Feeling Really Down

E.,

I can completely understand where you are right now. I too am a working mom and carry the financial burden, and can relate to EVERYTHING else you are saying. My daughter is 17mo old. now. I had many a day I cried on the way to work because I felt like I wasn't spending as much time with my daughter as I wanted to and when she clings to me as I try to get out the door, it only made it worse. As much as I agree that you need to get your partner to help more/get a grip on YOUR emotional needs, I also know that adding that battle to your load is probably more that you need right now.

As nonhelpful as this may sound, one thing I had to do was just change my perspective. I realized that I was doing the best that I could, that my daughter was happy and loved, that I was supporting my family and that would teach my daughter the value of work. I was fortunate in these times to have a job that allowed me to take care of her and put a roof over our heads. No life isn't the same as it was before baby, but I am so happy and blessed to have her. I have a co worker who has been trying for years to have a baby and can't so I realized that I needed to appreciate all that having a baby brought to my life. I spend whatever time I can with her and if the house isnt clean or the laundry has to wait a day, then I don't sweat it. I fit those things in when I can/when she is napping or after she sleeps at night. I include her when I can to "help" me (and sometimes dumping out the clean towels onto the floor and watching her jump into them and laugh inspires me to enjoy every moment I can with her). I dont sweat the small stuff anymore. I step over her toys if I dont feel like picking them up. I also found someone in the area that could sit with my daughter and let me get out and do a few things I wanted to do, but I realized that I would rather be spending time with my daughter and couldnt' wait to get home.

I am sorry this probably didn't help much, but please know that you are not alone. Never forget that you ARE an amazing mom and doing a great job caring for your family. Best wishes to you and your family.

E.

My heart goes out to you. I know what those days are like but, believe it or not it will pass. You don't have anyone to talk to and the one you do talk to can't talk back. The demands are so overwhelming that you feel even guilty of sitting down and having a cup of coffee. I am here to tell you it is ok. Have a cup of coffee call a friend. or just get a little chat in on line once in a while. These days will go by and you'll wonder why you were so upset. I'd like to tell you about something t hat I take though. It is called Bliss. It's not something that will make you feel loopy but it sure helps with stress. For me it gives me a better outlook on life and helps me cope. Right now I'm going through my own stress for different reasons

just wondering if you have talked to your doctor? It could be post partium depression on top of all the stress. I am not an advocate for any kind of meds but your doctor can help you understand all that is going on if this is a problem. If you need meds- ok or maybe some vitamins or natural, homeopathic help.
I understand how you feel. I am blessed to now be a stay at home mom but I worked 60 hours a week usually from the time my son was born, through a 2 child and until about 7 months after my 3rd was born. My days off were spent cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. It was actually easier before my husband and I were married (he is military and I didn't want to move so didn't marry until our son was over 2) when I didn't have to worry about other people as much. I came home and played with my son- eventually I would get to house work but he always came first. It was harder when I had to worry about keeping house for him and still trying to get quality time with my children.
If you need help and your husband is not giving it to you ask someone else. Do you have family who would be willing to come over and help with housework so you could spend at least one full day a week just being wife and mom- not cook, maid, laundry doer(?other name?LOL) etc. I know asking for help is hard but sometimes you need to for your own sanity and the happiness of your family.
Talking to your husband is something you most constantly do- but don't be accusing or blaming. Explain how you feel not what he isn't doing. It is hard for a husband to adjust to not being your sole interest, love and desire. You have to cut him some slack but he needs to know what you are going through too.
It is ok if the house isn't perfectly clean, you are not cooking full homecooked meals and you are behind on laundry- don't sweat it. Invest in your child, your self and your husband as much time and love as you can, all the other stuff will wait! Also- see if there are ways you can cut back in your budget that you could possibly cut back some hours at work. Even little things like lowering cell phone plan minutes to save $20 a month or getting rid of cable- don't have time to watch tv anyway- will have you be able to maybe ask for an extra afternoon off a week. I don't know your job but many or looking to pay less so your employer may be willing to work with you to figure out how to get you at home more- as long as your work is still getting done. I worked for a chiropractor office and would type up all exam and xray notes and findings. After a while I was able to ask if I could bring the stuff home to do- i was paid less then if I was in the office doing it but was home a whole lot more. That was not my only job so I still had to be there 3 12 hour days but it cut down on the half days I was working to do this extra stuff.
Hope this helps :)

Hi E.,

I have learned in my 50 years that if we do not take care of ourselves then no one else will. First, tell hubby you already have one baby and to step up and help you rather then add to your stress. Being a working mom must be very difficult, I worked from home when my kids were small so I can only imagine how you must feel. Remember the time you spend with your baby is precious no matter how long it is each day. Its the quality not the quantity. If you can get a cleaning lady in they are not that expensive and cut back somewhere else if you have to it will be a lifesaver. Also, make a night out for you and hubby, go out after the baby is sleeping you will not miss out on any time with him and you and hubby can just decompress and keep your marriage going. It doesn't have to be every week but you should give as much attention to your marriage as you do your young family. If you do not start taking care of yourself you will begin to become resentful of everything around you, husband, job, etc. You are a young new mom and it is perfectly normal for you to feel like you do so do not beat yourself up about it. Try not to be superwoman I did it for a very big part of my life and it really does take a toll. Just take a deep breath and take one day at a time. When you look at the whole picture it can be overwhelming. Take care you will be in my thoughts!!

I'm sorry you are going through this. If it helps, most new moms feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Unfortunately, the message we hear is that we can have it all, and that everyone should be a supermom. Well in reality, no one can burn the candle at both ends without burning out. Something has to give.

Is there something your husband can do to help? Pick and choose what is most important - playing with the baby or paying bills? So what if the dishes and laundry pile up? Most of us will tell you that our houses are a mess once we have kids. Also hack out an hour a week (at the bare minimum) to go do something restorative for yourself - lunch date, long walk, writing in your journal. Good luck and hang in there.

I have no time to write but I have to chime in. I am a full-time working mother of 2 that feels the same way. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Hang in there. Try and figure out ways to make your life easier (the online banking is true and - if you have it in your area - things like online grocery delivery is worth it!). Exercise, if you can find the time, is great. But tell your husband - communication here is key. It could absolutely be post-partum (I'm medicated now) but regardless, it IS all hard to fit in. You both need to pitch in and hopefully he will be willing to share the burdens - parenthood changes everything....and not just for the mother. Best of luck.

Hi E.,

I'd suggest going to your physician and have your blood tested - Vitamin D level, magnesium, and whatever else your physician may be concerned with.

I felt lousy too. My vitamin D level was low and I also had anemia.

I also suggest going for a family 1/2 hour walks, before/after supper and on weekends. Tell your husband it is doctor's orders! ; ) Hopefully he's around to help get dinner on the table.

Good luck,
: ) Maureen

Wow - you have so much in your post. I can understand why you are stressed, with all the workload and the financial burden. I don't understand why you are doing most of the cooking and cleaning and laundry and bill-paying, however. Your husband needs to get a grip and help out I think. I agree with a prior post that you can let your standards down a bit - the house doesn't need to be spotless, and it will never be completely neat again until your child goes to college. Just accept it! Put a big basket in the playroom where you can dump toys, or get one of those shelf units with colored bins, and semi-sort the toys into bins. Cars in one, stuffed animals in another, and so on. For my son, I put photos on the bins so he could "help" put stuff in the right one without needing to read.

Forget the 2nd floor or the family wing of a ranch house - don't worry about making beds, for example. Who cares? List the essential chores (laundry, grocery shopping) and DIVIDE it with your husband, or set aside a part of the weekend to cook for the week TOGETHER. Double quantities and make one meal to eat and one to freeze for next week. If you can afford it, let the supermarket help you out by buying a cooked chicken instead of cooking your own, for example. Schedule 2 half-days a month for YOU - like every other Saturday afternoon where your husband and son do "Daddy" stuff and you go relax, go to a movie alone (it's incredibly fun!), get a manicure, whatever helps you. Then schedule a date night with your husband without your son so that you two have undivided time together. Don't talk about your son when you are out together - it's hard, but it's a great strategy. Your son is entitled to a happy and healthy mother, so don't feel guilty about being away a few hours a month. And your husband will gain more sympathy for what's involved in child care if he does more. See if you can negotiate with him - if he handles laundry and the dishes, you'll cook and food shop, and you'll have more time and more energy for him. It's not your job to keep him happy any more than it's his job to keep you happy. Having a child is a huge adjustment for a relationship and it's okay if your relationship evolves a bit.

Keep up with the counseling, and ask your therapist to help you develop some strategies to make these concerns into actionable items.

I really want to caution you about following the advice of the other post which suggested you go to a health food store and ask the clerk what stuff you should take! Megadosing with a single nutrient/vitamin (or a combination of 2) has been absolutely discounted - people get themselves in all kinds of trouble by taking an isolated vitamin. Just because something is "all natural" doesn't mean it's good for you - just ask emergency room personnel! I mean, arsenic and poisonous toadstools and snake venom are "all natural" but they aren't safe! I just took a friend to the hospital because she took "natural" sleep aids, and she wound up spending thousands of dollars in care. The cardiologist just about exploded when she found out what my friend had done to herself.

You also don't really know where most of these supplements are made - many are made outside the country and then sold to distributors in the US. If some of those pills from different companies look the same, it's because they are! Different companies just slap their labels on them and there is no regulation at all. If you do anything nutritionally, make sure it's a US company with patents, balanced nutrition (not a single nutrient in isolation), and LIQUID supplements for higher absorption. Health food clerks have little or no training, don't always know much, and their job is to push the items with the highest profit margin for their stores. I'd recommend Reliv, a food science company with multiple awards, a stellar FDA inspection, and approval in other countries with very strict regulations (far more than the US). Go to www.reliv.com, look at the clinical studies and the business press showing how ethical they are, and look at the great work their charitable foundation does. I can give you more info on the newest clinical trials, and show you how they are changing lives. Very respected company, and my family's health and my own clinical depression have been absolutely turned around thanks to their products. I'd be happy to share more of my story if you are interested.

Are you sure you dont have postpartum??? One of my girlfriends is just like what you describe of yourself. She is now on medication for it and is doing alot better. Talk to your doctor and find out if you are, and what you can do about it. :)

*Hugs*

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make sure your family is taken care of.
I understand completely about hating having to work and feeling like you aren't spending any time with your son, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It really sounds to me like your husband needs to step it up a notch. Sit down with him, let him know how you're feeling without raising your voice or fighting about it. If he doesn't listen, or chooses to say things like, "you're causing me stress" or "you don't support me enough", then perhaps you need to think about another option such as separating. A marriage is about working things out TOGETHER and if one of you is needing more time with the son and less hours at work, then the other needs to pick up the slack and pull a little more weight in that area.
Please know that I am there for you and here to talk to. I'm currently unemployed (I got laid off right before I was about to go back from maternity leave) and so money is super tight in our house, but it's doable and I feel very blessed to be home with our son, even if we don't own our own house right now and I can't buy all the newest things out there.
It also sounds like postpartum depression, and if it is then your husband needs to be aware of this and support YOU and be interested more in YOU.
Hope this helps,
-V

I completely understand. I too, am a full time working mom, who 2 years after my son was born, still cries sometimes when I drop him off at day care. Someone once told me that dropping them off doesn't get any easier, you just get used to it. I also hate that I have to work now and don't feel like I have any work/life balance. But it's a necessity so I try and push those thoughts out of my mind (easier said than done sometimes). It's very hard juggling being a wife, mother and worker all in the same day (sometimes in the same hour). There are a few things that I try to do/tell myself that maybe will help you too.

1. Your son will remember the time you spend with him (regardless of how much or how little), not that the dishes were done or the beds were made.
2. Exercise. Try and fit it in when your son's napping or do it with your husband if you can. You can either make it about time for yourself and turn it into an activity for the two of you. And set yourself a realistic goal of how many times you want to exercise during the week so that you feel like it's not eating up all of your "free" time but you still feel like you're doing something for you.
3. Turn your mind off at a certain point each night. After we put our son to be at 8, my husband does what he needs to do and I do what I need to do until 9/9:30. At that point, we meet up in the living room, have a cup of tea and spend some time together (talking, watching tv, doesn't matter). It's usually only a 1/2 hour, but we know that this is our time, so we try to make the most of it. It's not easy to do every night, but maybe it's worth a shot.
4. Online banking - If you're not doing it already, it should save you some time when you have to pay the bills.
5. Try and incorporate your son into some of the chores you find yourself doing. Like if you're cooking dinner, set him up on a blanket with a pot to bang on and a wooden spoon to chew on. Or if you're doing laundry, teach him to help you drop clothes in the washer or let him play with the laundry basket while you're folding clothes on the floor. (Then worry about putting the clothes away when he's asleep). Even though he's not playing with an "educational toy" he's still getting exposure and learning things.

Good luck!

I hesitated to respond because learning to become a family after having been a couple is one of the most difficult challenges you'll face with your husband. You have to reconfigure your relationship because now there's this new person involved.
I went through the same kind of thing. For me the answer involved working less, getting an au pair to care for my child, learning to do with less financially. I traded money for time. It also involved reassessing my role in the family, and coming to terms with the fact that my expectations were not going to be what the reality was.
It's really a question of what will work. Once you dispense with the fairy tale, you can figure out what's important to you. Your husband has to understand that your son needs you more right now (and needs your husband also), but that doesn't mean that your relationship with your husband is not important. Your husband will still be there when your son has grown (although I know that sounds so-o-o-o-o far away right now.)
Also keep in mind that even if you figure it out for now, there will be constant renegotiating until your son is out of the house because needs change.
One thing I know you need right now is support. It's good that you're in counseling, and I see that a number of responses offered their support. I'm giving you my ear also. Please contact me if you need to talk either via online chat, e-mail or even the old fashioned way!

Hi E., I am not in the same situation as you are but I feel terrible hearing your story. I can't help but think your husband needs to do alot more to relieve some of the burden for you and stop being so selfish. Maybe couples counseling would be better?

Not that you have spare time but a little bit of therapy for you and your husband might do the trick. I know therapy carries a stigma with it sometimes but I believe everyone out there could benefit from it.

Also, my husband and I (26 year old parents of a 6 month old), recently switched over to droid phones to improve our communication and scheduling. I can lay out a realistic schedule for everything work, "chores", "me-time" and "us-time" included, and he can upload it on his phone. He puts his schedule in the phone and I can upload it. This helps us utilize free time more effectively, thereby giving us more time to spend with our little guy. It sounds time consuming, but everything synchs with gmail and google and it works really well for us. This might help bring to light just how much you are doing and maybe encourage him to take a little off of your plate in order to spend some QT with you.

Last but not least, make time for yourself... even if it means physically bubbling it in. Yoga is my personal favorite. It provides stress relief and physical stimulation. It sounds like no one is going to do that for you. Your husband and baby NEED you to be their rock and when you're stressed you can't do it well.

In case you have a commute to work, I STRONGLY recommend downloading "Little Earthquakes."

Remember: You are NOT alone.

I have walked a mile in your shoes. If you are in counseling and it is not helping then you should find another counselor. You need to be honest with yourself about what is bothering you. I sense resentment in your post that you are not a SAHM? If that is the source of the trouble, can you consider a part-time job? If it is financially not possible then you need to accept that this is your situation and you need to value the little time you do have with your son as sacred and work on the other problems. If it is time for yourself that you need, perhaps you can take some accrued time off during the week - talk to your boss about possibly taking off one hour a week or every other week for yourself (no errands, no housework, just whatever makes you relax). I also get the sense that when you are home, you feel like the primary caretaker of the house and family. You need to get your husband to help. If you don't you will only become more resentful of him and your marriage will crumble. Even if you need to teach him how to cook one meal - every Wednesday (or whatever) will be his night to do that one meal. Divide cleaning into tasks or rooms - you do dusting and he does floors or you do kitchen and he does living room. On the weekends, you should consider a schedule where you have time alone with your son and your husband can have a break and then reverse the roles. Finally, it is valid for your husband to share his feelings with you. In fact, you should consider yourself lucky to have a husband that discusses his feelings. That does not mean you need to feel responsible for them. In stead you should generate a dialogue and tell him that you feel overwhelmed and you need his support too - you need to tell him that you can fulfill his needs when your own needs are not being met. I wish you the best of luck. You are still transitioning on becoming a family - it does get easier.

I know how you feel. I felt/feel the same way. I work full time an hour away from home and have 2 young boys, 3 years and 15 months. The pressures did not hit me until my youngest was about 10 months old. I had a hard time figuring out what to do to be happy again. my kids make me happy, but that was about it. I did not want to be on drugs. I finally grew some balls and told my husband "look, i cannot do everything around the house. I need some help and I need some time to myself to regroup." he completely agreed, but of course it took me saying something to get it done. My house is not immaculate. It stays as picked up as possible. I do spend time with my boys, not as much as I would like, but I do know now more than ever that it is very important to spend some time with yourself. Exercise, that always makes me feel good. A brisk walk, or a class at the community center. Something to clear your mind of all your duties for 1/2 hour to an hour at least once a week to start. I really wanted to take a muay thai kickboxing class, but we can't afford it, but the orientation I had for it with all the punching helped out on a lot of the stress. It felt great. Try punching something. Reading also helps me de-stress. Even if you can only sneak away for 15 minutes, do something where you are not thinking of your life. Get lost in a cheap romance. My new year's resolution was to find something to make me happy, and I am truly trying to do that. I do go back and have my "lost" moments, but I try to write a list of goals I want to attain to get out of it. I know it's a lot easier said than done to find time for yourself, especially since you do most everything around the house, but it is a world of change to just steal a few minutes to yourself. My husband does the dishes, he complains about most of them, but he does them. I just tune him out. He also will wash the laundry without being asked most times. And often I make deals with him to clean the bathroom. Just asking him to help take on some responsibility is a big help. I truly hope you get out of your "funk" as i called it soon. Enjoy the beautiful spring days. take your son out for walks in the stroller in the evening. the fresh air always helps i think. being couped up inside all winter does not help the "lost/depressed" feeling. Good luck to you.

I'm sure lots of people will respond to you! At least you know the balance is wrong, and are willing to try something to figure it out. I also have the same schedule as you, i see my daughter one hour in the morning (getting her and me ready both, not quality time) and one hour in the evening. My husband I see after she goes to bed and it is not much for quality time either (eating, email, other normal things you have to do). We look forward to quality weekend time together, doing family things. It is hard to plug back into pre-baby relationship, it won't be the same but it's important to try. It seems as if the only time we have together is fleeting, and not as connected as it used to be mentally and physically due to the daily pressures.

It's good that your husband cares, I've found that although we eat late (btw 8-9p) that's the only time we can have a real conversation. When we're done we don't jump up, but keep talking till we have gotten all the important stuff out ouf the way. My hub counts on that time so that we are paying attention and focused on each other. I also get chastised for not hearing him or listening to him (because I multitask), and he's right.

I don't have an answer for you exactly, but know that many of us are in the same boat. We give and give and give. It also makes us LOVE those few and far between moments shopping for an hour alone, or planting a garden while the baby naps. Make sure as spring approaches that you get away from the house/routine and do something as a family at least once a weekend. Don't overschedule your weekends either with parties and obligations, that will only exacerbate the situation. Make sure you have one weekend a month with NO PLANS. We have found that this helps our relaxation and family time together. If you can find another person you trust to watch your baby, do date night (or even a few hrs on an afternoon) once a month if possible.

Hope that helps!

I hope that you have had the answers you are looking for. I can relate to Kristina G. but I am a SAHM. Let me tell you even as a sahm, I feel as though there isn't enough time in the day, and after reading your response, I might do a lot of what your husband does to my own husband.
Being at home all the time isn't easy either, I feel trapped sometimes, my husband and I don't have the quality time together that we need and I nag because I just want some help. It sometimes feels as though it (whatever it is) is never enough. My husband is a great guy but men do not advertise there feelings and most times wont ask for help because they are programmed to be self suficient, though they can't multi task well. I wish men would be more considerate and caring. They should show it more, it would carry far:)
I'm sure you are doing great, keep up the work and communication. Sometimes just a couple minutes to yourself to close off the world and the train of thought helps considerably as well. Good luck!
I thought one child was hard, not that you should do this, but after having the second child, the family dynamic kicked in.

I had the same thing and I had to let things go.I would start on a good overall vitamin and a dosages of stress b vitamins to calm your nervous system
go to a healthfood store and talk to someone to find the highest quality supplemensts. And get enough sleep take naps with your child instead of cleaning etc. the world will not end and your husband and child need a healthy Mom more than a clean house.
your body makes seratonin which makes your feel happy from b vitamins. that is what antidepressents do they help you make seratonin. Then you may want to let things go, like the dishes or some of the laundry. Make a list of things your husband can do, talk with him and let whatever he does be fine!!Its not the way you do it but its fine. Be thankful to him. say please and thankyou.Lighten up. Time with your child is more important than cleaning etc...You have to give up some of the load if your are caring extra weight at work its because you take it on .You did it so unload it back to whoever at work ,don't do their work or talk with your boss to clarify that you have been doing so and so's work or tell them you can't because you don't have extra time anymore since your child is born things change and you must stop or you will end up in the hospital or hurting someone. not to be mean but your husband and child come first ,house and job come later. Peace