From Bitee to Biter

If someone tells you to bite him back, please disregard.

Get a soft teething ring and put it in the freezer. Also get washrags wet and put them in the freezer. When he starts to bite or even does bite, firmly tell him no and that if he needs to bite he can bite the ring or the washrag. Eventually he will ask for them when he is frustrated.

Provide him with feeling words or other words that he can use. If someone is taking him toy teach him to say, "No" to the child. We even taught a little girl in my class to say, "Unavailable".

Most kids this age bite because they are frustrated. They have no words and few coping skills. It feels powerful and actually provides and immediate release of tension and frustration when they bite down like that. You best bet is giving him other skills and options while correcting the behavior. Help him feel powerful another way and help him relieve tension by giving him something he IS allowed to bite on.

Hope this helps,

L.

I had biting twins. I tried time outs, taking things away, rewarding the bitten child and ignoring the biter, explaining how bad it hurts to be bitten, etc. Finally I asked one of my twins why she bites and she said it was because her sister was yummy. After a long time of trying soooo hard to get them to stop, the only thing that worked was to quickly put something yucky in their mouth after they bit. I used Ivory soap and it immediately stopped.

My kids were both; it tended to cycle, one would get bit then bite someone else and so on. This happened in several daycares over the course of a couple years, so we ended up with a lot of experience on how different places handled it.

By far the most effective approach was shadowing. If a child bites someone twice in a week they are put on 2 days of shadowing - this means the child must be within arms reach of one of the teachers at.all.times. It works two ways; 1 - the teachers are closely interacting with the biter and are able to determine his triggers so to prevent them in the future, 2 - the kids hate it because they're not free to do what they want. It worked with my daughter the first time they tried it, and she had been a cyclical biter for several months by then.

At home get some of the cute board books, I think one is called hands are not for hitting. There are several out there that address the topic for young toddlers. Good luck, and hang in there because regardless of what you do he will eventually grow out of it!

ETA - you might also look into teaching him some simple sign language to help express himself. We did this with my son when he and another boy were trading bites and figured out quickly he was biting because he was frustrated, when he learned to sign to the teacher the toy was 'mine' she was able intervene before he got frustrated.

I would yell, say ouch! and tell him that we don't bite, it hurts, and gives mama a boo-boo. My son's phase was really quick, but picked up while teething.

Sounds like your daycare people understand the most tried-and-true tool: "shadowing" the child in situations that are most likely to result in a bite, anticipating the bites yourself, being prepared to swoop in and lift the child away or calm/redirect overexcited behavior, is about the best thing to do.

Yes, it is surprisingly common, and my grandson has his little fling at daycare. Unfortunately, getting bitten does often result in kids who experiment with the same behavior. And unfortunately, as you discovered, it can happen REALLY fast.

With my grandson, his folks did lots of verbal reinforcement at the end of the day about not only NOT BITING SAM!!! but also congratulating him for the days that he didn't bite, for whatever reasons. They worked to give him other alternatives to biting, both words and behavior choices (bearing in mind that choice is a fleeting thing for young toddlers), and we reinforced everything with lots of puppet role playing.

Good luck. Most kids do get through this stage pretty quickly, but it is a tremendous source of anxiety to parents, whether your child is the bitee or the biter.

ADDED: I agree that showing concern and compassion for the injured child is a great thing to do. Kids get in touch with their capacity for compassion by seeing it modeled. But kids don't generally bite to "get attention" or "get their way." They bite in a moment of overexcitement, like a wound-up, nipping puppy, or in a flash of anger or frustration (Sam would take things away from my grandson, the daycare provider reported). Sometimes they are satisfying a curiosity, and a few such kids have sensory integration dysfunction and crave oral stimulation.

Depending on the impulse that prompted the bite in the first place, various punishments may help. Or they may simply make the problem worse. Or they may cause a frustration to go underground, only to pop up in a magnified or distorted form later on.

I "holler" at my son to get his attention by yelling "OUCH!" He's only 11 mos old, but even now it scares him and I get a big pouty lip from him - too cute. He's bitten me several times while nursing and I never yelled on purpose at first, but my reaction was enough to startle him. Now when he mouthes me or starts sucking on my arm I remind him, "No ouchies" or "No biting". It's enough to start the pouty lip, so I know he understands that a big OUCH from me might come next.

Obviously your son is learning how to deal with the world around him. He's learning that biting says he's angry. Or is a way to tell other people to STOP IT. As best you can, encourage him to "use his words". This is a process, so you'll find you say this a million times! LOL

If all else fails with your son and he continues to bite when he's angry, I learned with one older child that (gently) biting her back helped her to understand that biting hurts. She NEVER bit me again.

I realize some people will disagree and say that if you bite him it just teaches him that biting is ok. I think sometimes actions speak louder than words. And that with LITTLE kids, sometimes words are overwhelming, I liken it to Charlie Brown's teacher, I think all they hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH. Of course I always TRY to keep it simple and talk to them first. But if his biting persists or if he bites you REALLY hard, it think a little "bite" back definitely teaches them that it hurts and is "not nice".

I did have you laugh at your karma comment. We have already seen lots of mimicry with both good and bad behaviors from school. It's funny to hear it starting so early. It's going to happen for a LOOONG time to come. LOL

The most effective way to cure a biter without hitting or biting back, which most agree is not really an option, is to show exaggerated compassion for the victim and ignore the biter. This not only DOESN'T give him the attention he's seeking, it teaches him something. He learns that he caused pain, and he learns compassion and empathy by watching what happens to the victim. When you're the victim, your spouse can come rushing to your aid with dramatic compassion, while you play up the pain you're in. make it look like REAL pain. I've seen a biter actually burst into tears after watching us fawn over a bitee, or seeing his mommy cry. Not sure if it's because they were sorry for biting, or they knew they weren't going to get their way, but it worked. It may take a couple of times, but not many.