Boundary Issues-Am I Being Unrealistic W/ Mother-In-Law....

Holy cow, seriously people? This grandma is being a typical grandma.

There are a boatload of firsts for you to enjoy....sounds like a typical grandma to me. As for the hair--maybe mention that you don't want her hair trimmed any more until her first official haircut.

You sound grateful for the fact that she watches/takes care of your daughter so you can get out & do things w/hubby. And you should be! My inlaws have only watched my son (7) a handful of times and never for "fun" -- it's been when we needed to go to a funeral, doctor, etc.

Count your blessings.

You can't change people, but you can change YOUR REACTION to their words and actions. Do that.

4 moms found this helpful

Have you ever responded. "That really hurts my feelings?"
I think you need to stick up for yourself. It doesn't have to be a reprimand. Just state, the next time and every other time she makes a "big" remark regarding you or anyone else, "You know, I love you, but when you make those comments, it really hurts my feelings. Please keep those thoughts to yourself."
She will probably try to justify, and say she means no harm. Then just say, "I realize that, but I still feel the same way. Will you please not say that to me anymore?"
Any time after that, just keep repeating your boundary. She will catch on.
When she makes plans without asking you first, say, "That sounds great, but we had plans that day. How about diong something with her on this day?"
As for the hair cuts and Easter Egg hunts, etc, you will need to be blunt. "Please, don't cut her hair ever again. I want to cherish these moments as a Mommie."
Hope this gives you some ideas!

3 moms found this helpful

What you need to do is first; fully enjoy your pregnancy:-) Pregnancy is a very beautiful thing and if you didn't get big then the baby may not be growing as it should. Second; invite you MIL out to a dinner for just the 2 of you and discuss with her "How it is going to be". She raised her family and now she needs to allow you to raise yours. Inform her that you do appreaciate any "positive and helpful" information that she foud that worked when caring for her small children but that you and your husband will make the decisions together regarding the children. Also inform her of the events YOU are going to do with your childre and ask her if she would like to join. Also, you need to let her know where you stand with the haircutting thing. Being a grandmother myself I would never have done something so arrogant without asking permission from my own daughters. Let her know that life with her grandchildren would be "healthier" and happier if she realizes that she is the grandparent and not the parent and therefore has NO say in what she IS going to do with YOUR child(ren). The sooner the better. And, be sure you keep your hubby in the loop as to what you plan on doing so that the 2 of you are on the same page. Good Luck.

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You are right, that your MIL is impulsive and doesn't have a filter. Your personalities are very different. You are gentle with her because that's your way. She comes on like a ton of bricks, because that's her way. If you want her to stop saying the things she does, you have to tell her to stop. Don't mince words. Tell her it's bad enough that she calls you fat and huge and brings up your weight, but she is starting to do it with your daughter. Tell her not to do it anymore. She'll have trouble stopping, but you'll have to get up and leave her house or get another babysitter to show her you mean business if she won't listen.

You'll end up having a better relationship with her if you use her own ways of talking to get your point across. And you'll be less likely to blow up when she starts telling your daughter that she's going to get fat if she doesn't stop eating so much - that's going to be the next battle if you don't stand up to her now.

Good luck,
D.

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For the most part I don't think your MIL is doing anything wrong. Now for the hair cut, I'm sure she had only good intentions, maybe your daughter's hair was getting in her face all the time. I would let her know it hurt your feelings because you wanted to take her for her first hair cut.
As for as the weight thing goes, was she saying you were gaining weight in a bad way, because I could see it being a positive too. You're pregnant you are suppose to gain weight and get big, you have another life inside you. I've known women who feel bad because no one is saying they are getting big. Is your MIL a small framed women? Also, with the comments she was saying about your daughter, didn't see a problem with them, unless she had a negative tone when saying it.
Bottom line if these things bother you, then tell her. If in a year from now this will still bother you, then say something about it.
My grandmother had all kinds of daughter-in-laws, I remember her being upset when one would say something while the others had no problem with the way she handle the kids. However, she did as her daughter-in-laws requested, because she wanted a healthy relationship with them.

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I don't believe your mother in law should have cut your daughters hair. I think she crossed a line with that.

BUT, I think you are being creepy about everything else. She never said you are a fat cow and that you should be ashamed. People remark about how big people are in pregnancy all the time and they don't think it's terrible. If you have low self esteem issues about your appearance, you need to own up to that. You care all too much what others think. Getting big and round during pregnancy is fun and I'll bet she never meant to make you feel that way. You chose to feel that way.

As far as making fun of the little fat rolls your daughter has, she's a baby and babies have fat rolls. It is funny and lots of people call a big eating toddler a little piggy without meaning anything. I've taken care of hundreds of kids that were right on target growth wise that had huge thighs. It's no big deal and I'm sure that your mother in law knows it even if you don't.

Your mother in law sounds like a wonderful person that's a huge help to you and she doesn't deserve to be insulted and talked about behind her back this way. With the exception of the hair incident, I think you are being worse right now than she has been at all.

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To me, I read a few different things in your message that I would address if it were me.

Both of my kids were chunks. I was quite vocal about it to the pediatrician because I was working in the field of Diabetes treatment at the time and was concerned about getting them to a healthy weight. The next time she says something, explain that you've talked to the pediatrician, and there's no concern at this time.

Comments about being a "piggy" - we've had to watch ourselves, too. We have called our daughter "chunka munka" "chunkadoodle" "Chunkapoo", but that was when she was much younger (she is now 2), and we realized it would have a permanent effect. So, we started calling her "Munchkin" and "gorgeous" instead - more positive reinforcement and less trauma in the later years. I'd explain to your MIL that you're concerned about her self-image and want to get her off to a positive, healthy start and ask her to help.

I'd feel completely comfortable telling my MIL that there are certain milestones I want to enjoy as a first-time mother, and ask her to respect that. She may be completely oblivious (sounds like it). If you're not comfortable, see if your husband can step in. However, with her watching your daughter as much as it sounds like she does, you may have to make certain compromises and just be willing to pick your battles. We have no family close by. We're both working parents and have 2 kids (4 and 2) 24/7. It's our life, we chose it, but it would be nice to have grandparents around who could occasionally give us a break. I have a strong type A, controlling personality, so I know it's hard to compromise on some things, but it may be the healthiest way to move forward without resentment.

I agree with one of the posters that asked if you had ever told her she hurt your feelings. She probably isn't realizing that she is being a little nutso. Next time she says something about your weight, call her on it. Keep doing so until she stops. Next time she says something about your DD, tell her that you think it's wrong to make "fatty" comments and you are worried about her body image. As far as the "milestone" stuff, I don't really know what to say. My MIL does that, too. I don't think that she is intentionally doing it to piss me off, but she does. The only thing that helped me was to start thinking about it as in "This is the first time that WE get to do this" as opposed to "first time ever". Also, I hate to be morbid, but she won't be around forever. Let her have a little joy.

You are getting nice advice, however I don't know if the other momies are being polite or I just think that your MIL is crossing the line by far!!!
The hair cup, ok so is not evil but very selfish, that is something she shouldn't have done, my mom did the same and I know she meant well, but still I let her know that she have to ask me first.
About Easter, in her deffense, unless you tell her that you wish to share your baby's first, how she can know unless you don't tell her. My grand ma took care of me on vacations and she loved to take me everywhere.
BUTTTTTTT
Calling your baby piggy?!
As a grown up you can decide to return her comment with a "You are not getting any younger" or just be the bigger person, but a kid can't and SHOULDN"T have to defend her self from this mean comments.
14 months are already understand this kind of things and if not stop can be damage a little girl autoestime.
Some people can't difference between be honest and plain rude.
I think that she may have some issues with weight, have you ask her if she never have problem with bulimic or anorexia?
Anyway, if I was you I would stop the comments about my baby weight asap, it sounds like other then this you have a good relation ship with your MIL, so I am not saying to start a fight over but yes, be VERY clear that such a disrespectful talk about your daughter will be not tolerated. Hopefuly she will understand that it bothers you and she will stop telling you those things to you too.
Ugg, with all the things that our kids have to deal now in days about be enough thin who needs also our own family to tell us we are not thin enough!!

I'm sorry, but I think she crossed a MAJOR line when she cut your daughter's hair. I would have flipped out.

It may be time to put some distance between MIL and you. Yes, kids should have grandparents, but this is going to do more damage than good. If she can't handle a little baby fat on a 14 month old, can you imagine how this is going to get steadily worse as she gets older?

Nothing will ever please this woman. My MIL was similar, I could not do anything right. She's eased up over the years, but once she realized that the babysitting jobs weren't going to her, (but to my own mom) and that we were declining more invitations than we were accepting, she started to get the hint. She still has her moments, but like your MIL, there are few boundries when it comes to her opinion.

My advice is that you start with your husband. You need to agree and have a united front. My husband did alot of the talking to his mom, as he was more blunt about it than I was. Quit taking her to the doctor appointments, just tell her how it goes, don't cut her off, just back off.

It's so sad that she can't see the beauty of a pregnant woman, she sees only fat. It's so sad that she can't just enjoy her granddaughter, she sees only negative... You've received a lot of good advice so far, maybe we can all "adopt" Linda L. as our MIL??? She sounds like a super grandma!

Congrats on #2 and good luck!

I have the same problem with my MIL so I know how you feel. I was a new mom dealing with post-partum depression, and new baby, and recovering from a c-section. When my MIL first started watching my daughter(who is 9 months now) she would cross all sorts of boundaries. She would tell me what to do what not to do with the baby like she was the baby expert. I was very upset at first but I have learned that she is not going to change so I have to except it. I did talk to her and explained that some of the things she says and does hurts my feelings. My husband had a talk with her as well and it has helped. Some of the things she does still bothers me. I just vent to my husband until I feel better.

I think you and your husband should talk to her about it. It may or may not help but a least you tried.

You MIL definately should not have cut your daughters hair and should not have taken a bath with her. That is weird! Say something to her.
Good Luck!!

Nip this problem in the bud.... I have a now 14 year old daughter, and my MIL has always acted more like her mom than a grandmother.
Now that she is older she is starting to resent her for how hands on she has been. While I appreciate her being there for our daughter, she just simply should not make her own rules or break ours.
It has caused many fights between my husband and I and some of them hve been big enough that I have contemplated leaving. Fortunatly that has not happened yet... but it is an ongoing struggle.
If you don't sit her down now and explain these things you are looking at a lifetime of greif and fights over little issues that shouldn't even matter.
Good luck to you, and remember you are not the only one dealing with these issues... it happens...

With this kind of person you cannot be delicate or tentative. You must say clearly how her statements impact you. "It hurts my feelings when you call me huge or fat when I'm pregnant." "We don't call our child a little piggy, and we don't want you to." "Don't cut our child's hair without permission.That is the parents job." Notice that I'm saying "we". Your husband needs to be saying these things to his mom much more than you do. Nowhere do you say how he is reacting to this, and he needs to back you up and speak up to his mom.
You can say these things in a loving way. Use the "sandwich" method where you say a nice thing, the statement of feelings, then another nice thing. "You are so sweet to take care of Susie. We want to be there when she sees the Easter Bunny for the first time, so please leave that to us. You're so thoughtful to give her ...." Be firm, but kind. Good luck with this, and congratulations on your expanding family!

Wow.. She certainly lacks boundaries- and tact. My MIL makes a lot of comments about what I feed my daughter and about my daughters appearance. She is 28 months old and wears 4T clothing. She is 99th percentile in height and weight (41" tall, and 39lbs). She is very tall and not fat at all. Yet- my MIL can't seem to resist saying things about her belly, or "I can't believe you give her ranch dressing, it's nothing but fat, it's SO disgusting." These remarks get my goat in a really bad way.

So.... One thing I would suggest doing- when she tries to take over and gun for all your first time experiences- MIL: "I'm going to take her egg hunting and to meet the rabbit" You: That sounds lovely, what time should WE be there?" as for the haircutting- I would be blunt on that one and express my disappointment- otherwise she won't have clue that she's ruining things for you. If were in your shoes for that one I would have said: "Well, I hope you at least kept a lock of her hair for me so I could put it away for her as a keepsake, and did you get any pictures?" Make your boundaries clear. These are your children. No favor is worth having to give up things that are special firsts for you. Talk to her about it too- Maybe her MIL did these things to her and she's trying to relive moments that should have been hers through your daughter. As far as your current pregnancy- don't say anything. Enjoy it PRIVATELY for as long as you can. Let it just be your beautiful little secret. When she finally clues in and asks- you can just tell her "I just wanted to enjoy it this time without constantly hearing about my size."

Best luck-

Congrats on baby #2!
What does your husband say? I have similar issues with my MIL. My MIL also called my baby fat. I had to talk to my husband and tell him how much it hurt me that she would say that about a baby. He had a talk with her and she stopped. I would be devistated if she cut my son's hair - so I have made a point to stress to my husband that I don't want to cut his hair until at least 18 months and even then - I make the decision on the cutting. Some people on this site will tell you that you are overreacting and that your MIL has every right to make decisions - becuase she has raised children. (they have told that to me in the past) I say - PHOOEEY! You are the mom - you make the decisions. The MIL needs to understand that you are the mommy!! I would have a discussion with your husband and let him tell her the rules.

Yes she does lack boundaries. So when you tell her to butt out and then giggle or mention to her that she herself is starting to look a little old and flabby and then giggle again she probably won't get it but you will wink, wink. And enjoy the babysitting since there will be two and I know, eye roll here, ignore whatever is possible. And you need not give her permission to make you feel gross during the most wonderful time of life. Laugh at her, she is a fool. But sounds like she's truly just without boundaries which doesn't make her all bad just silly. I never had my mom help with babysitting at all, so I say make fun of this she can keep you all laughing at your dinner table for years...

Not only does your MIL lack boundaries, she also lacks some basic manners. Cutting your daughter's hair without your permission is a big 'no-no', as well.

If the hurtful comments continue, your hubby needs to have a talk with his mother. Otherwise, it may be necessary to limit you and your children's exposure to it.

I think you and MIL need some space away from each other. Maybe she can join some activities at her local Senior center.