EXTREMELY Touchy Subject

Honestly, you didn't give a lot of information that leads me to believe this child is autistic, in any way.

The dog thing, could be several things... 1) is he ever around dogs? Children will respond to animals in very different ways if they are not familiar with being around them. As for you trying to correct his behavior... you don't see him often, you are not his parent, and in his world... you have little authority. That really sounds more like a discipline problem then anything else that his mother just isn't teaching him that adults have authority.

2) Baby food... a friend of mine has a son who is not a good eater. He's healthy as a horse (been checked by the almighty doctors to verify) but just isn't overly interested in eating. To help boost his calories they give him jarred baby food...which he will eat sometimes. He is 2-1/2. He has days where he will eat everything in sight... and then go SEVERAL days with barely eating anything. Again, healthy... nothing wrong.. just not a good eater.

It could also be that mom just isn't aware of what her son can handle... or they have had struggles trying new foods.

3) Children can be very disrupted by change. He was not in his own home. He did not have his own schedule. Just that big of a change could have thrown his behavior off completely. My daughter is sensitive to change. She is 11 months old, and in perfect health. However, whenever we visit grandma and grandpa her sleep is completely disrupted and consequently she is easily over stimulated. So, the travel and change in environment could have played a big part in what you saw in this little boy. But just because he doesn't adapt to change well does not necessarily mean he is autistic.

If you ACTUALLY saw developmental delays in this child, there are many reasons beyond Autism that could account for it.

You also didn't give much information about mom. As far as not taking her son to well baby visits, who cares. She has made the choice to not vaccinate. This is not an easy decision, we actually follow a modified program in our house. Most parents who choose to not vaccinate have done so after educating themselves about the risks, benefits, and side affects. Those who do NOT educate themselves in this area are more likely to just listen to whatever their doctor tells them and blindly follow the cookie cutter medical advice.

It is quite easy to determine if a child is reaching milestones. There is a ton of information available at the library or online... you can even find free tests online done by universities to find out if your child is on track. So, a well baby visit really isn't necessary unless you want to be harrassed by the doctors regarding your decision to not vaccinate. In addition, there are MANY doctors who will actually kick you out of their practice if you choose to not vaccinate. She may have run into a very unfortunate situation like that.

You have provided very little evidence or information apart from your opinions about what should and should not be going on. As stated, he is going for preschool placement testing. Teachers are fairly in tune with where children should be at the various ages. If there is something of concern, most likely it will be caught and he would be referred for more testing.

You have to remember, there are many different ways to raise a child. Each parent is going to have their own style. Each child is unique. Some children are very compliant, some children are very high energy. You can't just make assumptions because a child or parenting style does not fit into your mould of 'what should be'. If you are going to approach someone who you see once a year about their child and what you THINK might be wrong... tred very lightly. You have a short visit as a basis of diagnosis and now want to go and tell your cousin who you see once a year that you believe her son is sick.

Granted, you might be right. Again, you have not provided enough information for anyone to really get a good picture of what you observed while they were there. But, tred lightly. Honestly, I wouldn't say anything at all. He is going to be tested at school, so that will give a baseline. In addition, Grandma and Grandpa watch him. I know my mom is very sensitive to what milestones my daugther is reaching. I know if she thought there was any delay she would mention it to me immediately.

If you decide to say something.... be careful.

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I just wanted to put this out here... as embarassing as it may sound - My fav baby food was the Tutti Frutti (some fruit mix) My mom continued to buy it for me as a treat until I was probably about 6yrs old. She bought the big like stage 3 jars or whatever and I ate it like pudding, feeding myself of course. She probably figured it was a healthy snack.
Does he eat other food too? As far as seeing the doctor to see if he is reaching milestones, she could read any baby book and figure that out. I take my kids every year, but I know people that don't. It is an opinion, whether or not they need to go if they aren't sick. So, telling her that he needs to go is your opinion, not necessarily a fact, and that will get you an argument. And sadly, yes, lots of 3yr olds do not know how to treat animals, especially if they have none. HOPEFULLY, she will get him tested for school placement and start his education and any problems would be discovered at that time - that would be this fall? If it was me, I would keep my mouth shut since the testing will be soon and their is no way to tell her that you think this without her getting offended.

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I'd let it go and let them sort it out on their own. If you only see them once a year, you probably aren't close enough to have a heart to heart conversation, so just let it go. Just my two cents...

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I don't understand why you think he is autistic?

I have a cousin that doesn't take her children to MD's none her kids are sick (4 of them). I recently had to change doctors for my daughter and it was the first time she was graded on the charts, I have to say that I thought it was a joke, comparing her to 100 kids the same age does what?

A 3 1/2 year old that is not around other people that often would not respond well to a virtual stranger. My daughter is 3 1/2 and she does not talk to people she doesn't know. We go to playgroups and parks and she sees lots of people, she doesn't warm up to new ones right away though...

Honestly I would advise you to tread very lightly. You could seriously offend some of your family, even if you are right.

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The fact that you are aware will go a long ways in making you ready to support her when the schools find an answer. I think it's best if you leave it up to them to tell her and then be available to help her with the news.

That subject is so hard. The child can live a relatively normal life with a good learning plan in place. Structure is key. Many school districts have great programs. You might check that out for her.

S.

Maybe your cousin's well aware of the 'difference' in her son. Could be she's either in denial, or embarassed. Or it could be he isn't getting proper discipline from anyone as to how to behave around animals and the consequences. If he misbehaves and a dog bites him, you stand responsible and face having to lose your dog just because someone didn't teach this kid proper behavior.
Bring that subject up with your cousin. That having your nephew and your dog in the same place is not a good plan. Or maybe your connective parent could talk to your cousin's parents, sibling to sibling, and broach the subject of getting him tested sooner.
Otherwise it is ultimately your cousin's responsibility. Her son will be tested for preschool or kindergarten. If they see something wrong they will cousel with her.

Sorry, Kim, but as big as your heart is and deep as your compassion is, this will have to be her cross to bear. But you'll be a pillar of strength when she needs you. Don't say "I thought so" because she might be upset no one said anything. Or resent that others seem "more intelligent" or observant about her own cub than she appears. That can create hurt and avoidance.

The heartbreaking part is that you only want to help, but the truth is, every parent thinks their kid is fine/perfect. By saying anything the parents will be put off and feel attacked or even competitive vibes from you.
I'd leave it alone. The teachers will do what is necessary and place him in appropriate learning levels.
I also have family that I am concerned about...the schools have done a great job in guiding them and giving them insights to their children...I have taken a supportive roll that allows me to agree with the schools and still be sympathetic to my family comming to grips with their children's social issues. It helps that I am not the messenger, just the outside perspective that can see a little about what the schools are trying to tell them.

Good Luck, S.

I'd say that you are not going to be able to fix this situation, but you could take a shot at talking to your cousin or her parents in a sweet & supportive way, expressing your concerns. Sounds like she's either uninformed or in denial, or both. If he is looked at by other adults along the way or gets into a preschool class, others will see it just like you did.

not sure why you think he NEEDs to go for well checks BUT let me qualify that by saying I personally dont go to all well checks but lets face it there is a certain knowledge that you have to have to make sure your child is growing correctly.... from your post it doesnt sound like she has that :(

you know anything you tell her is going to upset her - maybe you could find a few books for her to read so its not necessarily coming from you?

the dog thing is just a discipline problem sounds like....

jarred baby food? I would encourage the transition as gently as you can - but you need to determine the WHY - maybe its the child not the mom so ask lots of questions!

here is a link to a book I enjoy that balances home care with medical doctor care - perhaps she might find it interesting

http://www.amazon.com/Raise-Healthy-Child-Spite-Doctor/dp...

Hi,
Maybe talk to her parents the ones that take care of him, maybe they will be able to convince her to take him to the MD. He does need to go to check for milestones etc as you suggested. Probably talking to her directly isn't going to help. The eval for preschool,should give her fedback about how her child is doing. He may have hearing problems instead of autism, it's hard to know considering he's never gone to the MD. It's good you're concerned. I can't imagine why he's eating baby food from a jar? That somehow does not make sense??
L.

Hi K.,

I'd leave it alone, unless they bring up the subject. This is not life threatening where something needs acted on immediately. If he has autism, this isn't going to go away and isn't going to get worse because it's not labeled. It will eventually reveal itself to them and they can address it with their doctor. In the meantime, a trip to the doctor, for some other reason, gives the doctor the opportunity to ask some leading questions. He doesn't have a family relationship to risk.

Let them enjoy him as long as they can without a label. Once he's labeled, their life will never be the same. Don't take away the joy they have today.

This is just my thought, having experience with families with autistic children.

Good luck,

C.

Wow Kim, You have gotten a lot of answers. I have two kids on the autism spec. And I had a friend much like this she was against docs and her son ate baby food till he was five. He was obsessed with certain things and his speech was off. I tried talking to her and she went off the handle at me. The best thing I think is just let him be. It makes me so so so sick when parents don't get their kids help, but it is not your kid. I would get educated in autism there are a lot of great books. And Autism speaks is a great web site to check out. And if he is autistic and you tried to talk to him he probably did not understand you. You have to be short and not wordy with AS kids. Like ..You are hurting the dog. And repeat it ... The doggie has owies now... Honestly at that age my kids did not understand that if it was not hurting them then why was it hurting the dog. That is something I had to teach them.
And my friends little boy is in pre-school now. It is hard to know if he is getting the rite help. I suppose if his speech is still way behind this year they will say something in kindergarten. Take Care!! M.

hey that one of thoe things that ae never easy to bring up my you are family so tell her what you think better check him out and be wrong then never check and fail him good luck i hope you are wrong and he just a goffy brut of of boy good bless and best of luck

Honestly, just mind your own business and don't say anything. The only way it would be ok, is if you yourself are a pediatrician that deals with autism. You should know that, as a parent yourself.

Hello,

I have a 4 year old and I understand your concern's however children advance in thier own ways. My son repeats movies constantly and plays all by himself. Not because he is sick but because he wants to. Some people may think he has issues, but when he wants or needs to talk we are amazed at his intelligence.

T.V. could be a culprit, which we limit the amount he watches because I find that the more T.V. they watch the more signs of ADHD are exhibited, compared to those who don't.(I can say this because I work with children)

I notice you mentioned he isn't in daycare. Not being able to interact with children on a regular basis makes it difficult for some children to socialize in some cases. If this is the case and he doesn't get to play with children or cousins his age it may be a little harder to adapt to new situations and/or children as easily as others.

But I say don't push the issue, when he goes to school believe me they will let her know if he is having problems. In the school system where I live that is routine for kids to be checked thoroughly if they are axhibiting any kinds of issues. But the parent also has to be willing to accept it and take steps to correct or better any problems. Some parents will continually be in denial up until it's too late. Hearing it come from someone else may be what your cousin needs.

Take Care!

I have to agree with Renee H. There's not much here that says he's autistic. My best friend has two autistic boys, and my brother in law is autistic as well, not to mention one of my sons being on the autistic spectrum, so I have some expereince in signs/symptoms of autism. It sounds to me like he was uncomfortable talking to you because he didn't really know you. As far as the dog, I think it's a little harsh to say it's a discipline thing. (not that it MIGHT not be) Honestly though, show me any toddler who's never been around a dog of their own (or one that fits your dogs size/description) that doesn't act a little wacky and go crazy over it. Your cousin may not know what your dog is comfortable with, and assume that since you have kids your dog is accustomed to it. Feel free to set your own limits in your own home or with your own animal/s. Some kids just do things a little differently. Some are more shy and like to have things "just so" for comfort, and some are more outgoing and adaptable. There's nothing wrong with either. The baby food is a little strange, but again, maybe he just likes it for a snack now and then. I know my grandma bought me baby food (even the dinner kinds) for a snack until I was 4 or 5, because they were easy to take with, healthy, and I liked them. Don't judge him too harshly for being the little person he is. As far as the doctor goes - honestly, I don't take my kids either unless they're sick (school enrollment checkups aside). What is the point of taking them to the doctor and paying for them to say "yep, they're healthy! Come back for another checkup [and payment] soon!" It's a straight up waste of money if you're not vaccinating. Regular checkups are good if you're the self-questioning or uneducated-on-child-development type of parent and would like some reassurance, but other than that, I personally don't see much point - again, unless you're vaccinating. I would say maybe ask your cousin "I noticed Johnny was still eating baby food the other day. What's up with that? Does he just like it for a special treat now and then?" I would leave the rest of it alone. The doctor or the school system will let her know if he's having an actual problem and you can avoid the stickiness of the situation all together. If he isn't treating your dog right the next time you see him, just say "Johnny, could you please not do that, it makes Fido unhappy/hurts Fido" I wouldn't mention anything else AT ALL unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure due to an overwhelming body of evidence that fits classical diagnosis criteria, that the child is actually autistic. Even then I would approach it lightly. If he is actually autistic, he's probably running her ragged as a parent (not that any 3 year old doesn't!), and she'd be greatful for a gentle approach and some helpful information/contacts.

I personally wouldn't say anything. From what you've said.. it could be his personality. Are you saying his milestones aren't being met because he isn't around kids in a day care all day? Or that he's eating jarred baby food?

I think it's something they'll have to come to terms with themselves.

She may not be telling everyone everything. She knows her son best and will do the best by him. He may have swallowing issues and that may be the reason for the baby food. She knows he is to be tested to see what program is best for him. She knows there is a problem and probably doesn't want to share and have everyone's varying opinions. I would keep my nose out of it to save the relationship and let her deal with it. You can keep him in your thoughts and prayers and be a good friend to her when she needs you.

Well... yes, a tough situation and a delicate subject, but frankly I'm a little surprised by some of the responses so far.

There could be more to the story, but if he is only eating jarred baby food at 3 1/2, I think that is a HUGE issue. Have you tried of-handedly asking about foods he likes or bringing up some meal ideas that work for your family? Just a thought...

As for the lack of medical attention. A lot of these responses seem to suggest a negative connotation toward medical attention and frankly I'm surprised (and concerned!). If you are not happy with your current medical care than FIND A NEW DOCTOR. These are our kids we're talking about! So what if they chart your kid against 100 others - it's a basis of comparison and intended to offer a guideline and track (through routine visits and regular care) growth, development and changes in health. I choose to err on the side of caution. I am not a doctor; therefore I am in no way qualified to diagnose anything. I am not a roofer; therefore I wouldn't put a roof on my house without consulting an expert. SO yeah, when it comes to the heath of my family, I'm going to go with the experts, even if they're never "sick". Sorry, big tangent there, but c'mon Moms.
Perhaps your cousin doesn't have insurance? I'd try to explore the ideals behind the no doc visits thing. Even if she chooses not to vaccinate her child, she still needs to develop a relationship for regular routine care.

If she is aware of "different" behavior, it's no excuse. Sorry, it's hard or not what you expected, but get over it. This child needs an advocate and if indeed there is something that needs to be addressed it is irresponsible to suggest that everyone should turn a blind-eye and hope that someone else will catch it and have the wherewithal to do something about it. Autism is complicated and can present symptoms on a very, very broad spectrum. Again, we're not experts here. What's the worst that could happen? They do some testing and tell her nope, that's not it?! At least you know. On the other hand, if he is on the autism spectrum than he qualifies for a lot of extra support, information and resources and everything becomes easier for the family and more importantly for this child.

I guess you're going to have to decide how to approach it. Are you close? Are you trying not to ruffle the feathers in an already distant relationship? Could you approach the parents? If you truly can not talk to the family, you could anonymously contact the school for suggestions. If it were me and it were my best friend that I saw everyday I would still find a way to bring it up. Could be it's nothing. Could be more... All she can accuse you of is caring.

At the very least it sounds like your cousin could use some extra help and support. Maybe she is overwhelmed and inexperienced and needs to connect with other moms for support and suggestions. Perhaps you could recommend this site to her as well. It's been a good resource for many of us.

Sorry for the great big rant, but thank you for reading. I applaud you for having the guts to put it out there. I'm not sure there is a right answer to this one, but you're going to have to trust your gut and own the results of whatever you decide.

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UPDATE:

I had emailed this to an AI Specialist in our area and this was her response:

Sure, lots of thoughts. There is harm in not being labeled because early intervention improves prognosis. One study talked about how early intervention teaches a child appropriate routines (ways of getting what they want or how to move through steps of getting ready for bed, for example) but a child with undiagnosed autism will develop their own routines at risk of being maladaptive BECAUSE they are unable to filter and apply feedback from parents/others due to the nature of the disability. And routines are self-serving (everything is). Example: a child wants a drink. Asks as best he can but parent doesn't respond immediately. Child yells loudly and parent gets the milk. It can be hard to alter that routine because it worked. Neurotypical children can learn to ask as their speech develops and parent will reinforce them for doing so. But the child with autism has limited use of language and may not be able to ask verbally -- uses the 'loud' yelling and turns it into screaming for milk. Parent gets the milk because they know it will quiet their child who is in distress. Early intervention may teach child to sign or use picture exchange for items they want replacing the need for a noisy request.

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I think the possible autism is only the tip of the iceberg! He is going to have socialization problems, learning problems, separation problems just to name a few. I'd suggest talking to your cousin. Perhaps in a non direct way by telling stories of other kids by sharing their stories, about seeing the doc, about being around other kids, have her look into what the kindergarten check list entails for incoming kids. They should do some basic testing for motor skills and such and pick up on it there. But most of all, start getting the message across. Be direct, beat around the bush, whatever you feel comfortable with. I've seen too many kids left back either starting K late or repeating it because they don't have the social skills alone.

I would wait until the fall when she tries to enter him in preschool. Any teacher worth their weight in salt will be able to notice a problem and will suggest what to do from there. That way, you're not involved in that part.

In the last month I gave some professional and mom advice that offended one of the subscribers. So, I just want to say, that it is not my intention to give a diagnosis; however, as a Speech-Language Pathologist, I am trained in the evaluation of Autism. If your cousin's child is beginning a preschool program that will be AWESOME. There are times when being around other "typically" developing peers can help to "grow" social skills and no formal intervention is needed. However, there are other times where it is; and, a lot of preschool teachers have been trained to observe the red flags. If there continues to be concerns, they would make referrals for the appropriate professionals to observe the child (School Psychologist, School Social Worker, and Speech-Language Pathologist, and perhaps an Occupational Therapist) There really isn't much that you can do except pray and be supportive if and when something is noticed. As a mom, I would be worried just like you are. The fact that you are concerned shows how much you care about both of them. I am really glad that you are willing to be there for her if your cousin needs you!
B.