25 answers

Do You Have Sex with Your Husband When You're Mad?

Nikkis question made me think. I have no problem saying I love you when I'm mad. The problem I have is SHOWING my love when I'm mad. I get mad and stay mad for a week and the last thing I want to do is have sex. But he tells me that's when he longs for me the most. I suppose it's because he feels disconnected from me when I'm mad, so the way he knows to connect is sexually. But I hold a grudge and pout and can't even begin to think about laying down with him. He actually counts the days. I know everybody says angry sex is great, but I'm not in the mood when I'm mad or hurt. It's sometimes, admittedly, a punishment. But mostly, I just am not sexual when things are not good between us. True, It has ended a fight or 2. I'll give myself a peptalk that one of us has to blink, it might as well be me. Then I go kiss and make up. But mostly it's just a lot of cold shoulder. Do you withhold your affections when you're mad? How do you manage to work yourself into a passion when you're not feeling him at all?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

If you have followed my saga you know that the areas we are lacking are communication and conflict resolution. I pout because we are not able to communicate well and without communication there is no resolution. I would love for him to say he's sorry he did that really mean thing or said that terrible thing and us to kiss and make up. But that doesnt happen. I say sweetheart, you hurt my feelings. He gets defensive and says f -you and f-your feelings and walks out. Then I pout for a week about the original offense and his terrible reaction to my attempt to talk about it. I am aware that's not healthy and we are in couseling and we do belong to covenant couples connection at church, go to every seminar, and pray together about it. I have bought every communication book on the market and we are aware there is a problem! Todays issue is sex when you're mad. Not about our conflict resolution skills and poor communication.

Featured Answers

Hi T.
I'm the same, I have to feel connected and in the mood to have sex. Never got the angry sex thing.
As for my hubby his an "anytime,anywhere,everyday "type of guy.
I try to give some loving as much as possible apart from when we agrue which I am closed for business then LOL
All the best
B. k

4 moms found this helpful

Hmmm, inconsistently I do.

Sometimes, things go on so long and the feelings are so bad and the issue that started it is completely lost and neither one of us knows where to start to fix the damn mess, yes, then I'll just jump him. No Talking Allowed.

Otherwise, no I'm like you, when I'm mad, I'm mad, don't want him touchin' me, sigh.

:(

4 moms found this helpful

As long as you aren't the one that 'blinks' every time- I say it is a way to get over the anger. It also depends on what you are angry about. I can't get my mind off my problems enough to get into the whole thing but sometimes if he really tries and works to make me get into it, I can and then you're right- the fights over then!

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

I can't have sex when I'm mad - there is no way I can get turned on when I'm angry.
Anyone who wants to "connect" with me when I'm angry needs to appeal to my brain, not my crotch.

11 moms found this helpful

I actually only stay mad at my husband for hours, not days. We are both pretty good about talking things out and seeing each other's perspective so there's never really a lot of linger negative emotions after the argument has been resolved.

To answer your question, I feel that sex is supposed to be a loving act between two consentual adults who desire to have sex with each other. If it is just a stamina or "not in the mood" problem, I will try to do what I can to relax and enjoy it -- if that's even possible. My husband understands when it's just been one of those days and won't press. But if I'm mad or if my husband is mad at me and one or the other of us doesn't want to have that physical intimacy then we'll just focus on resolving the conflict instead of ignoring. I have to say, that once we have a "meeting of the minds" and the issue has been resolved, the make up sex can be really hot. But I think both partners should want it because they are in a loving space, not because one or the other feels particularly needy.

Just my own two cents.

6 moms found this helpful

Sounds like a few of you might be confused about "make up sex" or else I definitely am. I have always thought make up sex was sex AFTER you had already made up. Not sex TO make up.

So, no, I don't have sex with him when I am mad. He doesn't want it either...because we all know that if "mama isn't happy, ain't nobody happy" LOL. He would never approach me for sex knowing I was mad or upset. My husband probably isn't the best communicator out there, but he does believe that it is important and always wants to work things out and not stay mad. If we get angry with each other to the point that one person is in a huff and stomps around or stops talking or whatever.... it doesn't last 24 hours. He wouldn't be able to stand it, and neither would I.

Now, back to the sex part of the question. Sometimes, if you have really been in a horrible argument about BIG things (not the little annoying things that build up sometimes that we overreact to, but the big DEEP issues that crop up once in a great blue moon), and you work together THROUGH the issues, it is the safest feeling place in the world. And "make up" sex can be GREAT. ;)

6 moms found this helpful

When I am mad I will not have sex with my husband. I have never understood make-up sex. It doesn't work for me AT ALL. If I am pissed I will just be critiqueing (so spelled wrong) him the whole time (why is he doing that? He knows I hate that! ugh! His breath...yada yada yada) I guess I always thought make-up sex was AFTER you have talked out whatever is making you mad and THEN you have sex...not have sex while you're mad.
Hey, to each his own...but my husband is not having any sex unless it's with himself when I am mad! (but, I just have to say....I have never been mad at him for longer than a couple of hours. If he pissed me off for a whole week it would have to be for something MAJOR)
L.

5 moms found this helpful

I would love to know how one stays mad for a week. Yikes!

I wish I could answer this question but if we have a disagreement we talk, work it out, no fight, no pout, no grudge.

One of us has to blink? It sounds more like a battle of wills that an attempt to find the best and rational solution.

Okay so if I were to answer I would work through the problem so I am no longer angry in theory that would put me in the mood.

Just read your what happened. I really hope your husband is not like my ex, he never did learn to communicate, which is why he is my ex..... I wish I could give you a hug. Oh in the last few years of our marriage I managed to work myself up by pretending he was someone else. It does actually work so long as you don't open your eyes. :(

5 moms found this helpful

Hmmm, inconsistently I do.

Sometimes, things go on so long and the feelings are so bad and the issue that started it is completely lost and neither one of us knows where to start to fix the damn mess, yes, then I'll just jump him. No Talking Allowed.

Otherwise, no I'm like you, when I'm mad, I'm mad, don't want him touchin' me, sigh.

:(

4 moms found this helpful

Hi T.
I'm the same, I have to feel connected and in the mood to have sex. Never got the angry sex thing.
As for my hubby his an "anytime,anywhere,everyday "type of guy.
I try to give some loving as much as possible apart from when we agrue which I am closed for business then LOL
All the best
B. k

4 moms found this helpful

It takes too much energy to stay angry. It's a distraction.

It sounds like whatever you are fighting about is not getting resolved, which is why you're staying angry. So, either your communication method as a couple is broken or you perpetuate chaotic situations within your relationship. Perhaps you grew up witnessing your parents in a similar 'arguing cycle' and this 'fight/make-up/fight/make-up' dynamic is familiar to you on a subconscious level; maybe he grew up witnessing that type of relationship with his parents? If this happens or you feel this way more often than not, then it's more of a repeating cycle than instances of disagreements.

3 moms found this helpful

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