My girlfriend suggested making a list of chores and then dividing those between hubby and I to help give me some relief. I currently do about 90% of the household chores in addition to working 50 hours per week and taking care of 3 kids, including a newborn whom I am nursing. So, I would love some help from him! Any suggestions for motivating him? I have tried the "list" idea before but he was not interested. Suggestions?? How do you get your significant other to help? I am so tired! =)
Let me be clear - asking my hubby nicely for help doesn't really work - if it did, I wouldn't be writing this! All he will do is respond "oh the kids don't need a bath tonight, do it tomorrow night, or, the garbage can wait till tomorrow, (tomorrow never happening). Or my favorite, "hunny you are just so much better at it, you do it". Then what happens is I have to end up doing the things because he said they don't need done or that he "will get to it" - which never happens =( He says that I "need" things done more than he needs them done, so he refuses to do them. For example, he thinks it is perfectly OK to go months without cleaning the bathroom. So if I ask for help doing so once a month, he refuses.
.....
Get an estimate from a cleaning lady, then ask him which one he would rather do...pay it, or help you, becaue you are tired, and it does not matter if he thinks that the house does not need to be cleaned, you do, and he should care about what you think, just as much as you should care about what he thinks.
M.
How 'bout just ask him?
Hey babe? Before you take your shoes off can you bring that kitchen garbage out?
Hon? On the next commercial, can you take the dogs out/bring the laundry basket upstairs/load the dishwasher?
I hate to ask, but I've got to nurse the baby, can you give X a bath real quick/sweep up that mess in the family room?
Thank you SO much babe, don't know WHAT I'd do without you!
(One note, do not expect anything to be done to your own specifications, ever)
:)
Added** Well then, if asking nicely doesn't work, then I guess more DRASTIC measures ARE required as others have suggested. I guess you're gonna have to put your foot down then, yuck.
The most effective 'Drastic Measure' I can think of is to withhold sex. Of course this only works if you're actually HAVING sex, sigh. And I'd imagine you do not feel very loved/sexy after a day like the ones you describe here.
Yikes ~ you are a busy lady!! You need him to help!
Mine loves/lives by a list, seriously!! He "forgets" a lot and likes to have a list of projects that need to be done. Keeps me from having to keep asking and sounding like a nag. We make the list together. The list isn't for every day stuff but bigger projects.
I have also found that if I specifically want something done I have to say "Hey hon, would you mind vacuuming today?" vs. "could you clean up?" With my hubby I have to be very specific when asking him to help out otherwise he will just p/u stuff but not clean.
Talk to him. Tell him you are exhausted and ask him to help. My hubby is more likely to help me when I ask then if I get pissy.
How about going on strike? Give him a heads up that if he doesn't start doing what you ask, you're quitting. Only do things for you and your sons that need to be done for your well being. When I can't look at my husband's stuff lying around anymore, I pile it in his office. If yours doesn't have an office, put it on his side of the bed, in his closet, in his car etc. Your husband sounds particularly bad at helping so needs something to wake him up. If you make dinner, don't make any for him. I'd eat at work, have something for the kids at home and then have nothing for your husband. Don't do his laundry. Let him run out of clothes. Don't take out the garbage. Put it some place the kids can't get into it but then leave it there. Don't do his dishes. Pile them some place in the kitchen. The visuals of seeing his stuff everywhere hopefully will have some impact. Another idea is hire a cleaning person. Is he money conscious? If so, hit him where it hurts. If he doesn't care, then hire yourself some help! Find what does motivate him and try to use that... Or take control and pay someone to do some of this stuff. I don't know how you're doing it all if you're nursing a baby! Hire a night nurse if they're available. They're expensive so that should get his attention!
Sorry - I don't have any advice, I just wanted to wish you GOOD LUCK!!!
Oh, I just thought of something.....
The ONLY way that I can think of is to tell him that you need help so that you are not so tired and will have more energy to have sex with him!!!
It took me a few seconds, but I figured out that SO must stand for significant other. Not eveyone is going to know that.
Anyway, your husband is super lazy and his lack of helping you with the chores is unacceptable. If a list didn't work, I don't know what else will so I strongly suggest marriage counseling.
It is for this very predicament that you are in is why I am constantly telling my 7 y/o son that he MUST help his future wife with the household chores. He definately knows this! It is our jobs as mothers to train our sons so they know that they must help their future wives with chores (regardless if she works or stays at home). Obviously, your MIL did not train your husband to be a good husband and help you out. So that unfortunately leaves you and your future therapist. This is a very serious problem that I don't think you will be able to solve all on your own, !which is why I think you should take your husband to a therapist. He must start helping you! Good luck.
One more thought - you can tell your husband that if he helps you out with the chores, your sex life will increase.
I agree with Martha. Get an estimate from a cleaning woman (or several), and ask him which one he thinks you should hire. If that doesn't motivate him, then **treat yourself** for heaven's sake - have someone come a least once a month to do the deep cleaning if your budget doesn't allow a weekly or bi-weekly service.
ok not reading any of the other posts i go on strike but to an extent like laundry ill do laundry for me and the kids and let his laundry sit me and the kids put our stuff in the washer so its easy to separate ours from his, i have put dishes in a bin before and since he does the cookin and dont have what he needs he washes dishes (i rinse the dishes at least so they dont grow anything) i have also piled stuff he has left lying around on top of the stove so he cant cook and i have also cover the counter top with the clean dishes cuz he is the one that puts them away and by doing that he has no counter space i have also set the trash in front of the door so that it is in his way when he has to use the door so he has to take it out. i know it seems childish but it works for me and our relation ship is strong cuz there is no fighting, i also have a friend i call while washing dishes so i can vent to her about it.and she vents to me good luck hun.
Hi S.
You could try talking to him and tell him what you told us.
Best of luck and a big cyber hug.
I think I will try to appreciate my hubby more for the bit he does.
B.
When I first got married, I knew I wouldn't be able to be the superstar homemaker, cook, cleaner, etc. I knew I wanted and needed my husband to do things around the house. In the beginning my husband was and still is very cooperative but I have established several things I expect in the house.
Be honest with yourself, what can your husband do? What is he willing to do? What is he willing to learn how to do?
Communication is key (not nagging). If you said to your husband, "I was trying to figure out how to have more time and energy to work on our sex life," I'm certain his ears would perk up there and then you would be able to insert the things you would like him to do to free up your time. You reward his efforts, even if they are not perfect with sex.
Let him know how the things yourespect about him but be honest. He will know if you aren't being sincere. You may need to teach him how to wash the clothes, cook some food, and clean. He may not know how to do these things. Be patient but be wise and speak to him with respect and watch his response to you change. I hope this helps. I know it works on my husband.
I have never made a list for my husband, in fact he would probably laugh at me for making him a list and telling him what I wanted him to do. Men don't respond well to being told what to do. Just ask him gently and explain that you are just exhausted and really need an extra hand. If he is any kind of man, then he will not let you do it all and will help out.
Maybe you could talk to him about what he would be willing to do. Things maybe he feels he is good at? My husband will cook, wash dishes, do laundry (I help put it away too), take out trash, and of course pick up his things.
Maybe there are things you could take turns doing?
Your girlfriend must have a different kind of husband. Yours sounds a little like a certain "nobody's gonna tell me what to do" husband I know, but I will say no more about whose husband that is....
I vote for the cleaning lady. (Be sure to get SEVERAL excellent references, or call a bonded business!) If your husband doesn't care, and since obviously you do, take unilateral action. Actually, having somebody from outside take on most of the cleaning work (you do the tidying up and the laundry) might be much better for YOU. You need to get some feet-up time, and you need to relieve some stress.
For all the talk about equal everything in a marriage, sometimes that just doesn't happen. So then you have to choose which battle to fight. I'm thinking that at this point, with a time-consuming job and a new baby, the battle to select right now is the one to get and keep the house in order.
ask him what he would "like" to do. My husband doesnt mind doing ALL the laundry and taking out the trash and the cans on trash day. he also is good at keeping the floor swept. he also unloads the dishwasher but isn't really good at loading. so the key is to ask what he's willing to do and hold him to it. it has to be done and its not fair with both of you working that he isn't helping more. good luck!!!
