Getting Comfortable with "Really Nice Things"

When my hubs first started making "money" of a greater level, I felt this way. Even now I still shop sales, thrift etc. When we were looking to buy a new house, some of them that we could afford, I told hubs, if we lived there I just wouldn't feel comfortable. Like I'd have to go out and buy all new clothes just to fit with the house or people would think I was the maid! LOL. I'm very down to earth, tom boy type. So we bought a house more in the middle, which is cool, leaves room in budget for travel. Anyway, as time has passed I'm more used to things. I still don't waste money, on stupid stuff, expensive bags, name brand stuff I don't care about. If I do splurge it's on vacations and good food! TREAT YOURSELF!!!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!! NO ONE DESERVES THESE NICE THINGS MORE THAN YOU DO!!!!!!

Yep! Even if I can afford something, I feel like "how can I spend $xx on a handbag/dinner/electronics/whatever when there is so much need in the world?" Sometimes that feeling can beneficial and motivate us towards being responsible and generous. A woman on a local FB page recently changed her mind on the way to the store to buy the newest iPhone for $1000 because she felt guilty having so much while listening to the news about strapped school districts and instead bought ten $100 gift cards to Target and Kohls and gave them away to families who needed help with back-to-school shopping.

Even if it's something that doesn't cost me much, I sometimes have a pang of guilt enjoying something knowing that others may never know what I'm experiencing. For example, my (ex) in-laws invited me to use their beach house for a day while they were away this past weekend. I took a friend down for the day and we enjoyed beautiful weather, a nice bike ride, and the beach. And thought about how many people never get to see the ocean, or even the kids who grow up in the city next to my town who are less than an hour from the shore and the mountains but don't get out of their neighborhoods due to lack of transportation.

I can't say that I'm completely over it, but I don't let these thoughts ruin a good time or prevent me from enjoying what I have. I remind myself that I work hard, I am responsible, when I indulge in something I take care of it and use it, or enjoy and savor an experience, and it's OK to be lucky enough to have the abundance to enjoy nicer things from time to time. It also helps that I try to be as generous as I can be with donations of goods, time or money and try not to hoard material things. I try to be a good steward of what I have, and that feels good to me.

I guess I wonder what the underlying discomfort is actually about.

Is it because you feel pressure to keep up with the Jones? Is it something you'll really enjoy and that other people in your social circle are doing (or even that your husband wants to do), but deep down you know you can't really afford it?

Is it because yes, you'd enjoy it and can afford it, but it's expensive and doesn't really reflect your priorities in life? Maybe it's something that other people do but still, you'd be equally happy with a less expensive choice, and using the "extra" to make the world a better place is a better fit for your personal values?

Is it something really nice that someone is giving you, but in your life, when people give you nice things, there are usually strings attached, and that is why you are uncomfortable?

Once you unpack this a little more, you can think how you want to handle it. If #1, maybe you need to work with a financial planner to make a real budget to decide what you can and can't afford. If #2, then maybe it's more about having the self-confidence to really own your values in life, even if they are different from the people around you. If #3, then it's about trust - and sometimes we don't trust others for good reason.

I used to feel this way and for me, it was a combination of all these things.

generations seem to yaw wildly between teaching kids to be 'appreciative' by guilt tripping them or teach kids 'self esteem' by making them think they're entitled to everything.

in the middle are sensible parents throughout the ages trying to find the golden mean.

sounds like you were raised with the paradigm of instilling guilt to ensure proper gratitude.

today it seems that any carefree joy is shot down with accusations of 'privilege', which is a real thing but is being taken to ridiculous extremes in this climate.

not everyone needs counseling. many of us slog through it on our own. it's probably faster, though, to find a good counselor and try to come to grips with that long-ago-installed Authority Figure in our heads drumming their fingers every time we think we might relax and let go and enjoy fully.

good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

Yes. I was really poor growing up, and at times hungry. Even though I have been financially secure for many years now I still sometimes feel "guilty" about having such a nice life (and nice things and experiences) when so many people do not. I don't know if it ever completely goes away, but it gets easier with age (I just turned fifty.) It also helps to donate money and time to causes I care about, and to be generous with friends and family members when I can. Sharing the wealth is a great feeling!

My husband is like this.

I hope that you get therapy for this.

I don’t understand it. His mother cried when he told her that he was going to law school and begged him not to go because she feared that it would hurt their relationship and he would think that he was too good for the family.

Before every vacation and holiday, he has a breakdown and does his best to ruin things for everyone because he feels guilty that he has things and can do things while others cannot.

He calls it survivors guilt.

Do things for others but even if you give everything away and are living on the street, you will not be able to save everyone and then you will be in need of saving.

Do what you can and appreciate your blessings - all of them, from the sunshine on your shoulders to the buttery leather of a new handbag.

I often feel this way, and I don't have an answer for you.

We live in a nice community where many, many families are very well off (or at least live as though they are) - nice cars, name brand clothes, smart phones for their 3rd graders, new cars for their 16 year olds, etc. It can be easy to get caught up in wanting to have all these "nice things." Then I drive 10 miles down the road and am easily reminded that some people struggle just to eat, or I hear someone else's fears about medical debt (I have excellent insurance).

I try to give when I can. We give at church (not just to the church, but the "special collections" that give to many great charities), we give at work, we support social services.

We try to do what we can and to appreciate what we have. We try to teach our boys to appreciate what they have and to be aware of the struggles that others have.

I'm not a psychologist nor do I play one on tv, but I'll give it a shot.
Your sense of self worth is skewed.
You feel undeserving and it's a hard feeling to negate.

https://www.livelifemadetoorder.com/blog/law-of-attractio...

https://www.wikihow.com/Feel-Deserving

If anyone tries to make you feel guilty - refuse delivery.
No one can 'make' you feel anything without you accepting their point of view.
You don't have to - you can see things differently and have your own point of view.

Seeing a psychologist on a regular basis would give you a qualified professional with which to have these sorts of discussion.
Your millage will vary with what ever info you find on the internet.
I'm confident that you will eventually find peace and happiness.

Really nice things cost money. Something I don't have a lot of.
So, anytime I get something really nice I think, "That money could be used on groceries/clothes/soccer/school/any other number of normal things" I have a very hard time enjoying "extra" money because it's never extra! There are better things to spend it on.
Also...my husband's family is broke in Mexico. They have asked us to send money to pay for the doctor, food, a birthday party, Christmas...and we always do. They live in a ghetto with no roof, no running water, and no power/cable/phone. When we have "extra" I always feel guilty...should I send it to them? $100 here is what they make in a month!
I struggle with this all the time.
Is that what you mean? Cuz I have no advice, I just think I understand how you feel.
:)

My husband surprised me with a new wedding set when we had been married over 20 years (combined with me turning 50). I’ve always been a minimalist in the jewelry department especially. It’s beautiful with diamonds etc.

He told me he admired other women’s wedding sets and wanted me to have one. It was so sweet but I had a hard time at first because I had never put any importance on jewelry and especially this kind of quality.

I don’t think it’s bad to be mindful of how blessed we are. I don’t tend to spend much money on myself so I have to talk myself through it. Being generous helps too.

I am JUST getting over that feeling. After several health scares, I now spend my money, I am more generous now than ever before. I feel so much better when I treat myself and others. Like someone said, I did not feel worth before. I felt that saving money was a better insurance for me.

It sounds as though you don’t feel that your worthy to have nice things. There’s nothing wrong or sinful about having nice things but I must admit I’ve lived that life before & I too would feel guilty so I started giving back... giving to the less fortunate... or to a church that you know helps the hungry & homeless. My motto is to give but to never share what I give because that would be boasting it’s much better to give anonymously.

Sounds like you would benefit from therapy.

My mother came from a family that mixed with very upper class families and my father came from humble beginnings, but did very well. So my upbringing was kind of interesting - we had nice things but I didn't know it. My parents were not showy - they spent their money on experiences. They saved. When funds were needed, we had them.

I think I inherited that way of thinking. If it's important, I will spend it. Experiences matter to me. However, I have very simple tastes. Really nice things to me often don't cost a lot. It's more tickets to a show I want to see. My furniture - some of it is really nice, but was handed down to me. It is to be used and loved.

That's my family's motto. Enjoy it. So I would feel bad spending money on something just for the sake of it - and I do sales. I would feel badly spending full price for something that I could get half price a month later. THat's just being savvy though.

I do feel deserving though - which is maybe what you are really asking. If you don't feel deserving that's another matter.