Don't Know What to Do - San Diego,CA

S. - first of all - get out of the house. Take the kids and go stay with a relative or some friends. If your husband threatened to hit you it should be taken very seriously. Even if he never does it, a threat like that shouldn't be taken lightly - it's a sign of serious anger issues that need to be addressed and you need to be away from him while he deals with it. Grown, mature men do not threaten (or follow through on such threats) to their wives. Next, are you part of a church, or a community group where you could ask for some aid? Word of mouth is a great way to start getting things done. Ask your friends or family if they can recommend a good counselor and attorney. Also, get online and find a local battered women's shelter - they can direct you to all kinds of resources. Most importantly, don't think that because he hasn't lashed out doesn't mean he won't - like I said, verbally threatening you is just as abusive and you shouldn't live in fear in your own home.

I would suggest that you go to your family first, and if they aren't available for some reason go to a friends. If this is just a rough period for you 2 then he will realize how much he misses you while you are gone, or this may be a much needed break for both of you. Either way, I'm sure everyone who cares about you will be more than willing to help:) Take care and God bless

You've gotten lots of good advice but you know your husband better then anybody does. I've been married almost 12 years and like all marriages, we have our moments too. If you really feel like he can harm you then get out of the house and stay somewhere for a while. Otherwise, just see if you can figure out why his sudden outburst. I hate to say it but you need to see if drugs/alcohol could be a factor. It may even be another person. These are tough questions but those are questions you have to face and I'm sure you've thought about them already. Hang in there and be strong. We all have to go through bad weather every now and then but there is always happiness right around the corner.

Your husband basically threatened you....physically and mentally. You need to get out of there. There is no time to 'figure out' why he is acting that way. Remember, your safety and your child's safety is what you have to fixate on... this is most important. YOU are your children's protector now... and protect yourself. You do NOT want it to escalate... who knows when he will snap again. Can't you see someone?Do you have your own family there...that you can find safety in to HELP you? Maybe go to a Church and ask the Clergy to help... to house you temporarily somewhere...and to provide basics for you and your children. Most cities also have a social services program 'safe house' for women who are being threatened or abused. REMEMBER... you may be in danger! Ultimately...you must REPORT this to the police... so they have DOCUMENTATION about this situation...should something happen to you and the children. It's your safety net.... to back yourself up should anything happen... if you report it, it will be 'evidence' for you, to protect you. Or, you could get a restraining order. Remember, he may be volatile (as he was already), and you don't know what to expect, should he get worse. Don't you have any FRIENDS... who could also help you too? Or, how about someone from your previous job... ? Someone who you can trust? You MUST find someone to help you and your children. Tell them you don't have money, since you are a stay at home mom. Is there any way that you can get money for yourself... from any of your accounts WITHOUT your Husband finding out? If you can, do this. And put it aside for you and your kids, should you have to escape. If you feel scared.... you MUST do something! This IS a scary situation... and not safe. You MUST try ANYTHING... any avenue of help you can find... to protect yourself and your kids. When he is not home... (i assume he works?)... get on the phone or get out of the house and find help. PROTECT yourself and your children. If your Husband is having mental problems.... there may NOT be time to just stick around and see if it gets worse or not. Talk to someone, anyone... and get help! THINK of anything you can to get help. Take care...

I'm so sorry you are going through this and it takes alot to talk about it, all I can tell you is you need to get help and I don't know if you go to church or not, but regardless of your religion, you should be able to find a church that will help you for free, with counseling and stuff like that!

Have you asked yourself why he would all of a sudden act this way? If you can ask him, see if he will tell you the reason for the change. If not, ask other family members if he may be drinking, has he lost his job and you aren't aware of it? I know this may not be something you want to look into but is there another woman in the picture that you aren't aware of? There are so many reasons for a person to just all of a sudden go off and you can't be for certain unless you ask.

If he won't tell you what the problem is then I would explore your options to separate. I myself am not a believer of divorce for spiritual reasons but there are attorneys out there who will work on a case for you for free. There are free govt programs that you can get help from for food and cash assistance or if you go back to work, you might qualify for child care assistance.

But if your husband does not want to reconcile or anything and won't share with you why he all of a sudden changed, then I would start focusing on yourself and your children and researching all the free govt programs out there because there are quite a few who will help single or separated mothers. Good luck and please let us know how things turned out. I could possibly find some of those programs for you if you need help.

Hi S.
There could be a lot of underlying issues that are going on that need to be talked about. You mentioned that you are now a stay-at-home mom...it could be possible that your husband is feeling resentment towards you. A lot of men don't understand how hard and stressful it is to be a stay-at-home parent, they figure us wives have the easy road. I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and have been since our first child was born in 2002. It has caused some issues in our marriage, especially in the beginning. I know my husband was probably resentful in the beginning, thinking I got the "easy ride", not to mention we had a lot of financial stress because he had been laid off a few times. I know now he feels differently. Your husband may be feeling this resentment, especially if money is tight right now.
Have you suspected or could it be possible he may be having an affair? I know this is probably the last thing you want to think about, but it may be something to consider.
Is he under a lot of stress at work? How does he handle stress?
Does he drink or do drugs? Have you suspected anything lke this in recent times? Is he having trouble with family members or socially?
There are soo many things to think about, and it seems that you may need to sit down and talk to him. An honest one on one chat, if that is possible. And best to do it at a time when everyone is calm, not right when he walks in the door from work. If he gets angry or threatens you again, it may be time to take other actions. You could try marriage counseling, but of course, all these things cost money, unfortunately. Maybe you could ask your physician, it may be covered by your insurance. Maybe he needs therapy, which could also be covered by your insurance. (of course, most men do not take to this advice too kindly....)

I wish I had a magic answer for you. The important thing is, if he EVER hits you, it is time to take a break from him. If he hits you once, it may happen again. You have children to worry about....but most importantly, try to get to the underlying issue first. Don't jump ship yet. But, if violence does come up, it may be time to go. Especially if he isn't willing to talk or work things out.

I hope this helps...it wasn't a magic answer, but hopefully some things to think about and talk about. Violence is NEVER ok, and I can't imagine what I would do if my husband ever threatened to hit me. I can understand though the feeling of wanting to stay and work things out, because frankly, even if my husband did hit me one time (which is totally not his personality) I know that I would probably still want to work things out because I love him, but if he did it more than once.....I would definitely leave.

Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to.
Take care and good luck
S.

It broke my heart to hear your question. I hope you and your children are safe. Has your husband ever said anything like this before? If this is a complete change from his normal behavior, I would worry about his mental health (sane people don't say things like that). If this is how he normally treats you, please leave him. Things like this only get worse! There are free shelters and free couseling available for anyone, you just have to seek it out. Google it and find help in your area for your marriage or just for you and the kids.

This sounds really bad. I am sorry he said those hurtful things to you. I can only hope your 9 year old was not around to hear that.
If he is threatening to actually hit you you should ask him to leave. or you leave. Can you go to your moms house? You should pack up some things for you and the kids and have them ready in your trunk just in case you need to make a break for it. I know it sounds extreme, but your hubby is acting extreme. Just be sure you and the kids are safe, then if you want to save your farce of a marriage you two need councling.

Wow, that is so sad. I'm so sorry to hear that. First you should tell someone - someone close that knows you. God forbid something happens, but someone in your life should know he threatened you. Secondly, you should tell him to leave the house! If he wants a divorce, then he should LEAVE. Let him file the papers, let him pay for it. If he threatens you again, you should file a police report and a possible restraining order. I honestly don't know what the requirements are for that, but maybe someone who has been in the same position should have more concete advice. But stay safe and protect those kids!

My heart goes out to you. You've received lot's of great advice already & I don't want to repeat it all. Know that it takes a strong woman to post a cry for help. I think it's safe to say we are all proud of you. Please take the needed precautions to ensure you and both of your children are safe. & that lady ablove who said to call the police if he does attack you(in ANY way...she's right. They will take him away. Just remember that if you hit back you could be just as at fault. Just defend yourself. You and yours are in my prayers. :)

I think that too many people are asking you too many questions about your situation..... why things happened doesn't matter! What matters is that he frightened you. The sheepfold is a good place to call. They deal with this type of thing and I am sure that they will have many resources for you. If a divorce is what you seek, then the family court will appoint you an attourney at no cost to you. Don't worry about money, the only thing that matters is the saftey of you and your children...everything else will fall into place... you should report what he said though. That way there is a reccord of it. That will play a huge role in custody. My father is an attourney and he always tells people to keep track of even the little things like swearing and any bad habbits... it really does help. please take care of yourself and let me know if you ever need someone to just listen to you vent.
steph

Any time someone says things like that, there is a big problem and even if he has never done it before, you can be sure it will get worse before it gets better. I would suggest some counseling even if its just for you and your 9 year old. There are lots of free programs in the area. Go to Social Services and tell them what you've told us and see if they can help you. Sounds like something is really bothering this guy. Also, you can try (as cliche as it sounds) Dr. Phil's books, "Relationship Rescue" and "Self Matters" they help alot. Good luck.

There are so many unanswered questions.

What did your husband get mad about?
Since your not working, could it be financial stress?
Did he ask for a divorce?

I am not sure what advice you are asking for.

D.

It sounds like he just lost it but I'm not sure if this is the end of your marriage especially if he's not usually like this.

I think it's time for professional help. No marriage is perfect. Had to go through and still going through our own marital problems and we have been married for 10 years too. I've been standing up for myself when he gets loose it so that he knows that I won't be pushed around.

There are government, local and church group that can and will help if divorce is eminent. What about family? See if you two can go to counseling before making any big decisions and maybe things can get worked out.