Father Daughter Relationship

Hi B.,

I don't know why kids do that, but I have a daughter that just turned 5 on July 3rd. She talks for about maybe one minute on the phone and throws the phone back at me saying she dosesn't want to talk to whomever it may be. Is it just your daughters Father or does she direct this kind of behavior to everyone. Mine does it when she is tired or playing is just too important to be bothered with talking to grown ups. Maybe the three of you should talk it out and see how her feels. Kids will tell you wants bothering them if in pieces of conversations. Do the coloring game and ask questions about who is the nicest or who is the funniest and who is the whatever and see if you can get to the bottom of it that way. I sometimes think my daughter will just be open and tell me things but I have to ask her questions to get things out of her and then she tells it all.I am sorry I can't be any help, but you know kids they are funny sometimes. Most of the time they grow out of it. mine loves to talk to anyone else but who I want her do. She is very friendly to strangers a the park and in Restaurants and it is very embarressing sometimes.
Good luck to you and I'll be talking to you later.
R.

It is great that you are so conscious about wanting to help your daughter form a relationship with her father. How is her father responding to this situation?

Part of her reaction is developmentally normal for a 3 year old - he is mostly stranger to her then not, yet she knows that he is daddy and she is "suppose" to say I love you and be taken care of by this guy. It must be very confusing for her.

The good news is that it is possible for her to form a bond and relationship with her dad - what she will need is time and support from you. Stay positive, avoid correcting her or forcing her to say "I love you" - She's thinking about him and making pictures in-between visits - those are all good signs. You have a lot of investment in making those weekend visits seem very cohesive and time to catch up on lost time. That's way to much pressure for your daughter and her dad!

The best way to help is to believe that both are capable of forming a relationship and will need time for this to occur.

Best of luck!

I think a lot of it is anxiety on her part. She is okay with him coming over and talking about him during the week and things like that, but when he's there is hard for her to deal with all her feelings at once and o it's making her act out instead of being comfortable with him. I think just keeping the routine going may calm her down a bit more and more over time, but if it keeps going on then you might want to look into counseling for all of you.

are you two still together? your doughter might have felt abandon by him. its crazy how kids know and feel things. if you two are still together, her dad and you. you should really think about living with him, every lil girl needs there daddy in there life, you can go to school any where, but there is only one place a child can be and thats with her parents(both). its stability. she sees other kids with there dad and she is probably thinking, dang my dad would rather be at work in a hole diff state, then for us to be together. kids dont understand why things are the way they are. but you should be together, i think since it not that easy for him to relocate you should make the move, actually live together as a family... for your daughter.

Dear B.,

Now, now, now, now, now, she is TWO years old. At two years old they love their mommies deeply and are very connected to them. My gr grand daughter used to tell me that it was time to go home too. She just doesn't know how to handle things yet. You tell her not to say that to 'Dad' it isn't polite, and that 'your Dad and I will decide about what happens in our family' stuff like that.

One time I told my gr grand daughter that she was the love of my life, and she said - remember she was two also - and she said, 'Well, GG I have to tell you that my Mom is my love.', so that is the way that they feel about their moms, and we just have to steer them in the right direction. ALLLSO , maybe she is a teeny bit jealous of Dad and that is her way of handling it. She can tell strangers that she loves them because they do not threaten (in her littl mind) her relationship with her precious Mother. - You - Doesn't it feel awesome to have that kind of love directed at you? Sincerely, C. N.

Dear B. again, I had to leave and go outside to cut my husband's hair, and I am back again thinking of you and your daughter. You are doing all of the right things getting her ready for Dad's coming back, and all of that.

Now, remember again, she is two years old, I hope that I got that right. Anyway, when my son was around two or three he would have the worst crying spell and tantrum that you have ever seen when I would leave him with my sister so that I could go to the grocery store or some little thing like that. One time he even threw himself at the screen door, which was closed solid enough so that he didn't fall through it. It was just the Mommy thing, because he knew her very very well, and loved her a lot too. Kids are interesting, aren't they? There is a good parents website that I go to with questions once in a while called www.drgreene.com. He seems very thorough about explaining the mysteries of childhood and the illnesses that go with it. You guys are doing just great!! - again, Good Luck, C. N.

Hi B.,

Well le me se how can I help you, fist of all I’m tell you that a agree with B. and her advice. But I will also tell you from my experience as a child. My mother left my father when I was 1 year old and I did not see him until my mother got back with him when I was 5 years old. I was sooo scared and I daren’t feel that father love for him. He never called, came or send anything for me in 5 years. At first everything was good them he changed back to his old self back into drinking hitting my mother being very violent ext and I hated him for that. Not only never was there for me he never gave me anything that I remember not even one toy. My mother would always tell me go hug your father tell him you love him and things like that. Thanks really messed me up in my little head but the worst thing that I was scared was when he started to do thing that a father normally would NOT DO TO A CHILD. My mother would ask me why are you so mad all the time why don’t you what to spend time with your father and all dos questions you try to ask your kid. I was just so afraid to tell her but even if you B-friend, Husband or what ever you have if they are not violent or have problems that doesn’t tell you that there is something going on. But now being a social worker and a working with kid, mothers and families & can give them the best advice and help that I can provide them. Well B. the only thing I can tell you is DO NOT PUSH HER to do things that she don’t what to do with her father. I really recommend to send her to counseling but first take out for ice cream and try to has her what’s going on & how se feels what she wants ext. I’m not saying that something bad is happening to her but there is something that is bothering her for sure. Here is some information in your county or near your city that you can try to get some help for you and you little girl and all the family if you what but I recommend you talking to her first and then get some help for her and very important please take some parenting classes 1st try it your self then try taking it with you husband it works. Best of luck and if you ever need or what more help you can always e-mail me at ____@____.com.

Adolescent Family Life Program/ Sibling Program
2185 Pacheco Street
Concord, CA 94520
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Bay Area Psychotherapy Services - Pleasant Hill
3490 Buskirk Avenue, Suite A
Pleasant Hill, CA 94523
(888) 649-9320

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Best wishes,

M. P

Hi, B., you have a tough situation, for sure. I'm not an expert at this, as I have a husband and 2 teenaged daughters, but I'll hazard a guess that your daughter is smart enough to be jealous of the attention you pay to her dad, when most of the time she has you all to herself. I would urge you not to force your little girl to say "I love you" to her dad. That feeling has to evolve naturally, and let's face it...a 3-year old doesn't really comprehend love fully. Instead, I would concentrate on having her dad spend time with her doing typical daddy/daughter activities that you yourself either dislike or don't do as well. For example, he could play horsie with her, and let her climb on his back, or push her higher on a swing than you can, or chase her around the yard, etc. Perhaps they could even make a simple meal or snack together..something she really likes, and you could use this activity as a reward for her good behavior. I would also say not to make a big deal about your going away for a short time and leaving her with her dad. The more you fuss or fret, the more your daughter is going to pick up on your distress signals. Why don't you plan SHORT little excursions for the 2 of them...for example, let the 2 of them go to the store for milk while you unload the dishwasher, or vice-versa. I think if you break up the "daddy + daughter" alone time into small chunks, your daughter will start to bond with him without worrying that you are going to leave her forever (a common fear at her age). Good luck, and I would love to hear if any of these ideas work for you.
Sincerely,
S.

Have you thought about counseling?

It seems that she has seperation anxiety. She just might flip out when she starts pre-school too. She's also used to it being just the two of you at home and has some anxiety when "the guest" as stayed too long. I'd try leaving her with him for very short periods of time. Like as little as just two to five minutes at first and increase it further each time. I'd also try stepping back when at home with her and him. Like maybe direct her to dad for everything. Or make certain things dad's territory. So she gets direction for both of you. For example if she asks for something to drink, she has to ask dad. She might go without a drink at first. He needs to exert more authority with her especially when you are with them both. But you can't give in. If she throws a fit say "you can cry in your room" and put her in her room until she calms down. Or put her in her room for time out for three minutes (usually one minute per year of age).

This probably wont help - - - but I went through a similar thing with my daughter - - - she is now 12 - they still don't have a relationship - after years of on again off again dating and the weekend family thing - - - my advice to you is to stop the nonsense... If you and him aren't going to get married then stop - your daughter is hurt and confused by the "part-time" family - she knows mom is there for her - dad is just a weekend treat - it's unhealhty....

Sadly after 8 years of being with my boyfriend we got married - within a few weeks I knew it was a mistake - he did not like the everyday family life - once a week was plenty for him... The marriage ended finally when I found a surveillance camera he had hid in my daughter's bathroom.....

Children have a 6th sense - trust your daughters' instincts - your ex-boyfriend is not a "father" - to him your daughter is a trophy - some amusement when HE is in the mood - this will never be a healthy relationship...

Sorry to sound so harsh - but if I could take back my own babies suffering I would in a heartbeat