My husband is a chaplain and deals with all sorts of terminally ill patients. I know he is tired when he gets home. I just want him to help out a bit more with our 6 month old son. He does not feed him, rarely changes him, does not bathe him at all, and only holds him when he feels like it, and hardly gets up during the night when the baby cries. I have asked him for help but he shoots back with "you wanted to be an at home mom, deal with it". When he does hold Peter he almost emmediately hands him off to his son(s). That really upsets me. During the week I have Peter on a schedule but on weekends I can't hold to it because my husband allows the boys in our bedroom to "talk" to him while he sits at his computer. His oldest son(18) does not know how to talk quietly and wakes the baby up every time. Then guess who has to deal with a cranky baby, ME! I have at many times had to hold Peter while I cook dinner because my husband can't do 2 things at once( sit in front of the computer and hold Peter). What can I do or how can I get him more involved with the baby and keep to a schedule during the weekend where I don't have to stress myself to keep the place clean, kids fed, and my husband happy?
Yesterday I made a bold move where I would normally just suck it up and deal with the frustration. My husband came home later than usual. I was in the middle of cooking dinner AND feeding Peter. I was almost done and was giving him his last spoonful. Peter was a mess. I took him out of his chair and started to walk out of the kitchen. By this time my husband was in the back room with his oldest son playing "football" on his whatever that games thing is called. I walked in and asked him "do you want to bath Peter or watch dinner?" He looked at me like he almost didn't understand what I was saying. Then he said he would watch the dinner. So ultimitaley he was forced to get off the game and go to the kitchen to watch that our dinner did not burn. After the bath I dressed the baby in his pj's and took him to his dad and told him he had to watch him while I finished dinner. That felt good AND he was forced to help, which in turn made him have a wonderful time with the baby. I could hear him laughing and Peter giggling. It brought a smile to my face and a lump to my throat. I can't say that will work everytime but it worked last night. I was able to sit with my husband and have a normal non-stressful conversation with him after the baby had been put to sleep. Thanks to all for the advice!
You need to talk it out with an impartial third party. He obviously sees your job differently than you do. (In my opinion a stay-at-home mom does not mean single parent.) You have a lot going on with his/hers/our children. You don't need to feel as if you are all alone! Go see someone! N.
I completely understand your frustration. My husband is a manager for a very large retail chain. I have just learned to quit asking for help because all it does is upsets me when he won't chip in. I just make sure to let him know that one day he will be sorry that he missed out on so much of his kids lives.
Dear A., I can't tell you how much I can relate to you!! I have gone through the same thing in the last four years. I have 2 kids, boy 18, girl 14 and my husband has boy13 1/2, boy 12, girl8 and we have a 4yr old boy together. We will be married for a whole 5 years in Nov. I don't have any advice because I just struggled through it and had some help from my oldest who was 14 at the time that our 4 yr old was born, sometimes it was impossible to take a shower or get my teeth brushed. My husband just thought I "mismanged" my time and was never around or just made the situation worse and didn't help with any of the other kids to lighten my "mommy I need..." list. I really hated the fact that I had to be and still have to be "the responsible parent". Rasing kids is the hardest and most thankless job on the face of the earth and sometimes I really,really hate it but I can tell you that it does get better as far as the baby is concerned, now I think having an 18 yr. old is harder.;) I wish i could make it all better and give you some awesome advice but the only thing I can say is to do what you need to do to be healty and SANE, can't emphasize that enough. Maybe you could move the computer to another area? Let everyone know how it's going on this website, i'll be pulling for you!
M. B.
A.
I sure do know how you feel. My son is 16 months and I think his dad has given him 1 bath, changed about 5 (WET)diapers, never fed him a bottle or baby food, and never got up with him. I think that men in general are like that. I have repeatedly asked him to help out more, but too no avail. At the time I was working a 40 hr wk job as well. Now that my son is walking and talking he has taken more interest in him.
Just hang in there, things will get better I promise. Once Peter starts to entertain himself you'll be able to get more done around the house.
Don't stress too much about, babies grow up so fast and houswork and whatever isn't worth missing one single moment!
Good Luck
Do you have any friends you can spend a day with? If so tell your husband you're going out with some friends for a girls night and then he will have no choice but to stay home and watch the lil ones.Then maybe he will have some appreciation for how much you do around the house and how much you need his help.
I honestly believe that you'll cause yourself more anxiety asking and even trying to demand help than just doing it all alone.
I'm a work at home mom. I make more dollars than my husband and I pay most of the bills. I run my daycare 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. I get up numerous times per night to let kids out and then start letting them in for the next day at 3AM and 4AM. It's a busy life and I often feel that I should be getting more help from my husband. He comes home on the weekends and comes and goes as he pleases while I'm still working. He also gets paid vacations and I do not.
Frankly, life isn't fair. This is a very typical scenario. I feel priveleged to be my own boss and not have to punch a clock. I may work long hours at times, but I do watch tv when I want and jump online when I want. I even manage to fit in a class that I enjoy taking online.
It's absolutely not wrong for you to ask for help or to want it. It's just not worth making it at battle. Also, being a stay at home mom with someone else paying the bills really does make the house and kids mostly your responsibility. Your going to get tired and you have the right to find ways to make things easier for yourself. I just wouldn't expect the answers to come from him.
Suzi
A.,
You've been given a lot of good advice, and I hope some of it rings true for you and you can find some ideas to try. Here are a couple more thoughts.
What you are going through IS a relationship killer, especially when (1) the marriage isn't consumated, making it easier to get out of and possibly making the attitudes of those in it something less than fully committed, and (2) because you've both obviously used the "exit strategy" to "fix" a relationship problem before, and that makes an exit more of a possibility again. Consequently, this needs to be handled with great care if you're going to preserve the relationship.
I am with the writer who said, (gently) remind him that he gets to come home at the end of his work day, and that you do not seem to have an end to your work day. Since he is a chaplain, appeal to that part of him - ask him to put himself into that frame of mind and consider how he would deal with a family who approached him with this problem - husband working very hard, wife exhausted from dealing with a small baby and four other children's needs, and a shaky seamed-together family made up of kids from other relationships.
Also, I strongly suggest that you take yourself to counseling! I don't know Tulsa, but most communities have sliding scale counseling services through the county health department, if money is an issue. Tell him that you want counseling to help you with the stress of the situation, and invite him to attend with you - either just the first session or occasionally as issues need to be dealt with - or whatever the counselor suggests.
At any rate, feeling like you are being taken for granted, and that your concerns about the baby, your work load, etc, are falling on deaf ears, will make you resentful, angry and I predict that he will ultimately blame you (your anger responses) for the problems in your relationship - even if it's his refusal to pay attention to your needs that got you so angry in the first place. He needs help in taking his share of responsibility both for your well-being and for the child-care, either by appealing to his inner chaplain to recognize the truth of the situation or through the help of a third party counselor.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
S.
A., I have been married for almost five years and my husband has two teenagers from a previous marriage. I am on my way to being a (step)Grandma @27. I have a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old and the other day my mother was here for the weekend because my father was out of town and my husband was letting my mom do all the chasing and she finally told him it was HIS TURN TO CHASE his son because I was in the basement doing laundry and then when i came up stairs i told him that it was my BREAK TIME because i had been with them all week while he got to work out side the home. My husband will not change a poopy diaper but he will change a pee pee diaper and he does give our son and daughter a bath on the weekends when he is home . I have learned that if i tell him to do something and make it sound he doesnt have a choice and its an order he will find something else that needs his attention in the basement and forget about give the kids a bath. Just dont talk mean or "down" to him.
I can feel you frustration!! My man is the same way. Guys don't undrerstand that we work all day too! It's not like SAHM's sit around eating crackers and watching toons all day... We bust ass!! lol! Just because he worked all day does not mean he can slack on being a father. What I do when I really need my fiance to help is to give him choices. Like, "Do you want to hold the baby or cook dinner?" Or, "You can take out the trash or do the dishes." That way, he has to do something and it doesn't seem like I'm bossing him around. Left on his own, he would do nothing!! On the weekends, I sometimes just hand the baby to him and say "It's your turn! He misses his daddy." And then walk off. Not much he can do about that. ;)
A.:
Everyone who wrote to you "feels your pain", but no one is doing or expecting anything different. Your husband goes to work and when he comes home his job is done. You are a stay-at-home who "works" during the day, so when your "day" is over........do you get to cease working!? It takes two to make a child and you are both parents (that is a full-time job for both of you!), so you both should be taking care of your son. If you allow your husband to continue his non involement, than you are just enabling him (plus, he will be absent in your son's emotional development). You need to give your husband a choice when he comes home (very matter of fact). For example, "Honey, do you want to give the baby a bath or put make his bottle?". Also, you both need to talk to your 18 year old son, about his behavior around the baby. If you let this go on, then I'm sorry, you have no one to blame but yourself.
A. L
It sounds like your husband might not have been on board with your decision to stay at home with your baby. This is my situation and has lead to a lot of resentment from my husband. He feels like he works very hard and deals with the stress of being the sole provider and so nothing more should be expected from him. My best advice is that you need to have a heart to heart about the underlying issue. Regarding weekends, I have come to terms with the fact that on weekends our routines will be off. Just the presence of daddy at home is enough to throw it off, he doesn't even have to be doing anything disruptive. Mostly, I just wanted to say that you are not alone.
