Gay or Uninterested

She's just not interested in sex yet, be it with boys or with girls. Leave her be.

As for telling a girl "I love you," I have a girlfriend that has been my sister from another mother for over 30 years. She and I tell each other "I love you" every time we talk, email, or text.
Neither of us is interested in the other as a bed partner.

ok for girls saying I love has nothing to do with who they want to be with. I have friends I do love they are like my sisters.

Well, if she isn't gay, she is still going to need therapy thanks to you. Good lord, back off and let her breathe.

You really should be talking to your parents about all these questions you have.

1. I say "love you" to my bestie. I'm not gay. I love her like a sister.

2. Your daughter is not interested in boys yet.

3. If she does end up being gay, she'll still be your daughter. If she's straight, she'll still be your daughter. But she's clearly not interested yet, so chill.

T., in the span of just six hours you posted three times about your 13-year-old: This post, one about your worries that she has not started her period yet and another one about your worries that she is embarrassed "of" you ( I think you mean, embarrassed BY you).

Either you are a kid home from school using someone's account or if you are a real parent, you need to take some serious parenting classes for parents of teens. If you are a real parent and posted all these things, you are in need of some professional help because you are extremely insecure about your own child and seem to have little idea about how girls her age think or behave. There are classes out there and if you can't afford them, ask at your local county or city health department -- they can help you. Please get help, IF you are actually a parent. The posts sound very adolescent, very "young," as if you're a teenager fishing for help here about your own problems...if you are indeed a teen with these issues for real, and you can't talk to your parents, see a school counselor as soon as you can.

maybe if she weren't getting a gazillion mixed messages from her mother, she wouldn't be confused.
actually, SHE sounds surprisingly fine. not sure where you're coming from.
khairete
S.

In one sentence, you are worried because she's not boy crazy and then in the next you talk about how you don't want her to have a boyfriend or grow up too quickly.

Seems to me your daughter is what you want her to be - a lady; not boy crazy; still enjoying her childhood.

Seems to me that for your "public facade" you want her to be the way she is but privately, you are concerned because she's not trying to be a houchie.

why do you care if she ends up being gay?
also if she;s not liking boys yet and you feel its too early why arent you relieved instead of worried?

You don't love your friends? I have two especially that I love dearly. Why do you seem to be trying to push your daughter into becoming interested in boys?? There's plenty of time for that. Girls are tight when they're teens. Weren't you with your friends? Honestly, everything that you've posted today sounds normal. And if your child is gay, oh well. What are you going to do. You can't do anything. So let your kid be a kid. But do keep an eye on the Facebook account. 13 is too young for Facebook in *my* world.

My answer really depends on when school let out for the summer in your area. It was pretty recent, right?

I have a granddaughter who will be 13 in July. Everything you described sounds normal to me. I suggest that you're way over thinking your granddaughter's sexuality. And you're inconsistent too. You don't want her to be dating but at the same time you want her to be interested in boys. Know that she's interested in boys. She is just not rushing to get sexually involved. Isn't that what you want?

You're concerned that she's gay at the same time you want her to enjoy her childhood. She is a young lady, which, btw, has nothing to do with sex. You don't want her to be a houchie which, sounds like would prove to you that she's not gay. I'm sorry, you're just not making much sense to me. Let her mature in her own time.

I urge you to stop being so focused on her sexuality. Really, sexuality at this age is just now beginning to be in the picture. You do not want her to rush into any sort of intimate relationships just to prove something to you.

And, in my culture we say, "I love you" to both boys and girls, men and women. Love is what makes the world go around and I'm not speaking of sex at all. I kiss my adult brothers and cousins and a few male friends on the cheek. We share hugs and we say, "I love you" to each other. And none of it means anything sexually.

Added later: Know that at this age both boys and girls can be more focused on friends of the same sex than friends of the opposite sex. As one mother said, we learn how to socialize with our same sex friends. This does not mean we are gay. It's a normal part of growing up.

Ok you said she had not started her period there for her hormones are not going nuts. That's usually when girls really start liking boys. Don't worry about her being gay. Be happy she's not chasing boys now. I still tell my bff that I love her. Even in front of our husbands and neither of us are gay. For some reason if she end up deciding she's gay love her. No matter if you agree with it or not she's your child she needs your love!!!!!!

Sounds like you have a great deal of work to do on the issue of sexual behavior. We're set up to struggle by the mixed messages we get from much of our culture.

I'm glad you can see the conflicts in your own thinking about whether and when a young girl should become sexual, or sexually-desirable, or what that has to do with a happy life. Or with love, which comes in many flavors besides sexual. Most of life carries on more smoothly without sexual tension – why on earth would we want to push a sexual agenda onto a child who doesn't have one?

Let your daughter enjoy her years free of boys, and what boys think of girls. There's so much to learn about life and people even without the complications of sex. Support her in finding/developing her best self, whether that's straight or gay. When she awakes to longing for some other person, that opens a whole new chapter in development. That doesn't happen for some people until they are in their 30's (my adorable husband, and my most admirable son-in-law are both in that group).

You are upset because your daughter isn't chasing after boys, but when boys are around you said "Then, the boy's end-up hitting and I tell her to leave the boys alone and not to play with the boys,to go play with the girls"

So what do you actually want her to do? Do you want her to be interested in boys or leave them alone and be with the girls? You can't have it both ways.

My suggestion? Leave her be. You're a walking contradiction in your post. You want her to leave boys alone and not be a "houchie" but then you immediately ask if she's "just not yet into boys or do any of you think that, she has gay tendencies?"

As for her telling her friends she loves them...I have female friends (and male friends *gasp*) that I tell them I love them. And I do. I love them like my brother/sister. Get over it. She cares deeply for her friends.

My mom thought I was gonna be gay because I really didnt start being interested in boys until I was 15. My mom was already pregnant with me at 15!
I think your daughter is fine.
Dont bug her about it.
Nature will take it's course.

Could you possibly be any more ignorant?

Not every 13 yr old gets interested in boys.
Sometimes they don't get interested till 16 or 18 or even 21.
There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer.
There are plenty of girls who don't really get into dating till college.
And if she does turn out to be a lesbian, she'll figure it out eventually and she'll still be your daughter.
What are you worried about?

Please find a book on raising girls and read it. I'll recommend Kathy Masarrie's "Raising our Daughters".

It seems (at least from your three posts about your daughter today) that you have a lot of uncertainty as to *who* your daughter is and that she's 'normal'. It sounds like you are not just comfortable with who she is, period. I'd look into that if I were you-- that can be a huge source of anxiety for kids to know that their parents are worried about them.

About the lesbian or not thing? Keep it zipped on that one, mom. She will be *crushed* to read/hear something like that from you. I had a parent who always kept her uncertainties about me in my face and you know, I hated her for that and it was detrimental to our relationship. Why? Because it was all really about HER, her anxieties and her projections. Frankly, I didn't need that garbage dumped on me. She had no right to dump her stuff on me when my primary job in adolescence was to find out who, exactly, I was... she should have gone to counseling to figure out how to deal with her own feelings in a more healthy way. Do not make that same mistake.

If she ends up being a lesbian, you will do what thousands of other parents have healthily done: you will get over yourself and educate yourself via PFLAG and other resources for the family members of young gay and lesbian people. If you don't, you can choose to reject who she is and live with the fact that you rejected WHO your child essentially is... IF that's the situation.

But you don't really know that, do you? Yes, girls will profess their undying love and BFF and all that. I know plenty of women who will say "I love you" in a very platonic, deep friendship sort of way. Isn't that what you want for your daughter? For her to have meaningful relationships with peer girls? Most girls at that age (from my experience being around them over the years) are very, very reticent to share which boy they like, even with people they trust.

Let her play with her friends, male or female. Let her BE. Let her be whoever she is.

Seriously, T., you are WAY over-reacting. I say this to you regardless of whether you are a mother or a father.

Stop trying to use a gay-meter on your daughter. Allow her to be herself. She needs to be studying in school, having fun with her friends, being mentored by parents who teach her to be careful and thoughtful about her life. She also needs at 13 years old to be ENJOYING her life, not have to worry about hurting your feelings over looking attractive enough for the opposite sex.

I wonder if you understand how strange it sounds for you to on one hand say that you want her to like boys and be attractive for them, yet you don't want her around the boys because, as kids themselves who don't know how to behave like "young men", they might touch her when they are "hitting". Good grief. Stop trying to push her toward boys to prove to yourself that she isn't gay and stop trying to yank her away from boys at the same time because you're afraid that she'll like them after all.

Girls never learn to like boys first, T.. They learn how to deal with relationships by socializing with their own sex first. Boys do this too. That's the way things work. Same sex relationships are comfortable. It is totally up to HER when she starts trying to move into the arena of "friends who are boys". At some point, she will be considering the switch to boyfriends. This is something you do NOT get to disapprove of. You can tell her that she cannot date until she is 16, that socializing with boys needs to be with a group. THAT helps her learn how to do this. Managing the process by trusting her and helping her is what you need to do.

The way you teach your daughter to not be a hoochie is to not allow her to buy suggestive clothes. You HAVE to understand that she cannot dress like a nun or she'll be an outcast in her group. She can be part of her group without wearing outlandishly suggestive things. It's a balancing act and you just deal with that. Her mother should be working with her in this regard. If there isn't a mother in the picture, then you need a trusted woman friend or family member who your daughter likes and respects to help you navigate this. NO teenage daughter will like her father trying to be the "mother" where this is concerned.

Let her be a child by not pushing anything on her as far as boys are concerned. So what if she and her friends say they love each other. I'm not gay and I tell my girlfriends I love them! You are seriously not understanding ANYTHING about young people or women if you think that this isn't normal. And if you're a woman, T., you must not have many girlfriends...

So stop talking to her about this stuff. You are mighty confusing to her. She doesn't need this. Love your daughter for who she is so that she feels confident and so she feels that she can trust coming to you for advice when she is READY.

There are things about the young generation that you are just NOT going to understand. The words they use are different. The things they are interested in are different. Boys and girls have ALWAYS been different from each other, but they are different now compared to how they were when you were growing up. You have to get past that and stop trying to over-analyze.

Good luck.

You want to have it both ways? Either you want her to use discretion when interacting with males or you don't. "Boys can wait!!"; "Where are the boys??" What would happen if she came home one day with some boy's name scrawled across the back of her hand? You'd likely chide her and then make her wash it off.

There's nothing you can do about whether or not she's gay, so just wait and let her tell you what she wants and what she's doing about it, based on what you have taught her.

I know that parenting isn't black and white, and you are likely just thinking out loud. Listen to yourself, though.

PS. I know girls that age who list each other as married on FB. You know where it lets you check your relationship status? They check "married" and then attach it to other girls the same age. I see that as just another example of blurred lines between grown-ups and children. I'm not a fan of children on FB.

It is not up to you whether your daughter is gay. You do not have any control over that. In fact, she doesn't have any control over it either.

What you CAN control is what kind of mother you are. Are you loving and respectful, or do you send the message that you will only love her if she loves men? That, in turn, will have a big influence on how happy she is, and how she treats other people in her life.

Please control what you can control, and that is being a loving parent. If you do that, the rest will sort itself out.

I think you are worrying about nothing. Girls at this age are all about the girlfriends and besties, etc. My cousin's 18 year old daughter always posts and has posts on Facebook where they say 'Love you'... it's not a gay thing. And something else to think about when your daughter sexually matures more, is that the world isn't just straight or gay. THere are people who are a-sexual and just have no interest in the opposite sex, or any gender sex. I had a friend like that. No one looked at him as gay or anything. Just something to think about (if the time comes and you are still concerned).

What is she IS gay?

Will you love her less? Will you want her to not be her?
If the answer to those questions are, "yes," you need a swift kick in the rear...and counseling. If the answer is "NO," good job, you are a decent human being.

I NEVER talked to my parents around boys, and they might have thought I was gay. I don't know. You need to chill out and allow your daughter to grow into who she is.

I can't imagine from this where you think she has gay tendencies, other than the I Love you on Facebook. I have lady friends that we all say that to and yet I am married, to a man, and although I think women are beautiful and sexy and wonderful, at thirteen I think it would have been hard put for me to think I was gay. I was a little slow about the s word at that time, did have crushes and in my shyness I really wasn't about to let a boy know - except my sister did, she managed to show the neighborhood my diaries by accident. That said, everyone develops differently, and I'm reaching as I try to figure this out. You needn't be confused, she will undoubedtly let you know her preference sometime in her life and since you are letting her know that boys can wait, perhaps she is following that advice and not showing any displays of affection anywhere. It shouldn't take much to just show her your love and let her sort it out. She will. Of course if she seems despondent or seriously depressed then that is a different direction and that would lead to getting help.

In all honesty, it sounds like she's managing to turn out well, although I have no idea how that's happened. My best advice would be to leave her alone. When you're 13, friends are very important. In fact, I'm 41, and I've known my best friend since I was 13.

My best advice would be to leave her alone and let her continue on the same path. She seems very well-adjusted and it would be a shame for you to change that for her or make her feel insecure in any way.

I'm voting "uninterested". And I speak from experience. I didn't really start to notice boys until I was 19 or so. Before that, I just wanted to hang with my friends. And yes, telling your girlfriends you love them is actually very normal, I'd say more so these days than in the past. And when I was in middle/high school, no way I'd tell my mom who I liked. So maybe she says none of the boys are cute just because she doesn't want to tell you anything. So keep in mind two things:

1) If her friends are boy-crazy, she may see them acting silly and resolve to just not be like that, which would make her seem indifferent to boys.
2) If you are pushing her to like a boy (any boy) she may resist just to spite you (she is at that age).

And you know, it might turn out that she IS gay, but I don't think anything you're looking at is a sign of it. Just let her be and see what happens.