?S About Husbands

Sounds like something that can be and should be addressed. However you need to, try to talk with him (when tempers are cool) to understand what he is upset about or needs. I'm guessing he might just miss you and the couple you used to be. Find a way to get out without the kids.... and yes, men are about sex and sandwiches as someone else said.... Just the way they are. Good luck and take it one step at a time, but don't ignore it. Something is bothering him... and you!

Men are simple. Sex and sandwiches. It you have grown apart, I bet that there is not much sex going on. That is how he shows and knows love, so while you can logically put it on the back burner until the kids get older, that will make your husband very unhappy and he feels unmoved, rejected, and crushed. To top it off, I bet he thinks that when you call to see when hill be home, it is only because you need him to do something, but it makes him mad because he does not get what he needs from you.
You can have a stand off with him, and insist that he be a grown up and get over it, but why in the world would.you want to do that? It is not such a big deal to spend ten minutes every other day to make the love of you life happy, and you will find that he is suddenly respectful, attentive, and knows that you want to know when hill become because you love him, not because you want him to do something for you.

I have been where you are. My wake up call was not my husband saying f you, but saying thatcher had to be sent to war for me to pay any attention to him. I read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. I don't like everythingshe says, but she is right about men and we can stomp our feet and say that they should be different (more like us) but that won't help you.

You will be surprised at his reaction when he just sees you reading it.

I have everything I could ever want in my husband now.

M.

I have seen this type of behavior from men, and I have seen it stem from 2 places. The most common is that he feels you have put him last. Many times when we have children we forget that we are still wives. We are tired, do not feel sexy and start denying sex and closeness to our men. When we start treating them this way, they feel they do not matter and get angry and frustrated, and thus start treating us poorly, making us want sex even less, and the cycle goes round and round until a divorce is is the works. If this sounds possible, than read the book "the proper care and feedings of husbands". Some of it is outdated, but as with anything, you use what works and discard what does not. Since applying some of the principles from this book to my marriage, my husband now showers me with affection, love, and respect, and all I had to do was change the way I related to him as a man, and not forget that he is my husband and has needs:)

The other time I have seen this was when my husband was having his affair a few years ago. It started the same (I was putting him last), but this time he found someone who would put him first. He felt so bad and guilty, that he did not deserve me, so he started doing what he could to push me away. When the truth came out we worked it through. Marriage counseling can work wonders when communication has broken down.

When my hubby gets stressed, he can get nasty. I used to take it personally and get very defensive in response which only made the situations worse. After awhile I realized he didn't honestly think of me in such awful terms. I was just a soft, easy target for letting out his stress. I talked to him and explained to him how damaging what he was saying and doing was on me as a person and on our marriage/relationship as a couple. It has taken some practice and some repeat conversations but it has gotten better. I can tell my hubby works very hard now to avoid being that a-hole I used to complain about. Part of the fix was agreeing to be kinder with each other because at the end of the day it’s the right way to treat your spouse. Without respect and love we wouldn’t be anywhere. On a practical level we have worked on direct phrases like "I'm mad" or "I'm frustrated" or "I'm stressed" which helps the other person know without hurtful words that person needs a moment to collect himself. It's been very hard to let go of some of the things he has said but then I remember what he said was said in anger/frustration. So I can either choose to store a bag of rocks for flinging back at him during an argument or I can let those hurtful things go, accepting we are both human and we both make mistakes. I believe by letting go of the garbage and focusing on the good things keeps our relationship bank in the black. Not meaning I let him get away with talking to me however he chooses but we talk about what bugs us and we work through the natural ups and downs. Good luck and don’t feel discouraged or alone. I figure in serious relationships we all get to see the raw side of our partners. It’s what we do with the reality of our imperfect partners that matters more than the imperfections.

Having kids with no help is difficult on a couple. I completely understand how it feels. My husband and I have gone through similar circumstances. Thankfully, we do have my mother in law that does do quite a bit of babysitting for us when we need a “date night”. Unfortunately, my mother in law LOVES to travel as well, and there has been times when she’s been on vacation for 2-3 months at a time. Having no one else to turn to, it was also either me or my husband if we need to do stuff. You can bring your child everywhere so I understand that.
My advice is for you guys to get a babysitter. If money is an issue, maybe find some friends who also have kids where you guys can do a swap. You’ll take care of your friend’s kids for a night and then they’ll take yours for another night when you and your husband need some rekindle time. I assure you date nights does wonders for your marriage. Even if you guys do absolutely nothing, but sit at home and not have to worry about your kids.
Onto your questions. My husband is a bit of a hothead. I’m not, so when we got into our first few fights, I was really upset and had trouble getting past and over it. So to answer your questions, yes, my husband had definitely been disrespectful to me and cursed at me in the past. I do also know when it’s happening, it’s a fight. He’s upset, and he’s going to say things to make you feel upset as well. Getting past it initially will be hard. But then when you guys have calmed down more, I would tell your husband straight out that you don’t appreciate his language or tone of voice with you, and to really say what’s on his mind. Sometimes, what he’s saying out loud isn’t really what’s on his mind. My husband and I would fight about something, but he’s really feeling something else. It’s important to find out what he’s realllly feeling. One of the reasons can also be just exhaustion. Having kids and raising them isn’t necessarily easy. You end up having to sacrifice a lot of what you had in your life prior to kids. While I still strongly believe it’s all worth it, sometimes when you’re exhausted and tired, it’s hard to see that “big picture”. Remind yourself and him why you guys fell in love with each other, and rekindle that romance once again.
Good luck.

One possibility is that he's projecting his own feelings of inadequacy/insecurity onto you, and interpreting what you're saying as way more negative than you intended (trivial example: when my DH is feeling frustrated with himself b/c the project he's working on is taking longer than he expected, if I ask him in a neutral tone of voice "are you going to be ready for dinner soon?", he hears it as "aren't you finished with that stupid project yet")

I'm not sure if I've worked out any 'solutions' - but if I remember that his negative moments are quite possibly reactions to things I had nothing to do with, it helps me from taking it personally and escalating the situation by attacking back. And I try to remember he can't read my mind so when he does something I appreciate, I tell him (sorta like what we do with our kids - affirm their positive behavior and don't just pay attention when they misbehave ;-))

I've seen this behavior from my ex, before my marriage, and it was always when he was cheating on me, I've said this many times, he cheated on me 4 times with the same woman, so I could tell the signs pretty quickly. However I did everything in my power to try and fix an unfixable relationship, but, unlike you I wasnt married to him, though we were together for 7 years, and I didnt have any kids.
Having said this, I'm not saying he is most definitely having an affair, but these are red flags, and it happens for the reason Jen C. so accurately writes, maybe they feel we've put him last, I would suggest you address these issues right away, specially through counseling, I think that would be the best way to go. Good Luck!!

Just to answer your questions real quick since you already have a lot of responses:
No my husband is very rarely ever disrespectful to me.
My husband has NEVER and will NEVER say f*** you to me
My husband never goes in phases where he treats me nagatively.

Of course we are not perfect and we do argue sometimes (who doesn't?), but he has never said any "bad words" to me, been disrespectful to me, or treated me badly. We have been married for 8 years and are still doing great! It is not normal for any man to treat their wives badly

It can help to have a regular date night. It sounds like you don't have any time to be grownups, alone, together. If you're hesitant to subject anyone to your kids' bedtime routine, hire someone to come after the kids are in bed. The distance between you isn't good and being hurt about his behavior is honest but you need to leave communication open. Go out to dinner and a movie together. He has apologized a couple of times and it sounds like you want to forgive him. Tell him that you accept his apologies. Tell him that he cannot do that again. Tell him that it is important to you that he tell you when he is going to be home so you can manage the dinner planning and the kids' expectations about seeing him before bedtime. Tell him that you miss how you used to be together and you want to get back to that place with him. What you're going through is normal. It is so important with younger kids that you reconnect with each other. make date night a very important priority, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. This is a good book on how to communicate respectfully with people of all ages: "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I know it says it's about kids but it works on everyone.

I am in the same boat as you as far as not having anyone else around for the kids, so we don't really get date nights. When my husband starts snapping at things I say or anything else that seems out of character, I try to ask him what is going on (when the kids are down). Sometimes I get "Nothing". But I don't give up. I will keep asking what is wrong (sometimes to annoyance), and tell him that he isn't acting like himself, did I do something? This usually snaps him out of it enough to tell me that he is dealing with something stressful at work, or he is just over tired, etc. After he talks through it he is usually better, but I do ask him that if he is in a bad mood, just to tell me...Works for about 2 hours. :) The F-You is not normal, and that tells me that something is definitely going on with him. He needs to feel comfortable talking it out with you even if his answer is, I don't know, I'm just feeling really frustrated right now and have no patience. At least then he is talking. Good luck.

My first husband suddenly turned on me in a similar way. He became hyper-critical about everything -- my weight, parenting skills, housekeeping, etc. Turns out, he was having an affair.

I think when husbands cheat, they have to find fault with their wives to placate their guilt and justify their actions.

No, it is not normal behavior, and it is absolutely unacceptable.

...we have grown apart somewhat, and it feels like we're living separate lives."
and
"He's bothered when I call him at work or inquire about when he'll be home, so I've stopped calling him at work and I don't inquire when he'll be home. "

These set off warning bells in my head. In light of those things AND the fact that he is picking fights with you, I say get thee to a marriage counselor and FAST. Look up "signs your spouse is having an affair" and see if you recognize any other signs. I've been there. We have a wonderful relationship that took (and is taking) a long time to heal, so you can get through it if you are both committed, but it's a lot of work. His behavior is NOT normal, and not acceptable. I wish you luck.

You're not alone! My husband has said 'f you to me too! My husband has always been a negative person but when our twins were born, his family who lives nearby (i really hate that!), would be tell him, "poor him, he doesnt sleep, he doesn't eat, blah, blah,blah!" I would tell my husband, "what about ME??, i was the one who carried the twins NOT YOU!" So not poor you, poor me! I would not let him talk to me that way! he hasn't said anything bad to me lately. last time (this past march) was when he got physical and i called 911. i know he got scared, but the strain of the twins, and family, got to us. we went to marriage counseling, he went to anger mgmt. we have been working things out and i did tell him in our sessions how his hurtful words hurt me. we are in our mid 40s and i know men go thru mid life crisis but so do we. My husband is much nicer now, still a bit rough around the edges but doesn't use bad language or critizes me anymore. You must tell him you want to go to marriage counseling together and he will most likely tell you (as mine did) that he doesnt need to go and that theres nothing wrong with him. In that case, you go alone and hopefully he'll follow. Good luck. My family is close and if i need to go there, i do. Our twins are 21 mos and my husband wants me to call him everyday and when i don't he doesn't sweat it. i tell him twins kept me busy, which IS true. Raising two babies at the same time is hard, especially at my age. my husband has always helped me alot with the twins but now is much more patient with them. We do go everywhere together. your husband is probably tired of not doing things together and the kids overwhelm him. Lots of husband don't know how to deal with kids and it gets to them and lash out. That is what my husband was doing! lashing out at me and kids! We recently had my oldest daughter whos 21 and my son whos 17 babysit the twins. My husband and i went to a Gypsy Kings Concert. We also took them to the Circus! I think it's important for families to do things together and as a couple. Good luck!

I would talk to him openly & honestly. Communication is obviously extremely important in a marriage. Tell him how these things make you feel & that it scares you that this is happening. After your discussion, ask yourself to evaluate how he reacted. Was he understanding, apologetic, loving, etc? This is of course what you want! OR, was he defensive, lacking understanding, uncaring, etc. If he reacts like this, that could mean a bigger problem. Just be open, non-argumentative, loving & see what he says. Assuming all is well, you should get a babysitter & have a regular date night. Every couple needs time away from the kids, time to be adults, married, in love, etc. Good luck.

* And yes, I did mention that (asking him if he's want to separate) to him b/c I didn't understand what was going on. I probably shouldn't have mentioned that. But a huge red flag went up for me then, because in the past he's always said he would never leave our marriage and he's said- we're together until death do us part. *

Aren't you the one who asked him this first? I don't understand why a huge red flag would go up with you, if you asked him first?

I think you are over thinking this and probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. If you do suspect he is having an affair, just come out and ask him! Talk to him about it.

Perhaps you are putting too much time in, volunteering at church and you don't realize that maybe you have neglected him a bit. Always a possibility...we, women aren't perfect either! Also too, he may be embarassed of you for some reason and not want to bring you to his work place. Hope not, bu just a thought.

Seriously though, you need to have a heart to heart conversation with him and get everything out in the open. It's not good to hold things in.

OK, it's normal for there to be ups and downs in a marriage but that doesn't mean it should be ignored. Something is definitely going on but only he knows what that something is. You're going to have to sit down and tell him what you told us and straight out ask him, "whats going on?". Don't be mad or anything obviously. Just be honest and tell him you're hurt and confused and concerned about where this is headed. Hopefully it'll open up the communication which is what you need. Good luck...

haha Wow Workinmom you totally stole the words out of my mouth *or hands really*

My Hubby does the same thing!
Granted he has NEVER said F'you to me, or called me any names in anger. But i know how you feel. I live over 400miles from any of MY family. Don't have any friends out here, and only really have my son & Hubby.
When it happens with my hubby, i straight out say "what the heck is going on with you" And with some "buggin" he tells me
and it usually is stress or lack of sleep, etc.

New friends? New job? Stressful job? Preoccupied? What has changed? My husband goes through these phases, however, he is an alcoholic, therefore, I just remind him to go to his meeting. He usually comes back refreshed. His job is rather stressful and can bring that negativity in the home at times.

Otherwise, whatever other extra curricular activities, if any, will eventually surface. They always do.

Maybe he's really stressed at work and is taking it out on you. My husband has taken his frustration out on me (and I've done it to him). I think you should let him know that it hurt your feelings when he said F You. Have you asked him if he has something going on that he wants to talk about? If not, Maybe he's frustrated that you haven't asked him.
We have three kids so it's hard to get time alone but one thing we do is watch movies together after the kids are in bed. We snuggle up together on the couch (not every movie but most), get a bottle of wine. I bought a CD for me & my husband to listen to together, His Needs/Her Needs. They have the book also but I thought with our busy schedule it would be easier to get the CD. My husband downloaded it on his Ipod and listens to it when he's on the treadmill. He appreciates me much more since listening to the CD. Good luck!

Okay, something is going on with your husband and it shouldn't be ignored. My first thought would be whether maybe something that you may have said or done to him in the past (whether there's a reasonable excuse for it or not) has not been resolved and is now festering within him. I've seen many of relationships crash and burn for this exact reason. Marriage counseling would definitely help the two of you get to the root of the problem in a safe environment, in front of a neutral 3rd person.

If it is not a case of festering hurt feelings, then I would look to what's going on in his world that you may not be privy to right now. Maybe depression is an issue. Maybe there are troubles and frustration at work that he hasn't shared with you. Maybe he's not owning up to some stuff that he knows he should be doesn't want to. Whatever the case is, I definitely think marriage counseling will help the two of you to flesh what every his (and your) issues out and hopefully give you better communications skills going forward.

Hope you are able to get this resolved soon.

Hey it sounds like you two have just grown apart and need to rekindle your relationship! You should get a sitter for a night and go on a quiet date (or just get a hotel room hehe). Me and my hubby have been there. I think most relationships go through slumps like this. maybe I'm wrong but I know ours has. We just got so far apart from each other, my hubby started doing stuff he never had before, I started wondering why I was even married if I was going to have to act like a single parent.... One night it just exploded! I mean total big fight explosion. And then we realized what the heck happened to us? So we agreed and promised to be kinder to each other and just in general love each other again. Now I feel like my answer is just blabbering lol. If you wanna talk more you should message me! You guys will for sure get through it, you just need to talk and have some time to yourself. Talk to him!! Make him talk to you

i was going to give you advise but then realised that i am having almost the same problem so who am i to give advise. we do have people who will babysit though so we can get away just the two of us. when its just us we get along very well and realise how much we love each other. its hard because he works a lot and isnt home much during the week. i have been thinking of counsling. he is so negatitive. in a lot of ways we are so different, but other ways the same, lately though i think there are more differences. i am a stay at home mom of 4 and he comes home and i need a break and he just wants to sleep and we argue. we do make love as much as possible and that seems to help also cause how can we be mad at each other after that. sometimes we can feel the close bond like we are one and other times he feels far away like an alien or something. it scares me. i couldnt imigine life without him. even when i am mad at him. maybe advertise for a babysitter and try to find a good one you both trust so you can get away together. is it an option to send the kids w family for a few days so you can go away and see what happens. have you talked to him about it? maybe show him your post. if you havnt you need to calmly sit down and tell him how you feel, and not when you are fighting and both angry. good luck

Well, since you asked, I'll tell you my first thought. He may be picking fights because he's looking to end the relationship. I know this is extreme or may seem to be, but this happened to a friend of mine. He was having an affair, in love with the other woman and wasn't man enough to just tell her. So he started picking fights about every little thing. It got to the point that SHE said she was tired of it and wanted to end it...he said OK. Just like that, like he was WAITING for her to bring it up first then he jumped on it as a way out. Very sad. I don't know that this is happening to you, but I have never had a boyfriend, let alone a husband talk to me like that. I had a serious boyfriend once call me the B word and I immediately ended the relationship. I'm just not tollerant of that. I'm sorry you are going thru this, maybe just sit him down and tell him what he's doing to your relationship and ask him what's going on with him. But be ready for the response you may get! Good luck to you!!!

I don't know if he is having an affair yet, but could be close to having one. I personally think you should come right out and ask him. Tell him to be completely honest when he answers and not to be fearful of your reaction. Now you need to ask yourself some pointed questions: if he is are you willing to forgive him if he wants to work on your marriage? Think long and hard before you answer this and be honest with yourself.

Call your local high school and see if they can give you a list of baby sitters and you and your husband have date night at least once a month, but once a week would be better. It doesn't have to be anything expensive. Just taking a walk or going out for a drink, just to start getting to know each other again. Make ground rules for the first couple of dates: no hot topics. Make some short and long term goals, make family ones and individual personal ones and write them down and revisit them once and awhile. Maybe back off the church volunteering a little, pick the ones that really benefit you and the kids and let the other topics go to someone else. As for getting things done with either of you having the kids, maybe make them family affairs. I don't know how many kids you have but I have 3 boys. I know how crazy it gets trying to get things done and having the kids around. Good luck and keep us posted. I do hope the best for you and your family.

G.