25 answers

Do You Have Sex with Your Husband When You're Mad?

Nikkis question made me think. I have no problem saying I love you when I'm mad. The problem I have is SHOWING my love when I'm mad. I get mad and stay mad for a week and the last thing I want to do is have sex. But he tells me that's when he longs for me the most. I suppose it's because he feels disconnected from me when I'm mad, so the way he knows to connect is sexually. But I hold a grudge and pout and can't even begin to think about laying down with him. He actually counts the days. I know everybody says angry sex is great, but I'm not in the mood when I'm mad or hurt. It's sometimes, admittedly, a punishment. But mostly, I just am not sexual when things are not good between us. True, It has ended a fight or 2. I'll give myself a peptalk that one of us has to blink, it might as well be me. Then I go kiss and make up. But mostly it's just a lot of cold shoulder. Do you withhold your affections when you're mad? How do you manage to work yourself into a passion when you're not feeling him at all?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

If you have followed my saga you know that the areas we are lacking are communication and conflict resolution. I pout because we are not able to communicate well and without communication there is no resolution. I would love for him to say he's sorry he did that really mean thing or said that terrible thing and us to kiss and make up. But that doesnt happen. I say sweetheart, you hurt my feelings. He gets defensive and says f -you and f-your feelings and walks out. Then I pout for a week about the original offense and his terrible reaction to my attempt to talk about it. I am aware that's not healthy and we are in couseling and we do belong to covenant couples connection at church, go to every seminar, and pray together about it. I have bought every communication book on the market and we are aware there is a problem! Todays issue is sex when you're mad. Not about our conflict resolution skills and poor communication.

Featured Answers

Hi T.
I'm the same, I have to feel connected and in the mood to have sex. Never got the angry sex thing.
As for my hubby his an "anytime,anywhere,everyday "type of guy.
I try to give some loving as much as possible apart from when we agrue which I am closed for business then LOL
All the best
B. k

4 moms found this helpful

Hmmm, inconsistently I do.

Sometimes, things go on so long and the feelings are so bad and the issue that started it is completely lost and neither one of us knows where to start to fix the damn mess, yes, then I'll just jump him. No Talking Allowed.

Otherwise, no I'm like you, when I'm mad, I'm mad, don't want him touchin' me, sigh.

:(

4 moms found this helpful

As long as you aren't the one that 'blinks' every time- I say it is a way to get over the anger. It also depends on what you are angry about. I can't get my mind off my problems enough to get into the whole thing but sometimes if he really tries and works to make me get into it, I can and then you're right- the fights over then!

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

I can't have sex when I'm mad - there is no way I can get turned on when I'm angry.
Anyone who wants to "connect" with me when I'm angry needs to appeal to my brain, not my crotch.

11 moms found this helpful

I actually only stay mad at my husband for hours, not days. We are both pretty good about talking things out and seeing each other's perspective so there's never really a lot of linger negative emotions after the argument has been resolved.

To answer your question, I feel that sex is supposed to be a loving act between two consentual adults who desire to have sex with each other. If it is just a stamina or "not in the mood" problem, I will try to do what I can to relax and enjoy it -- if that's even possible. My husband understands when it's just been one of those days and won't press. But if I'm mad or if my husband is mad at me and one or the other of us doesn't want to have that physical intimacy then we'll just focus on resolving the conflict instead of ignoring. I have to say, that once we have a "meeting of the minds" and the issue has been resolved, the make up sex can be really hot. But I think both partners should want it because they are in a loving space, not because one or the other feels particularly needy.

Just my own two cents.

6 moms found this helpful

Sounds like a few of you might be confused about "make up sex" or else I definitely am. I have always thought make up sex was sex AFTER you had already made up. Not sex TO make up.

So, no, I don't have sex with him when I am mad. He doesn't want it either...because we all know that if "mama isn't happy, ain't nobody happy" LOL. He would never approach me for sex knowing I was mad or upset. My husband probably isn't the best communicator out there, but he does believe that it is important and always wants to work things out and not stay mad. If we get angry with each other to the point that one person is in a huff and stomps around or stops talking or whatever.... it doesn't last 24 hours. He wouldn't be able to stand it, and neither would I.

Now, back to the sex part of the question. Sometimes, if you have really been in a horrible argument about BIG things (not the little annoying things that build up sometimes that we overreact to, but the big DEEP issues that crop up once in a great blue moon), and you work together THROUGH the issues, it is the safest feeling place in the world. And "make up" sex can be GREAT. ;)

6 moms found this helpful

When I am mad I will not have sex with my husband. I have never understood make-up sex. It doesn't work for me AT ALL. If I am pissed I will just be critiqueing (so spelled wrong) him the whole time (why is he doing that? He knows I hate that! ugh! His breath...yada yada yada) I guess I always thought make-up sex was AFTER you have talked out whatever is making you mad and THEN you have sex...not have sex while you're mad.
Hey, to each his own...but my husband is not having any sex unless it's with himself when I am mad! (but, I just have to say....I have never been mad at him for longer than a couple of hours. If he pissed me off for a whole week it would have to be for something MAJOR)
L.

5 moms found this helpful

I would love to know how one stays mad for a week. Yikes!

I wish I could answer this question but if we have a disagreement we talk, work it out, no fight, no pout, no grudge.

One of us has to blink? It sounds more like a battle of wills that an attempt to find the best and rational solution.

Okay so if I were to answer I would work through the problem so I am no longer angry in theory that would put me in the mood.

Just read your what happened. I really hope your husband is not like my ex, he never did learn to communicate, which is why he is my ex..... I wish I could give you a hug. Oh in the last few years of our marriage I managed to work myself up by pretending he was someone else. It does actually work so long as you don't open your eyes. :(

5 moms found this helpful

Hmmm, inconsistently I do.

Sometimes, things go on so long and the feelings are so bad and the issue that started it is completely lost and neither one of us knows where to start to fix the damn mess, yes, then I'll just jump him. No Talking Allowed.

Otherwise, no I'm like you, when I'm mad, I'm mad, don't want him touchin' me, sigh.

:(

4 moms found this helpful

Hi T.
I'm the same, I have to feel connected and in the mood to have sex. Never got the angry sex thing.
As for my hubby his an "anytime,anywhere,everyday "type of guy.
I try to give some loving as much as possible apart from when we agrue which I am closed for business then LOL
All the best
B. k

4 moms found this helpful

It takes too much energy to stay angry. It's a distraction.

It sounds like whatever you are fighting about is not getting resolved, which is why you're staying angry. So, either your communication method as a couple is broken or you perpetuate chaotic situations within your relationship. Perhaps you grew up witnessing your parents in a similar 'arguing cycle' and this 'fight/make-up/fight/make-up' dynamic is familiar to you on a subconscious level; maybe he grew up witnessing that type of relationship with his parents? If this happens or you feel this way more often than not, then it's more of a repeating cycle than instances of disagreements.

3 moms found this helpful

Actually, and I didn't realize I was even doing it but my fiance caught on, I used to pick fights just to have make up sex. We were arguing one day, and we both get very passionate about our views/opinions, and he's sexy when he gets mad... well I went to jump on him (he reciprocated) but afterwards he was like 'I swear you just fight over dumb sh!t so we have 'angry sex'... I was like 'nu-UH!!' and he goes SEE?! YOU'RE DOING IT NOW!!

LOL, I sure was ;)

I see your point though. The really ugly fights, I don't want to be in the same room as you, let alone let you touch me. It's not fair that he counts the days, and it's not fair that you don't give him a chance after a few days (me personally, I'd make him sweat and then really work for it! Maybe you won't have to put any work in, LOL!) And he can't give you the cold shoulder if you are trying to kiss and make up. You guys are in this vicious cycle that someone has to be the bigger person to break ;)

3 moms found this helpful

In order for me to help you and give you the best advice I possibly can, it would be very helpful for me to know what your husband did to upset you so much. It's so hard to give you advice b/c I don't know if your anger is justified or not. If you are willing to tell us what your husband did to upset you in the "so what happened" section, I would be happy to give you my advice!

Thanks for the "what happened" part. Now I can give you advice. I know you only want advice regarding how to have sex while upset, but I really need to comment on what you wrote (briefly, okay?). The fact that your husband curses at you and says "f you" is completely unacceptable and is most definately NOT sex worthy behavior!!!! The #1 rule about fighting/arguing is no profanity and it appears that your husband breaks that rule often. No wonder why you don't want to have sex with him! I wouldn't have sex w/ my husband either if he told me to f off!!! Your hurt feelings are completely justified. I was going to recommend marriage counseling but you said you are in marriage conseling. I hope you are discussing his profanity problem. He needs to learn that he must have/show respect for you even when he is upset with you. It is okay to disagree and get upset with each other as long as it done in a respectful way. We are all guilty of snapping at each other from time to time, and if that happens, an apology has to follow it. Your husband needs a lot of thearpy regarding respectful communication with you. If he isn't willing to try (very, very hard) at being respectful toward you even when he is upset with you (and eventually succed at this), then that would be a deal breaker for me. I would tell my husband that he will soon be telling wife #2 to f off, because he won't be saying it to me anymore. So sorry and good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

Angry... yes.

Hurt... no.

3 moms found this helpful

As long as you aren't the one that 'blinks' every time- I say it is a way to get over the anger. It also depends on what you are angry about. I can't get my mind off my problems enough to get into the whole thing but sometimes if he really tries and works to make me get into it, I can and then you're right- the fights over then!

3 moms found this helpful

Nope -No Sex For Him!!! I take out my B.O.B ;-)
He can fend for himself.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you kind of answered your own question. When you are angry you punish him through withdrawl. He wants to end the conflict and feel connected. Having sex will connect you and you are not interested in that, you are invested in your grudge and staying disconnected. Sex becomes the focus and diverts you from what the real issues are in the relationship.

Make up sex is about reconnecting and that is what happens for a lot of couples. If you truly don't want to reconnect you won't. If sex is used as a way to disconnect and punish then you will not be able to "work yourself into a passion" no matter how you try.

Could you find ways to communicate your hurt and anger sooner rather than "holding a grudge?" Is "punishing" him resolving the underlying conflicts? Are you actually feeling better when you "hold a grudge and pout?" Are you actually just hurting yourself and in your head is the vicious voice actually beating you up terribly?

My ex and I used to do the cold war thing all the time rather than actually fight or communicate. Needless to say, we are now divorced. Relationships need to be based on communicating; not punishment/reward or blame/guilt. Sex gets really confusing when it is used as a tool of punishment/reward rather than sharing and connectedness.

2 moms found this helpful

I guess it depends on what kind of mad I am. Am I 'you spent our savings drinking and put beer on the credit card because we aren't making bills as it is' mad or ' you left the toilet seat down mad'? For the bigger issue, which we have finally resoved and moved on from, it took a LOT longer than one week! And no, we did NOT have sex. But for a toilet seat? Eeehhhh.....ten minutes tops......and then we were spent!

2 moms found this helpful

Not a direct answer, but this might help your situation. We try to make sure that we clock in romance regularly. Having the physical connection, and the happy juices flowing gives us both a release and puts us in better heads. Niggly things and oversights are far less problematic if we are both well s3xed. So I'm advocating, frequent, preventative, maintenance s3x. It promotes good will and understanding.

2 moms found this helpful

Honey, I wouldn't ever want to have sex with someone who says "f-you or f-your feelings". If my husband ever said "f-you" to me, it would be hell to pay. I wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that, and I hope my husband wouldn't put up with it from me either!
If your husband wants to keep that sexual, intimate connection open, then he needs to man up and APOLOGIZE for his deplorable behavior. If you keep giving in, then he is going to learn that he can behave that way AND get his rocks off too.

2 moms found this helpful

I get what your saying. It's hard to feel sexual when your still totally ticked.

I havent read anything but if this is a way he acts on a regular basis (F you and your feelings instead of I'm sorry) Then I can see how you would be upset that long.

2 moms found this helpful

It depends on why I'm mad... if he's been thoughless, but is generally sorry then it's a great way for us to reconnect. When he's been mean or hasn't apologized, then no. He knows it, too. So, if he's in the "mood", he knows that he better apologize and be nice or it simply won't happen.

2 moms found this helpful

Depends on WHY I'm mad to begin with. Did he make me feel small or less important than I should be? There's no sex or kissing (hugs, yes, but not much else until I feel better and he's done so correcting the situation). If I'm mad at him for just normal aggrivation? I am more the "man" in the situation and want to have sex, while my husband is not into it at all if things aren't happy and joyful between us. When we first got married, I was pretty upset with that, thinking he didn't want to have sex with me means he doesn't love me anymore or whatever....I'd never known a man to turn down "angry sex". But he doesn't like that feeling and can't put sex, which he feels is loving and happy, with anger which makes him feel poisoned. We had to discuss that a few times before I felt "ok" with allowing time for working through things before sex.

1 mom found this helpful

Depends on how angry I am, and what issue it is.
If its something that hurts me, like down to my core....then no. If it's something I am just irritated about, ticked with, etc...then yeah.
In my relationship I tell my BF when I am angry, and tell him that just because I am having sex with him, doesn't "solve" the problem. It's clear, and blunt...which seems to be the only things that get through, lol.
It took a few years to perfect it, but we got it
Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have sex with my partner if I'm angry. Have you two tried counseling to help with communication T.? I can relate to how frustrating it is when you don't feel like you're understood or your feelings aren't acknowleged. It is SO important. I was married to a man who never seemed to understand my needs and wasn't able to communicate with me and always reacted angrily when I tried to communicate a concern I had with him etc. I was very unahppy and now we are divorced. I'm very lucky to now have a man who I can communicate wonderfully with and I'm very happy. I really do wish you the very best!
OOPs, Sorry, just read your update that you ARE in counselling. That's great!

1 mom found this helpful

T., I am the exact same way! I do not want to be bothered AT ALL when I am mad with my husband and things are not good between us. I totally disconnect. I don't know if I will ever get out of that. I know I need to give in at least once in a while.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a hard time sleeping when something has upset me, and same is for my husband... the only differance is I am very vocal about it and he is not. Example "I like to get flowers more then twice a year. I understand that you think it is a waste of money but I really enjoy them and it shows that you were thinking about me before you got home from work and bought them. Also it can light my passion (usually that is enough said)."

He on the other hand, like last night, just sits and tosses and turns all night. Finally I said "are you ok, something bothering you." He was quiet... I said "I love you and you can tell me anything, I will always love you." Well he finally told me that a few nights ago he was little jealous that I stayed out late with a guy friend, he knew nothing happended, but he felt insecure about it. I apoligized, I really do not want him to feel like that and promised him that after the games it is one beer and I will be home no later then midnight. He felt bad that I "have" to change but I told him it is not about me changing but about us as a couple. We have been together for EIGHT years and he should be able to tell me anything as well as me him without the other getting bent out of shape.

Anyway wrapping up my long story, point is I try not to stay mad, it is simply not healthy... it really gets me or anyone nowhere. With in 24hrs we deal with whatever and usually we kiss/hug and sometimes passionate love making happens :)

I do not think I have ever had sex mad, sex mad just sees wrong... you have sex because you love each other and care for each other. I can see why you would not want to while mad.

On another note, yes I have had sex with hubby when not feeling in the mood but he needed the connection (I or he were not mad, I just was not in a sexy mood). Ways I can work myself up... asking hubby to buy me flowers, taking a long bath, drinking wine, eating chocolates, sometimes working out... anything that gets those endorphins going to trigger happy, sexy thoughts about myself. To feel sexy towards hubby the majoirty is me feeling sexy first but also need the loving connection, like flowers or a date night, or something he does that is caring without me asking all the time. It is great when you he smiles and says "hey sexy" that of course makes me happy and feel a little sexy, or the quit a$$ slap/grab which in turn I do back (good way to get a little frustration out of tension is there too, of course nothing hard or hurtful).

1 mom found this helpful

That's usually our cure if we're mad about something. Nothings better than makeup sex!

1 mom found this helpful

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