I have 2 children that are going to college. I am remarried and so is my Ex husband and we both make a medium class living. The problem is my children seem to have no problem asking myself and my husband their stepfather to pay for things like contact lenses/eye glasses, school payments and anything else under that category or necessities. We have NO PROBLEM paying for these things as they are good children and are attending school with good grades. The issue is that my Ex husband expects us (my husband & I) to pay and tells the kids that he will pay me back and doesn't pay.
My Ex husband doesn't take my calls, texts or e-mails when I ask when I will receive the money back, so for a while my husband was speaking with him, but now he won't even take his calls. My children have told me that we can pay for it so I should not have a problem with it, we disagree, we believe that he and his wife make a nice living like we do and it should be split evenly.
Any advice of how to handle getting the money owed which is over $1,000 from my EX and continued $ even for the monthly payment of their health insurance which is mandatory at their colleges!
I have explained this situation out of desperation to my oldest child and explained that we thought it would be a good idea to have their father pay the next bills that come up instead of paying me back, he didn't want to get involved but thought that was very selfish of us. Since both of my children are above 18 my divorce agreement doesn't mean anything anymore.
Any ideas or advice???
I agree with the momma below who said to pay 50% of the cost and have kiddo do the legwork for the rest. Either Dad pays, or kid pays, but you don't.
And don't fall into that "I don't want to get in the middle" nonsense. They're adults now. It's not that they don't want to get in the middle, they just don't want to have to ask for the money. Since that money is for THEM, THEY should be doing the asking.
He has no legal responsibility since the kids are over 18.
I would think he would feel an obligation to them since he's their father though.
Next time they ask for something tell them you don't have the money and they'll have to ask their dad. Do this every time from now on. They are using you because they know you can't say no.
When they see he's a jerk maybe they'll see him for what he is.
Updated
He has no legal responsibility since the kids are over 18.
I would think he would feel an obligation to them since he's their father though.
Next time they ask for something tell them you don't have the money and they'll have to ask their dad. Do this every time from now on. They are using you because they know you can't say no.
When they see he's a jerk maybe they'll see him for what he is.
Pay for the things you want to pay for. What your ex decides to pay for is his business.
If you don't want to buy something for your (technically adult) children, then don't do it. What your ex does is irrelevant. I pay for a few things for my college-age children, but other than that they support themselves. What other relatives choose to give them or not is completely irrelevant to what I choose to provide.
Obviously you can no longer front money for your ex. There is probably no way to get him to pay you back, if he won't even return your calls.
My first thought was you're doing this for your children and if ex repays or not is between the two of you and doesn't concern the children. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and do what you know is right, even if the other parent is a jerk.
However, toward the end of your post I got the impression that your kids are a bit callous about the situation. Given their attitudes, I would simply tell them that since it is no big deal, their dad can pay. If he doesn't, they will go without. You are no longer obligated to pay for anything for them and they need to start understanding that whatever they get now, is a gift and you don't give gifts to ungrateful people. So, call you selfish all day long, that's the bottom line. Now they can go talk to their father and they can whine and complain to him because you are not going to listen to it.
Tough love, mama!
If something costs $100, give them $50 and tell them to go to their dad or figure it out. This is what I had to do with my daughter.
As for the health insurance, that does NOT sound right. My daughter just graduated college and as long as we could prove we had health insurance on her, we did NOT have to pay the school for theirs. Check into this, it sounds like a scam you got sucked in to.
Consider taking him back to court to get it all spelled out. For my daughter the Judge had it split 3 ways; me, my daughter, and my ex.
If you want to pay for things for your adult kids that's your business.
Your ex feels he is done and as far as the courts are concerned he is.
Your expectation that he cover a percentage of what you pay is out of line.
If you don't want to pay for these things then tell your kids 'No'.
Stop pestering your ex.
He's obviously not interested in your perspective or point of view.
He tells the kids what they want to hear although he should probably just tell them up front 'No' and be honest about his intentions.
Pay for what YOU feel comfortable paying for and tell your kids to ask their dad directly for the rest.
They are in college now, technically adults, this should be between you and them, or them and their dad.
Our college kids are still on our health insurance, so that's covered, and they get a FIXED allowance. Anything else is personally given or not, at our INDIVIDUAL discretion.
Does your divorce/custody decree go into college responsibilities and expectations?
Not the exact situation at my house (my son would never demand that I pay for something instead of his dad, my ex), but what has been enlightening is my son working, making his own money, buying his own car and car insurance.
He now understands just how much all these things of daily life cost, and he's appreciative. He's grateful. He's always been an obedient and sweet kid, but he gets it even more now.
So if I were you I'd stop doing so much for these kids financially. It sounds like they have an entitled mentality which is not good for THEM in the long run. Yes, it is hard to let them be fully functioning adults. But ultimately it's best for them. It will allow them to connect the dots a bit better.
Good luck.
I'm sorry, but you and your husband are pushovers to your children. This isn't about divorce decrees or agreements. This is about your children being incredibly manipulative AND self-centered.
You need to tell them that the only thing that you will be paying is for their health insurance during their 4 years of undergrad. You will not be paying for anything else. Do not mention the divorce decree. Tell them to take it up with their father who continually lies to them and will not speak to you.
They might say all kinds of nasty stuff to you. Tell them that you aren't going to be manipulated by them or their father anymore, and again, to take it up with their father, and walk away. At the point that he actually does pay their bills, THEN you can decide if you are willing to start pitching in.
You need to tell your kids that the poor behavior they are displaying is only going to hurt them in their lives. They need to act responsible. They need to act decently. They need to go get a part time job if they don't have enough money to live off of. They will not get a dime from people by calling them selfish. If you keep letting them do this, mom, all you are doing is telling them that treating people like dirt is okay. BE the parent - show them that acting this way gets them nothing.
Stop the drama and stop trying to get your "ex" to respond to you. Give your children what you want to and can afford. They can ask their father for things if they want to but that is up to them. He is under no obligation to pay you back for what you have given to your children.
Just because they're 18 doesn't mean the divorce decree doesn't apply anymore, unless you didn't think ahead and have a crappy decree that doesn't account for college. If you didn't factor college into the decree, go back to court for a modification.
If your children are in college and you are claiming them as dependents on your taxes, you and your ex should be responsible for their healthcare and education. With health insurance now able to cover adult children to age 26, make sure your modification addresses who will keep them on insurance if your kids don't have it through their employers after they graduate.
Basically right now if your decree didn't spell this out, your ex doesn't owe you anything. Get back to court, deal with your ex, and leave your kids out of this. Don't penalize them because you didn't plan ahead.
FWIW, we have custody of both my oldest son and step-daughter - both teenagers - and get no child support or help from either of their absentee biological parents. They cover none of their expenses and will contribute nothing to their education. It's especially frustrating because when my SD lived with her mother, we paid child support, medical & dental insurance, co-pays, glasses, haircuts, clothes, school supplies, etc. and she doesn't even call or visit, never mind pay us. I understand your frustration and that it feels unfair (it is unfair) but your kids don't need to be in the middle. Just be content in knowing that you're the better parent. Go to court to make his continued responsibilities a legal matter that can be enforced.
You shouldn't be putting your children in the middle. They shouldn't have to know that you and the father can't agree. This is a problem for the parents.
What is in your divorce decree? if it's that you split their cost 50/50 until they finish college and he's not holding up his end of the bargain, get your lawyer involved and take him back to court.
If your divorce decree/child support ended once the kids turned 18, regardless of whether they were full time students, then it is up to each of you - you and your ex - what you wish to provide for your adult children who are college students. Give your children what you want to and what you can afford. Do not split bills with your ex. you are not coparenting anymore, you are divorced. It's fine to tell the kiddults that you'll pay for their glasses/contact lenses but not their college textbooks, for example, and let them ask father for the money for the things that you wil not cover, and he can pay them or not, but he does not "owe" you this money and you cannot split bills with someone with whom you have no legal agreement.
You are the one who should not be in the middle.
While I am not divorced, I do have a college freshman this year. I was clear with her well ahead of time about what we were going to pay for, and what we expected her to be able to cover herself, financially
Good luck
I want to thank everyone who has replied so far and answer a few concerns.
1. Both my sons have jobs (one even has 2).
2. The college only takes 3 health insurance companies or you need to buy from the school, we have 1 of those 3 so we cannot change insurance anytime soon.
I would think contacts and eye glasses would be covered by insurance. Mine are, and what I have to pay out of pocket is not much at all. If your kids work, they should be able to pay for these things. Do their jobs offer insurance? If so, their premiums should not be that high that they cannot cover them. I was paying for my own health insurance and when I saved up enough money, I leased my own car, made my own payments, paid my gas, clothes, and car insurance. My parents bought the groceries at their house and I did not have to pay them rent, but other than that, I paid for my own expenses, including college tuition. Otherwise, unfortunately, unless there's a court agreement, it will be hard to get your ex to reimburse you. I like someone's suggestion that said they should ask their dad personally for part of the $, so if something is $50, you give them $25 and tell them to ask dad for the rest. My co-worker does this with her college-age daughters and it hasn't affected their feelings for their dad nor do they feel they have been put "in the middle" of anything, they realize that's what is fair. They're old enough to understand at that point that parenting and the expenses behind it should be a shared responsibility. Besides, how many kids would ask mom if they could go to a party and if she said no, they'd ask dad hoping he'd say yes? It has nothing to do with creating drama, and everything to do with the kids trying to get what they need from BOTH their parents.
If you have a court order giving this responsibility to their father I would consider going back to court. If you don't have a court order but can show that he's agreed to this arrangement I'd consider taking him to small claims.
Of course your children feel this way. You've put them in the middle. They don't want to alienate their father. I suggest that you do not ask for their opinion and when they want to talk about it you tell them it's between you and their father. I.e. it's none of their business.
I suggest that they may see your attitude as selfish because you aren't considering their feelings. I would sympathize with them while telling them that you will handle this. And I would continue to pay. It isn't fair to penalize them for their father's bad behaviour. You chose to father children with him. They had no choice then and no power now.
What does your divorce decree say? In my decree all of this is spelled out. If he doesn't comply I just take him to court. Hasn't happened yet though.
