Dumbfounded

Don't wait till too much time passes you by. I thought staying in a marriage so that the kids would have a daddy is a bologny. I stayed in a marriage for 27 years and everyday was torture. I put a happy mask every day and everyone thought the same I must have a great marriage at home but I didn't, I was slowly dying. I finally got the courage when my kids were old enough to understand but not realizing that I had damaged them along the way they saw and heard too too much fighting that now relationships are hard for them. I feel responsible. So girl get out and the sooner the better. I'm 50 with four grown children and I am full of life again. Damn does it feel good. I just hope I can meet Mr. Right one day. Best of luck to you.

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Many community colleges have a student resource center that provides free counseling services.

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There's hope. My husband cheated on me before we were married. We broke up for some time and reconnected. After we were first married, I had a hard time with trust. But after 8 years, I've learned to focus on the future and not the past. If you focus on the past, then you are doomed. Look forward to the future, your career, maybe a family. And picture your husband as a good father. It can work out, but it will take time. You have to forgive and move on. Don't dwell on the past. That's the devil's way of ruining marriages. Live for today, marriage is hard work.

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I know how you feel. My husband cheated on me before we were married, it was an off and on affair that dragged on about 9 months. I would catch him, he would be sorry and stop for a while, then a few months later he would go back.

Fast forward, he gave it up for good, committed himself to me and we married. I love him dearly but I don't think I will ever trust him completely and that is a constant source of sadness for me because I miss the innocence of our relationship before the deception.

I'm pregnant now with our first child, I know I'll never leave him unless he cheats again, and I do love him and want our life together. But I do carry a little sadness with me most of the time, and always have a little doubt in my mind, especially when he is out of town. Hopefully some day it will go away, it hasnt even been a year yet so maybe I'm hoping for it too soon.

I guess my point is, if he's cheating while you're married, leave him, and take everything he has. He isnt worth the sadness. If my husband cheats on me now that we're married, I will divorce him, no chances, no nothing.

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T., If I may, I would highly suggest counseling. It may take several to find one you like. Feel free to email me, I don't know how far you are but I have one in The Woodlands I have used for other issues. When my husband and I first got married we had issues. We came from 2 totally different backgrounds and our idea of marriage apparently was different too. He panicked and well..we did YEARS of counseling. Look marriage is NOT easy and people DO make mistakes. The question is do you love him, does he love you, and do you both want it to work. I could have walked away from my marriage 3 months after it happened. I am happy to say this year will be 19 years. I feel every marriage goes thru this type of thing. The question is will you learn and get past it. Can it happen again NO! But he may not know how to love men do these things for different reasons and so do women. It may be fixable it may not. And it will NOT be fixed over night. But I felt like at least if I tried, then I did not just walk away. I would not walk away from my kids without doing everything I could to help them and I would not walk away from my husband. However I also know about tough love. And I was ready to leave if I needed to or if he we not willing to stop doing things that were just not acceptable to me. I will keep you in my prayers. That is the only way I got thru it.

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When its right you just know, why would you want to settle?

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T.,
Your life is not over. Only the marriage might be over if you can't trust him again, but as far as you're concerned, you have to know that you'll be just fine. You just need to look to your family and kids for support. Your husband does not define who you are. The people who love you do so please try and find the strength to be there for them, and not waste your energy beating yourself up when the man you married doesn't appreciate you. We all make mistakes, that's why there are divorce lawyers! Being in a marriage makes you lose your sense of self at times. You said that you're happy and almost a different person away from him, that is a sign that there is still life in you, and if your partner doesn't nurture that beautiful side of you, maybe he's not the one for you to spend the rest of your life with?
I am a new mother of a 10 month old. I've been married 6 years this April, and it's not a happy marriage either. He changed so much after the baby and we have fought ever since she was born. Good luck!! Keep us posted on how you do. Things will get better!!

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Have you considered marriage counseling? It may be too late or he may be too much of a jack@$$ for it to work, but it can't hurt. It may give you more validation in your decisions if nothing else.

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Go do some research on www.drirene.com this site helped my to understand why I was depressed, making bad choices and what it all had to do in my relationship. Read, read, read and when you are ready and strong in yourself again you will be able to run!
T.

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You need to run not walk to the nearest attorney. Why would you want to be with a man you doon't love and a cheater at that!

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Hi T.,
Priorities: Your kids, you and then your husband. My father was cheater. My mom always would find out. Being the oldest of three, I was always aware of what was going on. When I was around 7 or 8, I can remember begging my mom to not believe what my dad would plead and promise. It became such a routine. He would cheat, she'd find out, he'd leave for a week, give her the promises and sad stories of not being able to be without her, he'd come back, it would be great for 3 months, then the cheating would happen again and so on and so on. Now, I have know that I have the BEST hubby in the world. But, it is clear to him that he will NEVER have 100% total trust from me. And it is because of my dad. I have never been able to trust any man because of what he did to us growing up. Years later, after another affair my mother threw him out and never looked back. It's like the light was just so clear for her one day. She just knew she had to just cut the strings. She continued to raise us and we have all grown up to be successful. Because of her strengths to raise us as a single mom (and I say that because my dad was around probably 30% of my childhood, if even that much) my husband knows very well that if he EVER put me through a situation like what my mom went through, I would not even ask questions. He'd have to communicate through my lawyer. He says he would never do this because he knows what he stands to lose and he would not take this chance.
I say all this because this is the man you have chosen to be your sons role model. Is this really what you want? Your sons stand a better chance and being great men being raised with a HAPPY, successful mother who did it all on her own than with a cheating step-dad and an unhappy mother. Your sons can feel your pain, they can sense your unhappiness whether you show it or not, they know.
Plus, I know that everyone says that marriage is hard work, but it really is not. It is something that is natural and if you and your husband are really on the same page, there is no bickering or fighting. Sure there are compromises and a little give and take, but that is about it. There is definitely no almost cheating or thinking about cheating. I wich you the best of luck. I will pray for you and your sons and hope for your best to come. Good luck with school and all your future endeavors because even without your husband, your dreams can be a reality!

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Did you marry him after that situation? You may need to be a bit clearer. Hold off on having more kids for now...

Regards,
W.

My husband also cheated on me, before we were married. I spent 3 years not trusting him. We've been married over a year now, and I love him. I finally got over all the things he had done and realized do i want to spend the rest of my life wondering if he was going to cheat on me again? The biggest mistake I ever made was to hold it against him for so long and rub it in his face like i was better than him. It hurts, no doubt. But he married you, that is a big step towards commitment from a man. Give it time, I have felt like you do, forgive him and don't carry any chip on your shoulders, that just causes more problems.