Free Spirit 5 Year Old Loves to Wander the Neighborhood.

I'd compromise and put high locks on all the doors but possibly leave one open if you were in the same room. I would also punish her every time she left. I'm not 100% against spanking but maybe grounding her (on outside play time for the rest of the day at least) or taking away a favorite toy for a while will get her attention. It also sounds like she is bored. Is there any kind of summer activity you can put her in? Some towns have free or very inexpensive ones. Also, I have been doing sticker charts for my kids who are 3 and 6. It hasn't fixed every behavior issue but it is helping a bit on the 1 or 2 things I have focused on to change first.

I'd say at five I'd be quick to notice my child was not in the house. At five she can learn about consequences and should not need a lock on the door unless she is special needs. Tell her she now has to let you know what room she is at all times, keeping you updated as she moves from room to room. Sounds like she is very unsupervised and cannot handle being unsupervised. If she was a two yr old who put things in her mouth constantly you would have to watch her closely to keep her safe, this is the same. Why does she keep leaving the house? Maybe she is bored. maybe she is lonely. Does she have a routine? A place to play? a swing set to attract her to her own back yard? Give her less freedom for a few months, keep her busy in her house, and give her a timeout if she leaves the house without permission. Again if she has learning problems I would use the lock to keep her safe, but she is old enough to learn IF there are any rules and consequences in her house.

One more thing.

Do you get MAD when it happens? Is there anger and importance in your voice?

It's ok to get mad at our kids from time to time. Especially when there's DANGER. I mean you don't want to go flying off the handle at every little thing, but this is a BIG DEAL.

If my 5 yo did this even once I'd be up in her face, I'd be MAD. She would not like my reaction. If it happened AGAIN, I would likely hold a grudge in addition to being MAD. Kids do not like the cold shoulder.

If your household just continues on it's merry pleasant day to day after this happens, she has no VERY negative associations with the deed. And time outs just do not work for every child.

I'm not suggesting being physical of course, you shouldn't ever need too. But I would think it's time to get PISSED OFF.

Good Luck and enjoy her, she sounds like a really fun kid!!! Might be time for gymnastics class too I think.

:)

This is a major safety issue, so I would break out the corporal punishment on this one. Her life is at stake and there needs to be no question in her mind that this is unacceptable.

Also, until she gets the message, she should not be outside unattended at all, for any length of time. She must be - and stay - with you or mommy.

I would do the high lock to prevent her from leaving the house. You can always unlock it at night (after she's in bed) if you would need to leave the house in an emergency.

I think the combo of these three things would be effective. I know it's hard, but you would never forgive yourself if something happened to her.

High lock - the lesser of 2 evils.

Are there any consequences for her behavior? You didn't list any, so if there aren't any, it's no surprise she keeps on doing it. You are the parent, you say what's what.

I am not normally big on spanking, but my daughter would be getting major butt whoppings for doing something so unsafe.

Ditto Theresa N! My kids were usually the most affected by my reaction when they were little. Since I was a pretty easy going mom most of the time, and they were pretty well behaved kids, it was a rare thing for them to see me REALLY angry, and let me tell you, it WAS effective!
Of course now that they are teenagers it has no effect whatsoever <sigh>
Good luck, I hope you figure something out!

you've got a lot of good answers so i won't reiterate 'em, just add one suggestion. having been a wandering soul myself as a child (and having the good fortune to be allowed to do so in a different world), i can sympathize with your daughter.
maybe she needs a secret garden.
can you create a place outside for her, that's her magic place to go? plant some bushes in a circle, with her very own super special private place inside? maybe with a chair and a table. or a playhouse. or an umbrella. or a box.
kids love to have their own worlds. maybe if she has somewhere in your yard that she's ALLOWED to go she'll stop wandering off your property.
i'd hate to see those faerywings get clipped.
khairete
S.

I would also do the high lock for now. The likelihood that she will be unable to get out if she needs to is so low. You know for certain that she will leave the house if she isn't locked in.

I'm curious what sort of discipline you have tried. You only mention the alarms that notify you when she does leave the house. The main reason I ask is that in your title you call her a "free spirit," which indicates to me a certain amount of... I don't want to say "permissiveness" but maybe a fond ruefulness whereas I personally would be furious if my five-year-old left the house without my permission. I'm not saying you need to fly off the handle at her, but five years old is definitely old enough to understand the safety risks from wandering alone in one's neighborhood. I think you might need to step it up a little as far as letting her know how unacceptable you find this behavior.

Also, if she is trespassing or damaging other people's property, that's obviously a concern too. If she's in school right now, I might ask the school about possibly bringing a police officer in to talk about ways to keep yourself safe. Maybe hearing it from an outside authority figure will make the message sink in a little better.

We have a chain lock on the front door where the slide part goes up and down instead of sideways. We put a key lock in the top part of it and carry the key in our pocket all the time.

The windows have screws in them so he can't open them and crawl outside.

His safety is most important.

I know that if we had a fire we would be caught inside. We do have several smoke detectors in the house and hopefully we'd have enough warning to get out.

Sometimes we put the lock on the slide part and don't lock it. He looks at it and doesn't realize it's not locked, just hooked like it's locked. We do lock it at night every night.

It sounds like you have a Houdini on your hands. I'd add the knobs that cover the door (they have them for lever handles as well) - yes she can get past it, but it may slow her down. I'd have the high up locks, the alarms and strict punishment for leaving without being accompanied by an adult. Be consistent with the punishment...find something that affects her. I'd also be much more vigilant about watching her. This post sounds like she wanders the neighborhood aimlessly all the time.

I can understand the resistance to higher locks, but hopefully this is just a temporary thing. You have to weigh the risks. Yes there may possibly be a fire or need for a speedy exit. Maybe. You know that she is definitely going to walk out the door if given five minutes alone.

We have a pool in our back yard. Like your daughter, both of our children liked to leave as soon as they figured out the doors. This was terrifying with our pool out back. We had to nip it in the bud asap. It started with turning on the chimes to our doors, getting knob covers and closing out doggie door when we weren't in the living room area. For a short while we did have to put a lock up high. There are several choices for safety locks, even for glass sliding doors. Google it and you are sure to find something. You'll be upset if a neighbor gets fed up and calls the police or CPS and you have that deal with. Worse yet, you'll never forgive yourself if she got hurt.

The high lock would be my choice, I think.

One thought I had though--she probably has no idea how scared/worried you might be by having her go out on her own, and no real understanding of the dangers, at least in a visceral sense. So, my thought was to give her that visceral feeling of fear (no to hurt her but to create more empathy & understanding) in a SAFE way. Either try this: If you know she will be coming home after her wanders, make sure the house is empty (you in a nearby place, maybe with a baby monitor set up in the house so you can hear her enter) and your cars are moved out of sight (parked down the block). When she comes in and sees no one is home and starts to get upset/worried, then you can "come back" and explain what you did and why. Or, if you don't know that she'll come back from her wanderings on her own, you could set if up for a similar occurrence but for when she is coming back from a planned excursion, maybe?

My mom told me that when she and my dad were early into their married life, my dad would occasionally go out with his buddies after work for a drink, and sometimes not come home until very late, and would not call or let her know that he was coming home late or exactly where he was. At the time, my mom had 2 little ones under 2, and she really worried about him a lot. Anyway, my dad, not the most empathetic guy sometimes, "didn't get it." Well, one evening my mom went out for a rare girls night out, and lost track of time and forgot to call. When she got home and my dad said to her "I was really worried about you," she apologized, and said she wouldn't do it again, and then calmly said, "But at least now you understand how I feel when you forget to call." My dad never forgot to call after that if he was going to be late. :) Maybe something like a staged "wake-up call" could help your daughter?

1) Even with alarms on the door, which will tell you she has attempted to get out... she CAN still get out the door. Even if the alarm sounds off. Thus, she can still "escape" to who knows where. And kids can run fast, and "hide" too. So, that is also a danger. By the time you hear the door-alarm... and you run to the door, she could already have gone outside and left... the property or premises etc. Thus, to me, this is not enough of a preventative measure.

2) You might just have to, decide between which is worse: keeping the door alarms, but in which she can STILL get out and end up who knows where. OR.... put door locks/latches up HIGH on the doors, with a key lock. And then she cannot get out. And she will still be inside.

3) You said, she doesn't "go running into the street..." or anything like that... BUT she WANDERS around the neighborhood and into other people's property and premises. And even breaks other people's screens and knocks on other people's windows etc. SO.. that is still, dangerous. It doesn't matter that she does not "go running" into the streets. She STILL WANDERS and does things to other people's premises. It is still, highly dangerous, for her. What if, she happens to end up in someone's yard, and they grab her?

I think, you need to do what is the immediate need: put locks high up on the door.... even with a key lock. So that she cannot get out. Because, nothing right now, even the door-alarms, are not working. That is just a sound signal. But if you are not fast enough to get to the door, she can still get out.
And meanwhile, she is not comprehending, the concept of how this is dangerous, and how dangerous the "potential" of her wanderings, are.

4) Per the sliding glass door with plastic frame: try going to your hardware or home improvement store, and ASK them, what can be used on it, to secure it???? Ask them. OR... you might very well HAVE to, replace that screen sliding door, with something else... in order to provide better security.

There are 2 solutions:
1) do the immediate installations of high up locks on the doors & replace that sliding glass door.
2) Get her evaluated. Nothing right now, punishments or talking to her is working. And even if she starts to understand... it will take TIME. And meanwhile, she will STILL be getting out of the house and wandering... and who knows what trouble or danger, might happen as a result of her wandering. So for me, potential trouble outside the home due to her wandering... is more dangerous than putting locks high up on the doors.
So choose, which one you can live with or not.

If she is socially aware, what about showing her how much her disappearance upsets you? My son bolted in a department store when he had just turned 3. I had them shut the place down, bolt doors etc, and everyone was so helpful. Longest 12 minutes of my life. When he was found (and after I thanked those who helped) I took him to the car, strapped him in his carseat and cried. (I think this is the only time he has ever seen me cry) I explained why his actions made me so scared and sad. It really shook him up and he has never done anything like it since.

I hope you find something that works for your family. Good luck!

Why not have ADT install alarms on all doors/windows of your home? Usually equipment and installation are free and you sign up for 2 yrs of monitoring at $30 per month - you can have a chime set to alert you any time any door is opened. Additionally, there would be a HARD rule of asking for permission EVERYTIME she goes outside, whether you know where she is or not, and a swift/firm consequence IMMEDIATELY when she doesn't ask. Also, I'd install a high lock/latch on every door - I'd be more concerned with a KNOWN danger than a remote danger such as a fire.

You might also implement something as simple as a stop sign. STOP and ask first. It was used on one of those parenting shows to remind a young boy with Downs Syndrome to stop and ask before going outside.

I do think you need to have her evaluated to make sure something else isn't going on. I realize that some kids are more persistent than others, but what you describe seems like she has no sense of property, personal space, or boundaries. She just goes out whenever she wants. Is it that she can't comprehend it or that the consequences tried have no effect? What have you tried? If time out and taking toys doesn't work, what does she like (other than wandering around)? Can you take away time with those friends? If she goes and they call and you didn't know she left, you collect her and keep her home?

If you don't do a deadbolt with a key, you can try a chain or bar higher up than she is likely to reach.

Have you had her tested for Autisim?

Also not to be picky or mean but "wives" is wife plural --- wife's is one wife possive.

We went with the high up bolt on the front door and it has served us well. I would say in your situation that the risks of her getting out of the house far outweigh the risk of a fire.
Also, most of the houses where we live have a tall fence all the way around them. All we had to do was put a padlock on the outside of the gate. No worries about any of the other doors.

Have you considered getting ADT that will monitor at night for you?

Looks like you got some good answers. Honestly to me it seems she may be bored. Some kids need more structured activities than others. Perhaps you can set up a routine for each day. You can use pictures if she can't read yet. When you wake up this is your first activity, etc. You can even leave something out for her to do if you are sleeping in a bit, and then praise her tremendously when she completes it. These could be special art activities, involving paper/crayons/glue, etc. Can she be trusted with a child scissors? If not pre-cut things for her. After the craft, have breakfast set out for her or a snack, and then reading time, where she can look through a book and tell you about it later. There are dozens of activities you could set up on a daily basis to keep her too busy to think about going outside. It will take some planning on your part, but might keep her happier indoors. I too worry about locks and fire, and changed my bolts to ones my kids can undo, used to be keyed ones. But my kids don't have the problem of going outside unsupervised. You mentioned going to a friends house, if this is without previous consent from you, you need to treat it like any other time she leaves. At her age if it is okay for her to leave the house to go to a friends house without your consent it is okay for her to go anywhere. It is the linear thinking of this age. So if she is asking to go out to the neighbors she needs to understand she needs to ask anytime she leaves the house. For me and my kids, they are 4 and 7, they cannot go to a neighbors house alone. I would need to walk them there even if it is next door. So perhaps the rules need to change with regard to leaving the house, that she can never leave alone, or at the very least she needs to ask permission before leaving. And it is okay to say no and give her another option. Maybe spend some time playing games with her, or teaching her something you enjoy. Good luck it sounds like a difficult and frustrating situation.

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