What Is Wrong with Me? (Sex Question)

I feel the same way....you are not alone!
I enjoy it when it happens....but I could totally live without it....I'm tired, I don't crave it, etc.
When he initiates and we do have sex...its AWESOME, and I think, why did I put that off....but then the next opportunity comes around and I'd much rather sleep!

It's funny isn't it? Men expect us to be hard workers (whether in the home or out), to take care of the children, to make the meals, do the laundry, clean. ect.... and then just give it up whenever he wants it.
I am often WAY more apt to be sexy with my husband if he helps around the house. If I am the only one doing everything than sex is the last thing on my mind.
You said you didn't want advice as to what you should say or do with him, so I'm not gonna give it. Just know that a LOT of women feel the same way.
L.

I've felt the same way too. Never really had a big sex drive, and then with kids, work, and house responsibilities, get so worn out I just want to go to sleep when the kids do!

Try to find a happy medium. Maybe sometimes let laundry or dishes go a bit so that you have a bit more energy for him, and maybe take a day off just for you once in a while (I'm not saying every week, but once in a while you need a YOU day!)

After I had my kids, I felt the same way as you for awhile. I think on some level it is normal.

~Then one day hubby and I were "snuggling" and I kissed him big and rubbed his arm muscles (like I used to, I love his arms ;) and I could physically see and emotionally feel how much it meant to him...after that I had a quick realization how much I was hurting him and depriving him of basic human need for contact and it made me feel so sad! Ever since then things have been different... mentally and physically between us.

You are not alone. Others can relate.

We were in the same spot about a year ago... both working full time and then taking care of our little boy and keeping up with the house was wiping me out, leaving little time/energy/interest for my husband. We fought constantly about how much, when, how... whatever. It was an issue.

I finally brought it up outside of an argument and we had a real conversation about it. I was exhausted all the time and feeling like I had no time to myself. He was managing to find at least 45 minutes each night to "decompress", which I wasn't doing and I was resentful. On top of that, I told him that I just didn't feel like he showed me any affection during the day and then expected me to "turn it on" at night. On the other hand, he defined affection as sex. Period.

We actually had a conversation about what was "enough" for him and whether I'm completely in the mood or not, we have sex at minimum 3 x's a week. In turn, I get a half hour to myself each night and we agreed to hire a housekeeper. He cleans-up the dinner dishes and whoever gets home first starts dinner.

It's amazing how we were actually upset about the same things, but had different needs- talking (not arguing) helped. Being honest and not mean-spritied helped. Being reasonable about what you can and can't do... changed everything for us.

Good luck- for many men this is a deal-breaker. You may want to have a real conversation with him and try to reconnect on some level as a couple.

I have felt the same way, but than I realized I was being unfair. Every one wants to feel loved and desired by their mate. And really, when I though about it, is 20 minutes really too much to give to make sure my husband knows how much he matters to me? Once I started being more available to him in the ways he needed, WOW was I surprised at the changes in our relationship. He feels so loved, happy, and content, he wants to do what he can to be sure I feel the same way, so now with out me even asking, he helps more with the house and kids, and tries to be sure I get whatever time I need for myself. In making him happy I have made us both happier and our relationship better, and all it took was treating him like a man rather than another child or a bother. Also, I have found that the more I have sex, the more I enjoy and want it. I even initiate it more often now.

I would also recommend the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Some of it is a bit outdated, but it really opened my eyes to a lot of things.

Hi S.,
Men need sex to feel loved and appreciated.

Women need to feel loved and appreciated to want sex.

Sigh, it's astonishing the human race didn't cease to exist immediately after it began with a set up like that.

You have a LOT of great input here, I don't have much to add.

You don't say how old you are or how old your kids are but here's where I'm at.

I'm 44 years old. My kids are 18, 16, 13. I am having perimenopausal symptoms, I have also developed a uh, '40 something attitude'. I am tired of DOING EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY AND CONSTANTLY KEEPING MY EGO IN CHECK AND GIVING GIVING GIVING EVEN WHEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT AND WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW IS AN EXCEPTIONAL MAN TO DO FOR ME WHAT I"VE DONE FOR EVERYONE ELSE FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS AND IF I DON'T GET THAT MAN THEN I COULD CARE LESS WHETHER I HAVE SEX EVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!

Ahem, anyway, so yeah, I feel your pain sista!

:)

If he feels like you are depriving him, then you are. I think we have all been there at some point in marriage, for the most part, men want it, and once we have little kids, we don't. Take it from an older lady, who has been there, done that, and don't tell him that he is getting enough, try your hardest to give him what he wants, he wants you because he loves you and it could not be anymore simple than that. It does not matter if we like how they feel about things, telling them to get used to living life the way we think is not going to change the way he feels one little bit. Sex, and sandwhiches. If you are not having sex with him, make him a sandwhich. Soon, if he is getting it as much as he likes, you will see that your work load is less, he is happy, and he would do anything for you because he feels so loved. Men feel love through sex, ask him if this is true. He will never get used to thinking like a woman, he just won't. I can tell you, that since I did this, my life has never been better. The more sex you have, the more sex you want to have, and you are the only naked woman in the room, and he wants you to want him as much as he wants you. Secret of life.

Now that he knows he will have as much as makes him happy, it is never an issue if we go longer than a few days. Makes them feel loved, and secure. You will never know what you are missing if you don't give it a try, but I can tell you that you will get more of the same guilt trip if you don't.

You are totally normal, but so is he. Men are different than we are, and you will get everything you every wanted by making him happy. Really.

Much happiness ahead for you, I hope!
M.

Right now, I'm wishing your husband would give mine some of that drive!

I think you need to talk to him and tell him what you need. Do you need him to do the dishes, put the kids to bed, etc.? Give him specifics, not just "help me out around the house". Let him know that if you could relax a little at night you would be more willing, say twice a week (or your desired schedule). Let him know that your lack of desire isn't a sign of not loving him, but just how tired and overworked you feel.

You just have a lot to do and get all of your affection from your kids so you dont "need" it from hubby. But he needs it from you. Be careful with it, men can easily stray if they don't get it.
There are lots of things we dont feel like doing with our kids but we do it. Hubby needs to get the same attention, but you should try to negotiate a schedule that works for both of you... maybe twice a week, with a smile on your face and not being a mannequin. Honestly you do feel better when you know husband is happy.

Well, uh, S...... you should be shagging your husband morning, noon and night, don't you KNOW this.... lol

Oh sweetheart, you, me and nine million other females on the planet go through this particular phenomenon regularly. Wow, three girls..... that's a tall order (and I have two daughters .....!) And you work full-time as well as serve as the caretaker around the house.... JEEZ...!

I can certainly relate. Your entire soul is being jacked from one extreme to the other, taking care of your daughters while having to deal with grown-up issues in your profession. Why do some men expect so much?

Since you're not looking for any sort of advice, I will offer none here, other than a virtual shoulder for you to cry on.

Take care Mama!

E.

I feel ya sister! I would tell him that you do enjoy sex, when you are in THE MOOD. However, you are rarely in the mood because HE does not help you out. You need to be able to decompress - a couple hours in the evening to relax, where you are not nagged or expected to clean anything.

On those nights, you would be interested in riding him like Seattle Slew, but if you can't get that down time, you will be happy to invest in a toy so he can enjoy himself. :}

I can certainly relate I have two daughters, I have a very demanding career in health-care and do most of the play dates, cleaning, all the laundry, all the cooking, all the hair washing, etc. Then on top of that I have to be reminded how I am falling short because he isn't getting his needs met. It is really upsetting to think that we (Women) have to be all things to all people and just have to suck it up. Sex is not my priority my family and everything that is needed to keep the ship running is and I don't think it's fair that we (Women) have to remember to pick up detergent, milk, schedule the doctor appointments, do spot audits at work and oh yes remember to have sex with my husband so that god forbid he doesn't feel neglected!! Ooh I am getting so angry just writing this! I relate! I relate boy do I relate!

Hi S.
I do relate but make an effort as sex is a natural part of marriage and being in love.
For me it stems from tiredness but once I make the effort I am always glad I did as I love that closeness.
Maybe from his side he could help out a little more.
Best of luck
B.

It sounds like you have a very busy life with your family and health issues. Maybe you can think of sex not just for him but for both of you!! Couples need to have that connection to each other. Give it a try!

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I can only imagine how tired you are. I am a SAHM with a 6 month old...and even that tires me out. I imagine with 3 girls, a full time job, and all the house work to do by yourself, sex is probably the last thing on your agenda. I'd simply reply to him that if he helped you out a little bit more, you might have that extra bit of energy to spend on him at night. :-)
There's nothing wrong with you. You simply have other priorities that you know need your attention first : Your children and your job. However, you might want to let the dishes go and the laundry go once in awhile and spend the night with your husband. He does need your love and attention to. Housework will always be there.

I'm sorry, but sex shouldn't be another chore. It should be fun and relaxing time to bond with your husband. That is how guys connect with us. My husband tells me that it's not just sex for him, it's how we connect and bond and he feels closer to me. I love it when we are able to have time to do it. He works from 2am to 2pm everyday so he goes to bed around 6pm, so we don't get a lot of time to see eachother much. We also have 3 and 5 year old kids. It's never a chore!

I'm a sahm I have hated to have sex since after the birth of our 1st child now we have 3,the last time we did it was weeks before Thanksgiving so ya it's been awhile i'm grumpy so is he but now that he has a new job he is wiped out so am I taking care of what goes on here at home while he is away at work.I don't want to mainly becasue the back of my head I know I don't want to get pregnant again I know my body wouldn't be able to handle it the stress from having another not to mention we don't have health care insurance yet,the pain that is followed by having sex my vagina needs repair from having 3 kids vaginally but he doesn't see my concerns so that turns me off even more.He has mentioned that I never want to have sex this was years ago & it still continues he gets mad upset but what about me he doesn't want to use protection I do can't be on the pill or hormonal Bc's they don't agree with me really don't something permanent at my age.If men showed more concerns for our needs maybe there will be no more arguments & more Loving in the bedroom.So yes I can relate to you your not alone many woman feel the same way,it's like after we become moms we have been robbed of our sexual well being.

I do feel really selfish sometimes. My level of participation and enthusiasm is not the same as it was when we were dating. He pointed that out, but he really didn't have to. I know well enough that I am lazy. We have ups and downs. in our passion, just like in our relationship. It's a constant negotiation. I know it's not fair that I make him beg and expect him to do way more work. Just like it's not fair that I carry a heavier load in other areas. I do the best I can and sometimes really try to lay it on him to make up for the times when I rolled over and ignored him. :)

Oh do I know how you feel... are you overwhelmed? Stressed? generally running on empty? How could you possibly feel like having sex when you feel that way.

Go take some time for yourself and relax. Maybe after taking the time for yourself you can focus more time on your husband. I agree with another Mom, it should never be a chore, but when you are burnt out its hard not to feel that way!

S.,

I have been you, full-time job, kids, all the house work, volunteering at school and clubs, and when I'd go to bed at night I would fall instantly to sleep. Husbands just don't get it and never will. They equate sex with love and if you aren't giving them any you don't love them (according to them). I heard this so much from my husband I thought I would run away (if he really loved ME he would understand all this and help a little) they don't, they are wired differently. I would add sex to my "to-do" list every now and then. I was also told to make time for us, for me, schedule dates, etc, etc, etc,... I suppose this would all work, but it's just another schedule that has to be met, albiet a nicer schedule, but something that still has to be worked into laundry, homework, school meetings, shopping, cleaning, the job... you get my drift. Sorry I sound so crass, this just struck a cord with me, it was so very much my life too. All I can recommend is to try and lighten your load, ask him to help you with some projects (this might tire him out some too!), give him some time when you aren't so exhausted (for me it was Saturday morning before even getting out of bed) and as your kids grow and become less dependent you will see a difference. Although, by the time you reach 50 and the load lightens, menopause sets in, Mother Nature takes away your drive again. :) She is a cruel girl that Mother Nature. However, by then your husband will have slowed down a bit too and you can find harmony if you just hang in through the hard times. Take it from an older woman who has been there, done that. I don't know if this helps but it at least lets you know you are not alone and it doesn't have to mean disaster for your marriage.
It really gets sweeter with time. Hang in there S., life passes much too quickly.

S.

yes! I mean don't get me wrong I love my hubby to death! But yeah it's like if we don't have sex at least every other day then it's like the worst thing in the world for him. I tell him..."you know some couples will go like a week or so without sex so he should count himself lucky." He doesn't ever actually get mad at me or anything but....he's a man and of course would love to have sex whenever he pleases. haha So I can totally relate. But my hubby has been deployed to Iraq sense September and won't be back for a year so.....i get a break right now haha. Although every time he leaves and then gets home it's like he wants to make up for lost time and goes into sex overdrive LOL. So I'll pay for this time off in a year. LOL

Sometimes I feel like this. Especially when I end up getting woken up throughout the night while he continues to snore away. Like tonight... I'm sure my hubby will want some lovin because we didn't last night. Thing is... our son woke me up and kept me up last night so often I feel like a zombie today. If I tell him that I'm not up for it tonight, he'll whine and moan and groan about not doing anything last night and tonight.

I do however, enjoy sex... Really enjoy it with my husband. But I would be fine with once or twice a week. He wants it several times a day... Every day.

Well, you've got a lot going on.

Sounds like you might be taking care of everyone else--besides yourself.

Put yourself back on that list of priorities. Every week, do something for yourself, but yourself.

You just might get back in the mood!

(And I'm going to take my own advice on this O.!)

I feel exactly the same way! I have two boys (both of whom I'm constantly getting negative reports on from school) I also work full-time and do everything around the house (except yard work). My husband works two jobs one part-time and one full-time so this makes things even harder. Lots of times I feel like a single mom except for paying bills which my husband does do. However, paying bills are not everything when there is so much other stuff to do. But, I am lucky that I don't bare that burden alone at least like a single mom.
Our days are long (Similar to most families) we get up at 6:00 am. and I don't usually get to bed until 11:00 P.M. I cook dinner, help the boys with home work, get clothes together for the next day and try to get my daily exercise in before 10:00 p.m. when I finally get to bed I'm exhausted and hubby comes home and will have an attitude if we don't have sex. It's amazing to me because he can never find time for anything but always have time for sex. He says that I get way more sleep then he does. But yet I can wake up in the middle of the night to find his eyes on me waiting and wondering if we are going to have sex.
Last week he woke me out of a deep sleep for it!! Had a attitude with me all the next day because I told him I was tired. Okay, should I be the one angry? Afterall, he woke me up not the other way around.
sorry for the long drawn out post!! Hope you and your husband find a schedule that workds for you both soon.

mine thinks anything less than 3 times a day is deprived. :) I just tell him he has 2 girl friends his right and left make them useful. yes I understand but make sure there isnt something interfering with your sex drive medically

you are not alone. i have two children, both under the age of 5 and i work full time. i do most all with them including getting up at night with potty issues, etc.... i could care less if i ever have sex again. and you are right everything else in the relationship is fine. we have tried counseling. he thought that was a waste of money. right now, i just bump along.