Explaining Death

Hi M. -

At your children's ages, they probably still remember what it felt like just before they were born. Tell them that Gramma is moving into a different phase of her soul life. Just as they moved from soul light's into the bodies they inhabit now, their Gramma is moving from the body back into the soul light. Up until children reach the age of 6-7 they often see angels, spirits, guides and especially close family members that have crossed. So don't be surprised if they tell you that they see Gramma or Gramma came to play after she has crossed.

I hope you encourage their openness as they get older. Do not be afraid because your fear will transfer to them. Embrace their openness and ask them to share their experiences with you ever day.

Blessings,

M. M. Ernsberger
Medium/Intuitive Reader

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M., first off, I am sorry for what you are going through. I know these things are hard for US to handle, and get even harder once we become parents because we have our own emotions that we want/need to deal with but we have to tread so softly on the broken hearts of our little ones.

We have explained death to our kids in a very simplistic way, basically put aside the emotions attached for us and just explain it for what it is: our bodies eventually grow old and stop working. We are Christians, so we take it a step further and explain that once our bodies do stop working, we go to Heaven. We have always been careful to not offer too much information but to answer the questions as they come. My friend's father in law just recently died and she was surprised at how well her children handled it, just knowing his body here had stopped working and now he is in heaven, visiting with people he loved who died before them, taking care of their dog who recently died and also that they will one day see him again... Although they expressed their sadness and wondered "why" they were also content and at peace. It was explained that Grandpa had been sick before he died, that the sickness made his body hurt a lot and now he feels better. They of course had questions about where your body goes when it stops working and if that goes to heaven too, we have had that question from our kids also. We have explained that part as our bodies don't need to go to heaven because it is where our souls live, and our souls were explained as the part of our bodies that we cannot touch physically but they are the parts of our bodies that make us love and laugh and make us feel happy.

It has helped my kids to know Grandma, or Auntie are not alone and that we will see them again in Heaven when it is our turn and when our bodies stop working. We have explained that only God knows when that will happen as he has made each of us differently and everyone's bodies last a different amount of time.

Sorry to ramble, but I would also start talking about it now. Someone suggested a book or two. I think if you can prepare her for it before it comes, it might help her understand the process a bit more, rather than just one day Grandma is gone. When our little girl was about 3 1/2 my mom's cat got very sick. Our daughter was very very attached to the kitty so when we knew she was getting sicker, we got the book called "Cat Heaven" and started reading it. When Lucinda finally died, our daughter was actually happy for her because she knew Cinda was not feeling well and her body hurt, but she was happy because the book had given her ideas of what Cinda might be feeling now that she had passed.

Clearly your explainations will vary based on your beliefs of an afterlife. I hope you can find the right words to help explain this to her, and also the peace you need to not only cope yourself, but to help her cope as well.

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Just tell them the truth, answer any questions they have truthfull that way they know that anytime they talk to you about stuff you will be truthful.

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Nothing can make this conversation easy, but if your family has a belief in God it actually can help the children understand it more readily. From the time my children were young I taught them that God created us and then we eventually go back to him. They seem to believe this fully and their lives reflect this. Good luck to you.

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Hi M.. Welcome to motherhood. My thoughts are to tell our little ones that life has stages and dieing is the last one. At that time our body lays down to rest forever and the love in our heart goes into the universe to make the stars brighter and all the bees and butterflies happier. That the grandmothers and loved ones will never forget us and we will always honor them. Words of love and kindness, we can't always give our children an explanation on things. An answer is needed if they ask but more words than they can absorb is not necessary. Not at this young of an age. Good luck and may God grant you patience and love and understanding raising your babies.
T. T

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M.,

I will be thinking of you and "Gramma".

My 8 year and 5 year olds understand death to mean that the spirit has "gone to Heaven", and that the body no longer works because the spirit isn't in it anymore. It is very simplistic, but has worked for us. The 8 year old has grasped the concept, "From dust we are made, and to dust the body shall return." That can help explain why the body remains behind, and doesn't work, while the spirit goes to Heaven.

Please never say that the one who has died has, "Gone to sleep". That implies to a child that one will wake up again, and when that doesn't happen, it could even make a child afraid to sleep--at least, a very young child.

~D.

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Dear M. L; This is a touchy subject and I don't know what your beliefs are, but we always said that the deceased had died and gone to heaven to be an angel. I have heard that you need to wait for the little ones to ask questions and then answer them truthfully. That way you will know the limits of their understanding of death and can speak to it on their level. I'm a grandma and I still don't understand it very well.
D.

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Of course, a lot depends on your beliefs about what is after death, but I believe that we will be together again with our loved ones, so it is easier for me. I tell my children that it is like going on a trip for a long time and you can't call them. You can "write letters" to them by saying it in a prayer and asking God to tell them, but they can't write back, as much as they want to. We'll miss them a lot, so it's okay to cry. It's okay, also, to talk about them and remember what they did and said and to understand their lives. And I think that it's okay to tell the dying loved one that you will miss them, but you'll see them again in the future. I think it comforts them, too. Good luck!

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This just happened to our family this past summer. my daughter is 3 1/2. We explained that she was going to be with Jesus and that we won't be able to talk or see her anymore. Since then, my daughter talks nonstop about her and heaven. When it was storming recently, she said "what is nana doing up there, i think she is blowing out the candles."

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Dear M.,There is a beautifl book written by Maria Schriver
titled "What's Heaven". I bought the book for my daughter
when my mom passed away and also gave it as a gift to a friend that lost a 19 month old for the younger son she
had. Maria does a grat job explaining in very simple
language. Hope this helps you - it sure helped my daughter.
C.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, not only for your children but that you and your family are all very upset and grieving. They are going to know there is a change in behavior, even if they don't know why and it's important to let them know it's not them.

Do NOT tell your kids that she is sleeping, they will not want to sleep anymore, and you will have a hard time getting past that. Do tell them that the adults around them are sad because Gramma is sick and it is a different kind of being sick that she may not get better, and then that she has died.

Take a little time for yourself to grieve without the kids there, it will make it easier to answer them when they are around. This was the time my kids learned about heaven, but they were older. I think one of the strange questions was, well if he is there, can we go too? They will ask strange things, be patient and try to answer their questions. I didn't take the boys to the funeral, but they did go to the cemetery with me on different occasions to leave flowers and each of us lit candles in church. One of my friends gave her kids balloons to let go "up to heaven" which helped them understand the concept of letting go and not getting back.

Hi M. L I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Death is something that I think we are never quite ready for even as adults.So as young children we really don't understand. Go to Google.com and in the search bar put in "how to tell a child about death" and there are several ways that will pop up for you to choose from. I know you don't want to say grandma went to sleep because the child goes to sleep and will then be scared to sleep. It is a sensitive subject but check out all the articles on Google and then pick one that you think may fit in with your family. Good luck I hope that helps!

First of all, I'm sorry for your situation, but I commend you for thinking about your kids *now*. This will make the situation much easier to handle when the time comes.

When my own father passed away, the librarian at my school (I'm a former elementary teacher) suggested I read "The Sad Book" by Michael Rosen. It is wonderful! I think it would be a really good read for your 3-year-old, but your little one probably wouldn't really "get it". At the end of the book it talks about birthdays. From this, I got the idea to "celebrate" my dad's birthday each year with my own family. We have a special dinner and cake afterwards. It's a happy celebration, and something the whole family can participate in (we usually make a cake and decorate it).

I also like the idea someone wrote about to let go of balloons as if they were going to heaven (or however you want to approach that concept).

I haven't had to explain this to my children yet, no one close has passed since they were born. However my step daughter has had two great grandparents pass (on her moms side) and I kind of like the way her mom explained it to her. She told her that grandma went with the spirits. That she is with all the other spirts up in the sky (I suppose you could say heaven if you wanted). That you can't see grandma anymore but she is still here.
It sounds like you got some really good advice from the other mamasource.com moms......best of luck.

M.~
http://www.amazon.com/I-Miss-You-First-Death/dp/076411764...
This book received some really good reviews.
Here is the link to read the "most helpful" review too, it gives a good description of the book:
http://www.amazon.com/review/R2WF1WTDY2MX78/ref=cm_cr_pr_...
You may want to check it out.
It is suitable for preschool age.
The best to you & your family at this time.
:o)
~D.

Hi M.,
Very sorry for the hard time you are going through. I would say that you not really say anything unless they ask you. Children are very smart and can sense lots of emotions, even when we try to hide them, so I'm sure your daughter may ask.

When my grandfather died I told my son that he went to be with God and that God welcomed him into Heaven. He did follow up with "can we see him" and I explained that someday he would, but not for a really long time.

I wouldn't lie, but I would definitely sugarcoat it for now.

Hi M.,
I'm sorry you are losing a dear one in the family. I have not had to deal with this and explaining to my children. We are not religious, so I would explain what would happens to the body - it just stops working because it is tired. Let them know that it is alright to be sad, because they can't talk to Grandma anylonger, but then it will be time to be happy again that they had such a wonderful person in their life. Have them make a scrapbook or cards with pictures and ask them what they loved most about Grandma, then write it on the card or scrapbook. They may scribble, but it is still pictures to them. Also, check with your local library to see if there are any books for children to explain death or loss.

my granny died when my son as 4. she baby sat him so that was hard for all of us. i originally told him htat she went ot be with God but he got mad at God for taking his granny. then we came up with telling him that she moved to heaven because she really liked it there and that he could see her at night we picked the north star and every night we went out to say goodnight and talk to granny about what happened during the day. that really helped. he's 18 now but he still point out grannys star.

When my grandma passed last year, my sister and I both had 3 year olds, we took them to see her when she was ill and then after she passed we took them to clean her stuff out of her room (she was in a nursing home) of course right away they asked where is grandma...we told them she is in heaven and is now an angel. Every now and then I will show my daughter pictures and remind her of her great-grandma and that she is watching her from heaven. We also let them have something special from her room, you could give your daughter one of her grandma's necklaces or if she has any stuffed animals. I will keep your family in our prayers tonight.

I love the book, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. Check it out!

When explaining this to my children we got out a glove and put our hand inside and wiggled our finger. SHowing the children that in order for that glove to move, our hand needed to be inside of it...
Our Bodies are just like this glove but,(instead of a hand)they have a spirit inside to make it move. At some point in time we will either get old or sick....etc... and then our spirit will leave our bodies and go back to Heaven and the body will no longer be able to move.

It also helped me to say a little prayer BEFORE I started this littel lesson on Death. God is always there and will help us to know the right things to say to our children. Especially if we ask for his help. It's wonderful!

I also explained about Christ and his death and ressurection. Kids are more understanding and intelligent than we give them credit for. My children were taught this lesson very young. It was a Family discussion even with the invants sitting on our laps.

You can add any of your own details or spiritual beliefs into that but I do believe that the children LOVE visual aids. I feel it really helped!

I am very OPEN with my children and they all know they can ask me ALL kinds of questions... You should talk to your children about it... Death is a beautful thing and EVERYONE will experience it at some point. It is not something to fear!

Good luck!