Hi - I know you're not attorneys and of course I am seeking counsel on this but I'm curious to know if any of you have run into this in real life and what the outcome was.
My ex and I have been separated for almost 2.5 years and our kids, 12 & 13 years old, have lived with me since he moved out. We subsequently moved as well but are in a rental home that is larger than our prior home while his is a smaller condo. The kids spend at most one night a week at his place and have dinner with him several nights a week.
We just had our first court date today to hear a motion for temporary orders that I filed along with the complaint for divorce. We had tried to mediate and file a joint petition but that broke down so I finally filed. This was the first legal action on our case and I've gone this entire time with no financial support from him.
We stipulated to temporary orders that grant me physical custody and he will have to pay me child support via wage assignment (and I agreed to an amount lower than the state guidelines). During our session with the court mediator, he mentioned that he would be moving in with his girlfriend this year. They have been dating for about a year and he just introduced her to the kids last week. She has a job, owns a home in a neighboring town and has two teenagers who live with her. I haven't met her but from what I know, other than having the bad judgment to be in a relationship with my ex, she seems like a normal person. He indicated that he believes that this will put him in a "much better place" to argue for joint custody as he claims that the reasons he hadn't fought for this before were that he didn't have the space (he does, but he chose to not really make space for the boys or treat his condo as their home) and didn't have the schedule to get them to school but now that will change.
I'm wondering if he's right. On one hand, I can sort of see his perspective. On the other hand, I don't really see a judge uprooting two older children from a living arrangement that has worked well for them for over two years. They are happy and stable. They feel that they see their dad enough. One of them enjoys sleeping at his house but doesn't want to do that more than once a week. The other one complains about the once-per-week and often doesn't go. They have often stated that they're glad that they live in one house and don't have to switch parents every few nights like a lot of their friends do. I am able to meet all of their needs on my own, and have been doing so alone for more than two years and carried the weight of being primary caregiver and breadwinner during marriage. But now that he's got a girlfriend, that's supposed to change everything?
So...thoughts? Experience? Thanks for sharing your feedback!
Thanks everyone! Diane, that was very helpful. In putting away my documents last night, I came across the following...when we were trying to file jointly, I had him fill out a form that you have to file with the petition that states why your marriage didn't work out. I had him fill in the first draft to see what he would write (betting on the fact that it wouldn't read "husband has an untreated mood disorder, anger issues, and is a serial philanderer"). He wrote "we were not able to balance the complexities of a blended family. We feel a divorce is best for our kids." So there, in his own hand, is a testament that he tried and failed at blending a family (our older kids) in the past and our younger kids had suffered from it. Now he wants to do it again but without even committing to marriage? I don't think so! Hopefully he'll get reasonable counsel who will set him straight and we won't spend too much time or energy going down this path.
@AKMom, you have it wrong. On the night they are supposed to stay with their dad, if the kids don't have hockey games I make plans and go out for dinner or see a movie with friends, send them off with their dad for dinner, tell them to have fun and that I'll see them the next day. Two out of three times, on average, I come home to find one or both of my sons at home because plans changed or they got into an argument over something dumb or he started criticizing the older one (again). I've set up and paid for counseling appointments for him and the older one that he hasn't attended, or has attended and argued through with no resolution or follow up. There's only so much smoothing over and hand-holding I can do...he's a grown man who needs to address his mental health problems and change his parenting style if he wants to have good relationships with his kids. His relationships with his immediate and extended family are equally strained and volatile.
I think your kids are at an age where they can say, "Sorry dad, but I'm happy with the living arrangement I have now. I don't want to be uprooted from my life, so no, I don't want to live with you half time."
And I think that they should tell him that before anyone spends any more money on legal fees. Like, now.
No I don't think this would give him an upper hand. Its a girlfriend not a wife so that situation can change at any monent. The kids are old enough to voice their wished and should have a say in what happens. Make sure your lawyer knows that the kids are happy with the current arrangement and you will push to make sure it stays that way. Ex is just looking at this as a way to save money and will put your boys in a situation that suits his needs and not theirs.
Also please go for the max amount of child support you can get for your kids. They deserve it. Just because your marriage didn't work out doesn't mean you should cult him a break on supporting the kids.
I'm not sure of his reasoning.
He thinks blending families is going to save him money while his girlfriend is going to expect him to pull his weight and maybe help support her kids too.
Also - right now at his place - your ex visits with his kids.
When they visit at the girlfriends house - if that's where he will be living - it won't be just him but also his girlfriend and her kids - and it's their territory - they might not be keen to share that.
I'd go for the full amount of child support that the law allows.
Your kids will need college - costs keep going up and up - he should help pay for that - and through one or both of you your kids should have health insurance for as long as they can.
Your kids are right on the edge of the age where they can have a say about their preferences.
I think your kids should stay with you in one stable house and visit with dad every now and then.
But ultimately the court will make the decision.
I don't have any real advice or personal experience but from what I've seen in others' relationships a man always becomes more "available" to his kids when he has a woman to help him do the work.
Don't let this deter you from your current path, what's working for you and especially for your kids. I'm sure your attorney will agree.
My friend split with her guy who was a narcissist and had no interest in her or the kids. When they split, she decided to let him off the hook and didn't go for the max amount he could have paid. I think she wanted to be very fair and give him a break. Anyhow, he kind of worked her around, hasn't worked, and she has had to cover most of it - including all their extracurricular stuff.
When he met someone, she was happy I think because at least someone would pay attention to the kids when they spent time with him. He acted like they were a loving, stable family and I think tried what your ex is doing. The courts did not go for it. I think they looked at the whole picture, the fact that the kids were happy and doing well where they were and how their mom had provided for them.
I don't think it will matter. For my friend, she was just happy the woman was there to make sure they were fed and bathed. Other than that, nothing really changed.
Best to you :)
He is such a selfish and lazy person, JB. What he wants is this girlfriend to do all the work with these kids while he "tells them what to do". Considering he took you to the cleaners, I'll be so surprised if you EVER get a penny of child support from him.
I hope you get what you want and that the judge will listen to your kids about THEIR wishes in this matter. Don't give him ANY more concessions.
I suggest you ask your attorney about talking to the kids to see what they want to do.
At their age, when both homes are equal in ability to support them the judge will likely let the kids go where they want to live.
i have no experience in the matter, but my hope is that the fact alone that he hasn't contributed to their financial keep since your separation is a huge red flag for the judge.
good luck, JB. you've really been a model of patient forbearance throughout all of this.
the gf, if she is indeed a pretty normal person, has no idea what she's letting herself and her kids in for.
khairete
S.
I'm late to the party on this one, and I didn't read all the responses (sorry if this kind of reflects what others said).
Sure, it might put him in a "better" position, but that doesn't mean it will happen. Regardless of what you have done and are continuing to do, and regardless of where he did live and lives now, at the age your kids are, they will likely play the biggest factor of all in who stays with who how much.
Ask for a GAL to be appointed. That will definitely suss out where the best interests lie for the kids. That way, you don't have to "defend" your position - rather, an unbiased person will write a report (which the judge only takes into consideration, it isn't binding, but most Judges take GAL reports very seriously) as to what they feel is the best for the kids after meeting with the kids, both of you and visiting both homes.
As an aside, I can't stress enough (really, I can't) that you should NOT be accepting, agreeing to, offering ANY kind of discounted support for your children. I know what you are thinking in this regard - I've been there, done that. In hindsight, it was one of the poorer choices that I made looking back over things. Your husband is responsible for paying what the state says he should be paying. You are responsible for seeking and accepting this amount. To accept less, lower, or some other discounted number in my opinion shouldn't be allowed. It often happens with women who have been kind of "beaten down" emotionally by their ex-spouse's who just feel happy to get what they get to keep the peace, so to speak.
You may not "need" the money, but your soon to be ex, NEEDS to be held completely responsible for his share of raising the kids. Period. Put the money in a trust if you like.
Just my two cents!
I hope it changes things because, from your own admission, you are not currently fostering a relationship between the children and their father (saying child often does not go for visits ect). It is important for them to foster a positive relationship with their father and to do that he has to be more then a pay check and a night a week. It would also be benifital for them to get to know their new step siblings. You may not all agree to 50/50 but something much closer to that would be appropriate and what is really best for the children.
I hope he is smart enough to get a lawyer and fight for his kids.
