Explaining Death to 2 1/2 Year Old

My grandma died when I was 2-1/2. I still remember things when she was alive and I remember her funeral (this was over 50 years ago!) I went to the funeral and I kept thinking someone ought to wake grandma up and she would probably want to cook some food! That was probably very h*** o* my dad to keep telling me she wasn't asleep, she had died... My mom didn't go to the funeral because she was about 9 months pregnant with my younger sister. I went to lots of funerals when I was little and I think it helped me understand that death is an inevitable part of life. It's not fun to learn, but it is a necessary thing to learn.

I definitely don't think you should just say nothing.

I definitely don't think you should lie, either, and say they've gone away on a trip, or they had to go away, or they've gone to sleep or anything that would give her a wrong impression of what death is.

When my mother in law passed away a couple of months ago, I told my (barely) 3-yr old daughter that her grandma went to live somewhere else, in a place called Heaven, and that we wouldn't be able to see her anymore. We continue to talk about grandma as if she were here, in the hopes that my daughter may have some memories. I don't know if this is the right approach for you, but it works for us.

My son's father died when he was 4, so even though he was a little older, I do have experience with this. You have gotten a lot of great answers. One thing, let your daughter see you cry. That let's her know it is a natural response and not one you need to hide. You don't need to completely loose it, that may make her afraid, but controlled crying is a natural part of life. Also, be prepared for lots of questions. For us, it was important my son knew his father was sick with something the doctors couldn't give him medicine for, that he fought it very hard, and his body gave out. He didn't need to worry because his dad had Cancer, and that wasn't like getting a cold.
Good luck, and I am sorry to hear about your brother.
R.

Since she was close to him, I would tell her that he went to heaven and he wont be back. If she gets upset, give her a hug and answer any questions. Then leave it at that. Kids are very resilient and when she gets older she is not going to remember it.

If you are having trouble trying to determine how to broach the subject with your daughter, you may want to try to initiate the conversation with a book. If you go to a book store (not a super store, but one that specializes in just books), the children's section staff is usually trained in helping finding books for explaining all sorts of situations - including death - to children of all ages. If you ask a staff memeber they can point you in the right direction and you can pick out a book that meets your daughters needs - and you beliefs.

Reading a story for a situation like this helps to put the event into a perspective for a child without overly upsetting the child using the story/book. Depending on the book you can draw parallels to the uncle that has passed on and is now in a better place, that it is ok to miss him and be sad, and draw out how your daughter is feeling by asking how she thinks a character in the book feels. From there depending on the kind of questions your daughter may have you can answer them - kids seem to see the bigger picture better than adults. Good luck and sorry for you loss.
-L.

I know exactly what you are going through. My Dad died last year after being sick for quite some time and my twins were very close to them. They were about 2 1/2 at the time as well. He and my Mom had been in Florida when he got really sick the last time and my Mom asked me to drive down to be with her. I came home from work that day and told the boys that Pappa was very very sick and had a lot of boo boos. The drew pictures of his boo boos and kisses to give him. He was barely conscious when I got there the next day and died that night. What my husband and I told the boys when I got back was that Pappa doesn't have anymore boo boos now because he went to heaven. They didnt really know what heaven was, but we told them pappa was in a beautiful place with angels and not all hiw boo boos were gone and he would watch over them forever. We alos told them pappa would always be in their hearts and their memories and that he was in a happy place where he didnt feel anymore pain anymore. Believe it or not, it wasn't that bad explaining it to them. For a little while they kept asking where he was when we went to their house, but we just told them again that he was with the angels. We let them talk about him all they want and show them videos and pictures and they tell me sometimes that they miss him and have dreams about him. I dont know if you believe in heaven or not, but that was the easiest way for our kids to feel better about pappa not being around anymore. It has been a little over a year and like I said, they still ask about him, and talk about him, but in their own way they seem to understand. I hope this helps

I think how YOU feel about death and dying can largely depend on how you handle this. This is part of life, whether it's a pet, parent, uncle or someone or something you're not "attached to".

If you believe in God and are a Christian, then this is about leaving a life behind for something BETTER!!! No more tears, no more sickness, etc. That's NOT to say that you don't miss them, it's OKAY to miss them, but you realize that they are in a MUCH better place and you wouldn't want them to come back.

The Bible says in Hebrews that angels become God's messengers that He uses to help others. THAT is comforting.

I've been thru the death of a fiance, death of a gal I cheered with in college (while in college), numerous family members & friends, etc etc. I have still talked openly with those individuals AFTER they died AND heard their voices. NO, I'm NOT CRAZY!!!

I know others who do or have talked with friends and family members who do the same thing. It's VERY comforting. Talk to an elderly person who's lost a spouse, or child who's lost a parent. You'll find MANY times that they still talk to them. Sometimes it's a specific place, but not necessarily.

Talk about the GREAT times you/she had with him. Make a scrapbook if you want. They can be pics, thoughts, etc. This is HEALING. Trust me.....I've had to do this type of thing repeatedly!

Last Friday we were watching fireworks at a friend's house. Abbie, who's 6, was texting her dad who had been working on finishing my roof when we left. This was at the END of the fireworks.

She took a couple of pics of the end of the fireworks. The camera was still on my cell and there were NO fireworks. HOWEVER, there was a "light" that continually hovered back & forth. YOU COULD NOT SEE THIS WHEN LOOKING AT THE SKY....ONLY WHEN LOOKING ONTO THE CELL'S CAMERA!!!

We looked at the sky and then the camera SEVERAL times just to make sure we weren't missing something. She asked me if it was a ghost. I told her "NO", but that it must be an angel watching over us. She tells me she "feels" my fiance's hand squeezing hers sometimes. I DO NOT DISPUTE this because I've "felt it" too, EVEN when I'm completely engrossed in something else.

Sometimes, you don't have to SAY anything. Ask her how she feels and let her do the talking. Answer ?s when she asks, say, "I don't know" when you don't or it's appropriate. I usually say, "I don't know, but that's a GREAT ?" Discuss your thoughts.

Trust me on this........the wisdom of a child about these things can be FAR greater than ours! At FOUR, my niece told me we shouldn't be sad when people die because they just become God's messengers. She's RIGHT! The Bible tells us that. She went on to say that we can still talk to them and they still hear us, even though we can't hear them. It was VERY humbling to hear this from a four year old when I was overwhelmed and struggling with the death of my finace. She told my brother, "It's okay, Dad. He's with God now."

Doesn't get much clearer than that!

When my son was about this age, my grandfather passed away. They too were very close. As a religious family, I explained to my son that his grandpa was going to heaven to see Jesus and that we wouldn't be able to see him for awhile. I told him it was okay to feel however he felt about it (mad, sad, etc...) and that he could talk to me. I told him that I was going to miss grandpa and I knew he would too but one day we would go to heaven to see him and Jesus. I also gave him a couple of pictures of his grandfather. One I taped to his bed (as night time seemed to be when his mind wandered onto the issue) and one he could carry around. It was important to me to make sure he adjusted well as I lost my other grandfather at this same age and I remember it like it was yesterday. Your right, I don't know that children this little understand death. I don't remember understanding anything but that I wasn't going to get to see him for a long time. That is why I took this approach with my son. It worked very well. He talked to me about how he was feeling when he wanted to and I let him know he could ask questions....and he did. The pictures worked wonders too because he could see his grandfather. He talked to them and everything. This is going to be a difficult time for you both no matter what approach you take. You are doing a great job by just caring this much about how your child feels! You can do this...I will be praying for your family. God bless.

My daughter was about the same age when my grandmother died. She had been going to see her twice a week since her birth so I just took her to the furneral home for a short time for the viewing with the family and explained grandma had gone to be with grandpa and the angels and couldn't talk to us anymore. I let her touch grandma and see how cold she was and then after a little while took her to a friend's house. When she asked about grandma after that I reminded her that grandma had gone to be with grandpa and we couldn't visit with her anymore and got out some family pictures she could look at when she wanted to see her. By the time we went to the cemetary the next spring she had adapted well enough and helped plant flowers on the graves. I didn't want to tell her she was asleep, because I didn't want her to be afraid to sleep and I wasn't going to lie to her either because death is a natural part of life and she shouldn't be afraid of it either.

My father died when my daughter was 11 months...i know she did not understand then but since she has been to several funerals. I told her GOD was ready for them to come to heaven...their bones are in the coffin but their spirit is in Heaven with God. My daughter was about your daughters age when my husbands uncle died, it was quiet, and then all of a sudden, my daughter said SHHHH, Uncle Curt is sleeping...OUTSIDE. It was when we were at the cemetary!!! I gues just in as simple terms as possible and be ready for questions for a long time. GOODLUCK

My son was right about that age when his great grandma passed away. I'm not sure what your views on God are, but with our son we just told him that Grandma needed to go be with God in Heaven. Any time he asked about her, we just reminded him that she was in Heaven with Jesus. At that age he seemed to accept that answer and just leave it at that. Hope this helps.

HI T.,

Sorry for your loss. My grandfather died in May. I have a 3 year and a 1 year old. We took them to the viewing, but not to the actual funeral. I didn't know how I was going to hold up at the funeral and didn't want to have to worry about them. Anyway, we tried to explain as much as we could to my older child because we also knew that he would be asking about grandpa. My grandpa had been sick for a long time, but we were very careful to not use that as am explanation for his death. We didn't want our son associating every cold/cough/fever (sick) with dying. We told him that when you get old sometimes your body stops working and then people die. He seemed to accept that. He still asks questions and we just tell him that grandpa was really old and his body was so tired that it stopped working so we can't see him anymore.

I was surprised at how much talking to my son about the death helped me deal with my feelings. I am glad we told him what was going on (or at least I hope he understood). He picked up on everyone feeling sad at the funeral home and asked us why. Then we told him that people were just sad because they were going to miss seeing grandpa. He then said that he was going to give people hugs to make them feel better. I was the proudest mommy ever that day.

I explained death to my boys about their great grandfather that he was very sick and fell asleep. He didn't wake up. Now he is in heaven with God. They think heaven is in the sky. I tell them anytime they want to talk to him, they can talk out loud and grandpa is right there. He is always with us now. If they want to see him, I have pictures on the wall and our piano, near their play area, of great grandma and great grandpa. They can go there to see them and talk to them anytime they want. When they are sad, I tell them it's okay to talk to me about it or cry. I have special things for them and the cousins of theirs to remember them by.

Although my piano is not in great shape, it was given to me by my great grandma. I don't play very often anymore, but anytime I look at it I always think of her. I have things my grandpa made, and I tell my kids about things they liked to do, about the military, places they visited, etc.

How often did they see each other? You said they were close... she's going to ask and you NEED to tell her the truth. Take her to the funeral and/or viewing so she can say good-bye like everyone else.

My grandma died when my neice was 2 and they saw each other once a week. My neice is 12 now and doesn't remember her at all but she asked about her several times the first few months after she died. When she asked, we just told her "remember you said goodbye to her when she died? She's in heaven having fun and will see you when you get there." That was good enough... she'd think for a minute, say she remembered and go on to play with something. Having that concrete goodbye really helped her alot.

I think you should tell her. My son was about that age when my uncle died. I told him that he was sick & died, and that he was now up in Heaven and was an angel keeping an eye on him. I never said he would never see him again - and the question didn't come up. I focused more on the fact that he was an angel now. My son is now 10, and unfortunately he has been to many funerals. He cried the hardest when our cat died about 2 years ago. This year (Feb & June) both my in-laws passed away - one set of his grandparents - He handled it pretty well. He cried some tears, but he knows they are up in Heaven and that just means even more angels are up there watching over all of us. Just the other night he was teary eyed wondering about us dying(his mom & dad), and now that he is 10, I told him that we are healthy & plan to be around for a very long time, but that God has his own plans & we never know when we might die. When he was younger, I just told him that we were not going to die, but now that he is older, he knows that some day we will, but we plan to be around for a very very long time. Yes - I took my son to my uncle's funeral, but I also took little toys, cars, books, etc., to keep him busy and quiet. Plus some snacks. Good luck. Be ready to give hugs, and be strong for her. My son never saw me cry when my uncle died. (He saw a few tears more recently with my in-laws, but I tried to keep them blinked back.)

My uncle passed away this year and what we told my children 3 1/2 and 2 year old is that Uncle Terry was sick and sometimes they end up in heaven with Jesus and one day long long time from now you will see them again. Hoep this helps a little

Be straight with her, tell her the truth - kids understand a lot more than you would expect. Let her grieve and be sad and even cry with her. I am a firm believer that we don't hide things from our children - explain things in such a way that won't scare them but tell them the truth, they will appreciate it as they get older.

take care and God bless,
M.