Getting Hubby to Help with Chores - Follow Up!

S.,

I hope you know that when he says that you do the chores better than he does, that he is lying! It is just an exucse for him to get out of it. If he doesn't start doing half of the chores very soon, I think you should divorce him and find a nice man who respects women and has no issues at all about helping you with the chores. This would be a dealbreaker for me. You deserve so much better, so go out and get it (if he doesn't change within a couple of months)!

Hi S.,
The post you made last night had a ring of humor to them. This one does not. This one sounds defeated and regretful as if you wish you hadn't complained about it in the first place.

Fact still remains you are unhappy carrying the (literally) motherload of chores.

Fact remains your husband still wants it both ways, and housewife and said housewife's paycheck.

Fact remains you have gone to him for help, and he has refused, siting his idea that you don't actually NEED help, since you do things best, and hey, if you don't feel like doing them, DON'T. Least that seems to be his take.

So, now, you know what your choices are, I'm assuming you'll choose to just do it yourself and harbor resentment that he refuses to help, right?

I can tell by your posts and responses that you are a generous person, but with a lot of self respect, so as this scenario cannot have a peaceful ending for you and your husband, sigh.

sigh (did I already say that too?)

:(

It doesn't matter who is 'better' at a chore than the other.

THE POINT IS: HE is a PART of the household TOO. HE is a Husband and Dad TOO. THUS, he is not "exempt" from the DAILY household/child upkeep.
Unless, he wants to be a Squatter, and be a child too. Even children, do chores. HE is not, thus, exempt from it.
HE has to be an 'example' for his kids TOO. THAT is the RESPONSIBILITY of a Man. A Dad. A Husband.
ANYONE who has a 'family' and lives in the same house, and eats, pees, poops, has to help in the home and with the kids.

Chores and upkeep in a home, does NOT end.
That is called, "Responsibility" and looking out for your family.

TELL him that.
Show him this.

His excuses to you, are cop-outs.

He is not a baby.
He is an adult.
He has a Wife and kids.
He has a family.
He... LIVES in the house too, and created this family.
HE... thus, is NOT exempt. From the daily responsibilities of it.
NOR in helping the kids with whatever needs and requirements there are. Including, helping them with homework or giving the kids baths etc.

It does NOT matter, if the Wife works or not.
The Husband/Dad... is STILL a part of the home and family.
So HE has responsibilities too. IN the home and IN the family.
It is not something you do, according to whim or incentive. You just do it.
It is life.

All the best,
Susan

Then it's up to you to make a decision. What is your role and what are you going to do. I am not the servant to my household. I am very comfortable not fixing my husband anything for dinner if he doesn't wash the dishes. If he's in a bad mood and it gets you doing everything then why should he change his way of getting out of things.

I don't have a problem leaving his stuff undone. He eventually gets the idea and does his chores. It's just like the kids. They have consequences that are logical. If I have to go in to the 7yr. old girls room and walk on her Barbies to get to her closet to hang up the laundry, oh well, those Barbies that got broken due to being walked on just had to be thrown away. Also just about everything has a natural consequence if you just think about it.

Don't keep your shoes on in the car, feet get really cold walking barefoot on the snow.

Don't pick up toys, toys get broken when walked on and are thrown away.

Dishes not done, no dishes for dinner to be cooked in or to be served on.

Trash not taken out, trash piles up around the trash can and stinks.

There are lots of things that can be done to serve the purpose of getting him to comply but if you are always going to give in and "rescue" him from any work then he is never going to do anything. Obviously he knows he doesn't have to do anything. In children it's called Oppositional Defiant in adults it's called Passive Aggressive.

I also told my husband he has certain chores that I don't want to do and that it's up to him how he gets them done. Either he can do them or hire someone. I don't care, I am just not doing them anymore and then I don't.I don't mind doing a lot of things but there are just some things that I am tired of doing and require someone else to do them. My husband helps out a lot now that he's retired. There are some things that he won't do too. again, if neither of us are going to do the same chore then we have to decide how that chore is going to be accomplished. If we both say no then hiring someone is the only option.

Ok, look. He's not going to help, this much we've established, right? My husband is that way too. Forget the cleaning service, and just get a self-employed cleaning lady - ask all your neighbors who they use, ask at the gym, ask at work, wherever. SOMEone will have a cleaning lady they love. Have her come in every other week and do the heavy cleaning - mopping, cleaning toilets, etc. That's the only way you're going to get out from under doing it all yourself and feeling resentful toward your husband because he won't do it. Clearly he was raised by a mama who stayed home and catered to him - my husband was too - and once that behavior is learned, there's no teaching him any other way. You can't control him, you can only control yourself. If you don't want to do all the cleaning, get someone in who will do it for you. It is what it is. I have a lady and her 3 sisters who come in like a whirlwind once a week. It takes them an hour and when they're done, my house sparkles. I don't have to hate my husband for not helping, and I have my weekends back. Problem solved!

Sounds like us but I don't work outside the home. I do homeschool 4 kids, have a baby and teach ballet in my home so I definately keep busy. Do what you can with a cheerful attitude. You can't make him do anything but you can share your feelings which it sounds like you did that. Share how you feel then let it go. Don't get mad or irritated with him (as hard as that may be.) Do your part and let the rest go. Don't run yourself into the ground trying to keep up but have the kids do their part, you do what you can and be really thankful when he does do something to help out. That's what I try to do. Good luck and hang in there!

It all sounds so similar to my household. I recently had surgery, so Dad is kicking in with all the laundry, shopping, lunches, showers, bedtime, all of it, as I lay on the couch and watch.

Prior to this, I did change my diet to salad and perhaps a piece of chicken and he won't eat that. That is what I ate before I met him. When he asked what he is suppose to eat, I just tell him, "I don't know". I was doing that for months so he quit asking and learned to get his own and not ask. He was a bit grumpy faced at first, but just like kids, they get over it.

I hope things get better for you.

I'm sorry you're in that position. It sounds like your hubby is just set in his ways and doesn't want to be told what to do.

So you've established that. What to do now except get a divorce??

I suggest looking into flylady.com. She has some great tips on how to cut down on your weekly cleaning. Like her daily swish n swipe of the bathroom. It takes a minute and it means the bathroom is always clean.

She's also big on decluttering. Less clutter makes a house easier to clean.

No, I don't agree with what your husband is doing and I don't think he's right! But you can't MAKE a person do something he doesn't want to do, and trying to force him into it is going to cause a fight!

When it comes to cooking, use your crockpot (or buy a crockpot). I know I don't feel like cooking when I get home from work so it's nice to walk into the house and smell that dinner is ready to go! Plus cleaning one crockpot is easier than a bunch of pans.

My advice--just do the best you can. And as much as it tastes bad, compliment your husband on everything he does to help. He's like a child, and children respond well to compliments too!

I often agree that a woman's work is never done. Your husband may have issues from his childhood. I know my dad REFUSES to put his clothes in the hamper even thought it's 3 feet away from where he drops his dirty clothes. It's because of his mother. My mom has just accepted that. *sigh* Men are weird, eh?

Don't try to be Superwoman. Also, you could try telling your husband small things to help you out with. For example, you could say "could you throw the wash in while I put Junior to bed, I'd really appreciate it." He may just need guidance.

If you want harmony in your home, then you have to be SMARTER than your husband and MANAGE him :) Like in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. She says "the husband is the head of the house, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants!"

Good Luck!

Your husband is who he is b/c of the last 30+ years of "living"- he's not going to change overnight. If you have always done the cooking and cleaning and this is the first time he's hearing of an issue, he's not going to change his behaviors without time, reinforcement and more reinforcement.

I would never go "on strike"... it simply doesn't work and results in a huge argument which is not a good ending. You have your list and stick to it. If he does something extra, make a big deal out of it. In a month or so, revisit your "list" and move ONE item to "his".

My husband now does all of the grocery shopping. This started a few months ago when the weather turned and for scheduling reasons, shopping needed to happen on Sunday afternoons... during naptime. My husband offered to do it once and while it took twice as long, I didn't have to do it! While he was out, all laundry was put away, things got filed and ironed. I also paid bills, etc. Needless to say, when he got home I made a point of thanking him for doing it and mentioning all the things I got done during that time! Same thing the next weekend... the next... now he's taken it on b/c he is realizing that more gets done if we both work on it.

Beautiful S.,

First, you are great mother & wife. Working, being a "good" wife & mommy is hard enough. Not to mention the laundry list of household chores. There seems to be several things going on. First, he probably does not appreciate you the way he should & the way you need to be. A women is always willing to do a little more if the husband & kids show gratitude.

He is feeling like maybe you are always nagging him, you are also unappreciative or ungrateful. The best solution is to give him a lot of praise for his role even though he may not deserve it. In resturn, he will start doing the same with you. There is lack of communication. It's hard enough to understand men & most men are clueless when it comes to women. They simply just do not understand us.

I agree, I do not think that going on strike with help, but having structure will. Writing everything down is a start. Maybe pick a certain time or day that y'all can cook & clean together. Make it a family thing. Also, it has a lot to do with how you tell him too. Do you ask nicely or do you demand? I highly reccoment ready the book called boundaries. I love it. When I struggle with certain issues I usually to awesome books for guidence. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d....

My husband & I have 3 companies, 3 boys, work together 365, etc. I would go crazy if I had to do everything alone. Girl, I have to put my foot down in my household. Everyone has chores & responsibilities. I'm all about being an equal to my husband. It not only comes down to communication, but how you communicate it. I think that book would really help you.

Also, instead of a cleaning crew hire a cleaning person. I have one that comes to my home 2x a month for 3 hrs each time. I pay her by the hr (15hr). I give her 60 everytime she comes & she knocks out all the detail cleaning. My home is 3500 sq feet and she can do it all in that time. She is by far the cheapest route to go to get some extra help. You can play an add on CL. I'm sure you can find many people interested in it. I hope this helps!

A.
www.princesslashes.com

Tell him that practice makes perfect. :D

Actually, I would ask him to help out with the kids more. For example, my husband was completely in charge of baths for the kids and bedtime (brush teeth, read story, sing a song, lights out). He was afraid to do those things when he first started. I didn't criticize, just praised him for a job well done (whether it was or not). Now that the kids are older, he still puts the younger two to bed with a song (they read on their own). He is the #1 go to person for homework. I don't mind doing the dishes while he has to deal with homework hassles.

Good luck!

Then say "Sure honey - I'll be your 1950's wife... but I'm quitting my job and you are giving me a spending account for just me and another one for the kids. What's left over you use for bills." :op

I'm so sorry your husband is such a frigging jerk and chauvinist - - but at least he's not cheating on you... I guess that counts for something!