Explaining Multiple Deaths to a Very Upset 3 Year Old ?

Hi J.!

I'm a certified Child Life Specialist and a part of our job is to work with families experiencing loss of some sort. You may want to go to hospice.net (In this response there may even be quotes from the website) as they have a great array or resources and educational materials to help with loss.

There are a few key things to keep in mind:
1. It is important for children to have the death explained to them in simple, honest and truthful terms. Especially a three year old can get confused by the unknown or without a simple explanation.
2. Parents who are open when expressing grief allow their little one to mourn as well. It is helpful to provide an outlet of expression of some sort: drawing a picture for the loved one(s) lost can do a lot with the coping process.
3. Reiteration is key. A 3 yr old will probably ask the same questions over and over again, it may take a while for them to understand death entirely.
4. It is also important to let them know that they did not do anything wrong to cause the death. That is good that they are telling them they are loved.

With children 2-6 yrs old-
- they will see death as being reversible
- they need small amounts of information at one time
- can pick up on physical cues
- may regress (thumbsucking, etc.)
- have physical manifestations (tummy aches, etc)
- look for someone who has died is normal
- need their structure and normalcy

Death can be said as "when the body stops working" or "when they do not breathe, talk, feel think, etc."
"When dogs die they do not bark or run," "When flowers die they do not grow or bloom"

If loved ones have died due to an illness it is important to say that everyone gets sick but usually we get better. They cannot get the sickness the loved one had. This person got all the medicine they could but their body could not fight the sickness anymore.

And it is also important to follow your instincts as a mom, caregiver, etc. Only you know the child best and their coping abilities. Some good books to read include, "I Miss You:A First Look at Death" by Pat Thomas and Lesley Harker, "I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand" by Pat Pakmer, Dianne O'Quinn Burke, "Sad Isn't Bad" by R.W. Alley or "My Many Colored Days" by Dr. Seuss.

A lot of communities also offer some sort of local bereavement support group. It may be worth it to look some up in your area (I'm not sure what is offered in Bermuda)

I hope this was some help! If you need anything please feel free to msg me.

Hi J.,

Can they not tell him about everything that is going on. He is only 3 years old. This is a lot for kids to take on. This happened to my nephew as well. My mother and father and grandparents are all gone. And he did the same thing to my sister. This started him into theropy. He has a lot of issues now. He is now 18 years old, and very emotional. I think its my sister fault for showing him to much to soon. I would not have my children see them if they are that ill. This is just my opinion, because I have seen what it could do to a child. They will see things in time, in there lives we do not have to show it all at once. Good Luck! :)

Hi J.,

This must be really tough for Becky and Tim! Please extend my condolences to them. Becky and Tim should grieve in front of Bryce. Maybe not the big sobbing kind, but he should know that they too are upset and sad. Otherwise, Bryce will be learning that death is something to be swept under the rug emotionally. He also needs to be told that this was not his fault (especially for his grandfather, since they all found him unconscious) and that, while death does happen, and is a part of life, losing 5 people in such a short period of time is unusual. Basically, listen to him, reassure him as often as necessary, but without lying and without denying his feelings (which could be done by denying their feelings, not expressing them - in a controlled way - in front of him, as well as by verbally minimizing what he's feeling.)

Hope this helps.
K.

I am so sorry to hear about all you are going through. My son is 4, when my Grandmother passed away (he called her Nanny), I explained how she was very, very, very old & sick, but now she's in heaven. You have to explain that heaven is a good place! I didn't realize I never explained what heaven was and he was telling my Nephew heaven was bad. I explained that it is a beautiful place & that Nanny wasn't sick any more & that she could still watch over us. That heaven is where people (pets, bugs) go when it is their time. (And their time is usually when they are very, very old, or sick that can't be cured, etc....) I do also agree that greiving in front of him is important. He needs to understand that it is okay to cry and feel bad. He needs to see emotion and understand it. I hope all goes well for you.