the parents can obtain counseling so that they can step up in their respective roles and stop arguing..

You will take heat no matter what, expect it and even expect the kids to maybe feel compelled to neglect you now but your presence and honesty will surpass all of this.

Do what is best for your nephew. If you believe in your heart that is father is a good man, a good father, then write a letter supporting him. It appears your family is angry with you to begin with, and even though this may add fuel to the fire with them, what is more important is the child. Don't worry about your family--if they choose to believe her lies so be it. Your husband has a family that can be your family's support group. Good luck

its all about the boy.. sounds like he may need someone on his side, and maybe it can be you. eventually he will see through her game and may want some support. be there for him now and later.

I don't really understand all the issues, but: If you feel that it is the right thing to do for your nephew, then you should do the right thing. His best interest is the only thing that matters. Sounds like it is war already anyway.

Dear MC L,

Nothing easy about this one.....I’m sorry you have to be out of touch with your family, I know it can be painful especially when you love people in spite of how they behave.

I would not write a letter on behalf of your brother-in-law unless your feel your nephew is in danger. You said you had been out of touch with him for years and then suddenly you get an invitation to his home?? With the bitterness going on between your sister and her former husband, you don’t need to be in the middle of that mess. You would just be a tool for him to antagonize your sister further.

I hope you have a good husband and support system and eventually, if the situation becomes healthy can be in touch with your family. In the meantime, you could send cards and letters and let them know you love them. That might help relieve some of your stress and hurt.

Blessings……

Hi MC L,

I think you are absolutely right with regards to one thing, and that's when you said you decided to focus on your own family.

Your ex B-I-L should NOT be included in that focus, though. His new "family" is NOT your family, no matter how close you and he were at one time. Nuturing that relationship will only cause you more diffculties, and that is a fact.

After reading your posting, I began to think that if your family really KNEW that your sister has mental issue's then they wouldn't be so terribly upset with you for all you've tried to do for her to help her in the past. This leads me to believe that your situation is much more confusing than you are able to post.

Of course you want to protect your nephew, any good Auntie would want the best for him. In my opinion, the best thing you can do for him is to keep your distance from his mom, yet send him Cards (or something little) for appropriate reasons to let him know that you are always thinking of him. This way, when all of this hopefully blows over, the relationship between you and he can pick up where it left off. You cannot control what his mom tells him to do, or how to behave with you, but you can always be loving and positive with him, so he will know the truth in his heart.

You really need to distance yourself from your ex B-I-L and his family. Let him figure out how to handle his own life. There are TONS of resources out there for him to get informed on what to do. It's not your job to help him.

Leave it all alone, pray for healing, and focus on your own family for now. This will be the best thing for you and your family and THAT is your only job and obligation.

Blessings,

~N. :o)

Wow, very complicated. Writing a letter on your ex-brother in laws behalf sounds like the wrong thing to do from a diplomatic standpoint. To really help him, perhaps you could find him a social service that will assist him by writing a letter on his behalf. Help him get the resources to help himself. It sounds like a veritable grenade to write a letter for him.

Hi MC L,
I actually disagree with other advisors statements that you shouldn't write the letter. If there are mental health issues with your sister, then your nephew is at risk for being affected by them. Even if it's not an abusive or neglectful situation for him to be with his mom... still, a spuratic, unstable personality, who is demonstrating inappropriate behavior towards other people (constantly pursuing and tormenting her ex), is not a good role model for him. If you family is allowing you to distance yourselves from them also, then I'm guessing that there are also some sort of issues with the remainder of your family as well, which is understandable not to get into here because it really does sound immensly complicated.
Instead of writing a letter, why not ask your brother in law to give you the name and phone number of whatever mediator the court assigns in this custody hearing, and tell him you will "consider" speaking to the mediator anonymously. Of course, I would advise you to call the mediator, share your concerns, and who knows, maybe your sister will be ordered by the courts to receive some sort of mental health and parenting counseling, that it sounds like she really needs.
On the other hand, by only committing to "consider" calling on your brother in law's behalf, you can defend yourself from any attacks that may arise from your sister or any other member of your family by denying ever making a call.
Be clear with the mediator that you speak to that it is a very complicated family matter, that you and your family's relationship with the rest of the extended family is at risk as a result of sharing your concerns with her/him, and that you want their assurance that anything you discuss with them is in complete confidentiality.
At least this provides another alternative to consider rather than "don't send the letter."
For your consideration alone. This is a huge decision you have to make. Search your heart well. Pray for guidance. Good luck.

I think you need to call Dr. Laura!

I wouls support the child ahead of any adult. Whatever benifits the child.

Hello MCL: Sounds like you were invited to the party for just this question. Having been apart of a sistuation like this with my family. I took the side of the children. Gave only the information that I had to that pertained to the facts and not a single word of personal preferances. I have called CPS, on one family and they did come and investigate. You can go through the child's school (even if its preschool, and you don't have to give them your name only the information,they don't want the personalities or the drama.
You have the responsibility for your own familyand to their well being. You can as the Aunt, even if there is no response send cards, postcards with simple words to let them know that you still care. That way when the times come the child will be able to reach you and know that you are there for him. Sounds like the father has moved on and the x-wife resents it. Life is not a soap opera! Keep all of them in your thoughts and prayers but your family must come first. Good Luck, Nana G

MC L,
I would write the letter, as your sister does not play fair and you need to do what is best for your nephew despite your sisters needs. Question: can you get in contact with your relatives to see if they think she has a problem also? You could also explain in the letter that you are doing this for your nephew and no one else.
Good luck
W. M.

WOW!! You are really in a tough position. My opinion as that you need to do what is best for the CHILD. If your sister does indeed have mental issues, then that could be dangerous for the child! It is also not healthy for the child for her to be using him against the ex and you. I really think that you need to base your decision of what to do on what you think is best for the child. If you think that supervised visitation is needed then you need to express that wether he gets mad or not - if not you need to express that wether your sister gets mad or not. Sounds like your sister needs to have supervised visitation to me! LOL - I wish you good luck, and also suggest that you pray about the situation before you make your decision! Unfortunately this is a decision that only you can make!

Honestly, I'd write a letter on your nephew's behalf to the court so that they can deal with the parents bickering. Stay out of it otherwise. you've said you weren't in contact so you can't be sure about either parent. But if the courts are aware of the constant and continued fight these two have had going on then they'll be in a better position to make a determination about what is best for the child.

In the letter stick to the FACTS you know, no opinions or speculations. Just what you know for a fact has happened.

This sounds like an example of I don't want you but I don't want you with anyone else either. Since you have been out of the picture you can't be sure if she had good reason to request supervised visitations. They are generally good at seeing through the nastiness of divorced parents. I would not write a letter but would go to court to hear for yourself the reasons for the request. If kit seems to be a good reason say nothing if not then his attorney could know you may be on standby. This will make any chance of your family reconciling with you impossible. If she has diagnosed mental issues her ex should pursue that avenue.