We have been struggling financally for some time. We live very modestly, share a cheap car, live in an old run down (rental) home that stinks of mold and is disgusting so I'm desperate to get out of it, very frugal with groceries, buy everything second hand (even our our furniture and clothing is used), don't go out for entertainment... Now, we have a suprise baby (our 3rd child) on the way and our insurance sucks, so medical bills are getting ridiculus. My father in law and myself are doing plenty of job hunting for my husband, all of the job links still sit in my husband's inbox as unread. He claims he has applied for about 10 jobs.... since October when we really started discussing the need to find better employment. His brother calls him almost every single night to play xbox for several hours, and on nights he doesn't play, he is watching netflix. (xbox live and netflix are the only memberships we have, xbox live I can't really cancel, b/c the whole year is paid in advance for $50, but I will cancel netflix even though it is only $8 a month). I sell a little bit online so I have to have internet, but we use a very cheap provider, and the economy has turned my once decent business, into almost nothing. I can't use library computer b/c of downloading issues and also b/c I don't have transportation during the day. We don't have fancy phones or texting or anything like that. I am at the point where I am considering disabling xbox live and have begun selling off pieces of furniture and clothing to help pay for bills and such. It is getting really frustrating and even though we've talked about it and he says he will start to look, he gets on the xbox again. I don't even know what to do at this point anymore. I know he is depressed and lacks motivation because he feels like a failure a lot of the time. I do everything I can to be kind and supportive and uplifting and very loving, I don't nag on him or whine, but it isn't working. It is making me depressed as well and so I end up failing at a lot of my home duties too, which only makes the problem worse. It is a nasty cycle I am trying to get out of.
Last time he was unemployed (he was laid off for 5 months and we had to move in with the inlaws), I was the one who wrote his resume and dossier, who did all the job hunting, who researched the companies for interviews, who filled out the majority of his applications, who emailed his contacts, who got him set up in social networks, I spent all day doing this while he sat around and did almost nothing, besides going to the a career workshop for counseling a couple of times.... it looks like I will be having to do it again this time as well. He also talks about getting his MBA, or starting over school to do the nurse anesthetist thing... again, I am the one researching schools, his pre-reqs requirements, student loan info, the GMAT and deadlines. In which the information states he should get a good 6 months of studying and time to take the GMAT, which means he should be getting the information now for it, but as usual, he isn't doing any of that either.... and I suspect he won't start researching and applying to any schools or trying to take the test until a week before school starts. After almost 9 years of marriage, I thought we would be somewhat stable by now, but I guess it isn't going to happen any time in the foreseeable coming years. It looks like I would be doing a bigger service to my family to put everything on hold to finish my degree as fast as possible and to find full time employment than to rely on him. But than I would lack the experience as well to really get a good enough paying job to have 3 kids in childcare.
I guess this isn't much of a question. I am just really depressed. I love my husband he treats me and the kids wonderfully and is a good father and a very loving husband. He has a bachelors degree in a good field and a very respectable job as a public servant, he is a good worker and he helps me out tremendously. But it pays very, very little and survival is very difficult. We are just above the bracket where we don't qualify for any kind of assistance, but low enough so that we feel like we are in quick sand every month. We have zero credit card debt, but we do have a mountain of student loan debts. I would love to let my boys take soccer or take them to see a movie or do anything like that, but it just isn't possible. I know we have it better off than most, that a LOT of people are struggling financially, it just feels like I've been stressed out about making ends meet for the last 9 years of my life, I thought we would be stable by now that he is fainlly in a career. How did/do you motivate a person, how do you get out of a funk like this? I am applying for night jobs, but I'm almost 7 months pregnant, no one will hire me and I can't work during the day b/c no job will pay enough for me to put my child in childcare. I cannot do home babysitting b/c it is against our rental agreement and I could get in a lot of trouble if caught.
*I can't move in with my family... in fact my nomad mom wants to move IN with us (in another post). His parents would take us in for maybe a month or two, but my husband would WANT that and it would just make things worse, and we would have to pay a lot of money to, move there and store things... I'm trying to avoid it, we've already lived with them twice now and it sucks.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful answers, though I did want to clear a few things up. Our church does offer some counseling and we will likely go there. The issue with the job switch isn't me, my husband has been wanting to change jobs for a while, so this is his thing, not me pushing it on him. His boss knows he is severely underpaid, and so his boss is worried that my husband will seek better employment, especially now with a baby on the way. He would like to give a raise, but my husband is a public servant who works out of a grant, so that means no overtime (even though he works plenty of overtime) and no raises... He is a good man, and he helps out with me and the kids more than any other woman's husband I know. He takes care of us greatly. He gets depressed easily because he wants to be a family provider, and he feels like a failure, even though I am very supportive and reassuring, he takes his depression out by playing videogames, the fact that his brother is the one instigating it makes it hard for him to say no. He is a very hard worker, at one point, he was working a full time job, while going to school full time and working two internships... so I know he wants this as badly as I do. He was laid off when I talked about last unemployment, but he is currently working full time. We are just at a point where we are getting desperate, and his lack of trying to better our situation is making me angry and resentful. As for myself, I work on the weekends, I do have some education, including a technical degree and am working on finishing my bachelors degree as well. The 9 years I speak of hardship, includes being poor college students for almost 6 years, and now the past few years of lay-offs and low paying jobs.
What Stacey B said!!! However I would be totally tempted to "lose" (oops!) the xbox! Can you maybe take on some cleaning jobs or babysitting on the side? Are there any warehouses near you? They almost always pay family wage jobs-even for "regular" positions.
Stop raising your husband. Don't do his resume for him, don't apply for jobs for him. He is a grown man, he can do those things on his own, and when he doesn't, he's a big boy, he should experience his own consequences. Sell his x-box and when he asks why you did such a thing, tell him "If you would apply for jobs instead of playing that thing, I would have had money to buy diapers this week. Instead, I had to sell your x-box."
You are not his mother, and he is being very, very immature.
Well, I have a different take on this. Is he depressed? Maybe. But he is a big boy and its time to put the big boy pants on. If this is how he wants to live, okay. I would sell the xbox put the kids in soccer and if he asked why you did this, I would reply that kids needed to play not him.
I'm sure you are depressed. This isn't the life you invisioned when you married him. I totally get it. Been there have the tshirt.
You and hubby need to go out for a walk and have a very serious discussion. You need to explain to him that this wasn't what you signed up for and that you need a partner not another child. Let him know that you WILL NOT be filing out anymore applications, resumes, anything. That it is up to him to take care of this as the head of the household. I would also let him know that moving in with family IS NOT an option. Ask him why he isn't being proactive with this and then listen to him. If he says "I don't know where to start", don't let him off the hook, push the issue, make him think hard and deep about what he is feeling. Its not easy and you may not like the answer but you never know.
Your husband needs to grow up. I get we should make them feel better and all but sometimes enough is enough. This doesn't sound like this just started, this has been a pattern with him. I would want to be with someone I could count on.
Oh....wow. Hang in there. TRY to look at this objectively.
SOMEONE will hire you.
***Your husband needs to get a second, PT job asap.**** There ARE a lot of PT jobs out there and even clearing $100-150 per week is going to change your financial position, since you are living SO frugally.
And STOP doing his job hunting for him. It's only stressing you out!
Let him fit his Xbox games in around a FT and PT job and that MIGHT motivate him to better himself.
Good for you for having no CC debt. Just stay up to date on the student loans--probably all you can do right now, any way.
What you're describing (as far as the research. resume prep and job opening notification) sounds an awful lot like codependency. You need to find a way to modify your behavior so that the ball is placed squarely in HIS court, where it belongs. He is the sole support for (almost) FIVE HUMANS. He needs to start acting like it. make him pay the bills and get involved in the budgeting. Even if it cuts into his gaming time. ;)
Another thought.. Can you get a job in the evenings? Your husband is home to watch the kids.. Maybe in retail. Book store, Maybe in a restaurant, tutoring. Check it out.,. He is the dad. It is a way for him to be with the kids..
Jaimee is correct. Your husband is depressed. It sounds like he is overwhelmed by all of this and a new pregnancy must be a surprise he was not expecting.
With every one around him expecting him to work full time and then look for a new job full time, it has overwhelmed him and he is needing a break from these responsibilities.
I bet you feel exactly the same.
I know you said insurance is terrible, but your husband may need to see his doctor and have his testosterone checked and maybe consider an antidepressant.
Try to find a time to ask him.. "How can I help you?" Consider not talking about a new job all of the time. See if he would agree to "game night" with his brother only 2 times a week so he can be sure to spend time at home with you and the kids..
Instead of watching so much TV, see if you guys can play board games or cards.. Maybe go for walks around the neighborhood. This way there is more talking going on.. and more time for him to be a daddy with the children.
Place bowls of vanilla around the house to absorb odors.. also sliced oranges and lemons will help.
Open the windows on mild days.. Go to the park for a picnic this weekend.. Get him out into the sun..
On the weekends could you do child care at someone elses home? Your husband could watch your kids while you go and watch other peoples children. Maybe look for people that you can clean their homes, do their laundry etc.. Lots of working families just need a few hours of cleaning per week and at $15 or $20. per hour, you could be a huge help to them.
Could your husband do small yard work or assist others with small fix up jobs? I have a friend that when he was searching for a job was cutting grass, helping paint houses, putting up Christmas lights, Repairing mail boxes, and replacing front porch lights.
He started out in one neighborhood (bunch of yuppies) and then this neighborhood started calling him to help at their houses.
He made great contacts doing this.
I'm so sorry, Momma. I think I'd sell the x-box first.
It sounds like he is depressed and has given up. Personally, I think that talking about getting his MBA is an excuse for not looking for a job. You all can't afford for him to get an MBA.
If you can't get him to seek help, could you move in with your family? If he didn't have you supporting him, he would HAVE to get on with the business of trying to get a job. You may be walking away from the house, but it sounds like it's a healthcare nightmare with the mold anyway. I never advocate walking away from a house, but your husband has walked away from life, and you can't do this all on your own.
Sending you strength, Momma.
Dawn
Is your husband eligible for any type of Employee Assistance Plan through his work? I know these are rare, but it's worth checking into it. These plans allow people to see a counselor a certain number of times before hitting their medical coverage. It is all confidential, but he would need to admit that he's depressed. I don't know if he agrees that he is, but that is usually the starting point. If he picks the right counselor, this person can work with him to come up with his own plan of what to do -- he is the one who needs to decide IF he wants a job change, WHAT he would like to do, and HOW he is going to make it happen. His plan can certainly include help from you and his dad, but he needs to own it. I don't see him following through on any suggestions that you offer him until he takes responsibility and really reflects on what he'd rather be doing with his life.
Also, it may be hard for him to fall asleep when he's so down, but he needs to get a good night's sleep to start to feel better (physical and mental health and so strongly related). This is all the more important when you're expecting a new baby. Find some research online if he responds better to that.
Good luck. You are the rock of the family, and I pray that you get some help, not just with keeping everyone's head above water, but with really feeling good about YOU ;)
Ugh. Soo sorry for where you are right now. But I must commend you on your resourcefulness and ability to support your hubby unconditionally. That is a true testament to any spouse.
I would strongly encourage you to have, yet one more sit down, with hubby. Tell him you are now at the point where other things must go and the item that will bring in the most $$ is the Xbox. No judging or threating tone here - just matter of fact that no one wants our second hand furniture or clothing and If he can't or won't persue a different course of action, the XBox must be sold to feed the kids. Explain to him that if and when there is more income, there is no reason the gaming system can't be replaced, but right now priorities are priorities.
Also, not sure if it is even possible, but can you go back to work after new baby is born? I know you said a day job won't pay well enough, I'd say find one that does (do you have a degree?? I am just assuming you do since you mentioned student loans). They really do exsist out there - LOL!
Best of luck.:)
You should tell your husband that you are pregnant and it's up to him to get a second or third job to help out. It won't hurt him and may help him since he seems to play games all evening and do nothing. It might motivate him a bit. Don't do his resumes, or college applications or any of that. He needs to take responsibility for his family. I think I would give him a time frame to get this job going and the Xbox gone and then if not done you move in with family or someone. I'm not saying divorce but just say until it's done you are moving where the kids have what they need and the unborn baby is getting doctor care, etc. He really needs motivation on his own.
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I'm truly sorry to hear of all that you've been going through. It sounds like you've been taking on a lot of his responsibilities yourself. And it seems like he isn't motivated to seek a better job even though your family really needs it right now. If I were you, I'd be awfully tempted to sell his xbox and the tv, and when he asks were they went, say "I needed money to buy formula/diapers/food, etc. Maybe when you bring home more money you can buy them back!" That might wake him up a bit.... Why should he have his fun when the rest of you are feeling it?
As for other ideas of motivation, maybe you could just tell him that you'll have to move into one of your parents' homes with the new baby because he is not providing enough to pay the bills. He may need some kind of ultimatum. You might want to consider marriage counseling, too.
If I were you, I would not be the one doing the work of job hunting for him. I know you're just trying to help your family, but he needs to be the one to do the work. And, every night, sit down with him (no xbox!) and tell him you'd like to review with him what progress he's made with his job search. Where did he send resumes, who did he talk to today, what research did he do, etc. Make him prove to you every night what he's done, and if it's nothing or bs that he gives you, then you know it's time for counseling...
I looked at your past questions and saw ladies @ church are giving you a baby shower. Ask for help @ church whether its for rental assistance, food, work, counseling or all of the above.
Let me ask you a question. And I am asking with a happy heart. No bad intentions here.
Are you both at home all day - or I should say, both not working? If this is the case then once you have your baby, you need to step things up for yourself. If it means going back to school, do it. If it means getting a job and letting him watch the kids, do it. You can't just sit by and let him rule your life. Ruin yoiur life, in fact.
Two years will go by and you can either still be on here asking for help or have your degree and 1 year of work experience behind you ready for your next step up. Finsih school ASAP and move yourself forward. Let me tell you, if you are the only breadwinner and your life is on an uphill swing, he will either make his move and ship up or your next question on here is if anyone has a good divorce lawyer.
Also, if your mom moves in, let her watch the kids as rent. If not, tell her sorry, those are the rules.
Only you can help you. Make a move.
I would NOT just take the Xbox and sell it without telling your husband (though I can understand the temptation) I guess I would start by talking to him nicely and telling him because you are struggling just to pay the bills and feel bad about not being able to treat the kids to soccer or a movie or anything, you are starting to resent the Xbox and netflix for the time and resources its taking from him and from your family. Tell him you love him and don't want to nag about him having a little fun because you know he works hard, but you need to be honest with him about your feelings. Tell him you're wracking your brain trying to figure out how you can bring in some more income and you need some help from him. Approach it with respect to your partnership. What can WE come up with together? No I would not do any job search for him. At all. Unless there is a small specific task oriented chore that HE asks your help with. It should NOT be up to you to manage that process, get the ball rolling, etc. It's not helping with his motivation. I like Laurie's advice about trying to find some small jobs for yourself you can do at home to make just a little extra. I hope things get better for you.
You are not alone. I have been having issues with my husband. I stay at home with our girls. If I worked, I would barely break even after child care. We had horrible insurance before, had to meet a $5600 deductible before we got full coverage. Now, we go pay our co-pay and get hit with bils still. My husband plays exbox late at night, from 9pm until 2ish. IT drives me crazy. I understand and I am sorry you are going through this. Hope it gets better. PM if you need to chat!
I am so sorry you are going through so much, I have a really good friend who's hubby has been out of work for a long time and I watch how hard it is on their family. I don't have anything to add really, I think Laurie A's advice was, as usual, really great. I just wanted to send you a cyber hug and say hang in there, sounds like you are really doing a great job!!!!
Well, you've got a lot of suggestions. Sorry you're having such a rough time, it does sound really frustrating. I know you said you talked to him about finding a better job (he's working now right?). Depending on what hours he works it probably just sounds a little daunting to try to arrange interviews and all that around his current job. I'm also wondering how you guys talk about the money. Since you're the one doing all the work with his job hunt stuff I can probably guess he doesn't actually deal with the bank account reconcilation stuff. I'm guessing you take over on that front too and sell what you need to to pay the bills and so on. So, if you're not already I would have him go over the bills and money with you so he can actually see what's going in and out and that something has to change, whether it's him getting a second job or whatever. I would also keep an eye on rentals, maybe you could find something cheaper, you never know. I don't know that I would "take away" the xbox as some are suggesting because then it's like moving into a parent/child relationship. It does sound like he's using it as an escape though and he's just sticking his head in the sand. Also, I know you said you make just over the limit to qualify for anything but now that you're adding to the family you may want to apply again when you're in your 3rd trimester, another dependant may help you qualify. I know a lot of moms on here are against all that but sheesh, if you DO qualify and you NEED the help, that's why it's there. Wishing you well and hope it gets better soon.
Sounds like going back to school is a good idea. There are lots of schools that you can even take online classes so you wouldn't be away from home. As for the XBox I was told a few weeks ago that they have parental controls on them and I jocked about be husband controls. It is suposed to shut it down after a certain amount of time. That would help get him off of it. I am so sorry that you are frustrated! My thoughts and praiers are with you!
Good Luck and God Bless!
Your husband is lazy, not depressed. Because you do everything for him, he has no motivation to do anything and therefore, sits on the couch and plays his xBox. And I understand that if you don't do everything, then nothing gets done. It's a catch-22.
It sounds like he is used to having people take care of him. I find it almost incomprehensible that he actually made it through college with a degree, since he doesn't seem to actually want to better his lot in life. Now that he has a family that relys on him--and he still won't get off his fanny and go and do what's required to make sure his family is provided for--man. I don't know. Nine years seems to be an awful long time to wait for someone to "wake" up and start being a grown-up.
I think you have a very difficult decision to make. It sounds like you want a better life, that you are dedicated and have a degree started in (hopefully) a field that will give you good employment. You might have to start thinking about a future for you and your children without him. Perhaps some very enlightening conversations with your husband about your plight and how close you are right now to the edge are in order (that is, the financial situation of the family, living in cheap rental, is there enough money for baby #3, you can barely afford anything right now, you're always one bill away from zero money or going into the hole, etc.).
Running home to mommy and daddy when life "gets a little difficult" should NOT be an option. When you're an adult, you're an adult. You do not rely on mommy and daddy to "make all the problems and difficulties" go away. You've stated you've already lived with his mom and dad a number of times. So your husband is very aware that, when times get too rough, his mom and dad are there as a safety net. So he's not too concerned about "losing it all" because he knows they're there to catch him when he falls.
It also sounds to me like he has an addiction to watching movies and ESPECIALLY an addiction to playing video games. Yes, there is such a thing. Some counseling might be in order. If you can get rid of the online xBox subscription, you'll see quite easily whether or not your husband has an addiction to games. Because he'll continue playing--whatever way he can, even if that means he'll sit on the computer/Internet and play, or he'll end up at his brother's house.
I feel for you. It might be time to take matters into your own hands and do what you feel, in your heart, needs to be done.
Bottom line is this.....if he has hours on end to play XBOX with his brother at night (and believe me, I'm there right now and it is SOOOO frusterating, although our money issues are not quite yet where yours are), then he has time to take a second job at blockbuster, or an all night gas station, or a pizza delivery guy to make ends meet and not be so dang difficult for his preggo wife and family. PERIOD! It's not like he's spending quality time with you guys anyway...he might as well be making a little extra to pay down those student loans!
If I were in your shoes here's what I'd do: As long as the pregnancy is going ok I'd sign myself up with several temp agencies. When you get called for a job announce to your husband that you have work today and he will need to watch the children. If he doesn't want to work then make him the sahp by default.
While on the job sites go out of your way to do an awesome job and chat people up. This will help you build a network and list of references and might even lead to full time employment for you. Also, it can't hurt to look at rental property listings. You never know what you might find.
I agree with Dawn.. Also get a B plan.. while you have the help ... go out and go to school OR go to work doing your own business... You always need a B plan even if you are married.. You NEVER know what is going to happen... just ask me.. I went through a divorce and HAD to go out and build a Network Marketing business becuase it was little money and time is all i had... There are ways to make money but you have to have the will to go out and get it.... I would say good luck... But there is no luck.. The harder i work the more lucky i get... :) mamas will do whatever it takes.... RIGHT
He needs to get off his butt and get a job. Are you will be on food stamps and welfare if they still have it.
