Friend Drama

She is what I call a "High Maintenance friend".. If you have time to fool with all of "her needs".. go for it, otherwise she is always going to be this way.

My sister is like this.. Everything is about her.. She takes everything said as though it is somehow criticizing her.. I am always asking her "how did you think this was about you, when I was just talking in general?"

Good friends do not act like this. I have friends, that we have been friends for 30+ years and NEVER had this type of drama go on. We all respect each other, love each other and trust each other.

If we are concerned about one another we tell each other, I am concerned about you because...

We never take it as a slight a dig or a criticism. We just know we do not think that way in the first place so why would we think that way about others.

My business partner and I have worked together in some of the most stressful situations, total disasters and never treated each other this way.

I think you may need to realize this person is depressed, self centered or is so critical of others, she cannot see past herself. It is her personality, so you either accept her this way, or you can let her know you do not think, you can please her enough to be the type of friend she needs.

She sounds very high maintenance and self centered. Honestly, I don't have time for friends like this in my life. True friends do not act like this. They take a lot of work and you have to walk on eggshells around them. I would move on...but always be polite to her.

Sometimes we have these really GREAT friends that we have wonderful moments with and then, for whatever reason, they are no longer close friends and those moments are just warm memories.......If you keep trying to fix it, when it seems broken, you will only erase all the warm memories of a friendship that was great when it was meant to be......I truly believe that people come into our lives for seasons....some stay much longer than others, but God gives us who we need when we need them and then it is time to move on. Just my thoughts......:)

This doesn't sound like the kind of friendship *anyone* wants or needs in their life. It sounds VERY one sided and like it's sucking the life out of you! I'd just say that you appreciate her reply, but you just don't have room in your life for all the drama.

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I think it is good that you are ready to distance yourself emotionally from her. Friendships shouldn't have to be so much work or have so many highs and lows. If I were you, I'd just respond that, "Sure we can still be casual friends," knowing that you won't be putting any effort into maintaining the friendship and, most likely, neither will she. There is no reason why the two of you can't be cordial to each other when you run into each other or if you to happen to be attending the same dinner party.

I agree with CT. Honestly, I'd tell her to kiss my left foot but if I"m going to agree with CT, I must be polite. LOL

Seriously, let it go. Don't reply at all. Honestly, it seems to me this is a friendship that was moving towards an end anyway. If I were you, just let it go. And if she wants to be casual friends, then when you see her keep it casual and light; no "planned casual outings". I'm sure you have better things to do with your time. ie, enjoy a shamrock shake today! That's should cheer you up!

I have had the same issue recently and unfortunately the husbands took the other stance - we don't care if you don't care, and none of us are friends any more. I could write a dissertation on the awful things she has done and the negativity. I am sincerely concerned for her that she is clinically depressed.
Anyway, it's over.
I don't really have any helpful wisdom for you, I wish I did. I just offer my support and hope that you guys can work it out. I try to accept people for what they are, but if they are so negative that I find myself healing from every visit, it's not worth it. It just isnt.

Take Care of yourself!!

My husband's best friend married a very passive agressive bully a couple of years before we got married (we have been married almost 12 years, so it has been a while). I tolerated her for a verylong time, she tried her best to interfere with our relationship and was at times successful. Men don't pick up on the mean, subtle ways that women will be rude to each other. About 9 years ago my husband actually saw what I saw, and stood behind me when I intentionally ended the friendship. It was difficult for my husband and his friend, who have barely spent any time together since (she is very demanding of her husband's time). I felt bad for the men, but it is the smartest thing I have ever done. Rid your life of toxic people and be free! New friendships and opportunities will come your way when you do.

Wow - she sounds like a head case.....

I guess it kind of depends on what your husband would like you to do? Does he still want to be friends with her husband and be able to do stuff as couples? If he does, surely you could suck it up every once in a while. When you are around her just keep things very "casual" just like she put it. There is no reason for you to invest any of your emotional energy in her. Just go out and have a good time and don't worry about her. Make small talk and chit chat and leave.....I know, easier said than done......

If your husband doesn't care to do things as a couple, then I would just not respond to her e-mail and move on with my life.......she is not worth wasting your time on!

Ever heard the saying "A Debbie Downer" or a "fairweather friend"?? I think you valued the relationship far more than she ever did. Otherwise this would not have played out the way it did. If she was "truly" your friend she could accept the things you had to say about her. A true friend is someone who supports another person no matter what. Such as I have a friend that cannot stand my husband. She talks bad about him everytime I see or speak to her. I left him at one time and she was all over it....yet when I decided to go back home I felt like she didn't support me and judged me for it. I have another friend who I have been friends with since the 4th grade and she has been there for me no matter what I decide to do. When this same friend decided she was going to "date" her ex-husband's brother I said nothing. Actually when she told me I already knew what she was about to tell me and I told her that it was her life and her decision-not mine. I also told her that I was not her judge. Sure I would have loved to see her go in a totally different direction but her happiness is all that matters. The other "mutual" friend did nothing but dog on this other friend of mine. Calling her an idiot-she was gross her kids were going to be f'd up-I mean the list could go on.....however I defended her and said everyone has a right to be happy and I'm not the judge of what she does but I am her friend. I have not talked to her sense and have come to realize that she is a negative person to have involved in my life and my life is just fine the way it is. It sounds like your "friend" here has some personal issues to deal with and I would even go so far to say she might even be jealous of you. I mean in your post it sounded as though you were making up excuses for her behavior and the fact of the matter is she needs to grow up and learn how to be a true friend. That is just my opinion though and if you truly value your relationship with her then by all means try to make amends with her but I have a feeling this relationship is going to be very toxic. Maybe you could re-enter the friendship on YOUR terms and maybe just be more of an aqaintance type friend rather than close girlfriends.....meaning keep your distance from her but make it a point to at least spend some sort of "time" with her. Whether its going out for dinner or drinks or something. Sounds like you have some soul-searching to do. God says we should love one another.....I don't agree with my one friend but I have never called her out on what she has done or the way I see her. I still treat her with respect, and a nice hello and let her talk about her life and how well she is but I don't engage into anything else anymore because I honestly do not consider her to be a positive reinforcement in my life....you would just have to know her to understand completely what I'm talking about. What I'm saying though is you can still love them and pray for them but keeping them at a distance from you....I try my best to display God's love to her and when she approaches the gossip circle of people I avoid it by changing the subject. It happens less and less now because she knows that I won't engage in on her gossip ring and talk about others behind their backs like I KNOW she does about ME. That is okay though because you know what-its MY life and I'm the one that has to live it-not her. Sorry for the lengthy post but I wanted to give you examples of what I have experienced and I bet when you really sit down to think about it you already know your answer but I think you are feeling pressured into this "friendship" so to say because of the hubby's relationship with her hubby....and I can't technically give any advice on this because honestly most of my hubbys friends aren't married or they are divorced so I don't have any first-hand experience with that.....but I think I would opt to schedule a night out with someone I enjoyed spending time with while he went out with them as long as the hubby made time for me too well then that would be okay with me. OR maybe ya'll could go somewhere like a concert where not much talking is involved-lol!

I'm dealing with a similar situation. I had to just let the friendship go. I wouldn't respond to her. Sometimes if there is too much drama and you never know what is expected, it's time to go our separate ways. I'm so sorry. I wish you the best.

She's depressed and nothing you say will be taken the way you say it. Depressed people find a way to twist even positive or neutral things into negative things and slightly negative things into very negative things. Since she is just a friend it's up to you if you want to put up with and deal with the fall-out from depression. It's not fun, it's taxing, and I can't say that things ever get better, but if they do then your friend may be very grateful that you stuck by her in a tough time.

She sounds emotionally manipulative and immature, and it sounds like you would be a lot happier without her in your life. I think you should tell her that you are hurt that she wouldn't take your apologies seriously and that you are hurt that she didn't want to try and patch things up with you; then I think you should take a break from this friendship. Maybe after some time has passed you could become "casual" friends and try to build the relationship up again (if she decides to stop being an immature, high-maintenance friend), but it sounds like you need a break from it first. Things like this are never easy, though, so good luck!

I think sometimes you get to a point in a friendship when sadly, things are just too far gone. I think this is one of those times. You've tried many more times that most people would have to salvage this friendship. I think I would respond "I wish you well, but no thank you." And that is it. I'd be cordial of course, when meeting up with her by circumstance, but no more.

In order for me to give an opinion, I would need more info, like what she claims you did to her in the past that hurt her. You called them "misunderstandings." I would need to know what kind of misunderstandings occurred in order to give my opinion. However, I will say that from the information you provided, she seems very immature and high maintenance, but again, I don't know what you "did" to her in the past.

She is obviously holding a grudge, and doing so in a way to make you shoulder the burden of what went wrong. Nothing in your description indicates that she voluntarily assumed any responsibility for friendship going wrong...frankly, if women are friends, there is a tendency to find something to apologize for as well, because everyone always could have done something to make a situation a bit better in retrospect, and friends try to bolster each others feelings. All of it is being dumped on you...it sounds the woman is fairly self-centered. Just ignore her toxic energy, and move on. You have reached out so much, and can't do much more. Everything she is doing suggests a friendship would be unpleasant. Don't talk about the past? Please, then what basis is there for a friendship? She sounds juvenile or unstable.

Sorry but you guys need to break up for good. Why would you keep putting yourself through this? Let your husbands be friends and get together without you guys.

Let her go. You should not have to try sooooo hard to be a friend if she was truly a friend to YOU. My personal motto is Id rather have a few close amazing friends than lots of so-so ones who cast a shadow of doubt. :)

This sounds really complicated and I'd be tempted to throw my hands in the air and give up on the friendship. But since you called her your best friend and your husbands are best friends, the relationship might be worth one more attempt to find out why she can't forgive you.

Of course, your friend may have her own issues that make her unable to accept your apology. But I've found that sometimes I don't give an effective apology, even when I am truly sorry, and that leaves an unspoken awkwardness. I think I've apologized but my friend is still offended.

My problem is that I talk too much and try to explain why I did those things and how I didn't mean it, instead of really listening to the other person. So this is the format I've been trying to follow, from Randy Pausch in his Last Lecture: "Proper apologies have three parts: 1) What I did was wrong. 2) I’m sorry that I hurt you. 3) How do I make it better?"

Good luck. You sound like a caring friend. I hope you can work things out or at least know you've done all you can and feel at peace about it.

Hard to say without knowing what she's claiming you did. You must have really hurt her feelings on some very deep level. Maybe it just can't be repaired?

Why not try being casual friends and go out for dinner or drinks? A similar situation went on with one of my very good friends and myself. We didn't see each other for a year or more and then we did start out casual and rebuilt out relationship over time.

I found that rehashing the misunderstandings over and over, which we did try, doesn't iron anything out. It just brings up the old feelings anew.

I don't understand how this friendship can thrive when she asks you not to bring up the past. Huge elepant in the room, if you accept to meet her for drinks. I believe in " airing out all your dirty laundry" before a friendship can continued. Otherwise, it will always seem uncomfortable. If she truly wants to be your friend she will listen, and both if you will come to an agreement, along with both sides apologizing. She needs to be an adult and also be responsible for how's she's treated you. That what true friend does, in my own opinion. :)