Seeking Moms' Advice on Discipline

As usual, I see things differently and disagree with some of the suggestions you received so far!! Sorry if I offend anyone, but this is my 2 cents...
I don;t think your boyfriend should try to be his "friend" first. If you really plan to marry him and make him your son's step-father (which I seriously hope you wait more than 3 months to make that life long decision no matter how well things are going now!!!!!!!!!), then your son needs to understand that your boyfriend is an authority figure. Think about what this advice from others is saying... If your boyfriend can't make simple requests now (like clean up his toys), what do you expect to happen when you get married? You can't go- OK, this is my boyfriend and he is your buddy... no wait, now we said vows and he's your daddy so you have to listen to him. That makes no sense!! I think children should listen to adults, period. OK- I don't mean that literally because of course you don't want them going off with strangers just because they are adults! But he should learn to respect your boyfriend as an authority figure who loves and cares for him, just as he would listen to a grandparent, or a friend who is babysitting him. When my best friend is around, I expect her to not let my kids get away with things just because she isn;t their mom. Same applies with your boyfriend. If your son leaves toys laying around, your boyfriend has every right to ask him (in a respectful way) to clean them up, and your son should listen. I actually buy into the idea of "it takes a village" to raise kids. I'm one of those parents who tells strangers' kids on the playground that it's not OK to throw dirt at other kids while other parents look on in horror and are too shy to say a word! So take my advice with a grain of salt. I was raised by a fantastic step dad. My sister once said to him "You can't tell me what to do- you aren't my dad" while my parents were dating and it broke his heart. My mom understood where she was coming from as a child and didn't repremand her in a way that would be punishing, but it opened everyone's eyes to the fact that he WAS about to become our second dad and we needed to treat him as such.

He's a boyfriend of only 3 months so he in my opinion doesn't have any rights to be telling your son what to do as far as picking up toys or eating his dinner. Only if he saw him doing something that would hurt him should he be voicing anything.
3 months is not a long time for there to be a bond on any kind developed between them.
I would tell your boyfriend that while you appreciate his help, you are the parent here and will deal with your son.
Your son comes first and then the boyfriend.
Not trying to say you shouldn't have a relationship with anyone, I don't mean that, just don't let them boss your child. It would be a little different if you guys were dating for like 3 years.
I am also going to throw this out there and again this is my opinion, I have been down the same road only with two kids.
Date longer than 3 months before you decide about marriage.
You have to get past the newness and fun that a young relationship has, before you see how you will truly be together. I would push it at least past 1 year, it's hard to maintain a front longer than a year. Meaning, you both will be exposed to more situations the longer you wait and you will be able to see how you act and react to them together before making a life long commitment.
There's no hurry to jump in and get married you are young and have all the time in the world to make a good solid decision for yourself and your child.

mom only advise is that you said that you have only been in this relationship for 3 months, you have to give it time. your son is only 4... he needs time to adjust and realize he has to listen to your BF... when he comes to you and tattles, you should look at him and go well if "enter name" told you to do it then you need to go do it now.

Good luck

I would tell you to hold on to the marriage thing. Its only been 3 months and with a child involved you can never be to catious. Your son is at the age to "tattle" but at the same time, he has never had a daddy figure telling him what to do, and he probably does not like it. Not out of trying to be difficult, but its new and you are his mommy and suppose to protect him from anything that he sees as harmful or threatening. Take your time for your son...if the guy really loves the both of you, he will wait, no matter how long it takes for your son to adjust and be okay with having a daddy and a man living in the house.

i would first give it time, your son has only known him for three months, that is not a long time for him to really understand that you are him are a team since it has only been you the whole time.

It may not have anything to do with your boyfriend and everything to do with the fact that you have a 4 year old. My husband and I have the same problem with our 4 year old girl and 3 year old boy. They will come to me when daddy punishes them and think I'm going to "fix" it. Here's what I do:

I ignore them. I don't even ackknowledge that they are speaking to me. I will look at them so they know I heard but I turn away so they know that I don't want to hear it. The next thing to do is have your boyfriend sit down with him and say something like "When I tell you something, you don't run to Mommy and tell her. I expect you to mind me and listen to what I say because I won't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself." Make sure he let's him know that he isn't mad but he expects certain behavior from him and that's that. If he continues to do it after say a week or so of your boyfriend sitting him down and explaining to him that he has to mind him too, you may have to sit him down and explain it to him (but only once). It's a new situation for him too so you just have to be consistent and things will get better.

It disturbed me to hear you say you want to correct your 4 year olds behavior...*HE* is acting normal. After only 3 months, you can not expect ANY child to listen to him. This has to be a gradual thing, not a "This is my boyfriend, and you have to listen to him"--especially since its only been the two of you for 3 years. The boyfriend and YOUR behavior has to change. To allow him to tell your child what to do, and for you to expect your son to do it, is not a reasonable request.
If this aggravates him now--he needs to step back and take a look at what he is walking in to. You and your son are a package deal, and for him to think he can just walk in and control everything like he is his father, is the wrong way to look at this.
I am all for falling in love, getting married and knowing that it can last after knowing someone a short time...but not when it comes to kids. YOU have to keep in mind that this may be going too fast for your son, and this is going to only make your life harder. Your son is already rebelling against this, and he is acting NORMAL. You continue to press the issue that he has to listen to him when he makes the small requests (eat your food, pick up your toys), he will never listen to the big requests--like dont do drugs, and be careful on that beam.
Your boyfriend needs to start attempting to be his friend, ASK the child to do something, and if he doesnt do it, coax him into it, or have him come to you, and you (not angry) inform him that he needs to do this--then thank your boyfriend for coming to you...Eventually, after alot more time, your boyfriend may step up to parent status, but at this point, the way your son is looking at him is simply "your not my father--Im not going to do what you want"--you boyfriend needs to EARN your sons trust and respect, just like he had to do for you--its a package deal...
And you need to keep your SON's feelings in mind...he isnt the one who is wrong here--your boyfriend is for thinking he can behave this way to a 4 year old child that isnt his---and YOU are for thinking that your child should obey him just because YOU plan on marrying him...
Its a package deal...and both you and your son need to care for, respect, and trust him...and He needs to do the same for BOTH of you...sounds like he forgot that he needs to respect your son, and earn his trust and respect...a great way to start--be the child's friend....

According to Dr. Phil, you should be the one to discipline your child. It's ok for him to ask him to do something, but you should be the one to deal out the discipline. I don't remember all the reasons, but I'm sure you could find out at Dr. Phil's website.
B.

Well... it has only been 3 months. He's really not a "father figure" to him yet.

My own kids tattle on me to my husband, and vice versa, if we ask them to do something unreasonable like "turn off the TV" or "please get your transformers off of the living room floor" or "dolls do not belong on the counter." I guess they think they'll be pardoned if the ask the other parent! We do remind them that it's not okay to do that and that they must obey the parent with the request, whether they like it or not, but frankly, I would not give a non-parent that much power over my young child that quickly... maybe once you're married, but I really think that 3 months is too short a time.

This entry is not meant to be "avice" but I would like to point out that I understand what you are going through. My boyfriend has a son and he likes to test me. I am very firm with him the way I am with my own 2 girls and I know he walks away thinking how mean I am. When bed-time comes though I make sure that I tell him I love him and I always try to take a moment to make him feel special when he behaves. I think we have a decent balance of discipline and love. Please keep in mind that 4 year olds, 5 y/o, 6 y/o and so forth will test parents alot. They are finding their boundries, I'm sure your boyfriend, with a little patience will find his balance with your son.
-Good Luck!

I think you and your boyfriend together should have a talk with your son. You need to let your son know that he needs to listen to your boyfriend as he would any adult or elder (teacher, coach, babysitter (not just anyone), but anyone who is caring for him (as your boyfriend is doing). You should do the talking. Let your son know what the consequences will be if he dosen't follow the rules you discuss and then act upon them if he doesn't listen. Kids have to understand that they will have to listen and follow rules set by others, other then just their "parents".

Hi D.. Let your son see that you agree with your boyfriend and when he (your son) comes to "tell on him", sy, "he told you to pick up your toys? well then you better go do it". Say this cheerfully as if you don't even notice that he (your son) is actually upset about it. If he whines louder and still doesn't move, hop up and grab his hand and tug him (gently, of course!) in the direction of the toys while saying, "come on, let's do it so (boyfriend) can see how good you are". Do all this with enthusiam and cheerfulness. If your son sees that you don't even realize there is something to be upset about, then pretty soon he'll take his cue form you.

Also, you could satrt telling him to "go ask (botfriend)" when he ask for something. Even if it's something you would normally just say yes or no to, have him ask your baofriend. This will send a very stong message that he (boyfriend) is also in charge.

You are right to be concerned about this. When you marry him, you need to be on his "side". You and your husband need to be a team. It's important that your son realize this. Good Luck! ~C.

I have to agree with Tiffany, I have lived this one too......

you should take longer to get to know the boyfriend to know if it will work for a lifetime. but for the small things, like picking up before dinner, it would not hurt for the boyfriend to help you out with your son. here's how i handled that problem. and keep in mind, even if this does not work out as a marriage, you may (at the very least) have found a good male role model for you son.

first you and your boyfriend need to talk with your boyfriend about your limits for his disciplining your son. then when you are comfortable with those limits, in front of your boyfriend, explain to your son in very simple terms that your boyfriend in an adult and that he must obey what the boyfriend says. then in front of your son, give your boyfriend "permission" to tell your son what to do. after the discussion with your son, remind your boyfriend that his "permssion" is to happen only within your previously agreed to limits - picking up toys, washing his hands for dinner, etc. now it is only common sense that in the case of your son's safety, those limits are automatically extended.

any time your son "tells" on your boyfriend for "telling him what to do" remind your son that you gave him permission and your son must obey. it will take time, consistency, and a lot of patience on your part and your boyfriend's part, but it will work.

again in agreement with Tammi and from my own personal experience, i do strongly recommend that you go very slow with the marriage thing though. my sister rushed into her second marriage when she had 3 children and she is now going through the divorce process again. it took my 3 years before i would even talk about marriage and then it took me 3 months to agree to the marriage to my second husband. so far we have been married 4 years and he is wonderful with my children - but we took it both very slowly because we had both been through very bad marriages.

I honor you for the work you've done as a single mom for the past three years. That's a hard road. I hope you have a strong network of family and girlfriends to balance your relationship with your son and your Self.

In reading your post, I notice that your concern is for your boyfriend's aggravation. Personally, I honor your son for doing what is in his best interests: testing this man to see if he really has the potential to be a strong father figure. If your boyfriend is only interested in having a relationship with your son when he's "adorable," he's not much value to you. If your boyfriend can wait until your son falls asleep to have an adult conversation with you about his own frustrations, if he expresses interest in becoming a more effective authority figure, and asks for your advice in how to accomplish this, if he values your judgement - then keep him around. If the power struggle with your son brings out his aggravation, he might not be ready for your world. It will be your discipline to enjoy him in the ways that best suit your needs. Not all lovers are meant to be fathers. Perhaps you've already learned that?

My only advice on the behavior comes from the Waldorf discipline: the word "may" is magical. My son's behavior transforms when I remember to tell him that he "may" help pick up the train tracks with me, and when we are all done he "may" put the lid on the box. At dinner, he "may" have rice on the fork along with the greens.

Enforce your boyfriend's authority to your son. Tell your son (he's old enough to understand) that whatever your boyfriend says, goes. After a few times, it will stop.

I think this is normal. You are his source for justice and guidance. You always have been. He will have to learn that you wish for him to respect your boyfriend as well. He doesn't see him as a leader yet. He needs to learn to appreciate his presence and TRUST his guidance. Right now, if it's not what he wants, he probably doesn't trust that and he needs to hear it from you.

I would say that you need to tell your boyfriend to be patient and "choose his battles wisely" so he doesn't end up telling him what to do all the time, your boyfirend needs to fill in between telling your son what to do with lots of positive words of affirmation like :"hey you're doing a great job at that! Or Wow! You're really good at that. or Thank you for doing whatever"

etc. This way, he starts to WANT to listen because sometimes, he likes what he's hearing.

Also, I would think you should back up an answer like this "Well, _____ , you need to do what he asked you to do. He doesn't want you to do that because bla bla bla and when he askes you not to do something, you need to listen" Etc.

Don't blow it out of proportion, it's ot an insult. It's a learning process. You don't want your son to listen to any adult no matter what either. It's good that your son questions. I don't think he's tattling so much as he is trying to understand your boyfriends place as an authority figure. If your boyfriend uses positive reinforcement and patience, he'll get through.

Hello,

Give your son some time to trust your boyfriend before he tries to discipline him. Three months is not really much time for relationship development. Is your boyfriend able to understand this? If not, he may not be who you believe him to be. The practical advice is to be the parent. If what your boyfriend asks of your son is reasonable, back him up by repeating the request with the expectation of obedience. If your son resists, see if there is a problem that you have not picked up on yet. ex: not eating, does he have his first loose tooth, drank too much milk that day, getting sick, etc.

AAAACK! Thank goodness I'm not the only one that seemed taken aback by this question! As much as you need an adult relationship, your child has got to come first! Three months is very soon to be allowing a mostly unknown person to your son to be bossing him around and expecting him to listen! You need to be on your son's side here. He does need to respect adults but wow, think of things from his point of view! Your boyfriend is a big boy, he should be able to handle you and your son transitioning slowly into a relationship with him.

Dear D.,

I wish you and your boyfriend much happiness in your upcoming marriage.

My advice for handling your son would be for your boyfriend not to try to take a parental role until after you are married. It is very hard for children to respond to someone new in their life that is trying to take on a parental role, even if it is with your good wishes. Although you may be very serious about this man, 3 months is a short period of time to introduce him as a parental figure in a 4 year olds life. Quite honestly, if this man truly adores your son, he will not have a problem having patience with him and understand that to the child he is a "new" figure and the child may not yet accept him as a parental figure.

As with most children, "asking" them to do something will never get the same results as when you actually take them in and do the chore with them. You may start by helping them and doing most of the work yourself and gradually having the child do more of it with your supervision. As time goes on and maybe only a few times later, the child may do what he's asked easily or without being asked. It is also very important to give them positive reinforcement as they do the chore you are requesting, while at the same time instilling in them that this chore is necessary and something that is expected on a regular basis. You must have a good balance and it is something a child must learn to do. As we all know, learning is a process. Children don't usually respond well to instuctions, if it is something they have not already been worked with, through the process.

When, it comes to eating, there are so many factors involved. Is the child one that generally eats a good meal? Has the child had any snacks or other things to eat in the few few hours before he is being given this meal, so that he truly isn't hungry? Is it something he truly does not like. Do you make sure that the meal you are serving has at least a few nutritious things that your child does like, so that if he eats most of those, he can get by with a bite or two of the rest. Children under the age of about 10-12 have very sensitive tastes and things that we like or love, can often be very offensive to a child . Again, it may be that your boyfriend is new on the scene and your son doesn't see him as a parental figure, even though you may have told your son he needs to listen to this man.

Until, you are actually married and this man is actually in a parental situation, it would be best for you to continue the parental role for your childs own need for security in his family life, which up to now has been you and him. Adding another adult without a warmup period is hard for a child to understand, even when we explain it to them. They may be very smart, but this is something that goes beyond mental and is more an emotional adjustment.

You and your boyfriend have plenty of time ahead of you, but your son will only be young for a very short time. Patience, love and understanding of his feelings, as well as providing a healthy and emotionally secure lifestyle for him, is an opportunity you only get this 1 time and if you put your own feelings ahead of the childs and rush him into a relationship that he doesn't understand or isn't comfrtable with, will not be an easy transition for him. Just imagine how you would feel if all of a sudden you had to respond to directions from someone that you may see as a new friend, but have not previously known as a parental authority in your world. It is not an easy thing to accept.

After you have gone through a dating period and your son starts seeing a trustful and respectful relationship between you and your boyfriend, he will start understanding that your boyfriend/husband is someone that cares for you and him and is someone that respects him and will be protecttive of him and he will come around.

If you stick to being the one that gives instruction and your boyfriend gives your position in your sons life respect, then as time goes on, he will be able to share in that role as well and it will be an easier adjustment for your son. It won't and shouldn't happen over night or even in a week or two. It should be a gradual transition so that it is one that appears normal to your son.

I am speaking from experience. I had a very similar situation and after seeking help in several directions, I found this to be the one that put stability and respect into my "new" family sitution. It also made the relationship between my new husband and I much better. I was the "original parent" and he respected that. He would back me up and as time went on, there were times when he dealt with things and I was never told, in order to build trust with my 2 sons. They were cases where telling me would only upset me and not change the situation. So as long as the boys corrected their action or made good on reasonable promise, I didn't have to be told and my husband was teaching the boys that they could trust him to help them and not always punish them. I was saved the anguish of knowing what had happened and they learned to turn to my husband from time to time, when they needed help or advice and also learned to turn to him when they wanted to share something they were excited about or was important to them. We grew to be a complete family where we could turn to one another. When 1 boy got in trouble we all handled the situation together. That even meant a trip to the firestation together and one to the police station together. It had a lasting impact.

After a while, my husband was able to relieve much of the stress that is placed on a single parent. But, until the boys were comfortable, he backed up my decisions, quietly and respectfully. It was very different than the way I was raised and so much easier. We became a FAMILY. He never tried to be a domineering husband or father. He respected the right of the boys natural father, but since we lived in a different state, was there to be the "father" whenever he was needed or asked. He did not push the sitution, so it came naturally.

I know this is long-winded, but I hope I've helped some.

Jamie L

First of all - 3 months is a very short time. Red Flags are for quick movers. #1 is to make sure this is the right one....Also, for your sons sake - don't rush it. I hope your not with a man who is just looking to use you and you're an easy target because you're a single mother. Sorry for my lecture - been there and done that.

Secondly - I was a single mother at 6 months and my son and I met my current husband when my son was 3 1/2. My son is 6 1/2 now and STILL DOES what your saying your son does. I think this is normal. After just 3 months - you can't expect miracles. It's been you and your son for 3 years. Now after JUST 3 months, there's this new authority figure.....3 MONTHS?? Your soon to be husband needs to understand this as well. Imagine someone new coming into his life and after only 3 months - calling the shots on is life. Little ones go through so much with a new transition (a new boyfriend of mommas etc.), you have to slowly work on thier relationship and dicipline. My husband didn't even start saying stuff to my son until like a year after we were married.

You need to sit down with your soon to be husband and decide on what dicipline you agree on for certain actions. Also, you need to back him up. There are sometimes I listen to my husband diciplinging my son and will intervene a little....because I've been a parent longer than my husband. :)

Also, then sit down with your son and let him know that what your future step daddy says, is just like mommy saying it and you need to respect and listen. He WILL get it eventually. THEN HAVE A TALK TOGETHER! Make sure he knows that he has two daddys and how special that is and how lucky he is but just like the other daddy (if he is in the picture) - this one will make you mind and listen too. Let your son know - you may not like it when BLANK tells you to do something but you need to do it anyway - just like when mommy says something that doesn't make you happy. You do it anyway because mommy is an adult and asked you to.

It is hard....as long as you both agree on how to discipline and keep it the same and keep on him and how he acts towards your husband - he WILL GET IT.

I found a GREAT social worker on line named Gary Direnfeld. You can write him and ask him a question and he'll give you his advice. HE IS AWESOME. http://www.yoursocialworker.com/advice.htm

GOOD LUCK. Please make sure this is the man of your dreams for you and your son - once married it is harder to get out and you loose a lot of your single-mother perks. I know.

D.,
I have experienced your situation, my twin daughters were 5 when I met my new husband. Be patient, tell your son that this man will be in his life and will have a role in his discipline, just as you ask him to respect any other adult. But also make sure this man is going to be around, and ask yourself "does he put your son first?" If his father is involved, is he willing to communicate even in times of animosity? Make sure your son knows that the two or three of you are united and on the same page. Kids are great at working both sides. All is good now for me, we still have some troubles but that is to be expected. My new husband is patient. Also ask your boyfriend to be patient and do not get upset. He is dealing with a child with emotions that are not even close to being mature enough to think about his reaction to ANYTHING. That he is still a child and that you, willput your child firt and formost beyond anything else, even a man. It will be a struggle, but if you two hang in there, it will work out. Let me know how it goes.

M.

First of all, it has been a long time since he has had a father figure around. Think about it this way: "For three years it has been me and Mom! Now all of a sudden this guy waltzes in here and thinks he can tell me what to do? who does he think he is? Only Mom can tell me to do that!"

Suggest to your boyfriend/fiance that he make a game out it. "Let's see who can put the most toys away." "I'll get this side of the room, if you get that side of the room, that will make it go quicker." "Let's have a race, who can pick up their side of the room faster." "Can you show me where these toys are supposed to go? I don't have a clue."

Your son is feeling invaded AND he isn't sure if this guy has the right to be in authority over him. Be encouraged that he comes to ask your approval before doing what another adult asks him. This could mean a strong safety measure you didn't even know was there. Just be supportive and respond to him with something like, "Joe wants be a part of our little family and I know I would love for him to be. So, I am gonna start practicing recognizing his authority now [big words are fine, he will get the gist of what they mean], so when he does become part of our little family, we will all know he is the man of the house. You need to start listening to him, so go pick up your toys."

Before you can use this line, however, be sure to talk to your son and know how he feels about this possiblity. He may, even at four, feel that his place as "man-of-the-house" is being snatched from under his feet.

Perhaps it may be necessary for your fiance and your son to have some "dates" of their own. This can help to build a stronger relationship between them. Just make sure you don't get pushed to the side in the process. My dad did this with us and I cherished every breakfast we had together (he didn't start until my senior year, though). Developing that bond may be just the key.

I hope this helps you out a little, gives you an idea or two. Keep us posted on how things work out. God bless!

maybe its your sons way of telling you to slow down and he doesnt want some one who is effectively a stranger telling him what to do!

Please don't try to "stop this behavior". It has only been 3 months!! Your son would need MUCH longer to REALLY bond with him and when that has happened, he will start listening on his own. He will start to follow requests from your boyfriend because he has come to know and respect him as an authority figure. You need to let your boyfriend know that this could take a long time and I would wait for this to happen before you marry as well. I think your boyfriend assumes he should listen simply because he is the adult and that just isn't true. Give your son time and support him in that. Have talks with your son later on about how your boyfriend is just trying to help and is asking on your behalf, things will come around. I'm glad you have found someone, but your son comes first, so maybe slow things down a little. When I was 4, I couldn't imagine my mom getting a boyfriend and making him my new daddy so fast. Make sure your son knows he can talk to you about anything! He might not feel that way if you are always siding with your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend (though might have good intentions) should not be given the responsibility of disciplinarian to your children. He should know to respect him no different then any other person you know but you'll never get him to follow somebody elses rules. He'll rebel and if you think it's bad now, wait til he's a teen. I have two step children (14 & 17) and know exactly what's happening. Take control. For everybody's sake.