I could use some help with a situation that I am facing right now. I am a nanny for three toddlers and have a 5 year old son. My son is an only child and obviously the ones I care for are not... My son seems to have some sort of power struggle going on with the other kids because he is older and he absolutely will not listen to me while I am "Nanny". I want to be consistant and also do my job well, but I often find myself scolding my own child and over-disciplining him because he seems so much more aggressive and tempermental. We are in someone else's home and he is out-numbered, but I don't like to encourage ANY bad behavior that the other children may model. So, basically, does anyone have any suggestions on how to quell his rebellion and help them all get along? I could just use some suggestions... When it's just me and the toddlers we do good and when it's just me and my son we do good. Thank you.
Thank you so much for the help. I knew that other's had probably been in similar situations and I am glad for the practical advice. I loved the suggestion to lower my voice and get to his level to get his attention. In a room full of screaming toddlers, a soft voice is sometimes more affective! I know a lot of the things that some of you suggested, but I sometimes need a reminder. I also relize I need to have a better schedule at home with a little more structure. Thanks for the advice, I am sure it won't be the last time I ask for it.
Wow. You're dedicating a lot of time to other kids in FRONT of him. Perhaps he's jealous? Does he need a job to feel more important as a "helper" for you? You should talk to him about it, if you can.
I think that a kid in his situation won't see Mom as "working", but rather as giving herself to some other kids and not ME.
First of all do you need to bring him with you when you work? You can't do the job properly with your child there. He wants attention from his mommy and doesn't understand that you are working but still his mommy. He sees you giving attention to the toddlers and feels you are taking time away from him.
If you must have him with you I have three suggestions.
1. Can he have a friend his age with him to play with? It would take the pressure off you and the toddlers.
2. Bring activities only he can do. Projects he would enjoy, planned activities. Allow sometime just for the two of you to do something together (toddler nap time?). Tell him about the special time ahead of time, so he knows he has a special time coming and you are in his thoughts alone.
3.Teach him to be your helper and praise his help.Give him helper projects like help with lunch or help arrange an activity for the toddler. Give him opportunities to give positive energy with your job. I wish you well R.
I have a small preschool started mainly because I was having a very trying time with my then 2 1/2 y.o. at the school where I had been teaching. Starting a smaller group seemed like the perfect answer, and it was for awhile, but still he was more tempermental and less co-operative than the others.
By the way the school is in our home, I have 9 other children and an assistant who comes as well. So these suggestions come hard earned, let me tell you.... :)
My advice for your specific situation with the eldest child being your son would be to make a routine, or structure, that is your daily rythmn and then find ways to enlist your son's help...put him in charge of certain tasks, like helping with handwashing in the bathroom before snacks/meals (of course a practice session or 2 at home with you will help start this off on the right foot!) There are lots of little things that you can ask him to help with so he can experience how able and helpful he is while he's at work with you. Use his age advantage to his advantage to make him feel like a help rather than a hindrance and give him that positive attention he's craving!
I also recommend a book called 1,2,3 Magic
A non-emotionally charged method of disciplione that helps you to focus on one or two behaviors at a time so the child can successfully alter those behaviors that annoy the h*ll out of us! I found it at my local library - hope you can too!
Have you tried the "I could really use your help" approach? Try to convence your son to be more of a helper. Maybe he won't feel as though he's totally equel to the others. I would say he's just trying to get your attention. You know, not wanting to share you with them. Maybe approaching it as a "team effort" thing would be helpfull.
Also check out www.loveandlogic.com
Maybe it will be helpful
Good luck,
Lauri
It sounds like he may be struggling with his feelings over sharing you with other children. When my son was younger (4-5 y/o)I tried teaching in his classroom and it was hard for him. Now, he understands when I explain it to him. He is almost seven now. Maybe you could reassess the situation. If it causes a lot of frustration maybe the situation isn't ideal for you and your son and you can find one that better meets your needs. Good luck!
He may be jealous. Try getting to the root of the problem first. Let him know that you understand that it is hard to share mommy and then let him know that when yu get home he will have your attention
Your son just wants your undivided attention and is willing to misbehave to get it. Perhaps you could notice his positive behavior and reward him for that so that he is getting your attention for positive behavior rather than negative. I know it's hard working with other children when your own child is present. It seems every situation I've seen where this is the case, the child that is your own is the one that misbehaves the most.
Of course he is rebelling for having to share you. What I was thinking as I read this is that since he is the oldest, you can make him be your helper. Everyday say, let's go to work now and do our job, and make him a part of YOUR team. He is old enough to help with the lunches, getting diapers for you, etc. Make him feel more important to you than the "others". Give him some kind of reward for helping each day, maybe at the end of the week. Kids love to help and if you start treating him like your coworker instead of the just one of the rest of them, he may feel happier.
Hi, K.- This is a tough situation, as your son is wanting confirmation that he is the most important person to you, which he is, which is why you need this job to work out, which is why you need him to cooperate, etc.etc.etc...
I would recommend finding reasons to give him positive feedback, especially if he is seeking negative feedback. Maybe start a ritual of talking through the day during your goodnight ritual- starting with right before bed and working back to waking up. Stick with the highlights and the deeds you saw him do that were positive/kind/helpful. This could become a time of the day that you both look forward to and that give him subconscious desire to seek out positive interactions! It sounds like he is jealous and wants reassurance of his place in your life and heart! Good luck to you!
Hi K.,
I'm in my 50's and raised two children, as well as taking in foster children when they were younger. We also had some competitiveness and unhappiness with having other kids around so much (not something I'd do again looking back, when the kids were young). But I'll suggest a couple of things that could help.
You mentioned consistent discipline for your son...excellent. But when you use discipline with him, try getting down on his level, eye to eye and drop you voice to a very soft tone, where he has to really listen. After you've talked to him, ask him (and this is something I'd do all the time, not just when the other kids were around) to respond to what you told him with "yes mom" or something similar, making sure he understands. It also helps teach them a greater level of respect. Have him repeat back to you what you asked him to do as well. Then PRAISE him for listening and let him know that you're very proud of him as you know he can do it.
That's the second step. Every time he does something that's good, no matter how small (while at these people's home) praise him in front of the other children. Let him know what an excellent helper he is to you and when he's being good, point to him as an example of how the other kids should do (whatever he just did)...in other words, brag on his good behavior.
I'm guessing that he's mostly just competing for your attention, as he's used to being the only child and focus of your attention. Now he's having to share you with three other kids. If he only gets individual attention by being naughty, he'll continue. But if he starts getting heaps of attention whenever he's good, he'll find more ways of being good.
I hope that helps a little...I'd love to know if it does, so feel free to drop me a not if you'd like.
M. Ferrell
____@____.com
He sounds like my son at 5-1/2 when we adopted his sister who was 1-1/2 at the time. He is getting used to having to share your attention and wait for it. He is used to having exclusivity with mom and turn on a dime service. Stay firm and consistent. If the toddlers nap, give him special alone time with a book or coloring or doing a quiet activity together with your attention directed completely at him. If they don't nap, you can start a system with your son where he earns reading time by being helpful and agreeable. Each time he responds correctly or is particularly helpful, add a sticker or check to a chart. For each mark, he gets 2-5 minutes of reading time with you after the kids leave. Don't take time away when he is bad, but add it when he he behaves.
Do know that your son is also testing his boundaries and your love. He needs to know that no matter what, you still love him in a very special way. All kids go through this testing, but kids who become siblings older and are more aware of a shift in your attention and demeanor will be more verbal and/or obvious in their actions. He needs to be reminded that you love him, but that he is still expected to act appropriately no matter how he feels inside. So if you need to send him to his room, make sure you talk to him about why he is there and what he can do differently so he doesn't get in trouble. He also needs to see the other children "wait" for him sometimes, when appropriate.
I had a similar problem. We are in a coop Preschool and on my "working" day my son won't listen to me, throw tantrums and etc. (he just didn't felt like sharing me).What it worked for us was explaining that this is a job for both of us - for him to listen, learn and play, for me- to help all the kids there to do it. Get him involved, give him a "job" and "pay" him for doing it. Give him tasks that he will be in charge, tell him which are your responsibilities and which will be his. Talk about the things he will like to be in charge today and make sure to "pay" him for doing a great job. I bought a wallet for my son (I did let him chose it at "Dollar Store") so he can see how the money are getting there and let him being in charge of his money. Make sure he will see them "gone" and "come" and use the opportunity to teach him about money and how to spend them wise. It took us about 3 months for the basic. We are going further at this point - learning math, save for a bigger toy and give away to charity. He even saved for a "real" wallet. He is only 4 and I think he does a great job. Make sure you start little in money and steps. Let me know if you like the idea and need more tips.
I agree with the other comment. I bet he is jealous. And if you are trying to discipline him more than usual while Nannying, that might increase his jealously/resentment.
Try to give him a little secret attention throughout your day with the whole group- little kisses and hugs and such. And when you are home alone with him, remind him that he is the most important person in the world to you and you love him the most!
In response to disciplining. Have your son be an assistant to you. Explain how this is your job, how difficult it is and how you need an assistant. This opens up a time for teaching your son about responsiblity of a job well done and gives him good self esteem when he does help.When his behavior is bad explain to him how the other children may treat him badly because he is teaching them bad behavior. Ask him to help by saying things like " can You help the other kids by showing them the "right" way to put the toys away" or "when we eat we dont use our fingers do we son? can you show us how we properly use a fork or spoon". By giving him the responsiblity of teaching others your also making him responsible for his own behavior. 5 is a good age to start giving him understanding or his own behavior and how it affects others.
I am a mother or 3, step mother of 2 and grandmother of 11. When my children were young I took every child rearing class I could and read as well. It took alot of trial and error to find the correct things that worked on my children and each one is so different, different things worked for each one. I also have worked with the disabled for almost 30 years (mental, emotional and phisically disabled) adult and children. I was a nannysome years ago for a family of 11 children its a great job. Good luck!
Try enlisting your son to "help" you nanny. Because he is the oldest, you can allow him all kinds of big boy responsibilities that make him feel special. Explain to him how the littler ones will copy what he does because they think he is so cool and special, so he needs to model good behavior.
