How to Tell Two Young Children About a Death in the Family

i think tha really varies on the closeness between the children and the grandfater. also how big of a service it will be. The smaller more private memorials/funerals can be hard on a young child to sit quietly and then if someone becomes really emotional it could scare the kids. If they are close and will really notice his passing it is important they know. BUt it also really depends on your families feelings on the subject.

I am so sorry for your loss and wish you the best.
Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

I would strongly recomend not taking them to the service. While they may be at a point that you can explain to them that Grandpa is gone, etc. etc... chances are they aren't going to even understand that until they realize they don't see him anymore... I highly doubt they are mature enough to understand the emotion that will be filling the room. I was 11 when I went to my first funeral service. While I believe I was old enough to go and needed the closure at that point, I hate the fact that out of 11 years of knowing him, all I remember about my grandpa is his funeral.
My son was 18 months old when my dad died. He had a ritual of climbing into bed with my dad in the mornings (this went on for about 6 months) and I really didn't want to try to explain why he couldn't that morning... I was lucky, he slept until just after they took his body and friends removed the hospital bed from our living room. My son never noticed. I didn't take him to the funeral, but I can tell you that he really picked up on the emotions the day of it... of course he was younger than yours so there wasn't a lot I could say that would make him understand why everyone was there, where we were going, why everyone was crying... and laughing. I have no regrets about not taking him to the service.

2 moms found this helpful

I think it totally depends on your beliefs, your family and what type of service it will be. Personally I think that 3&4 is too young to go to an open casket funeral, but you should be as honest as you can about the death, especially if they werre close to their great grandpa. I don't personally believe in the whole sugar-coating thing. Children that age are old enough to learn about the basic concept of death. I think it is healthy.

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Hi A.,
This is not an easy time for you or you little ones. My older two were 7 and 8 when we lost our 3 year old. I told them the truth, and they did attend the services. So thing about how close your two are with Great Grandfather, but I would be honest! My oldest Grandson lost his Great Grandfather when he was only 2 years old. He was very close to his Great Grand parents, so my daughter allowed hime to attend the services. He did good and has never asked about Great Grandpa after that. At age 3 1/2 he lost his Great Grandmother, before she passed he was able to see her and mommy told him she was just sick and in bed. When she passed my daughter choose not to tell him for several months (personaly I think it was to hard on her to loose her Grandmother, they were very close) He ask many times and my daughter would only change the subject. When he was told that Grandmother had been sick and went to heaven to be with Jesus, he was very sad. His comment was "But I didn't get to say goodbye" So I read him the book "Someday Heaven" by Larry Libby. Then he seemed to understand much better, and was a little more at ease about the whole idea. Now he talks of all the fun stuff that he use to do with Great Grandma before she go so sick. I would suggest that you be honest with them on a level that they can handle. As far as taking them to the services, my only suggeston is to put it to prayer and see where you are lead. I wish you good luck with this. Stay strong and keep the memories alive!
God Bless
P.

1 mom found this helpful

However you do it, don't sugar coat it! My daughter was 3 when my uncle and her cat both passed away within a few months of eachother, and I was very down to point about it. I told her that they died, and they're in heaven with God. She was very accepting of it, and she still has yet to ask anymore questions. I think with little guys like yours, it's best to keep it short and sweet and provide explanations if they ask for them.

1 mom found this helpful

My granddaughter was 2 1/2 when both my parents died 3 weeks apart. We took her to the first funeral and she was well behaved. We also took her to the mortuary for viewing and so she was used to the place. While we were there for the viewing she explored the building. The mortician, who did know our family, said that was alright and interacted with her too. Being there was a pleasant experience for her.

My granddaughter had only been with my parents a couple of times and she was too young to know about or be concerned about death. We told her grandma is in heaven and she reacted with a ho hum sort of attitude. Seeing my mother in the casket didn't seem to interest her either.

Having her there was helpful to the family and especially for me. She was a reminder of the life part of the cycle. The funeral was small, perhaps 25 people, and the service was short. And she did sit mostly quietly on either her mother's or my lap.

Your children are a bit older. The 4 yo may be more interested in what is happening. I think that it might make a difference if they knew their great grandfather. Then it is a time to share grief with them. The funeral makes death more real and that helps with the grieving process. If the rest of the family are OK with them attending I would take them. We didn't take her to the second funeral because my brother who does not like children nor had experience with them, asked us not to. He still doesn't like to have her around when he visits.

As to their being frightened by other's emotions; I don't think that will be a problem as long as they are with someone with whom they feel secure. However, if it is likely that someone will be hysterical and out of control then I wouldn't take them.

My granddaughter's other grandmother died about a year ago when my granddaughter was 5. The service was in AZ and we didn't go. But I think it would've been helpful for my granddaughter to have gone. She talks fairly often about her dying. Her father sent her a fleece throw with teddy bears on it and told her it was her grandma's favorite blanket. My granddaughter slept with it every night for awhile and still likes to tell me about it and talk about her grandma. She did not know her grandmother but still expresses sadness over her death. We have a strong belief in God and heaven and she does say that Grandma is in heaven but she doesn't understand what that means. I think that being at the funeral would have helped create some closure for her. It would've allowed her to see that others were sad too and talking about death would've been more than an abstract idea.

1 mom found this helpful

I am very new to this. But I lost my mom this last may. I have a 7 year old and my youngest was 4 at the time. It is hard to explain as my mom was a daily part of my childrens life. I told then that they have a new angel. That their grandma wasw in a place now where she will never hurt again. They also know that they can talk about her anytime and talk to her anytime. They occasionally talk to her when they are sad and it makes them feel better knowing that she is still listening to them. My children are happy now knowing that they can still share things with her and thats what they needed. I hope this helps in someway. And I am sorry for your loss. I also gave my daughters the choice to go to the service. I explained that many people were going to be sad but that grandma would want those people together to remember her. It is a personal choice if you think the children should go, but not all funerals are sad. My moms was a celebration of her life and the girls were happy with everything.

1 mom found this helpful

i just experienced this myself, my stepfather died and he was my sons favorite person. my son is 4, and i wasn't sure either. they're smarter than you realize though, thank goodness lol. i'm glad it all worked out. thankfully my son got distracted my dogs going to heaven (he has that movie) and that helped to talk about that too.

I think there are some pro's and con's to taking your child to a funeral. My daughter was 6 when we had the first funeral of the family, and I opted out of taking her to the service. I was glad I did, because I allowed myself to grieve fully for the loss without having to worry about upsetting my child. A year later we spread her ashes on a tree, and I allowed my daughter to be a part of that. But when we all started crying she got very upset and was crying harder than anyone, and she still tells me she doesn't want to be included in funerals or ash spreading. I would look at how sensitive your children are to how you react, and choose then. It may be a good decision. I feel it depends on the child.