Does Having Child Ruin Your Relationship with Your Husband?

I suppose if you allow it to happen it can. Most healthy relationships stay the course though the hard times, especially at new stages with newborn, schedules, etc

You refer to "the child" and "the kid" which sounds cold to me. The statement about being solely dependent makes me wonder if your husband was on board with having a child. The statement about interfering with your emotional and physical state leads me to believe this is a new baby, new situation and depression.

Why does your husband not help with parenting? Was he on board with having a baby? Why are you solely responsible for this child? If you don't know what to do, join a mom and me group with the child, walk, go to the park, etc.

I would suggest some serious counseling for yourself. You don't mention how old this child is but you could possibly be depressed.

One priority we had when we became parents was to never lose our relationship and ourselves. We had weekly date nights before baby and up until the sudden death of my husband in 2015. For 26+ years, a weekly date was made a priority. You don't have to spend a lot of money on a weekly date but it is very important to put your marriage as a priority. Get a sitter and reconnect with husband. It also does your body good to recharge by doing something for yourself such as a spa day, get nails done, etc. Just take yourself away for a little while.

I hope you find the help you are looking for.

Wow. I'm sorry. Sounds like your marriage wasn't ready for children and now? You don't even want "the kid". That is just brutal. Is that how YOU refer to your own child? "the kid"? Are you suffering from postpartum depression? Please seek the help of your OB-GYN and a therapist.

YOU REALLY NEED HELP.

You MUST communicate with your husband. Was he always like this? If not, when did he change? Have you said anything to him? have you asked for help?? if you haven't, why not?

Like others, I have more questions than answers for you. You really were vague and didn't give enough information. Like WW, Tyler and I had many conversations about kids, we didn't have kids until we had been married 10 years. Yes, we married young, so we were in our 30's having kids instead of our 20s. We were financially established and our relationship was solid. We had our issues, heck, 25 years later, we still do. We talk. We yell. We COMMUNICATE. You and your husband NEED to communicate!

I have 4 boys. My husband was active duty military when they were born. He was deployed for 3 of the 4 for the first year of their lives. I was alone. I learned to adapt and overcome. However, I also had the help of other military wives that were friends. We traded babies every week so we could go to the commissary, doctor's appointments, etc. IT wasn't an all day event, it was a few hours. We tried to schedule it around nap times, but that wasn't always perfect.

YOU need to let people know what you need. They cannot read your mind.

When I had my children I was living overseas with no support and felt very isolated. My husband gave me very little help and, as a stay at home, I didn't feel I had the right to ask. I started pushing my husband away as well. He would want to be intimate with me but after having babies on me all day and feeling unappreciated and unhelped I was never in the mood, the last thing I wanted was someone else wanting something from me. It was like I became a mother and forgot I was also a wife, while he was not fully into father mode at all. That lack of communicate almost ended us. Looking back he had no idea I was feeling so alone, or that I needed him to do more/be more at the time. He felt unloved and unneeded and had no idea how to communicate that to me. There were so many hurt feelings that could have been avoided if we had just learned to communicate openly and honestly, to listen without judgment, and how to take a step back and see things through the other persons eyes. We ended up learning these things through counseling but only after we had reached the point of divorce. Having kids is stressful and it is a hard change for everyone, communication is more important now than ever before, and understanding from you both.

I assume you have no family or friends in the area? If not don't you still talk on the phone, or skype or face time or whatever? You need to reach out to the people who love and care about you, even if they aren't physically close.
You should also be getting out on your own a few times a week, at least, to give yourself a break and recharge. I would leave the baby with my husband a few nights a week, just to go shopping by myself, or go to the gym. Every Saturday morning I had a walking/coffee date with a girlfriend.
If you never leave your baby you WILL go crazy, so get out there!
Look for a local moms group too, it's important to connect with other parents in your community, even if it's only for an hour at the park.

When I had my first child, I remeber how hard it was. My husband worked a ton of hours and I was used to having a professional career and colleagues that I loved. Staying home with an infant was a blessing but it was hard as well.

My husband gave me the best advice ever...he told me to find a hobby. It took me a while to find something I could be passionate about but I finally did. My hobby has brought me more joy and friendships than I ever could have imagined. My youngest is now 15 and my oldest is away at college. My hobby now fills my time.

Good luck! It will get better!

Are you saying that your husband was loving, warm, and supportive and once your child was born he suddenly became hateful and isolating? Did he show signs of this behavior before the child? Was he supportive of having a child? I don't believe people change suddenly. I just wonder whether you actually understood who he was. The stress of raising a child can bring out the worst in some people, but I have the feeling your attention and affections toward the child have simply emphasized that you've chosen a very selfish man as a spouse.

You have not given enough information for specific advice, but I think the advice you've gotten here - to find friendships in mom groups, to get out of the house, and to communicate more clearly with him - is good.

Having a child can sometimes show you the deficiencies in your relationship and/or the shortcomings of your partner as a spouse and parent. The baby does't ruin things so much as reveal the existing truth.

If your husband is not being a partner to you and stepping up with his kid as a father as an equal parent, you can try to address it in counseling if he will go. If he doesn't see a problem with how things are, then you'll need to decide if you can live with the person that he is without being resentful all your life, or if you need to end the marriage to be happy.

"Does having child ruin your relationship with your husband?"

Well, if your marriage was bad to begin with, having a child isn't going to do it any favors. It's just going to make it worse, especially if your husband was not father material in the first place.

It definitely can. But more likely, hopefully, your relationship won't be ruined, but it will likely change somewhat. I did have a bit of a rude awakening when it came to how my husband helped (or didn't help) with the kids. My husband is a good guy. He loves the kids, he loves me, he is patient, smart, hard working, etc. etc. But he is NOT great with day to day minutia having to do with taking care of kids and running a house. It can feel very isolating, especially when your child is little and is dependent on you all day long.

Counseling is great if you think that's an option. Also, and I hate to say it, but I think you're going to have to lower your expectations. At the very least you are going to have to directly tell your husband what you want/need and how to give it to you. Most men are not intuitive in that way and even though it seems super obvious to us to help in certain ways they absolutely do not get it but are usually willing to do whatever you ask...but you have to ask. Somewhat nicely.

Also, find a babysitter. For real. And don't feel bad using said babysitter whenever you need it. Even if it's just a random Tuesday and you want to go to lunch or to the grocery store by yourself. My husband traveled a lot when the kids were itty bitty and I will tell you once I started getting a baby sitter I became a nicer person.

well, no, not if you're married to the right person.

it certainly CAN.

it sounds like two separate but intertwined issues here. the first is that you're alone and unappreciated in your marriage. has it always been this way? have you tried counseling? does your husband have an interest in preserving your marriage or does he not care?

it also sounds as if the responsibilities of parenting are weighing heavily on you. and that your exhaustion and depression are taking a toll on your relationship with 'the child'.

it's not the child's fault. he or she is solely dependent on parents, and if one or both parents are checked out, they're in a pretty desperate place.

obviously you need counseling on a few different levels.

and if you honestly cannot meet the child's emotional, physical and psychological needs, with or without your husband, find a family member or adoptive family who can. this will allow you to get to work on yourself.

best of luck to you.
khairete
S.

Depends a lot on who you married.
Lots of people have kids with no other family around.
I never minded it - although my husband was a great help with the baby.

What did you think having a baby was going to be like?
Especially for the first child - it can end up being a wake up call.
Talk to your doctor about your feelings.
It's possible you have some postpartum depression.

If Hubby won't help with the kid(s) - hire a baby sitter and go take some time for yourself to relax and sleep and unwind.
You'll feel better once you do.

It sounds like there are two needs that are not being met.

1. Your marriage - you need to have a strong marriage. You and your husband need to be able to have time to yourselves, just the two of you. Hire a babysitter once in awhile (even if it's only once a month). If money is tight, maybe another couple would be willing to trade services. You watch the kids one week, and they watch the kids another week. That way both couples get a date night. Another possibility is to have "date night" after bedtime. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Really, it just needs to be a time when the two of you can focus on spending time together.

2. Your needs - you need to take care of you. I struggled with this when our oldest was born. I was a SAHM, and it felt to me like my husband's life was virtually unchanged. He still went to work. he still went to his meetings after work. He still did lunch with friends now and then. When he came home, he would eat dinner with us and they go out to the garage and work on something. When I complained that I was with our son 24/7 with no breaks at all, he thought I didn't love our son enough or appreciate the fact that I got to be a SAHM. It took awhile for us to realize what was happening, but over time we were able to strike a much better balance.

You need to make some changes so that your needs are being met (you need time to yourself) and your marriage is made a priority.

Talk to your husband about these things. This is his child, too, and he needs to have a role in the child's life. He needs to step up and be a father. He needs to step up and be a husband. This isn't something you fix all by yourself. You and your husband need to be a team and figure this out together.

Welcome to Mamapedia, Dorthi.

It would help if we had some background information. Or MORE information, in general. I have questions:

a. WHY did you marry your husband?
b. Was he loving and supportive BEFORE you had a child?
c. How long were you married BEFORE you had a child?
d. WHAT does your husband do IN the marriage?
e. Did you and your husband talk about having children BEFORE you got married? If so - were you both in agreement to have children?
f. How old is your child now? The first year of the FIRST baby is the hardest for ANY couple.
g. why do YOU refer to YOUR child as "the kid"? Are you NOT bonding with your child? "The kid" sounds cold and harsh to me.
h. WHY do you feel alone, unappreciated and isolated in your marriage?
I. HOW OLD ARE YOU?
j. HOW OLD IS YOUR HUSBAND? Did he want children? Was he excited about being a dad?
k. What do you expect him to do? Does he KNOW what you expect him to do??

Before my husband and I married? We sat down numerous times and discussed children. How many we wanted. How they were going to be raised. Would one of us be a stay at home parent? What religion would we raise the child in? Would they go to private or public school? HOW would they be disciplined? So many things we discussed and it wasn't just ONE conversation. We watched our friends with kids, we watched people in stores with kids and how they handled situations. Did you and your husband do ANY of this?

How do you FIX this situation? You talk with your husband and tell him what you need and expect of him. YOU plan time with your girlfriends so that HE can bond with HIS baby/child. Then you plan time for the TWO OF YOU. Just because you're parents doesn't mean you aren't still a couple. The marriage needs tended to as well.

You really need to figure out what YOU want. TELL your husband what you want and then work on it TOGETHER. IF you need a marriage counselor - then get one that works for both of you.

You really can't do anything until you know what you want and expect. Just stating you feel alone and unappreciated isn't specific and doesn't help. This is a sample conversation:

YOU to your husband: Jim, I really need your help with John. I need you to take care of him while I'm cooking dinner.

Your husband: D., thanks for letting me know what you need from me. I thought you had it handled so I left you alone.

YOU: Jim, I'm sorry. I don't have it handled. I need help. Please step up as a parent. I really need to feel love from you. I need hugs. I need kisses. I'd like to schedule a date night for us and arrange a baby sitter. Wouldn't that be nice?

Now, granted that's ^^^ a sample and the BEST CASE conversation. You need to start it with "I NEED" or "I WANT" not "YOU ARE NOT" or YOU don't...starting a conversation with an upset "YOU don't" or "YOU aren't" will automatically put him on the defense and start a fight. You don't want a fight. You want a conversation.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

It can - but it doesn't have to. Sometimes, as others have said, any change (a child, a job change, financial pressures, whatever) can highlight the weaknesses in a marriage. A lot also depends on what you both expected and communicated beforehand. Sometimes people who work 40 hours at their jobs think that parenting takes the same number of hours, or that stay-at-home parents don't do much. One good way to handle this is to have each parent take time alone with the child, on weekends or evenings or holidays. It's good for the parent/child relationship (the child learns that both people can care for him - which builds security - and both parents can learn to appreciate the work done by the other. This is what I did, even though I had a hands-on, experienced parent in my husband. We had no family nearby who could help but he had been a hands-on dad with his 2 older kids. I had depression and exhaustion, and we worked out a schedule for me to have time away from the house. I started doing errands but it didn’t help me, so we converted it to “days off” – my husband kept our son, or, when possible, I dropped our son at preschool and kept going for the rest of my day, while my husband worked until pick-up time, then did lunch and play and naptime, going back to work in his home office. But it can work on weekends as well. We also got sitters for “Date Night” and I also had a high school kid come over after school for a few hours so I could take a shower or do stuff without interference. It’s also how I “trained” babysitters, by having the younger ones come while I was in the house for emergencies, and then they “graduated” to solo babysitting.

If you don’t know your neighbors, see if there’s a babysitting course through the Y or similar organization, or post a listing at the high school guidance office. Check with the library and community centers for mothers’ groups and support systems. Maybe you can trade off child care with another parent now and then.

But the bigger question is how you and your husband communicate. Does he “get it” or is he a 50s kind of guy who thinks this is women’s work? Are you exhausted or are you also suffering from depression? Can you see a counselor, either alone or with your husband, to work this out?

How well do you two communicate in other areas? Does he listen? Do you stand up for yourself? Are you too sleep-deprived to even do one more thing? Talk to your doctor or your child’s pediatrician about you feel and ask for resources in your area – for treatment of depression, for parenting support, for couples counseling, etc. There are low cost alternatives if you network well. But do put yourself first, not just the one who does all the work because the other one won’t. It will cause resentment between you and your child as well as a huge strain on your marriage if you don’t.

Go to the doctor right away!

There seems to be a lot of frustration especially when you refer to your child as "the child" and "the kid". You maybe suffering post partum depression and in need of counseling. Please seek advice from a doctor.

I have no idea how old your child is...but I wonder if you are dealing with post partum depression?
I highly recommend talking with your doctor/obgyn. I also encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you are feeling. Perhaps couples counseling? Having a child changes your life in SO many ways. Sometimes it really can feel like you are alone and no one understands.

Versa sums up what I was trying to write - but was having hard time saying.

Three good friends of mine married men who were great providers (careers) but not great partners. They left all the parenting to my friends entirely. I think the men thought this was the arrangement. My friends were surprised. Expectations were off.

Even when husbands are great partners (mine) it's super hard.

I wouldn't say kids ruin a marriage.I would say being married to the same person for 25 years is tough - keeping it fresh.

Having kids changes you, your husband changes too but hopefully you change and grow together through the journey of parenting your kids. Also - you have to have your outside interests to keep things fresh (and of course, you need to make time for yourselves as a couple).

You have two issues - your marriage, and your mental/physical well being. If I were you, I'd take care of you first.

- get out to stop feeling isolated. Good ideas below. Most moms feel isolated at some point. I did and my husband helped out.
- getting physically fit (walk, join a exercise class - some watch kids while you go) makes the world of difference. That's always been a priority for me - it will make a huge difference in your mental well being.

Concentrate on you first. Ask your husband for specific help. If he's unwilling to do that - then ask a counselor for guidance and go from there. One step at a time so you don't get overwhelmed.

Talk to your doctor. Try out antidepressants and call today to start seeing a therapist. All these things have helped me immensely. Your problem is not your child. From the longer post your wrote it sounds like a lot of this is due to your husband and the kind of person he is (not helpful, not into children, not a family guy). And I'm sure some of it is on you too...but working with a therapist can really help you sort things out.

D.,

There's a lot unsaid here, so I'm going to read between the lines. The detached way in which you talk about your child has my radar flashing.

The feelings of being overwhelmed, alone, and isolated are red flags. Call your doctor and ask for an appointment to make sure there is no underlying medical issue going on, and while you're there, be completely honest, share how you're feeling, and ask him/her for a referral to a therapist or counselor.

You have access to the internet, so start searching for a group of moms/parents where you can seek social support. There are so many of these groups, often based on ages of the children. You'll learn so much from other parents, and there is a good chance you may even develop a few friendships. Social interaction is so important for parents of young children. Parenting is demanding, and sometimes it can feel very lonely. You have to replenish your emotional/social self in order to be the parent your child needs.

Everyone needs to have support from others. You can't do this all alone. Further isolating yourself won't do any good for you or your child.

One thing you can do right now, is get out of the house with your child. Take a walk around the block, go to the library or book store, go to the park or playground, anything that gets you out and about. Make it a point to get out of the house a little bit each day. Then, on Monday morning, call your doctor.

It does get better.

Wishing you the best.

Please make sure you are using reliable birth control, in addition to all the great suggestions below.