Failed IVF

A.,
My husband and I had five failed rounds of IVF. After having two adoptions fall through (1 after having the baby for four days) we were about ready to go back to the fertility route with donor embryos. Loyola has a program where it is under 20K for four tries in one calendar year. If none of them are successful they refund 75% of the fees. We actually left the doctor's office and left a message for our attorney to call us back so we could tell her we were stepping away from adoption. Less than two hours later we received a call from an agency out in Colorado regarding our daughter Grace. Twelve weeks later we adopted our son Anthony. We have a five year plan to try and get out from under the debt of all of the expenses we incurred throughout the process. I would love to sit down over a cup of coffee (or glass of wine) and talk with you about your journey and if there was any way we could help. Give us a call if you would like to talk. I am sure you have researched this but there are lots of programs out there to help offset the costs of adoption.
J. & Bud
###-###-####

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A. I will keep you in my prayers. You are traveling a very rough road. We did not try IVF. After the fertility and artificial insemination process and surgeries didn't work for us we regrouped and decided we would adopt. I was already 41 at the time and told I would not be able to have a child on my own because of my eggs. We took a break (I had to travel a lot for work for 6 months or so) and were going to pursue the adoption. We found out we were MIRACULOUSLY pregnant. Our daughter Hope is now 2. A friend of mine moved from the Midwest to Idaho in an effort to "get away from" the pressures of trying endlessly to get pregnant. A year or two later she became pregnant (on her own) with twins. They are now 8. This link is someone else I know that struggled the same with a miracle result as well. http://lippens.blogspot.com/ I don't know how you feel and my heart truly breaks for you and your husband. Try to keep a hopeful attitude and have faith that God will see you through somehow. I would definitely look into the acupuncture too - it has worked wonders for my husbands back. Not only is it a possibility for pregnancy but it could help you mentally, physically and spiritually. Remember miracles do happen!

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I am very sorry for your loss. I won't go into what you shoulda woulda coulda done, you have heard it many times before, I am sure.
I have two brothers, both who married women that couldn't have children. I remember watching them go through the same kind of anxiety you are going through now. Neither of the couples ended up adopting either. BUT they both have been married a very long time, have been involved with people in their communities, have doted on nephews and nieces. They have traveled and done things they never would have done if they had children. I think if you were to ask both couples if they regret having children they will tell you yes but they would also tell you that their lives have been very full and wonderful.
I am VERY sorry for your loss. =( *HUG*

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Dear A.,

I am an adoption professional and consultant, and I have been in this profession for over 12 years doing both domestic infant and international adoptions. After reading your entry, I knew I had to respond to you! First of all, I am very sorry that fertility treatments have not worked for you. Most of my clients have explored this avenue first, and I know the heartache that they go through in trying to conceive. I know that you feel that adoption is out of your reach financially, but it really is not as expensive as you might think. Adoption is an entity that is full of misinformation,mostly because of the media, and is is so unfortunate because it keeps a lot of what would be excellent parents believing that it is out of reach for them for various reasons. You are always welcome to call me, and I would be more than happy to talk over with you what your options are and shed a bright light on the adoption idea! My phone number is: ###-###-####.

Best Wishes,

J.

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I am so sorry for what you are going through. We also had 4 failed IVFs and I remember the agony. I will send many positive thoughts and prayers your way. After you take some time to regroup, rethink adoption. There is an almost $11,000 tax credit the year you adopt and many companies have an adoption benefit. My husband's company gives $5,000 and my girlfriend's company gives $7,500! If you want more information, please feel to contact me. We have an incredible 3 year-old adopted son and will be adopting another baby boy next month! But for now spend sometime taking care of yourself and your husband!

Hello A., Sorry to hear about your failed IVF.
I will keep you in my prayers. I suggest you give yourself a break for 1-2 years and consider it again. That way you can heal emotionally,mentally and physically. Stress will make things harder. If you haven't tried accupunture or other more natural ways of conceiving, I would give it a try. here's a website you might look into,in includes yoga and accupunture for infertility issues. I heard good things about this place. Good Luck!!! Don't give up just yet. Stay Positive and have lots of faith. God Bless you!!!
www.pullingdownthemoon.com
http://www.chicagohealers.com/hs/body-fertility.html

A., I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had something noble to say that would make you feel better. I do have some options for your debt. I have a very successful home based business that can be worked along side of your current employment, or as a part time job. Either way it is worked, it can/will provide you with a full time income when worked. I would be happy to give you the info needed to decide.

When tragedy like this strikes, I always turn to God. He hasn't let me down yet. Good luck and God Bless. God has a plan for you, just be patient. It will arrive when you are ready.
L.

Hopefully after reading all of these posts, you know you are not alone! I have also been through IVF, and was lucky enough for it to be successful. I vividly remember the pain and emotional rollercoaster that we went through. We paid for most of our IVF costs ourselves. Physically, I am not able to go that route again, so we have turned to adoption to complete our family. I have always been interested in adoption, but I had to mourn the loss of not being able to get pregnant before beginning the process. Neither of our insurances are covering any expenses, so we've had to get creative. Although I'm normally a private person, I've decided that completing my family is most important, and am currently planning fundraisers to help pay for the adoption. Our agency has also been very helpful in figuring out ways to fund the process. The tax credit is also something that we're counting on. Please remember that there is a way for you and your husband to become parents. Sometimes we have to be creative, but in the end, you'll never take what you have for granted, and will be a better parent for it. Good luck, and hang in there!

I have not experienced your situation, thankfully, but I am very sympathetic for you and your husband. It must be devistating. I have heard, however, that just the stress of trying and not succedding can result in failure of the IVF. Stress can do alot of harm to your body whether we realize it or not. My suggestion to you is to try (and I stress, TRY. I'm sure it's easier said than done) to just relax and try not to be so anxious. Give your body a break and continue trying naturally. You never know, God works mysteriously...
Keep your head up and your faith strong. Best of luck to you both.

I had IVF 3 times with no success, I was devastated and decided that we would adopt. We went to a meeting for adoption and then decided that we would take the summer off before we got started. In the interim, I started taking these herbs that I found on line called ovulex (ovulex.com)and found myself pregnant in 3 months. I also started taking the herbs after one year after nursing for a year and was preg again in 2 months. Just because IVF was unsuccessful does not mean that you cannot naturally conceive. Also, I had amazing pregnancies and never got sick. I think that when you have been through what we have, you don't take anything for granted. I say that it is worth a try.

I know what you are going through it is very trying I had 3 failed ivf rounds and had to take a break it was to emotional and I had one last try on insurance. I turned to Acupuncture and did it for 7 mths and I got pregant on my own I have a beautiful 16 mth daughter. I also have a friend who have many failed ivf rounds and did Acupuncture and also got pregant and has a daughter. I really believe that is what really worked for me so look into it because it really is worth the try. GOOD LUCK AND STAY POSITIVE

My heart goes out to you. I went through 1 failed, one successful birth (he just turned 4) and three additional follow-up procedures to have another child.

I know your pain. I know how it hurts. We were blessed with our son (I got pregnant at 42, and turned 43 6 weeks after he was born). It is nothing short of a miracle. I felt that desolation and desperation too.

I'll keep you in thoughts and prayers.

Perhaps you could look into adoption. I know the costs of IVF are keeping things difficult... but perhaps you could look into fostering to adopt. There are many, many children (some typical and some with special needs) who are in serious need of placement in a loving home.

Check with your IVF clinic. Mine offered support groups (as part of the fees), perhaps yours does too. talking face to face with a counselor and "peers" can be very helpful.

Perhaps the company(ies) that either you or your husband work for offer some assistance for adoption?

(internet hug coming attcha)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and frustration, no one can truly understand the depth of your pain. We went through 14 IUI's before my daughter was conceived. So I do understand the roller coaster of emotion that infertility can bring. Though sitting in the closet crying somedays, it was the days of knowing we were meant be parents and only the Lord knew how and when that dream would come to pass kept us going. Have you ever considered domestic adoptions or foster care to adopt? We have been blessed with 2 children since our 4 years of feeling like a human pin cushion on display, yet the desire of adoption through foster care has always remained strong in our hearts to parent a child that may need it more than 1 we could have biologically. I will pray for peace for you and your husband, I can feel your pain, hopelesness. When we are called to be a parents sometimes we need to get creative on how to find the child we are supposed to call our own.

Hi A.,
My heart hurts for you because I too was in the same place you are. I had 3 failed IVF's. I had a successful 4th but miscarried at 9 weeks. I felt that my life was over. My husband and I were both meant to have children. My life slowly went on for about 6 months until I started looking into adoption. We started our process in Feb. 2003. In Jan. 2004 my beautiful baby boy was born. Adoption has brought an abundance of love and joy to our lives. This may sound bad but I am thankful that I could not get pregnant because I would not have my son. I can't imagine my life without him.
I know that you said that you are tapped out and cannot afford adoption. There has got to be an adoption agency out there that can help. You have got to look into this - don't go through life wondering "what if".
If you would like to talk please call me ###-###-#### or send an e-mail - I know what you are going through. As a side note - I was the same age as you when we started our adoption process.
N.

Hi A.,
My heart goes out to you and your husband. My husband and I tried IVF 1 time and it failed. However, we saw 3 specialists all of who told us we could not get pregnant on our own and our chances of a successful IVF were slim. Basically, they were saying that my eggs were bad and one of them suggested an egg donor. I began acupuncture and after 7 months we became pregnant on our own (our daughter is 3 1/2). Just before her first birthday I went for 1 acupuncture treatment and found myself pregnant the next month (another daughter who will be 2 in June) and now, after no more acupuncture treatments we are expecting a boy in July! Please don't give up hope. As much as we'd like to trust all the doctors out there, many of them focus too much on what the books say. One of our specialists was in another country and based on my records and tests, wouldn't even attempt IVF.

I would highly suggest acupuncture, I truly believe it is what helped us. But most importantly, stay positive! I know how emotional it can be. Best of luck to you and your hubby!!

I went through 4 cycles of IUI, 5 fresh cycles of IVF, 2 frozen cycles of IVF, & 1 additional IVF cycle with donor egg before I finally got my 2 boys (twins) in Jan 08. I read several books & gained weight, lost weight, changed eating habits, stopped exercising, etc. I supplimented with acupressure (shiatsu massage), sweedish massage, acupuncture, & hemilayan gogi juice. Yes, I felt like a nut case & spent more than $60,000. I always felt like something would would happen someday if I didn't give up & was open to try anything. I still can't believe I have my boys after a 6-year wait. I used a shared risk plan with the clinic so they only keep the money if you go home with a baby. The main expense after that is meds. I have spoken to some friends that went to the grandparents with their percentage of the bill for their grandkids. We just cut out the frills to help pay. Remember each chance of success with donor eggs is as high as 60%. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. God bless.

A.,
Have you and your husband ever thought of becoming foster parents?

Hi A.,

You've gotten lots of great responses but I'd still like to add mine. I was with me husband for14 years before I conceived. We never tried anything other than the natural route so I can't relate to your pain there but believe me, I understand the pain of thinking you'll never have a child. I began praticing and then teaching yoga. I was amazed to find after really getting my body balanced thru my yoga pratice that at 37 I was finally pregnant. I totally credit yoga pratice along with vegetarian diet that included a lot of soy for helping me concieve. Give it a try, it wont hurt and at the very least you will be healthy and yoga will help you thru the stress and dissapointment youre going thru. Never say never. I know a couple that concieved naturally at 48 after being told they would never have children!!

This may sound a little silly but I know Brooke Shields had something like 8 failed IVF's and that she writes about it in her book "Down Came the Rain." There might be something comforting in there. So sorry...

A....I am so sorry for your broken heart. I'm sure right now, you don't want to see anyone w/ a child because it hurts too much and you don't want to be angry at someone else for having a child when you can't. My husband and I tried for almost 4 yrs and my story did end differently. We tried drugs and FIVE failed artificial inseminations. Not so medically taxing as IVF, but emotionally just as hard for every negative pregnancy test. Our doctor finally decided if we wanted to continue to try, we needed to do IVF and I decided I was done. I said no more. Financially, emotionally, mentally and even physically, I was ready to say that I was ok w/ the next step. We decided that becoming parents was so important, that we would explore all options. First, we wrote letters to over 30 lawyers and adoption agencies in our area to get some information. We soon realized that adoption is very costly and wasn't for us. We then looked into Foster to adopt programs in our county. This is where you are trained to become a foster parent, but to a child that will more than likely not return to his/her parents and can be adopted. I don't know if this is something you would consider as a lot of foster kids have had a traumatic life and need extra TLC and patience, but may be worth at least looking into for you.

I am happy (and sad to tell you) that my situation turned very different right here. After focusing all of my energy on other options, I got pregnant. No drugs, no shots, no ultrasounds or doctor help!!! We were younger, also (26) and that may have helped. I now have 2 awesome and energetic kids, 8 and 9 who sometimes make me crazy!! Needless to say, we did not do foster care. One other option you might want to look into if at all feasible is someone who could carry for you?? (kinda like that movie Baby Mama) Just a thought. Hang in there, hon. I know how sad you must feel and nothing anyone can say right now will make you feel better until you are ready to move on to the next step and accept whatever happens...it's like someone telling you not to breathe anymore! You can't just stop wanting kids anymore because your anatomy has other plans! Hang in there.

Hello. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can definitely relate.... years of infertility treatments that never worked and tons of money "down the drain". The best thing that happened for us is when we finally realized that we were not meant to get pregnant in order to have a family. Once we truely let go of that idea that "next time it will work" then we were able to truly focus on saving for an adoption to start a family. We were younger when we switched our focus but I know if you are meant to have a family, that you will be able to do the same. Find a way to save that money or to get a loan that does not throw you into a financial crisis, and just do it, just find an adoption agency you are comfortable with and adopt! Maybe this is your turning point just like it was for my husband and me and maybe this is the first step you take toward having your family! Best of luck and well wishes to you.

PS We are now blessed with 4 incredible adopted children and we are both 41. We don't have much of a retirement account but finally paid off all of our adoption expenses and can start saving now for retirement (and college). Even if we have to work til we are 87 it was all worth it!!

what about using a surrogate? do you have a friend or family member who would be willing to waive their fee?

Hi A.,
My best friend tried for over 10 years & had 10 IVF procedures. They finally had success on the 10th try, only to loose the babies (twin girls) in the 20th week. After a year break from all procedures & to recover from her devastating loss, she decided to try with a donor egg. The first round with the donor eggs did not implant, but they were successful on the 2nd try with the donor eggs. She was 45 at the time & had a lovely baby boy. Two years later at 47 they implanted the rest of the donor egss & she had her 2nd baby (another boy). I would not give up on the donor egg option. Give yourself, your body & your finances a break & then give it another try in a year or so. Good luck.

If you adopt a ward of the state, the state pays all of the adoption fees.

Hi A. - my husband and I also did IVF with a couple of failures but the last one did take. I understand how you are feeling and when I was going through it I had the support of many women in the same situation through IVFconnections.com. There are so many dealing with the same issues it was nice to be able to vent to people who truly understood. Have you and your husband ever considered foster parenting to adopt? A friend of mine has two children through the Lydia Home on Irving Park - their parents rights were terminated at birth so she knew she had a great chance of adoption. Just something else to consider (I'm sure you already have though). Anyway, my thoughts are with you today -

K.

I've never gone thru this personally, but my friend did. After a tubal pregnancy left her all but unable to carry a child, she turned to IVF, which did not work. She and her husband really supported each other thru the painful times. They came to a place of being okay with the situation. Their focus shifted away from procreation to intimacy; that's when the miracle occured. She's expecting a boy this summer!
My advise; enjoy your life with your wonderful husband and embrace peace and hope for whatever the future holds for you.

I'm terribly sorry for the continued losses. Have you looked into fostering at all? This has been a truly rewarding experience for us, and can lead to adoption (free or even subsidized).

Hi,
I know how devastasting this is and I'm sorry. You may want to check out a site called Resolve www.resolve.org, it is an infertility group that may help you get through this. They can also help if you decide adoption. I have been through 9 IVF's total but have 4 kids (the last 2 being twins). I found I needed to seek out the doctor who was right for my issues. Some doctors I find seem to do what seems like cookie cutter procedures and don't vary much. After my 1st 3 failed IVF's, I saw about 8 doctors to get their opinion also attending Resolve's annual conference which helped a great deal. It's a tough decision and a lot to go through. I wish you the best of luck!

Hi A.,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through 8 IUIs and 4 IVFs to have my two kids. I am also pursuing an adoption through China which is a long process. I recommend joining a support group online. I found them very helpful in terms of having people that understand . I would also suggest researching affordable adoption opportunities. There is no reason that someone who is loving, able, and willing to raise a child shouldn't. If you and your husband want to be parents go and make it happen. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Find strength and solace in your loving husband. You can be a parent, maybe not biologically or the way that you thought it would happen, but look at all of these wonderful stories of families happening in all sorts of unexpected ways. You owe it to yourself to make it happen. Best of luck - S. S.

Hi A.,I'm so sorry that you are going through what your going through.I couldnt imagine,being in your position.I dont know if this is heplful but have you ever considered foster parenting a child through the state first.There are many children in DCFS custody whose parents, parental rights have been terminated.If you foster parent first temporarily, and then start adoption proseedings,the state will then pay you monthy for foster care.That might also help you financially.I believe all you have to do is call DCFS and and they'll send you information.You have to take a short class on foster care and then you can start the prosess.I dont believe it will cost you anything.Once a child is placed with you and you start the adoption prosess all you have to do is pay legal fees and then I believe the state will help with that also.

Also I dont know how religous you are and right now with what your going through you may even wonder if God is there,but I'd like to assure you that through our pain is when God becomes real to us if we turn to him.if you do that he will give you the wings to soar above this painful time in your life.Nothing is impossible with him and you might even be holding a little one in your arms sooner than you think.Pray!!I hope I havent offended you with this advice.I will lift you up in my prayers before God A..Best of luck!

A. from Channahon.

My best friend went through the same thing as you, though they never tried the donor route, but her eggs are not good. She wants to adopt but her husband is against it for some reason. They are also in debt. They have come to terms that they aren't going to have children, but they are discussing fostering an older child or siblings. Have you and your husband thought about that?

Though I can't say I know exactly how you are feeling, I know you are not alone and I hope you can find some support from other couples with similar experiences.

I am so sorry for your losses. I completely understand the devestation of failed IVFs. I had two failed, one successful (she is 2 1/2 now - was originally a twin and ended up born at 25 weeks which was an entire different set of problems). We have just started our 4th IVF and I am scared. I now remember very clearly the emotional rollercoaster that comes with these procedures.

I hope you find a way to share your love and desire for children. I think the options others were saying about fostering may be a good start to adoption without the cost of an outright adoption. Good luck to you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I've never done the IVF, but did have one failed IUI. After that, we decided God was needing us to adopt a child. We now have a 8 month old healthy boy (we got him from the hospital when he was born). I will tell you, there is nothing like adoption. We are in Illinois and the adoption was not that expensive. E-mail if you want more information. Its a wonderful thing!

Hi A.,

Althought his was about 6-7 years ago, I also did IVF to try to get pregnant and it failed 5 times over the course of 2 1/2 years or so. It was the worst time of my life. I was devastated and severely depressed as all of my friends were getting pregnant and even the 16 yr old next door got pregnant. It was very hard, I felt my body failed me big-time. Noone I knew understood and I was very unsure of what to do next. Thought about donor eggs as I was told mine were abnormal for the most part I also had 2 bad tubes which made natural conception a big NEVER.
We had Blue Cross and stopped IVF when the coverage ran out.
Due to my state of mind after IVF, I went part time at work and tried to come back from the disapointment of not getting pregnant. Joined an infertility support group and heard The Cradle adoption agency speak and my hubby and I started the process of adoption. We took a home equity loan to pay for it. That was 2001. Today, I am the proud and grateful Mom of a son- 5 1/2 yrs and a daughter - 2 yrs old both adopted from the Cradle and another home equity loan taken. The Government does give you back $10,000.00 the year your adoption is final. so that does help slightly. We are still paying off both adoptions.
IT is still very very hard when alomst all Moms I know still talk about their pregnancy even if thier kids are 5 yrs or older. But, hers a qoute I love by Robert Frost.
" AND I, I TOOK THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED AND THAT MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE"
A., I wish you a family, but for this moment I wish you peace and acceptance. You will find a way to your dream if you look straight ahead and never waver.
Your life should not mirror anyone elses, it is your path to make.
Much compassion and understanding.
Cherylynn