27 answers

Ex Boyfriend Wants to Buy My Daughter a Nice Gift. Do I Let Him?

I dated someone for almost three years. After six months, I allowed him to meet my children and they became very close. We broke up about four months ago but he has made a point to call the kids every few weeks, send them a note or stop by for just a few minutes here and there. The kids really miss him so I think the short visits and calls have helped. He is a really great guy, just not the guy for me and is a good role model. He would never bring harm to me or my children. We broke up b/c we seem to make better friends than significant others. My daughter's birthday is later this month and he has told me he is going to buy her a new bike. This is the type of gift he would have given her when we were together. But do I let him give her such a nice gift now or will that confuse my 9-year-old? I really don't think he has a motive by doing this. He and I agreed our relationship wasn't working.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

If the two of you parted amicably (sp), then I say why not allow them to continue contact with them. It may make the whole transition a bit easier on them. If you feel like they are old enough to comprehend it, you may explain to them that the two of you are no longer in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that they and he can not still be friends.

2 moms found this helpful

As long as the relationship ended on a good note and you still talk and are friendly then let him buy her a bike if he wants to. There is nothing wrong with that. I know it is different because you two aren't together anymore but he seems to be a nice guy and wants to do good things by the kids. I think that would be a nice gift to come from him.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

1 mom found this helpful

G. I see nothing wrong with it as long as there are no strings attached.
It sounds as if he really cared about the kids and it's a shame it didn't work out for the two of you. So many times you hear the guy doesn't get along with the kids or vise versa.

More Answers

In general, if he's a trustworthy, nice guy and would be a good role model for your children, then I say let him continue to be in their/your life. Children know the difference between a friend and a boyfriend - as long as you don't 'blur the lines' and send mixed messages. You need to make it clear you are no longer together and there's no romantic attraction there, but you can still be friends. Children can never have too many positive male role models - especially those who don't have a dad around. Just by being friends with him you'll show them that it's possible to be nice and civil with an ex -- something they may need to know when they are older.

2 moms found this helpful

If the two of you parted amicably (sp), then I say why not allow them to continue contact with them. It may make the whole transition a bit easier on them. If you feel like they are old enough to comprehend it, you may explain to them that the two of you are no longer in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that they and he can not still be friends.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi G.,
I think that every child can use a good role model in their life. If he seems to be a good guy then I say why not.

Be sure it's not a tactic to win you back or something HE is hoping will help win you back anyways.

I come from a family of 6 siblings and we are all firm beleivers that just because example "my sister divorced him, we didn't" people become "family" to you and just because it don't work out between 2 people doesn't mean hatered and resentment has to live in the lives of everyone that knows them.

Hope that makes sense as I don't even have on cuppa coffee in me yet this morning lol..
S.-michigan

2 moms found this helpful

my last relationship ended well, over 3 years ago, and we had been together for a very long time, bought a home ect and he was very close to my children, for months after we split up he was around about once a week, always with my there just to see the kids and such, over the course of that first year it became less and we haven't seen him now in about 6 months but for the kids, who were young and ahd already een through the divorce it made a lot of difference, i saw what it did to my kids when their father's girlfriends left and they always missed them terribly, when this relationship ended they were fine, they didn't feel abandoned and adjusted very well, because we took into consideration thier relationship as well instead of jsut thinking aobut our own. good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Is he a good influence on your children? Does he follow your wishes when it comes to your children? If the answers to both questions is yes, I think you would be selfish not to let a relationship continue. Its difficult enough to raise kids these days...if you have someone in their lives that could be a positive influence on them, you should let it continue... however, have you thought about what may happen when you have a new man in your life? I guess you need to make sure he is not hanging out with your kids to stay close to you ....
Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful

I think it is great. Esxpecially that the two of you are able to break up but still get along. He is a good guy who realizes that being in these kids lives was something that makes you a rolemodel for the kids forever. How the two of you handle this break up is just as important. When people allow men or womaninto their kids lives and then they leave, it teaches kids ( In this case) Men always leave. So your son will be a leaver and your daughter will date men who leave her. HOWEVER, in this case, you both are saying realtionships can end or CHANGE and that people who love you never really leave. The amount of time they spend with you can change but, they dont leave you. Let him give the gift and keep him around as ole' uncle fred. Obvioulsy he values your kids adn they value him and having a healthy relationship with a male is a good good thing.

1 mom found this helpful

I have the experience of being the child in this sort of relationship. My parents divorced when I was 6. My dad dated a woman for several years and even called her his wife. We called her 2 kids our step-siblings. They split up and she re-married. We did keep in contact with her after the breakup for several years. We even spent a few days at a time over the summer with her and her new husband. I see no reason why your children cannot have continue to have a relationship with this man. If he is still willing to be a part of their lives, he is a better man than alot of "real" fathers out there. It may taper off after a few years as everyone moves on with their lives, but it shows great maturity and love for your kids to allow them to continue this friendship even though the 2 of you have moved on.

1 mom found this helpful

I think as long as your kids understand that it won't ever be more and you guys are on good terms, there's nothing wrong with letting them stay friends. It can be good to have a relationship with adults outside of your family as they get older and need someone to talk to. I had a woman at church that I still keep in contact with 300 miles away. She was a kind of sounding board when I was going through something and felt like I couldn't talk to my own parents. (And, for the record, no matter how good you think your relationship is, there will be things your kids keep from you.)

Good Luck:)

1 mom found this helpful

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