How to Explain That Nana Is Not Coming Home?

Everyone's pretty much said what I would have. I just have one more thing to add. My niece was exactly 3.5 when my grandmother died. They had always been close and saw each other at least once a week. My grandmother wasn't sick, but died about a week after heart surgery at home. We told my niece that nana had died and gone to heaven. She asked questions like "When will she be back?" and "Can I go visit her?" to which we answered truthfully. No, her body won't come back, but her stories and our memories are always with s. No, you can't go visit her, but one day, when you get to be as old as nana was, you too will go to heaven and you'll see each other again. These were simple answers that she didn't ever question further. We gave the answer and it was enough for her. Every once in awhile, even though she's now almost 7, she'll say "I miss Nana" and get sad. That's when my sister-in-law will pull out a photo album and then share memories with her until they're both laughing through the sadness. Nearly every holiday that the whole family gets together, there's always an inevitable silence as we all remember things about those who have passed and it's okay, because it gets us talking about them and reminds us that no one's forgotten, even after they've gone.

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So many healthy and helpful responses (except for Jacqueline W!) and I love the star idea. Always somewhere to look to for Nana! Perfect!
I think sharing in this experience with your young child may actually give you a healthier grieving experience, yourself. Death is a natural part of life, embrace it with your son. Be up front with him about what's going on so he's not left to decide for himself why he thinks everyone's all bent out of shape. Discuss with him other examples of life ending, like plants, pets, bugs... and then maybe you could make him a nice little Nana scrapbook or some other nice little remembrance.
My parents never made death dark or mysterious and I have always felt very comfortable about it as long back as I can remember. For that I am very grateful! I become sad for my loss but am always happy for the person who is now resting in peace.

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Hi H.:
Please except my sincere condolences.First let me say,that you shouldn't be afraid to show sadness of your Nanas death in front of your son. It's healthy for our children to see us cry. We're human beings,we get sad.He needs to feel free to express these types of emotions for his own mental well being and growth.Even though he realizes Nana was in the hospital,it's not a good idea to tell him,that she died because she was real sick,or that she died in her sleep.Children this young age,will associate, and fear your getting sick, in the future with dying.They may even be Leary of falling asleep,for fear they won't wake up.I'd tell him,that when people get old,their body gets very tired,and they get to the end of their life.Their spirit,( the person they were) went to heaven,so she could watch over you, daddy and me. Children take comfort in believing a loved one is watching over them. This is what happened to Nana.We're sad,that Nana won't be able to visit us any more, but she will be in our hearts.We'll always remember all the wonderful things about her. I'd take out pictures of Nana,when she was a girl,and as she grew older. I'd have pictures of her around the house smiling and happy. This will help him adjust.Assure him,that daddy and mommy aren't going anywhere for a long time,so that you calm any fears he may have of losing you. A couple of wonderful books for you to read to your son are. Tomie Depaolas (Nana upstairs Nana downstairs.)and Maria Shrivers,(Whats Heaven.)Children tend to understand things better than us sometimes,Just on their own terms. Whether your religious or not,I'm sure,Nana will be smiling down on you,guiding you to say just the right things,to help you soften the hurt,and loss for your darlin son. Sincerely. J. M.

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Hi H.,
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I really like your "Star in the sky" idea too.
I'm a single mom and have two little ones - a son who's now 4-1/2 y/o and a daughter 3 y/o. Last August my mom passed away suddenly. She had her first of three strokes eight years ago, which is ultimately what took her life. I didn't know how to tell my kids either, and didn't want them to become afaid of doctors/hospitals, etc or to be scared of being "sick". She lived more than 500 miles away so they would only see her when she visited/stayed with us but my kids knew her well even at their age. They would ask/talk about her frequently too before and after her passing. Now we refer to her as "Gramma in heaven". I ended up waiting a few weeks for the right time when I was comfortable to speak of it without sobbing like crazy, went to a happy, comfortable place (the beach) and explained in "their words" a bit of what had happened/where she is now; also that she is always with us in our hearts! I told them she has gone up to heaven, on/in the clouds always watching down on us and we can send her kisses, messages in our prayers, & balloons anytime. Her three grandkids were also involved at her funeral, they each were given a balloon to set free into the sky to go to heaven for her. Even today, as any balloon gets loose into the sky, to ease their "panic", we "send" those balloons to Gramma, and all the others who are not with us today. (Gramma has collected lots of balloons now!) I know there's a good children's book out there too a friend of mine told me about that helps the child understand the loss. I can't recall the title, but there's an animal in the title (Dinosaurs, gorillas, puppies or something). There's actually several books out there if you check the web or library.
I don't know if any of this was helpful, but thanks for letting me share.
Ultimately, I would just try to explain to him in a way he can associate with, without getting scared of it and let him talk about what he's feeling or any questions he has. Kids are amazing...quite resilient and smarter than we give them credit most times. My kids amaze me everyday!
Best of luck and God Bless,
-L.

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I'm so sorry H.. I understand what you're feeling. I'm only 31 but I have lost many of my family members. (probably why I'm so focused on good health and doing everything I can to try to prevent becoming ill)
There is a book called The Fall of Freddie The Leaf. It is great for your son's age and it explains death in a way that most can grasp it. I don't know who wrote it, just that it's an older book. Check your public library. :)

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First, let me say I'm sorry for your loss.

We've actually been in similar situations. My husband has lost two grandparents in the last four months and we have a 3 1/2 year old. We also lost twin baby girls when he was two, so I sadly feel like an expert in this already...

We're just completely honest with him. When we lost our girls a social worker talked to me at the hospital and told us just to be honest with him and keep it simple. We don't refer to dying as sleeping because we were told it might frighten him about sleeping. We just explained that great-grandma and Popop were very old and sick and that they died. We wouldn't be able to see them anymore, but that they would watch over us and we could "talk" to them anytime. We're not religious either, but we do tell him they are in heaven which is where we also told him his sisters are. He now says that they are all together in heaven. It's hard and I sometimes wonder how much he understands. Quite a few times after his great-grandma died he's told me he's sad because of it. Sometimes I think he is, sometimes I think he may enjoy the attention of my reaction. It's hard to tell, but I still treat each time like it's genuine. We've also explained that it makes other sad and that we need to be there for them and help make them feel better.

Good luck to you...it's never an easy thing, but I do believe that simple honesty is best and is working with our little guy.

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H.,
I'm so sorry. This is such a painful time for you and you seem to be handling it so gracefully. The only advice I can give comes from my own experience. I'm sorry if it's long.

When I was four, my Granny died. It was my first experience with death and, thanks to my mom, my most beautiful experience with death. Like you, Mom didn't try to hide anything from me. She was honest, loving and let me ask as many questions as I needed to. She never showed impatience with my abrupt turns of thought, the way I would be sculpting Play-Doh one minute and asking morbid questions the next. I don't know how she managed it, but she was extraordinary.

Mom brought me to the funeral, against advice. But I'm so glad she did. As carefully as she'd explained the process of life, death, burial, afterlife--all in terms I could grasp--I'd still managed to misconstrue things. I heard 'basket' instead of 'casket.' The only big basket I knew of was our laundry basket, and it made for a very unsavory mental picture. I didn't let on, but I was appalled that Mom would let Granny be treated like that. I felt betrayed on Granny's behalf.

But when I got to the funeral there were flowers mounded and spilling and the air was sweet with them. The sun was shining and there was so much love. And there was my Granny - in the dress I'd seen her in two weeks ago. She was smiling, ever so slightly. She was beautiful. My older sister let me touch her hand - I had always loved her age spots. No one else knew I touched her, but I'm still glad that I did. That was the closure I needed. But at four, I wasn't thinking closure. I was saying goodbye.

Growing up, I was the only kid I knew who didn't fear death--not even a little. I knew it was a beautiful passage because I'd seen it. And I saw it because my family, like you, was unafraid to let me explore and question and even touch to see that the body was different somehow, missing something.

Be honest with your son; let his questions guide you; let him discover this part of life (death) and let him find beauty in the passage. It will give him strength for his whole life. Draw with him and 'listen' to his artwork. *He* might even tell *you* where Nana is--kids are good that way, coming up with insights we overlook because we over-think things. He'll ask a lot: did I do something wrong, if I'm very good will she come to play, what's hurting my insides so much (grief)... let him talk it all out. Let him know that you feel it, too. Show him that you and he are alike, both hurting, both helping, both learning--that he's not alone. Let him know that he'll probably dream of Nana (we all do this) and tell him what you think it means. My mom said that dreams were when Granny came to visit me. I liked that.

The star idea is lovely and I know it's popular, but remember that kids know a lot more about the cosmos now than even ten years ago. By the time he's in second grade, the jig is up. What kept me feeling safe/peaceful with death was the fact that *the story never changed.* What I learned at Granny's funeral still applied at Mom's funeral 23 years later. That straight line of belief made me feel safe -- I understood it, no one tried to alter it, they taught me as a person of intelligence. It saved me.

Have a safe journey with your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care and hang in there. xx

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Dear H.,
If your are a Christian, you make a little book of photos to remind us of the fun we had with Nana when she was with us and you tell him that Jesus decided it was time to take her home to heaven. Someday we will be in heaven with Jesus and we will meet her there.
God's blessing,
H.

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This could be awkward if you don't believe. I would go with the heaven approach because your son will not get as much teasing about heaven as he would that his relatives share the sky with Lion King ancestors.

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i would do what you say your going to do and tell him that shes the brightest star in the sky. i was going to tell you to go the religous route but you said your not very religous. if he understands what an angel is then maybe say she went up to heaven to help the other angels pour out the rain make rainbows sunny days etc. its very hard when a family member passes and they are close to a young child. hope this helps.

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My family is Christian so we believe that the soul exsists after the death of the body. I think most people no matter their spiritual or non spiritual beliefs can be comforted by this. Your son needs to know that Nana STILL loves him. Her spirit, soul, whatever just doesn't live in her body anymore. He can still talk to her and tell her he loves her and misses her. I was very close to my grandmother who I lost at 18. At 31 I still ask her which vacuum to buy! I don't get an answer but it does always bring up wonderful memories. If you don't believe on a spiritual level that heaven is real I am also assuming that you don't really believe the Easter Bunny is real either. There is nothing wrong with using something imaginary to ease your sons mind. Why do you think they came up with the tooth fairy! Good luck to you. I know it's a tough time for you but it will ease and become more sweet than bitter.

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The only thing I want to add is when my kids lost there grandpa who lived with us I left it up to them what they where ok with one wanted to know & see everything the other was very distant. A couple years ago both my grandparents passed within weeks and we had a double funeral my youngest was 4 he wanted to see the bodies, touch my oldest was 16 and she wanted to stay back and just remember them how she knew them they all are different. Make sure you ask your son if there is something of hers he would like to keep this has really helped my kids and the youngest now 6 will come across things and say this was my special grandpa who died. Keep the memories alive. So sorry for your loss.

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Aw, I'm so sorry...I had an incredibly special Nana that raised me, and we went through this with my son. I told him that she was very old and sick, and went to heaven to become an angel-END OF STORY-. I have pictures of her and when we pass by one, we always say "Hi Nana". I told him that even though we can't see her or hear her voice, she is still there to protect us. I love the song "I will remember you", by Sara Mac, as they played it at her service and whenever I play it or it comes on the radio...HE says "we love you old Nana".

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Hello-

Grandma died for us 2 weeks ago, and her memorial is today. her death was very sudden. And an Aunt died 2 yrs ago. My boys are now 8 and 5, so, my youngest was your son's age. I told them that she died. I do not believe in saying past on or laid to rest. Tell him you are very sad, she will not be able to come home. and tell her what ever happened to her body. eg-Aunt had a traditional funeral w/ an open casket, and they went to the burial. Grandma did not want a funeral, and she was cremated. So, today we are going to a memorial, which is going to a party. and, that is exactly what she wanted. Death is a part of life. Be sad, but, it is what is going to happen to all of us. if you think Nana is a star tell him that. But, if you don't think it, don't say it. Kids don't ask what is next. To them death is final, and, unless you tell them otherwise, they do not know to go there. i am sorry for your loss.

one more thing, try not to make the hospital/death connection. Both of the relatives the kids knew that died, died in a hospital. So, my kids made that connection this time...that was a long conversation.

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Hi H., I think you've done great with explaining about Grandpa. And it is good for them to look at pictures and remember. My kids just lost their grandpa last November. They knew he was sick as well. They attended the funeral services and we explained before the funeral how grandpa is an "angel" now and he has no more "ow wee" , "boo boo" or pain, however you say it. Till this day, out of the clear blue skies, one of the little ones will say " Is Papa watching me now ? Is he flying really high in the sky ? "

We smile and answer, "Yes !"

My kids are ages 16 years old, 7 years old, 4 years old and 3 years old.

You sound like a busy bee there, please make some time to visit my website http://www.tastefullysimple.com/web/dvillaruel and click on BECOME A CONSULTANT, there's a short video I think you would appreciate watching.

All the best and do keep in touch if you would consider attending a kid-friendly Tasting Party or perhaps hosting one yourself.

They aren't able to comprehend the concept of death until around age 6. You should be very honest about why you are sad. Tell him you miss Nana. He picks up on your feelings anyway and get the "Lion King" movie so you can talk about the circle of life. It is the natural order of things. If he asks questions, keep your answers very, very simple.

Hi H.,

Sorry about your Nana. I love this book: Lifetimes, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. It's a beautiful book, and I think it explains things in an age-appropriate way. I hope you can find it easily.

Take care,
P.

Hi. Sorry for your loss. There is a nice, short children's picture book called Lifetimes, that explains death in a not too scary way to very young children. That is a starting place, and then you can explain that it was Nana's time to go. Sorry I don't remember the author or publication data, but you should be able to find it in the library, a bookstore, or order it from Barnes and Noble or Amazon. B.

You need the children's book "Lifetimes - a Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children." I keep a stack in my office for the parents I work with when there is a death in the family or when their children become fascinated by death (this happens, too).

Do not be cryptic with your son about what is going on. The sadness in the home and the strange behavior will be disconcerting to him. Read the book with him, tell him Grandma died and tell him that you will talk about her and remember her, together, and that he can ask you any questions he wants. Let him know that people will be coming to the house, they will be sad and probably cry, there will be food...

Do not be shocked if your son is ultimately casual about Grandma's death - saying things bluntly like "Grandma's dead and she is not coming back." The permanence and depth of loss eludes them. Do not see him as insensitive or unkind.

Finally, I am so sorry for your loss.

C.

When my Nana died, I asked the children's librarian for some books about death aimed at young children and got 2-3 titles. One I think was named "Badger's Gifts."

Good luck!

H. W.,

I am very sorry for your loss. It is not an easy task to have to deal with a loss and having to explain to your children their grandmother has passed on. Firstly, you personally take one day at a time. Secondly, try to answer your son honestly and age appropriate for him to easily understand, he may not remember your telling him, so he may ask repeatedly where his Nana went. You can and will find the right words for his age, just try to relax and explain as simply as you can. Remember you must try very hard to hold it together and show your son your strength as he is still very young and has a short attention span. I can appreciate your loss, as I went through something similar. It was not easy when I had to explain to three small children why their grandfather died. I explained to them the best I could, and they still wanted to know again after a month or two after his passing. So I can feel your pain. I will keep you in my prayers, and know you can and will find the strength to handle this. Good Luck!!

Sorry to hear about your loss.
This is not an all encompassing answer, but we have a nice preschool-kindergarten aged book called, "Nana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs", by Tomie dePaola. It actually has a part where the little boy sees a shooting star and believes it is a kiss from his Nana.
I'm sure you can get it on amazon, but we got ours from a homeschool curriculum website called www.sonlight.com

If you are interested, I also have some other book references I can give you, but I have not read the books yet. It is a list of books that have been recommended by other homeschoolers and deal with this topic.