Do You Have a Husband like This?

Please take an objective look at your husband's behavior.

- He physically damages items within the house when he is angry
- He replaces only the items that belong to him - not items that belong to you

How often does he exhibit his explosive behavior? Does he apologize afterwards or ignore his behavior? Has he ever hit you or have you ever been afraid he was going to hurt you? Have you ever been afraid for your daughter's safety? Did you grow up in an abusive household, therefore you think this kind of behavior is acceptable?

Answer these questions honestly - without justifing his behavior - and you will find the answers. If any of these questions can be answered with YES - you need to leave the house or have him leave. Seek counseling or divorce - but either way do something to make your situation better.

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Hi T.,

Do you feel safe with your husband? I'd be a little afraid that someone with that much anger and that little control might be a danger to you or your daughter. If you have any doubts, you could give SafePlace (in Austin) a call and just talk with them on the phone about the situation. Their number is 512-267-SAFE, and there's someone there to take calls 24/7.

I had a boyfriend once who had some serious anger issues. When he got mad (which was often), it was like a switch flipping on. I'm still acquainted with him, and he's overcome it - lots of counseling, medication for bipolar disorder, and maturity helped him, I think. I wish your family well.

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My husband would never ever break anything, but he is not an angry person. I have anger issues (comes out in yelling) and I'm working through them. I've gotten a lot of assistance working through things with a place called the institute of healing arts. They do phone consultations and it's amazing. He can be a really great guy just needs to release the anger that's built up. Anger is not bad, it's information. It's what we do with it that can be hurtful. An amazing book is "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die." by Karol Truman. There is help available, please look into this information. This doesn't need to destroy your family and your daughter can feel safe and secure as this gets worked through. Otherwise she's going to have trust issues with men and you don't want her to be afraid of your hubby. Blessings. Here is the website: http://instituteofhealingarts.info/about_us.html

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Not acceptable behavior.
You need to lay down the law and let him know you love him, but he needs professional help.

Give him a deadline on going for a full physical to make sure there is not a physical problem and them also have him set up a sessions for anger management. If you do not do this for yourself, do it for your child before someone else reports this and authorities go to your home to investigate what is going on over there. Especially if you are having to hide this behavior from other people.

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My husband and I almost reached this point of anger in our relationship. If I were in your situation, I would, as delicately I possible, mention seeing a psychologist about the anger. Be sure to mention that he didn't used to be this way and just wonder if there is something treatable here.

One thing to add could be how you really felt safe with him (before your daughter was born?) in the past but seeing him act out is getting scary. Emphasize that this just "isn't him".

I have been told that this is a good signal that this person is experiencing depression. Add to that that men often don't want to admit such things as depression or the need for medicine to help.

Good luck on this. A book from the public library about depression might help you open a dialog.

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So your daughter will grow up to see her dad get angry and break things. Is that what you want her to see? I hope not. There are better ways to express anger other than breaking objects. How do you know one day he won't take that anger out on you? If he is like my ex, you will be his next target. (I had to survive a broken rib after he kicked me while I was on the ground) You need to figure out how to get him to some counseling for anger management. Not just for your sake but for your daughter's too. If she grows up in a home where her dad shows his anger by doing that then she will more than likely seek out that same type of man.

My daughter was with her dad recently when he had an outburst with his girlfriend. He convinced my daughter that it was the girlfriend's fault that he broke those things. He took the blame off of himself and put it on the girlfriend saying the girlfriend made him so mad. My daughter thinks it's okay to do that now which it is NOT okay. I've spoken to her as have many others to let her know that when you get angry you don't destroy someone's property. AND it's not someone else's fault, it is their fault for breaking something. No one is at fault here except the person who decides to destroy property or hit someone. Your husband has a problem. He needs help or I fear this could escalate and you could get hurt. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter.

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Just adding to all the sound advice here--I'll talk from the point of view of someone who has dealt with some anger issues. Yes, I get angry enough sometimes that I feel like I can't control it, but you know what? I do. That's what adults do. I realized in childhood (like a person is supposed to) that actions have consequences, and no matter what happened to make me angry, the end result was entirely my responsibility. This is what your husband needs to learn. I grew up in a house where my mother was volatile, and while neither of my parents ever laid a finger on me or anyone else, I had to teach myself coping skills once I reached adulthood. Your husband may have gotten by until now, but if you weren't married and he lived alone, do you think his life would be in order? Or would it be slowly slipping away, every time he made another hole in a wall or got another police call for frightening the neighbors?
He may never endanger you or your family, but he can still leave lasting scars (and the emotional ones hurt like hell). Approach him first with love; maybe it would help for you to go with him or maybe the opposite, it depends. If he's not willing to change, all I can say is, no matter what action you take, your daughter is going to have to learn how to protect her precious psyche without giving up her confidence and ability to trust others.

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I HAD a husband like that, and now he is my EX!!!!!!! Mine accompanied his angry outbursts with drunkenness. We were not able to work things out because he was more interested in acting like a single man, while having a young scared wife to come home to. Luckily I wised up before too many years elapsed, and took my son and got out of there. Neither my son or I deserved to be in that kind of environment, and neither do you or your baby girl. My suggestion to you is to get out if he isn't willing to change. PLEASE do not threaten to leave and then stay, that only makes things worse. Be aware that men like this will promise many times to change with no intention of ever doing so.

20 years have gone by, and even though I would have rather not have gone through those 3 years of HE__, in an odd sort of way I am glad I did. I learned that I am worthy of respect, and have a right to be loved and cared for by a decent human being. I was lucky enough to find a wonderful man who loves me and just so happens to drive me nuts!! Although we have our moments I know that he would never hurt me or our kids, and he won't break every thing we own because he is an immature SOB!! In short he is just as worthy of my love and respect, as I am of his.

You, T. M., are worthy of being loved and respected. You do not deserve to have your belongings broken by someone who cannot control his anger. Have faith in yourself as a person, and a child of God. Protect yourself and your dear child. This behavior of his will escalate, so do not wait for the breaking of things to become the breaking of you or your daughter.

Please take care. God Bless you! I will pray for you and your daughter.

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Well T. I dont have a husband like this, but I grew up in a home like this. I witnessed a lot of broken things as a child & it broke my heart. But soon I was the one being thrown around for defending my mom. I would jump on my step dads back & get thrown off against a wall. I missed days of school for "eggs" on my forehead or bruises. I vowed to never marry someone like that & I didnt but most girls follow in their daddy's footsteps. Your husband can replace things that he breaks but he cannot replace your precious little girls heart when it gets broken. One day it will turn into more if he doesnt get help. Sorry you are going through this be strong for your daughter & stay safe.

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T.,
When my husband and I first got married he would punch walls and slam doors and things of that nature but he would never hit me. I thought it was just a issue that would soon go away but, it didn't it just started getting worse (but still he never hit me, it just happened more often.) So I finally told him look I think you have a anger issue that needs to be handled or I'm taking my kids and we are leaving. For a while he had no idea what I was talking about and I had to point out specific times where he had lost his temper and the end result and I told him it wasn't a good thing for kids and I wouldn't raise them in that environment. I know it's hard to step up and take control but, if you love you and your daughter then protect yourself before it's too late. I have personally watched a lot of television shows where it is stated if they start out small it gets worse. So please be careful!

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Hi T.
You ran across my mind the other day.I was hoping things got better,doesnt sound like it.I remember you said that your husband was wiling to go to counseling.Take him up on that and please go.You both deserve to be happy and whatever he is throwing things about I can gaurantee you it is not about you.Whatever it takes to get him into that counselors office do itmeaning say you need to go.I am worried that the throwing of things can get worse not to mention things dont always land where you want them to when you throw them
Good Luck
God Bless
Please let us know that all is going well we dont need to know the gory details we all care about you and your family or we wouldnt be writing back
Regards
S.

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T., insist that he go to counseling and if he refuses, get a legal separation. Breaking your things is an abusive action and ONE DAY he will break you. He needs a wake up call.

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It sounds like to me he needs to attend a few anger management classes. What if the next times he has a temper tantrum he throws something and your child comes walking in the room hitting her instead of the wall? Then what?? Or even worse what if he hits your child out of anger. He needs help. People are not suppose to act this way.

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T.,

I don't have this happening in my life, but i do want to offer you some support and advice. If my husband were acting like this and we had a small child, then I would feel forced to take action on this. Scarry as that would be. God bless you.
If we have the ability to act on something, then it is our responsibility to act on it. Meaning, if you're capable, then you need to help your husband. This would best be suggested during a calm moment of his, not during a tantrum. Maybe even get some outside help from family, friends or the church. If he controls himself while at work and with other people, then he has control over this and he can be re-directed. If he is throwing these tantrums elsewhere, then he needs even more serious help.
If it's only around you and in private, you need to call him out on this and let him no that you have a no tolerance policy for this. Especially infront of your child! PERIOD! Read the book "Boundaries", it will help you grately along the way.
God bless and good luck. I hope this turns around for you.

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If your hubby breaks things he has anger management issues that he needs to break the pattern of. The fact that he will replace HIS things and not yours is telling.
You don't say that he has ever hit you or kicked the dogs; but he clearly DOES have a problem with anger. Not sure how old he is but if he is past 20 it is an anger issue.
You need to make some ultimatems to him that he gets counseling or else you are walking and taking the daughter & the dogs until he does. It is clear that he values his things, but not yours - which means that he values himself more than you. How much longer will it be before he breaks your daughters things? Or until he escalates? Breaking things and throwing things IS not normal adult behavior. You wouldn't tolerate it in a child without correcting them - you definitely shouldn't in an adult.

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Unfortunately, your husband sounds like me. I'm the one in the marriage that has the violent temper. I have controlled it wonderfully for several years. But, every once in awhile it raises its ugly head. I have broken many things that I will regret later. My husband can't stand it nor does he understand it. I don't like it either. It is something I am ashamed of but also very proud that I have controlled it so much better. In perspective, I'd rather break something than hit someone. It's a feeling that just comes over me and sometimes it's soooo hard to control. Talk to him about it reasonably. Mention that he should talk to someone about how to curb it. But, be grateful that he's only breaking things. If he breaks something of yours, ask him for the money to replace it. Keep an IOU list if you have to. It's not fair that he won't replace your stuff or at least give you the money for it. If you have access to the money, replace it yourself. Put it on his credit card, ha. Anyway, you have to reason with him about how this scares you or how this bothers you or how unfair it is that he breaks your stuff. Tell him to break his own stuff. My brother has a similar temper and his wife handles it wonderfully. She was asked one time how she could live with him (they love each other very much). She responded in tongue and cheek to duck and cover. She gets out of the way. He knows when he's gone overboard and they have a good marriage. Whatever you do, if it seems like he's getting too angry, give him some space. Don't stay with him trying to argue. At least for me, it fuels my anger if my husband stays around trying to talk it out or argue or reason with me. Once I hit that stage, I need space and time, not talk. So, if that's the case with you. Give him some space - sometimes that's just a few seconds for him to get control. But, don't stay pushing the issue. See if that helps. I'm sorry for his temper and for his lack of consideration. Start small and make only one request for change at this time. Start with replacing your items. Slowly, hopefully, he will mature and things will change.

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No I don't have a husband like this but there maybe another issue that needs to be addressed. Grown men don't throw temper tantrums, kids throw temper tantrums. He may need counseling to control his anger. There shouldn't be nothing that makes him that mad to throw something or break something. He needs to grow up and understand this is not normal behavoir. I hate to say it but your husband needs help>>>>

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Sorry - that is such a childish thing to do. I dont' care how angry he gets. I would certainly go out and buy those items that you say were yours and if he says anything, remind him how he replaces his stuff and you will start replacing yours as well. Make sure he understands that you will not tolerate this behavior and I strongly suggest he get help. He better get help soon because one day that anger will turn to you and your child and he will be throwing one of you instead. My ex would do this sometimes but he also drank and that is when he would do it. I let it slide a few times but after that third time it was enough and I wasn't going to live that way. It is hard enough living life, working, cleaning, taking care of a home, raising children etc. and on top of that raise an immature husband. Life is to darn short and you need calm and peace in your life. Tell him you will no longer tolerate this and if he doesn't get help you will. Do not think you are the reason he gets upset and throws things though he may try to tell you it is you. It is his issue and trust me he has had it for years. It did not come overnight. I am sure he even did this as a kid. Your children will pick it up as well if you are not careful or worse yet marry someone like him when they are older. Good Luck to you and your daughter.

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Yes I do, and I've put away the things that I don't want damaged or that are irreplaceable. I've stashed stuff in my closet, the guest bedroom closet and the attic. It's unfortunate that he acts this way, but mine won't seek help - we've discussed it. My kids are 18 and 15 now and his outbursts have lead to some wonderful talks about choosing a spouse as well as other subjects. God uses everything for good. I usually just walk out of the room, if I can or stand and pray. He usually leaves the mess for me to clean up and I usually do - trying to hide the evidence from the kids. I don't know how to tell you to handle it as I don't know his background or your relationship. I feel for you - I've put up with it for 28 years and had I known then what I know now.......but hind sight is always 20/20. If he'll get help - that'd be great. Good luck.

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No, my husband does not act that way. If one of us is upset or angry, we state what's bothering us, letting the other fully explain it. Right or wrong, if he feels a certain way, he feels that way. We are both entitled to how we feel and work through problems that way.

Throwing stuff and temper tantrums such as the ones your husband does, would never be allowed in my house. My home is for peace for myself, my children, and my husband. Children should never witness such acts. Your home should be your safe haven. I would put my foot down, say get help or get out.

Temper tantrums, young and old, come from the inability to express emotion. Either teach him how to express his emotion or have someone else teach him. But do not ever allow your child to witness that kind of behavior. She will grow to think it's normal and it's not.

I wish you the very best and hope you can get a grip on him. It's not right and should not be acceptable.

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My husband is just like that and I HATE it! Its as though its just fine for him to break stuff whenever he gets good and ready, its childish and stupid I think. I don't think they're going to learn until he gets tired of rebuying things that's why my huband finally slacked up. He said" My stupid a** always breaking sh** and I have to buy it again" that was his exact words,but he had to realize it himself. I hope your husband does soon.

Hi T.,
You seem to be the kind of person who really wants to work things out with your husband and make your marriage work. I've had a husband like that, but with a lot of work he's not the same as he once was. I pray that you will really listen to what I have to say and do it for the safety of yourself and your little girl. Please know this behavior does not get better without some professional help. It only gets worse! Please see if he will agree to some Family Counseling, because there is no doubt he has an anger management problem. If he won't, get out of there! PLEASE! I have resources if you want them so feel free to write back and I will give them to you! I'm praying for you all! God Bless You!

T.,
This is scary stuff and I think in your heart and gut you know it. My dad had a helluva temper, but never threw or broke things. His rage alone was enough to scare me to death and do lots of emotional damage.

At the very least, do you really want your child to model this behavior? Would you want your daughter married to such a man? He needs to get a grip on this behavior. Pronto.

Counseling. That's my advice, dear mama.

Love and strength to you,
C.

I had a husband that used to break MY things when he was mad. He escalated to trying to break me. He has some issues (maybe a subscription) and needs anger management couseling immediately. If he touches you out of anger one time, call the police. The only reassurance you need is that your husband grows up and deals with his anger in an adult manner. How long have you been married? This is a warning sign, do not let it go. If he continues to break your stuff. Take his money and go buy it again. My ex-father-in-law had a problem with breaking the livingroom lamps. (Hello warning sign!!!) My mother-in-law just kept buying more expensive lamps to replace them. Be careful. CB

Had one. Refused for years to get help until I had enough. Especially when I saw the effect it had on the children. Seek help now!! If he refuses, then stand your ground and insist. Don't wait til it destroys everything.

No, I do not have a husband that throws things and breaks them. Your husband has a anger-management problem. I am very concerned for you and your daughter. It is not normal or acceptable to do this. It sets a very bad example for your daughter. She will begin modeling his behavior if she isn't already. I suggest you meet with your minister or clergy immediately. You should not allow this to continue. It is unsafe and dangerous physically and emotionally.