What to Tell 3 Year Old About DEATH of Grandpa?

DON'T tell him that he went to sleep!!! You are right that a kid who hears that could be afraid to sleep for a very long time (can you blame them??). Why do we think we need to lie to kids? They can accept a surprising number of things on faith that is hard for us to understand. Think of Santa Claus - makes perfect sense to them. Mom my died 3 weeks ago and she had been sick for a long time. The day it happens I was a crying wreck. As I was rushing them off to a friend's house my 3.5 yr old daughter sked, a bit paniced, "mommy what is wrong?" I pulled over and told her. We talked about how grandma was sick and at the hospital and that she is no longer sick anymore but that now she is in heaven with Jesus. As we readied for the funeral, I got a book called "What Happened When Grandma Died" (I think) that was my favorite of the ones I looked at (written by a mom who had to explain a death to her special needs daughter - it had to be very simple and direct). Basically we told my daughter that God gives us a house to live in and a body to live in while we are here in the world. She understood that - she can see and touch it. Then we explained that when we die, God gives us a new body in heaven and a new place to live (nice to also be teaching her biblical truth). Since He gives us a new body, we don't need the old one anymore. So, at the funeral we will see her old body (but remember, she isn't there anymore - she is with Jesus). And people who she loved will come and say good bye to her and some may be crying because they miss her. Some people may be smiling because they are remembering happy times. That is when I explained that no matter how she felt, it was OK. I was hugely surprised at HOW OK she was with all of this. She walked up to the casket and told everyone that this is grandma's old body, but she was in heaven with Jesus. Now, I don't know what you say if you have no faith or don't believe in Jesus. I guess you could still say that while we are in this world we have a body and when we die we don't need it anymore (and just leave out the part about getting a new body). But if you can't reconcile your beliefs with what you tell your kids, then your beliefs may need some evaluation. Your beliefs, no matter what they are, need to be able to be boiled down so a toddler can start to understand. A funeral, or preparing for one, is the perfect place to share some core principles of your faith with your kids. I don't think a 3 year old can understand that he might never see grandpa again, so he isn't going to "cherish" this visit in case it is his last. They live too much in the present, and that is a wonderful gift. He might ask every day for a while if he can see grandpa again and you might have to remind him about where grandpa is, and maybe find a good way to remember grandpa (a photo, video, etc??). Just remember, be honest, be loving, be short and to the point. And be patient because your kids will grieve in some way. They may miss the person who died, or may just be reacting to your mood and all the weird things going on (being gone or being gone at odd times to plan or attend a funeral, people stopping by, need foods from people who bring meals, etc). Oh, and this is a great time to talk with grandpa if he has any questions about his faith - guess you can't really tell your child he went to be with Jesus if he doesn't believe in Jesus. Good luck and I pray you can cherish these last moments with your dad. If you haven't been through this before, just be patient with yourself. I know it still seems a bit surreal - I have to wonder if that part will really ever go away.

2 moms found this helpful

When my grandmother died last year, we were very up front with our three year old. My original intent had been to keep him from the viewing and the funeral, but since my husband couldn't be there, I was there alone, and if I wanted to attend, I had to bring the boys. They did remarkably well. We told my three year old that she was old and her body stopped working--a variation would work for your father in law, too--he was getting older, and he got a very bad kind of sickness and it made his body weak until it didn't work anymore. My guess is that even if you're absolutely not religious, you might still believe in the concept of a soul, and we used our own religious beliefs to supplement that idea--grandma's soul still lives, in our hearts, in our memories, in heaven--but her body wasn't useful anymore, so they put it in the ground. He did go to the viewing, and when he saw her, I was very very thankful that most of the people there were relatives who love my son; he said, very loudly, Are those her bones in there?? A couple random things...I did have to work to keep my own grief in check. I'm not a hugely emotional person, but I did try to keep my tears more sedate. I also tried to keep my son from too close of contact with those who were really overcome (my dad, whose mother it was, really wanted my son close by, but he was really sobbing--I said no). We dealt with questions for probably 9 months about death. I would encourage you to do everything you can to indicate to him that this death is NOT commonplace, that it's NOT common, but if he insists that it can happen--which obviously it does--I just reassured my son that IF the worst were to happen, he still has tons of people who love him (My son is very, very good at taking a small idea and extrapolating. That might be more than a lot of 3 year olds want to know.). I would even perhaps allow him to visit his grandfather--to see the gradual death. My grandmother knew she was dying for quite a while, and it helped all of us to see her not be HER for a while before she passed on.Kids then see that death is usually not this sudden, I-lost-my-mother-last-night thing--he doesn't need to worry about YOU dying tonight. Yeah, they do recommend not telling your child the person went to sleep; then they fear they will die in their sleep. I just told my son her body stopped working, and when that happens, they die. We had a pretty good experience, all things considered. I'm so sorry for your loss; I hope you can find some peace for your son.

My daughter in laws father passed away last August when my granddaughter was only 23 months old. She hadn't seen him much since march because he was so sick and she couldn't be around him with the chemo and all. It was hard on my daughter in law and her family and my granddaughter knew how upset they were. They simply told her that Grandpa Ron went to live with Jesus. She was young enough that she cheered and clapped at the music and gun salute at the funeral, which he would have loved. One thing you should know with a young child is that some of them see the spirit of the departed loved one. It kind of freaked out my daughter in law and her mother when my little granddaughter would talk with her grandpa ron, having tea parties with him and waking up in the mornings saying "good morning Ron" She also was in the car with her grandma when her grandma pulled over to a lookout that was special to her and Ron and was crying softly. Emma all the sudden said "Hi there Ron" and her grandma said "where is Grandpa Ron?" Emma pointed to the seat next to her grandma and said "there". She also was in the car with me when we were coming home in a bad blizzard and couldn't hardly see the road last fall. When we got to town I said "thank you God for watching over us" and Emma who had just turned 2 said "Thank you Grandpa Ron" I asked if Grandpa Ron was with us and she said yes. I finally asked her doctor about it and he said it was pretty common for young children to see the spirits, he had heard of it a lot in his practice.

So sorry about Grandpa. I agree with the other posts, but would add one more thing. Let your little ones visit with him as often as Grandpa is able and villing. It can be a comfort to everyone involved, just being able to spend time together. You don't need to "do" anything, even let the little ones play on the floor near Grandpa can be a visit, too. Peace be with all of you.

You can very simply tell him that sometimes, when people get very old or very sick, their bodies get too tired and stop working.
You can explain that it's the same with animals, plants, and even electronics. Remind him that Grandpa loves him very much and you will all always remember him and love him back, even if you can't see him anymore.
My boys have only really experienced death with animals, but they understand what death means and are OK with it. It's a natural process and it doesn't have to be scary. My oldest sometimes asks what will happen if my husband or I die, or when it will happen, and we tell him that he will always be taken care of and that, even though it will be sad, things will be OK, no matter when it happens.

I would tell him that his grandpa is going to fall asleep, and when he wakes up, he'll be in heaven. And tell him about all the great things in heaven (if you believe it heaven). It is hard to understand, but at least he will know grandpa is in a great place, even though everyone left here will miss him. Good luck...

I'm sorry to hear about your father in law. My prayers are with you and your family. When I recently went to a furneal for a friend they had pamphlets to explain death to children of all ages. There are also books from your local libray. Whatever you decide please do not tell them that grandpa is sleeping because yes they will fear that. May the Lord be with you.

We have a book in our house called "The Next Place." It specifically deals with death and is a good image for kids to have about death. Doesn't get into religion or anything, but I feel it gives comfort when discussing such a difficult concept. Good luck to you and your family.

S.,

I would say just to be honest with him. Kids are so perceptive. If you hide things from him or lie to try and save his feelings, he will figure somethings up and it can just make it harder. Some parents guess what their children are thinking and start answering questions that haven't been asked. (Mommy won't die, too, etc.) That can often create concerns that were never there. It's better to ask the child what he is thinking and feeling and what he wants to talk about.

Our good friends had to bury their 9 1/2 month old son - he was their third child. The grief counselor told them the older children (age 6 and 4) would mourn differently than adults. They might be sad for a couple minutes, then go out to play like nothing happened. Then go back to being sad another day or ask lots of questions, including the same ones over and over and over. So be patient and let him grieve in his own way.

If he has trouble coping long term, there are grief counseling places for children. The people I know who have used them speak highly of them.

If you have faith and religion, now is the time to lean on it. If you have a belief in the here after, share with your 3 year old where you believe people go after this life.

I am sorry to hear that your family must go through this. I hope you find peace through this difficult time.

S.

S.,

I am so sorry to hear about your father in law. It is certainly a difficult time, and I sympathize with you - my father in law is struggling with cancer as well. Children have a hard time dealing with this situation no matter their age - my oldest are 22,20, and 15. The 1 year old just won't comprehend no matter what, so it's a bit easier for me.

I agree with what you've heard about "going to sleep". It's dangerous to use that phrase with young children because they go to sleep and can't differentiate between death and sleep.

I also agree with the poster that it really depends on your belief system. If you believe in God and all that goes with it you can use that to explain to the little one that he's going home to God, that his body is tired and can't stay here any more but that he will be in heaven waiting for him.

If you don't, you can still use pieces of that explanation - that when you grow very old your body gets too tired to stay. I like the poster's suggestion to use the "lives on in your heart" explanation. That's a very good way to explain it without religion.

Be as honest as possible with a 3 year old. At that age try to relate it to something that he can understand without tying it to "sleep" or "being tired". Maybe the hourglass analogy, where you only have so much "time" and you run out of sand, etc... something that he can grasp that's understandable but that also doesn't make him think he's going to die if he gets tired/goes to sleep.

L.

Kids are really interested in this sort of thing.

When we were flipping through our church directory I said something to my husband about the lady who had died. Our 3 year old daughter was right there playing and she came to look and kept asking who died. So I showed her the picture. For about the next hour she sat there staring at the picture asking why she died.... I was shocked because I didn't even think she was listening!

So, I just told her that God needed the lady up in Heaven so she went to be with Jesus. (The lady was a Christian and had excepted Jesus as her savior.) I just told her that every time she asked me.

There is not much else you can do except to be honest. Just don't lie because this will be a tramic experience and your child will probably remember what you say for the rest of his life.

we just lost my grandmother, too. my 3 1/2 year old was there in the hospital with us as she neared death. it was all very sad, but i'm glad we were there.

i got a book called "grandma's gone to live with the stars". it helped my daughter and my nephew immensely! my nephew also lost his grandmother, so he had two deaths to deal with in a very short time. (he is also 3). my sister believes in heaven (my family does not), and her son had a very hard time with this concept. he kept saying "if grandma is in heaven, then i want to go visit her!". he mourned for a long time, and when i suggested this book, it really helped him. it is simply the grandmother being sick and dying, and then saying goodbye to her family, her pets, her garden, and then slowly growing wings and going up to live with the stars. we still look up in to the sky and try to figure out which star is great-grandma! i like the book because you can interpret it for your family: if you believe in heaven/god or not.

good luck to you and your family. i'm sorry about your father in law.

My dad died just before my daughter turned three. It took many conversations for her to understand death. What you believe will determine what you say. My daughter had a book about caterpillars changing into butterflies and we read this many times so she knew about metamorphosis. When my dad was in hospice we read the book and I told her Grandpa was like a caterpillar in a chrysalis. He was changing from a man into a spirit, and when he didn't need his body anymore his spirit would fly to heaven like a butterfly and his body would be left like the shell of a chrysalis. She had many questions and was sad that she wouldn't be able to see Grandpa anymore. She asked right away if she would die and if I was going to die. I didn't talk about eventualities but assured her that she and I were healthy and not dying. We talked about death throughout the whole year after my dad's death. It took a long time for her to grieve and understand, but we got through it well. He is now 4, and she still prays for grandpa every night before bed. Her great-grandmother just died last week and it was much easier on her even though she knew her better than my dad. She was sad, but she comforted me by telling me the things I had told her after my father's death.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father in law. My heart goes out to your family. I don't know what your beliefs are.. but when my grandma passed away my boys were 4,5 and 8. We went into more detail with our 8 year old but with our younger one's I just explained to them that God tells us when its time for us to be born and then he tells us when its time to come back with him in heaven. Even though we can't see her anymore with our eyes we now will see her with our hearts and she is watching over us all the time. Pretty much left it at that. When they would ask if we could go see grandma I had to remind them she was in heaven. He is pretty young so I wouldn't go into very much detail keep it very simple.
If your beliefs are different.. then I would tell him that when someone dies that thier love leaves thier body and lives in our hearts.

I wish you strength during this time, it's so hard on every body.

If you believe in heaven, we used the phrase, "so and so when to live with Jesus". We expressed that it is a good place, and it is a good thing to go live with Jesus. We also said that we were sad because we weren't going to see them anymore until we go live with Jesus too, but that we were happy because so and so was with Jesus. At this age they don't get it, but it seems to answer their questions. Be prepared for them to ask over and over about it. Good luck, and sorry for you having to go through this.

My daughter was 3 when my father died from cancer, so I know where you're coming from. We lived in the same town and therefore she was going to see him constantly as he became sicker and went through chemo. We decided to be as open as we possible could about everything. We thought that it would be scarier for her to always wonder what's going on with Grandpa then to have us be completely open with her. We explained to her in simple terms that Grandpa had a very bad disease called cancer and he was going to be very sick. She was with me when I shaved the remaining hair off his head so that his pillow wasn't covered in the morning. She visited him in the hospital when he needed to be in there. She drew him pictures while we visited. As the cancer spread to his brain, there were times where she couldn't be around because he couldn't handle the noise and energy that comes from a toddler.
She was also in the hospital room when we took his oxygen off and allowed him to die from a blood clot in his lung (a side effect from the chemo). We decided to let him go then instead of making him endure more pain as the cancer took over his body. She saw him take his last breath and die. I believe letting her experience that made the visitation and funeral less of a mystery to her. She wasn't even scared to view him in the casket.
I know not all children would be able to handle what my daughter did. You are the best one to know what your child can handle and what they can't. Take it one step at a time and if it seems like he/she is having trouble coping than step back a little and slow down the information. But, don't keep it completely a secret. Children become more scared when they think there are secrets and things being kept from them. They can have a very vivid imagination.
Take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you.