A First-time Grandmothers Un-spoken Battle with Experience About the New Baby!

You know how everyone is with the new little babies. Everyone want to hold them and parents are over protective of them. My sister just had her first baby, did me the same way and I have 2 kids. My youngest is only 12 months old. When they did things like that, I just told them, "I know", I have"" it," Im not gonna let anything happen to him or you dont have to tell me, I know". In about 2 months everything will be fine because Livy wont be a newby anymore. So everyone wont be so overprotective.

I think and eye roll and a sarcastic, "Yeah, and raising three kids gives me NO experience." When daughter starts correcting her, a simple, "Honey I HAVE done this before." would probably work. Keep up those subtle hints and they will finally get it.

remember,the parents are overly cautious because they are first time parents. I remember when my older brother had his first child. I got up in the middle of the night to help feed him since he was bottle fed. I was a first time aunt also. My brother got upset when he got up to find me trying to help. I told him to go to sleep,I could help out. He got all nasty with me. I had helped my best friend raise her two boys which included feeding them and changing nasty diapers. I did voice to him later that I did not think he was fair and I was happy to help. By the time they stop getting sleep,I think they will calm down. Say what you said in the post here and tell them to get over it that you are the grandmother and know how to care for a newborn.

Relax Grandma...if I am reading this correctly...Bonnie is the Aunt...not the Mom...and she is just using the knowledge and skills that she used everyday for 16 years as an OB nurse...she is probably used to telling the new Momma's and Daddy's in the NICU how to hold the baby, hold the bottle etc...and is just doing it automatically.
Don't take it personally..and since it sounds like Mom and Dad are perfectly ok with the way you are doing things with their little bundle...I wouldn't waste time and energy being hurt and upset.
If you want to..have a sweet smile and a comment ready for the next time "Thank you Bonnie how EVER did I manage when you were a baby?? "....then just go on with the joy of loving on that grandbaby!!
Congratulations ...being a Grandma is the BEST job in the whole wide world!!!

I think you are taking Bonnie's comments too personally. I think her life experience is valid, even though she has no kids of her own. Having your own kids is not a qualifier of any kind, in my opinion. I do think that her experience makes an expert in infant care, and she does deserve that acknowledgment for her work and education, but I do understand it does not make her an expert with this particular baby:) I think that perhaps Bonnie is just trying to contribute what she knows because she is excited about the baby too. I would just take it as her trying to be helpful and leave it at that. Good luck!

And as a sidebar...I always hear about people discounting degrees and education. I just want to say that I have an education and personal parental experience...and I value both just as equally. They are both positive attributes, and I really dislike it when others discount all the hard work that goes into attaining a degree.

I think hubby was proud of Bonnie, and that no reflection of your abilities with children (good or bad) was intended. As the matriarch I hope you are proud of Bonnie's achievements also, and that you carry on with your excellent care of your new grand baby with pleasure.

Let it go. I know that is not the answer you're looking for but everyone is excited/nervous to have a baby in the house and making adjustments. Just keep doing your thing and everyone will see you are competent. good luck!

I'm confused. Is the O.B. nurse the mom? I'm thinking the OB nurse is the older sister and not the mom. Was it the husband of the OB the one who made the comment.

I suggest,also, the the comment was not a comment on your abilities but a comment made by a proud husband showing his support of his wife.

As to the OB nurse's comments, she's used to being in charge. She also wants to be a part of this new baby's life. Perhaps you could talk with her about the way you feel and she would back off.

Becoming a first time grandma is a new role which requires adjustments for everyone. It sounds to me that the parents trust you and are not concerned that you don't know what to do. It sounds like the OB nurse husband was just making a comment, not meaning it to sound critical or not acknowledging your experience. Because this role is new to you, I suggest that you're naturally a bit sensitive. You've heard the stories about how grandma's experiences aren't accepted and feel that this will happen to you.

I"m a new grandma for the 3rd time. My daughter and I had difficulty with our relationship with the first grandchild. She told me a couple of weeks ago that I was holding the bottle wrong and I realized that I was. We do forget over time. If, and I'm sure it must've, this had happened with my first grandchild I would've been defensive. Now I'm confident enough in my own abilities and have had time to work out the new relationship of mother to a mother and grandchild that it didn't bother me at all. You'll reach that point.

I suggest several deep breaths when this sort of comment arises and remind yourself that you know that you know how to take care of a baby and ignore the comment if you're doing OK. Listen for ideas, tho. Parenting is different now. Medical science knows new things that are quite helpful. Listening and trying them does not mean you don't know what to do. In fact it takes confidence to be able to listen and accept or graciously decline comments such as this.

Well, perhaps Bonnie is just trying to solidify her importance in the family. She's probably a little jealous of the attention her sister is getting with the new baby and wants to be needed as well. Perhaps she's aching for a baby of her own. Yes, nothing makes up for life experience, IMO, but she is a 16year nurse in the O.B. so she knows her stuff as well. These are both your daughters, you are their mom, I would give a little extra understanding to Bonnie. Now, if she gets disrespectful, then drop a little comment like "you know I raised 3 pretty amazing kids myself, don't you?"

The fact that Bonnie's husband made that comment shows it has been talked about, probably at length, in their private time together. I would continue doing what you're doing while making sure to include Bonnie in the caretaking as well. Does it really matter who gives advice? Just enjoy the new dynamic of your family.

Just relax. You are the Grandmother. Your granddaughters mom will soon realize that you DO know more than her sister whom has never had a child does. Be patient, let the remark roll of your back, and let your experience pave the way.
(Whenever there is a nurse in the family everyone tends to turn to her/him for advice.... it's just the whole "nurse" title commanding that respect).
Transitioning into the grandmother roll can be kinda ticklish. Your kids are seeing first hand how they must have been handled when they were babies, it's a fascinating place to be.
Be patient, listen to your grandchilds parents, and smile. Most of all, love on the grandbaby every chance you get. They are SO special :)

Its not personal.
Don't take it personally.
They are first time parents, that is her baby girl, and yes, she does get to have a say in things.

I also told my Mom, to wash hands before, how to hold my babies, what their cries/noises meant, what my kids as babies needed etc.
It was not personal against my Mom.
It was ME... as my kids' Mom, speaking.
I knew, my kids.
Even if I was a first time Mom, at first.
I KNEW my baby girl. (she was my first baby).

It does not matter, if they have never had children before.
This is their privilege... to be that Mom or Dad, they always dreamed of, before their baby was born.

Also, it is all in how you preface or say things/tips/advice to them, too.
But no matter what... it is the Mom/Dad, that have the last say, on anything to do with their baby or with their family traditions.
They have their 'own' nuclear family... to create too. This is their privilege.
To have and create their child, and to create their family, as they feel. They now have their own family and child.
Every family/parent, is separate.. yet, family. And a Grandparent is extra special. Yes. Of course.
But... really, don't take those comments personally.
It is not personal.
It is not.

Her Husband seems real proud of his Wife and as a Mom. That is really great. And him stating it, in front of others, to me means he is giving his Wife a compliment... to show her that he is proud of her.
That is nice. See it as such. It is not personal, against you.

You are the Grandparent. And there will be many many other instances, of them saying to you/others, what to do with their baby. This is normal. It is not personal against you.
They do not seem at all rude to you.
They already said they trust you and you all seem like a close family.
So be proud.
But heed to them because as you said, yes, they are the parents.

My kids are 4 and 8. I still, let my Mom know about my kids and what their routines are and what the rules are or not. And to wash hands too.
Sure. I'm a Mom. Moms do that. We can't help it. ;)

Don't worry.
You are Grandma and trusted and loved.
Don't take their comments personally.
They need to... be able to feel 'free' in letting you know, how it goes with their child. Its okay.
They do not at all seem 'mean' to you. They include you.

Congratulations. I love being a grandmother and you do too. Bonnie is an expert with newborns. She doesn't know a blasted thing about raising children. Her expertise is time limited. A three month old is beyond her. Make sure to tell her and her husband you seem to have done a really good job raising your daughters and you haven't forgotten a thing.
Now to be honest it's hard not to instruct our children so I always preface my remarks by saying you can decide whether or not to do this. Then I make my suggestion.
I do tell my daughters they are doing a good job as mothers not to compliment them but because it is true. And, it is the best vote of confidence to hear that from your mother.

Thank goodness you kept your mouth shut. and that is the advice i would continue to give you.

I"m sure this issue isn't a new one, i'm betting you have had your feeling hurt by Bonnie before. I almost thought for a minute that maybe she was a step child or something, but you didn't specify so maybe not. She's just a bit insensitive and bossy. And as her mama, you know her, you would know if she was hurting inside because she was infertile or maybe regretting choosing not to have children of her own, or even just jealous of her little sister, if the retirement is recent is she having a hard time dealing with not having a "life" purpose any more??? Show her some kindness.

One comment i haven't seen, is that Medical opinions on childcare change ALL THE TIME. Sure you raised your kids and they survived, but if you embrace the new guidelines, like puttign the baby on their back to sleep, etc you'll make everyone happier and they will be more willing to allow you to care for the baby. my MIL refused and we refused to allow her to disrepect my wishes, no more baby visits. Follow the new mom and dad's wishes on that.

Ummm, she worked an OB floor so she gets to work with babies that leave (if all goes well) within... 24 hours?... after being born. Hoes does that make her an expert for a 2 month old? If Bonnie start telling you support the head, just look at her and say "the baby is X months old, not X hours..." but I am rather blunt.

Your oldest is jealous. She never had children and now her little sister has one... and she wants to help raise the baby.

Just let this go b/c it's not about you and your ability to care for a baby. It's about the fact that she has dedicated her life to bringing healthy babies into the world and now one has arrived in her family! She needs to feel like the "expert" and get some attention for that role.

Why is she there all the time when the baby is with you? I would give it a little bit of time and make a point of spending time with the baby and her parents without the meddling aunt around!

Congratulations!

Being an OB nurse and being a grandmother involve two completely separate skill sets and knowledge bases. Be proud that your daughter (the nurse) is so well-trained and up-to-date on the latest in baby care and is not so burnt out on handling babies she still wants to be involved with her niece. Don't allow an off-hand comment by your son-in-law create hurt feelings on your part toward either of your daughters. Now if this is a case of your daughters never showing appreciation for you as a mother and you expected that to change now that you're a grandmother...... that's a different story.

First, let me say that I'm sorry these comments are hurting you. You are excited to be a new grandma, and this seems to have taken some of the luster off of this golden moment for you.

This said, I wonder if the best way to 'handle it' would be to acknowledge your feelings to yourself and try to make some temporary peace with it.

Sheila Kitzinger, an anthropologist who has extensively studied women's experiences of pregnancy and birth, points out in more than one of her books that the time after the new baby arrives is an adjustment for the *whole* family, and that means the mother's family of origin. It's very unique, because the birthing mother is reinforcing the family ties as well as trying to separate, wanting to do things "her way" (or the way she thinks best). This doesn't have to default into "Grandma's way is wrong", but I'm sure it looks and feels that way to you.

And personally, I wouldn't read any more into it than that. *Growing pains.*

As for how to handle it, if it were me, I'd wait until everyone's within earshot and just take a mellow moment to acknowledge that things *have* changed since you had kids-- could Bonnie make a list of things which are important for right now, and you can post them on a cupboard or have it to refer to? I have to be honest-- in that situation, I'd feel slighted too. Nonetheless, offering to seek knowledge through "the expert" makes you a willing participant in the new family that's formed.

Of course, you did do a great job raising up your girls, that they care about the baby so much. I just wonder at how much you have to "handle" this. My guess is simply this: at some point, the new parents are going to want to start doing things their own way (once they catch up on sleep and get back on their feet-- as things normalize, so to speak). At some point, they will take back their own "expert on the baby" status and then, the conflict might (not guaranteed) arise between your daughters. My advice would be this: share your disappointment with a peer who is supportive, and let the girls work this one out with each other when the time comes. New parents are often inundated with stern warnings at the hospital, and everything seems to have impressive import, so it's natural that they are so enamored with Bonnie's way of thinking. Sometime, however, they are going to want to 'do it their way' and Bonnie will likely be told to back off a bit. Be the matriarch, the glue, that holds your girls together, and let the mother of your granddaughter go about figuring some of this out/making new boundaries on her own.

Good luck... I wish some of my family was as interested in my son as you are in your granddaughter!:)

Hi C.,

You sound like an awesome, very caring grandmother. These grandchildren are so lucky to have you in their lives and you will always hold a special place in their hearts.

Try not to let the comments hurt you and just let them roll off your back. She sounds like she's just trying to micromanage the situation and being an overprotective sister. Keep in mind that Bonnie won't be there 24-7 while the baby is in your care and that the baby surely won't perish in your care either, so just grin and bear it and move on.

Congrat's Grandma,

Don't listen to them.
You are doing a great job.
The next time anyone says anything, just say,
" Thank you for the advice, remember that I raised 3 of my own and I still know how to do it."
Then smile.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad.

Let it roll right down your back.

Enjoy your new grand baby.

God Bless.

Perhaps Bonnie isn't ready for retirement and should still be working an OB floor.
Is Bonnie living with you or does she have her own place?
I'm not sure why the aunt is (always?) there when your other daughter visits with your grandchild.
She's an aunt and I'm sure she's an expert, but giving advice when it's not asked for is rude (at any age) and if she keeps it up someone's going to have to tell her gently to butt out.

Just being over protective but remember that is a good thing you raised 3 already now it is their turn

You should just look at them with your best "mom look" the next time one of them (or Bonnie) says anything and remind them that you raised three kids -including Bonnie before she was an expert- and that ypu're pretty darn sure you have a handle on the situation. Let them know if there is a physical/medical issue while baby is an infant, you'll be happy to inquire with Bonnie. If Bonnie gets on a high horse, remind her that you know she knows a lot about newborn wellness and medical care, but until she's raised her own-she doesn't know half of what she thinks she does -and you should know since you raised her without killing her.

Awe, try very hard not to be hurt by your son in laws statement. He's a new parent, along with your daughter. New parents are always kind of trying to find their way. They tend to be overprotective and the need to feel they are doing what is best for the baby. I will bet your daughter will come to you for help when the time is right. If not just enjoy being Grandma and doing what you do. Try like you have so far, to sit back and wait for them to come to you. Because I just feel in my gut they will come to you. And have fun spoiling that new grand baby. Good luck!

It is a new generation out there. There are rules for everything, therefore,
new Moms and Dads do not feel like we can do the job since we had our
children 30 plus years ago. Hopefully as time goes on they will realize that
you do know how to care for a baby!!!!! Thank goodness I have an easy
going DIL. Have fun with Livy. It will get better.

Oh, you poor thing! I am so hurt for you! Just because she is an OB nurse, doesn't mean she knows everything! She isn't a mother,so she can't posibly understand a mother's love or a mother's INSTINCTS! You have a wealth of info that you could share with the new parents. I would tell your family to quit acting like you haven't raised your own children--how did they get here? :) Let the new parents settle in and offer advice if they ask. GL

M

I don't think the other posters read the question. I am taking it that Mommy is ok its sister that is being a bit bossy. So you are not being a pushy grandma.
It makes me laugh at how many people think they know how to raise kids before they have them. I don't care how many degrees a person has, nothing beats trial by fire and its easy to work with a baby that isn't yours(no hormones involved) and you get to go home to sleep a full nights rest. Nothing beats experience of having your own. I don't know your family but most likely it is new baby thing where everyone wants to help. As for your daughter Bonnie when she reminds you how to handle the baby remind her that she made it alive to adulthood in much more barbaric times so you should be able the handle taking care of your grandbaby. Then just smile and try not to let it bug you too much. As that her mother is fine with you I wouldn't worry. Congratulations in becoming a proud grandma and to your daughter in son in law.

Just say thank you dear, what great advice, and I, as a seasoned mother I just might know at thing or two. I am sure she means well, and to her "it's her thing", and I have found that OB nurses can be a have a bit of power issues, but I think it is more anxiety.

Good luck, you sounds like a sweetie.

I can see how that could be really aggravating. With my first son, I had never even changed a diaper, let alone anything else....took every class available (3 hospital classes, several at Babies R Us, we both read like 5 books during the pregnancy), but I was pretty scared when he was early and in the NICU. Not only did I have to practice this new "knowledge" in "real life" but had to navigate the cords and wires and monitors on a baby that was actually a little smaller than the dolls in our hospital class.....THANK GOD for those nurses and their patience and help! They walked me through things because I was scared I would hurt him or pull off a wire or something. And like with all other jobs, sometimes it's hard to take off the nurse hat and just be the aunt when a newborn is around. My mom wasn't with me when my first son came home, but when my second son came home she wanted to tell me everything (it's too cold in the house, that blanket might be too warm, does he need to sleep so much, oh let him go to sleep, I think you should change the diaper like this instead, etc) and it kinda annoyed me but I just said "Mom, I did a great job with Joe and he's only 3, and have my own childcare now, so I am good with what to do, but thanks". She realized she was talking too much and laughed. But it was ok to have everyone interested, concerned, and involved with the baby. The alternative would be very sad. Don't sweat it. It's just what happens when everyone wants their hand in it......because they really care.

You'll just have to grin and bear it. Talking won't solve anything because she'll still think she's "right". It's amazing what everybody "knows" before they actually have children.

Congrats on your new granddaughter! So, the daughter and son in law who are saying this are not the baby's parents? First, perhaps the baby can visit you when aunt and uncle are not there? I would remind them if they make a comment again that you are not a child and not feeble either, that you know the ins and outs of baby care as you raised three children. An OB nurse knows medical care of babies 4 days and under, not how to care for babies all day at home. You are right that the experts are her parents, and any special instructions should come from them. Really in this case, I think a snide comment is in order. I can't believe the nerve of your son in law, to think that you'd need to ask your childless daughter for baby care tips.

Personally, I think you should just continue to bite your tongue.

If push comes to shove, you can alsways say something along the lines of "Well, I seem to have raised 3 bright children all by myself, haven't I!?" I'm sure it's nice to ahve a *nurse* around, but unless there is a high fever, gushing blood, etc involved, I really think a grandma knows best!

Oh, it doesn't matter. Just wash your hands and adjust the bottle and play with the baby.

What a fortunate child that new little one is! She has parents who are smart enough to listen to Gramma, a caring aunt with technical knowledge and expertise AND a smart, knowledgeable, and LOVING grandmother! What could be better?

As for your nurse/daughter, try & let it slide. As long as she doesn't interfere, who cares? I have 2 sisters in health care. Sometimes, to listen to them, you'd think it was a miracle that anyone survived without one of them around to tell us all exactly what to do. My husband and I gently joke to each other about how the MUST be right because they "save lives for a living." (Imagine sarcastic but loving smile).

Continue to celebrate this new family and this new child. Enjoy the divil out of that little one -- and just let the new auntie prattle along.

BTW -- As a grandmother twice over myself, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Ignore them. The older ways are the best ways. Make sure you let the baby nap at your house on belly. PLenty of tummy time while awake so she doesn't get a flat head like every kid out there these days. Parents today and their doctors know nothing. Keep on keepin on. GO GRANDMA!

And to tell you the truth..if she is such an expert, why isn't she breasfeeding her baby????

have confidence in your own abilities, and yes, remember that big sister is used to handling newborns, not 2 month olds. might remind her of that if she persists in acting so pushy. YOU know what you are doing, as well. she is used to dealing with brand new babies and brand new parents. i think you (and the baby's momma and daddy) are a bit past needing her help. maybe make a joke about it, "yes, i figured that out a couple of months ago. did you know she can hold her own head up now?" and smile. or remind her how SHE was at this age. always with love. she means well. she is probably trying to assert herself because this is something she knows something about (even though she really doesn't, not having been a mother - but she may feel insecure about that). or if all else fails, just nod and smile and keep right on doing what you're doing. she will get the point. hopefully! hang in there!

ps, just got back home after a week at pensacola beach - wish i was there now!