Full Custody Help

Unfortunately, so many of us go through the same thing. I have to say that calling a lawyer is the first thing you need to do. He may give you some specific things you need to provide.

You said that your ex is on SSI for his mental issues? That should be a good start for you. Also, its VERY IMPORTANT that you keep a log book of EVERYTHING that goes on with your daughter and your ex. Write the dates and times that you talk to him and exactly what is said. Write down his responses and your daughters. When he is supposed to take her and he doesnt even call... Write it down. Its way too hard to keep everything in your mental roladex. Keep record of how much time is spent with you versus her father and her reaction of not wanting to go.

Getting HIS relatives to testify on yours and your daughters behalf could also be very helpful. Especially about the "being in the hospital" incident. You may even be able to call the hospital an see if they have record of him being admitted on those dates.

There are so many nooks and crannies when it comes to getting full custody of children. I hope everything works in your favor. Good Luck to you and your family... God Bless

Hi Kristen,
I have a friend that was in a similar situation, and now that she has had her 3rd child she told the baby's father the same thing (since the two of them are not together anymore). What she has said and the courts have not said otherwise, is that "if you are going to be in her life it is for good. You are not going to come around when it is convient for you." She has no problem with the father as long as he shows up regularly and on time. If he says he will be there Friday at 5pm and he shows up Friday at 7pm she does not let him take her. When my sister went through her divorce it was stated that every other weekend and shared holidays. Every other Friday, I go with my sister to pick up my neice and we bring her home on Sundays. When it is the weekend for my ex-brother in law to have the kids, he has to come and pick them up on Friday. It is set up that 7pm is the pick up and drop off of the kids. When visitation is not consisitant it will be our daughter who will be hurt the most. The ex either needs to be in her life or step out of it for good. The popping in and out is too confusing not just for your daughter but her sibling(s) as well. The courts still have not said anything to my friend about what she told her daughters father they have accepting it. Hopefully or soon to be stepfather doesnt mind saying he has 2 girls, by the sounds of it and how things are going, he is/will be more of a father to your daughter then your ex ever was or will be.

Unfortunately it is sad that you had to go through the courts. It is hard to say what you need to prove your case but if the sister wants to testify on your behalf then try for that. In the meantime all you can do is talk to him and say "yeah the courts said you need to take her on so and so and at which time" but this will only make it worse. The only thing you can do is just sit down with him one on one and tell him that since hes too busy to take her when hes appointed to and that it affects her, ask him to take her one day a week for only the day. That will make his excuses seem irresponsible considering its only 1 day a week and for just the day. That way there if he tries to take you to court for messing the schedule up then you can say "well you never come to get her when you are supposed to and its affecting her" or if he accepts the 1 day a week then when she gets old enough for the courts to question her then you can change the order. Depending on how hostile the environment is Id say go for full custody if hes unstable. But if he really cared for his daughter hed at least make the effort without the courts to take her 1 day without making excuses.

i totally hear ya!. my son is now four. his father and i where young when i got pregnant i was 18 he was a couple months younger we were both 19 by the time he was born.. he was in and out and in and out.. he was in in the very begining right around the time of talking age. so he retained that he was DaDa but now he calls him DaDa mike. and he's four. I met my husband in jan2005. we got engaged a couple of months later. and by the time he had moved in in may 1st. zachary was getting very very close to him. he decided to start calling him daddy dave after getting so close.. nobody prompted him to do this he did it completly on his own at 2 1/2 . after a monht of that he just droped the dave part of and has been calling him Daddy ever since. His bio logical father saw him once last year. so we have decided we are also going to go to court.. now i can tell you how my state decides things.
mass. you can not deny visitation unless it's court ordered. they only way you can have your finace' adopt him would be if you where married. and then her father would have to give up his rights willingly so that he could adopt her.. or.... you could go for abandonment. but it would have to be after six months of no contact.(the part that is holding us up.. i have to find out if it's six months of no visitation. or six months of no verbal communication.. cause i get and email every once in a while.

what you can do to protect her if you think the wacky visitation schedule is messing with her. is keep track for a couple of months. of all the times he's late. bringing or picking her up. or doesn't come at all especially without a call. (because let's face it even if he was in the hospital and it sounds like he wasn't. hospitals have phones! and even more he could have called you as soon as he was out. if a woman can call her husband in the middle of labor to tell him to get his but to the hospital cause their having a baby.. he can call with pneumonia .. silly men think they can get away with lies.) take that list of visitation (also keep the list of the time's he does show up on time so they can see the relationship between how often. take it to the court and go for a visitation revisal tell them the way your daughter acts in relationship to going to see him, also don't warn her that he's comming unless you KNOW FOR SURE because that gives her time to build it up in her head. and he may not even show up.
my son was turning four this past august and we set a party up at the zoo. mike was suposed to come.. i got a call at 11:30 saying he wasn't comming because there was something wrong with the car.. when it was perfectly fine the day before to make the trip to my house (an hour from him) i said well that's really great (didn't want to start a fight) because i can't even come get you know it's too late (the party was at 1:00) you could have called earlier i would have come to get you.. ( i knew how much zach was looking forward to seeing him)and he let him down big time.. he knew he was being lied to because he saw that car work the day before. it was really sad. but zach still enjoyed the day.. and mike hasn't seen him sense.. hasn't asked to see him nothing. custody can be a real pain in the !ss

I am in somewhat of the same situation as you are, and we have already seen 2 different lawyers to get 2 different opinions. First of all, they will tell you that the easiest thing for you to do is try and talk to the father and see if he will be willing to forfeit his rights without making it a big court battle. In other words try and manipulate him to do the right thing, try and make it all about your ex....."I know you really dont have time and I know you dont have the money, I know you are trying to help yourself...bla, bla, bla.... If he does not agree to give you the rights without a fight, then you will have to file papers with your lawyer. I have been keeping notes of everything that has happened since the birth of my son, and hoping that someday they might be of some use if we do have to go about getting custody the hard way. I think you should probably do the same, just keep a notebook of everything that happens or doesnt happen. Please let me know how it goes and if you get a lawyer ..what they say....We too are in the early stages of this and maybe you can give some advice to me as well. Hope this may help you a little bit. Take care and good luck..Hang in there, I know it isnt easy!

You will need witness statements from your mother (whom your ex arranged to have take the baby during his time) and anyone else who has witnessed this. It is legal in the state of ME and other states to tape phone conversations (w/o telling the other party) and very helpful in court so i suggest you start doing it for court (taping your ex that is). In cases of custody of children under a certain age the courts will also most likely appoint a guardan at liadiam to evaluate the child and stituation and state where they believe would be better off for the child.

I have been in your situation. My 8 year old has a different father and he fought with me too about seeing him. I tried to do the same thing but was told I had to prove that he was unfit. He has driven drunk with him, and he does drugs, and even though he does that they said I still have to prove it. My heart goes out to you because it is a hard thing to deal with. I would suggest asking a lawyer, it shouldn't cost you anything to ask. That is what I did, and I also asked the police department. The funny thing about asking the police, even though I told them what he does, they even told me there was nothing I could do unless I proved it. I will be thinking about you, and please let us know what happens. If you ever want to talk about this, I will be here. I understand.

I have been in your situation. I have 3 Daughter's and
me and my ex split up and went to court, I got custody of my girls and he got visits....When He got with someone new, He tried to fight to get custody of them and then when it came to that day, He wanted to go for coffee and talk about it instead, I told him NO because I knew that I could get them, He would take the kids when he felt like it and put them in danger, he would bring them to a park where him and a bunch of other adults would drink and then ask a friend of his to drive them home ( his friend was drinking too)He did other things too..It wasn't very easy to prove, but, IF you fight long enough...they Listen to the moms... I got Full custody of My girls.
Do Anything and Everything to prove that your ex doesn't take your daughter and when he does....He doesn't really seem to want to keep her with him. Friends and Family must see what his does or doesn't do for Her.
Besides...Little Girls Need thier Mommies....Fight,Fight, Fight...... I bet it work's out the way You want it too

K. from Beverly

If you ever want to talk about this, I will be here. I understand.

Hi, I read both of your posts. I think your argument to the judge would be that your ex is not mentally stable enough to take her, and that you fear for her safety when he does have her. If your ex is so mentally disabled not to work, why in the world would any one allow him to be alone for long periods of time w/ a child. I have to admit that I am very controlling over my own daughter, and what I think is best for her goes. My husband is a wonderful man, and a great father, but he knows that I will do anything and everything to raise my daughter to the best possible way. I think you need to stand up and tell your lawyer that you need full custody, and that if her father wants to visit her that is fine, but no more w/ends at his place or overnight visits. Does he pay child support? Does he have a drinking or drug problem? If I was you I would really fight this. As for the mental issues with your daughter, I understand the doctors saying she is fine, unless she is showing signs of a problem then their is nothing they can do. Plus I do not think it would show up this early. Don't worry too much about that, your daughter has a small risk of becoming mentally ill like her father, and the best prevention is to keep her life as stable as possible. I think most families have some sort of mental illness in them, and it is def. a risk for all children, just love her as much as possible and make her know how much she is loved, and thats all you can do. My husbands mother is mentally ill, she is just absolutely crazy, she takes all sorts of px meds. My husband is completely fine. He is so oppisite of her. I refuse to allow her around my daughter. She only sees her on major holidays, and I may even stop that. I know it sounds mean, but I was raised in such a loving healthy family, and I want the same for my daughter. I know this may sound horrible, but I truelly feel that I carried my daughter for nine months, and went through 48 hrs of labor then a c-section, my bond with my daughter is untouchable, I feel like I have the right to make this decission. My husband does agree. But hang in there, and speak to an attorney asap!! I hope it all works out, and let us know what you decide!!!

Hey K.,

We had pretty much the same thing when our children were younger except it was the mother in this case...We went to the courts and they did give us full custody of the children...What we did was went back a far as we could remember wrote down everything when she didn't want the children,show up late,drop off early..We even wrote when the children were with her crying wanted to come home..If you are close to your ex-sister-n-law you might want to ask her to write down that he was not sick that day, or even in different time frames that she can remember..Ask your mom to do thie same just keep in mind that they need to stick to the facts not adding their opinions..When you get this done please make sure that you have all paper work notarized by a notary public even if you pay for it..even have your paper done.. Then when you have all that done..Go to the courts to have your "divorce degree amended" Oh and make sure that you put in that your daughter doesn't want to be with him that is very important for the judge...Also put in all the time that you had offered to drop her off and pick her up that also will prove that you have made every atempt to make his visits work.. I hope this helps you in your case..Good Luck
S. :)

Hi Kristen,

First of all this has nothing whatsoever to do with your fiance. He may be a great role model, but this is absolutely not his decision. He was not there when the child was born, he's not the child's father, and he never will be. I'm a strong believer in not taking the child's parents away from them, it will only mess them up more in the long run.

Second of all, my friend just went though this same exact thing you are going through. She knew that her son also needed his dad in his life, so she pretty took him to court to make him see the child. The father had another child, and the visits with the first child got lesser and lesser. She took him back to court for another mediation and told the judge what was going on. The judge mandated that the father be on a probationary period for a year, where he would do all of his scheduled visits.

I really think you need to push for your child to be a part of the father's life. However, you got out of that relationship for a reason, and the reason was not to keep fighting about your child. You should not have to argue everytime a visit is coming, or everytime you pick up the phone. You need to make it perfectly clear with him that it is not acceptable. Drop off and pick up ONLY, no arguing. Also tell him that when he calls your house, it is not to socialize with you, it is to talk to his child, who the phone should be immediatly passed to.
My friend also obtained a free lawyer through pine tree legal to assist her in all of this, and she won...her son now goes with his dad every other weekend, and her son couldn't be happier. It's all about the kids..not about you and how you feel. Deffinatly NOT about how your fiance feels.