2 Yr Old Driving Me Nuts!

Hey J.. My name is J. (I am a girl named J.) :)
Unfortunately, I have no advice for you, but if nothing else, I can let you know that you are not alone. I am a 28 year old sahm with a 2.5 year old boy and a 4 month old boy. I could have written your story verbatem. I miss my sweet loveable boy too, and I have tried everything I know and am at my witts end. I feel like pulling my hair out. My 2 yr old whines 24 hours a day it feels like. I wish I had some advice, but all I can offer is you are not alone... :)

1 mom found this helpful

just a suggestion, my son was 1 when he started fighting his car seat, and even at the time, didn't watch a lot of TV, but we went and bought a dvd player for the car with the screen on the back of the headrest, let him pick the movie (he has a small cd case) and it worked miracles, well worth the money! Also, something fun to do is to go camping, either in your backyard or have Daddy take him somewhere for the night, it's cheap and my son loved it! He is 4 1/2 now and loves his dvd player (we bought just for him) or his V-tech, it's a special toy that the baby can't play with. I never had your problem, but I did have a difficult boy, so I hope any of that can help you!

Also, I do believe in spanking, but the only thing that worked with him at that age was the naughty spot, referring to the Super Nanny technique. It gave me & him a chance to calm down. It may take some time for him to learn it, but it was worth it as well to me. 1 min = 1 yr old, 2 min = 2 yr old, etc.

Hi J.,
I had the same problem. My boys are 18mo apart. When my oldest came to see me at the hospital, he wouldn't ackowledge me for over a half hour and it was actually a couple weeks before he'd go near the baby. It's been very rough on my oldest, you can tell he felt invaded and left behind. I tried my best to include him in everything cncerning the baby. I tried to get him to help or play with but he didn't like him. And I would get so depressed because everyone else had kids who loved their new baby. My oldest is very headstrong and tempermental, just like me and sadly there were times it would not be a pretty picture. I tried to prepare him as much as I could but I didn't do a good enough job.

I will say that my little angel started acting up like crazy doing things he never did before. Once I figured out it was attention, I tried the supernanny approach of respond not react. I tried to make sure I commented and complimented when he did things right or well and tried not to blow up. I know it's tough when you're tired and frustrated but he's even more so. He was mad at me for a long time (it seemed like years but it really wasn't since he's not even 3 yet) but he's back to my bud again.

I tried not to give him any sort of satisafaction when he acted up and made a point of a big deal when he was good. I told him how I appreciated things that he would do and try to make things special between us.

The other thing I've noticed is that it seemed to be an age thing and a boredom thing. The closer he's gotten to 3, the better his behavior has been. The older his brother gets and the more they are able to play together (mine are REALLY active), the better friends they are and the more protective the older is of the younger (he used to be happy if someone else paid attention to his brother so he wasn't bothered).

I will say this. He still pulls the negative attention thing with my husband. He knows how to push my hubby's buttons to get attention, even if it's negative. Seeing how he responds helped me fix how I responded.

It's very hard but it has gotten easier. Good luck!

He is most likely jealous. try to have some mommy and me time with him, when the baby is napping maybe read him a book or sit and do a craft. also include him in helping take care of the baby, ask him to be mommy's big helper. say " sweetheart can I get you to be mommys big helper and bring me a diaper for the baby , or the baby lost his sock can you help me find it. see how fast you can find his toy." make him involved in careing for the newborn. and teach him that he's the big brother and big brothers protect little brothers they dont hurt them.

good luck

Sounds like he misses his attention. I would make certain that you address the hitting which is unacceptable, but remember to notice when he does things right. You've got your hands full, but try to be patient with him.
I would try and have him be a helper if he is capable. "Can you help mommy? It would be very nice if you got a diaper (or whatever fits the situation)for your little brother. Thank you!!! That was very helpful. You're such a good boy and a good big brother. Mommy loves you."
I know it might seem hard but he should respond well to being made the center of attention and then once he knows he's not yesterday's news he should warm up to his little brother. Little guys need all those reminders of how they are loved even when they're on your last nerve. Some behavior can just be part of this stage, so don't be too hard on expecting too much from him.
If you can make some one on one time just for him, that might also help. Bribbing can be okay. "If you're a good boy today or this week, we'll go do this. (Or when you get 3 stars or however many on a chart he can see.) Being a good boy means no hitting and always being nice. Nice boys help mommy and are good listeners." He'll need lots of verbal reminders to stay on track, but maybe a new approach will work for him. You can give stars for being nice (helping you), cleaning up after himself, Kids respond well to reward and like the look of stickers or stars.
I'm sure you'll get your little sweet boy back in no time.

With avoiding carseat fights, try to encourage him with something he likes. My daughter likes to give her puppy treats, so when she's fussy about being cooperative with getting settled in the carseat, I say, "Do you want to go home and feed the puppy?" She nods and is in the seat in no time. So just know what your kid likes and you are willing to follow through on, and coax him. Maybe a pet store is near by and he likes to look at the animals, and you need to buy dog food. Just make it so he thinks it's about him getting something he wants.

Also, ask friends and family to address him first when they visit and they turn to your new addition. Maybe they can ask your older boy how the younger one is doing, especialy about his helping care for him. Praise about being the good big brother/mommy's helper will help encourage him to be happy with the new situation. Maybe you have a friend who's a big brother who can talk about how much fun and important a role it is.
Good luck, girl!

Hi J.! I have been there!

I highly recommend you go to the library and pick up John Rosemond's "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific!"

I learned so much in that book!

Good luck!

S.

Hi J.,

I was in your same situation a year ago and I completely understand the way that you feel. Try to be as consistent patient as you can with your discipline and REALLY give him praise for anything nice that he does. This is a phase that he likely would have done anyway... the baby just made it a little harder!! My now 3 year old is the sweetest brother to his baby sister and loves her to pieces. It's hard to believe though because for the first four months of her life he would barely look at her! It will get better J.! I hope you are getting some rest!!!

My children are older now, but I went through this too. My daughter was 23 months when I had my son. I felt like I ruined her life when my son was born!! But now, they are, more or less, pals. My daughter doesn't ever get the alone time she would like, but alas, like someone else said, this too shall pass.

Toddlers are curious, I tried to provide times for her to sit with me and the baby, I would lay him on the floor and let her more of less inspect him. She helped with bringing diapers, too. Reading books to older, while nursing the younger, and of course, providing play time with her when he napped.

One thing I have been trying lately, is accentuating the positive. Statements like "show me how you can get into your car seat like a big boy". Choices are another good thing....because his world has been rocked and he probably feels a little out of control. Does he want the blue yogurt of the yellow, etc. Simple things like that. Also, make what he can have and do seem special -- kind of like the Big Brother book, "oh look how you can eat pizza like a big boy, babies can't have pizza, or ice cream....etc.".

It will all take time, the nice thing is in the end, he will never rememeber life without him. My kids still don't understand why they aren't in each others baby pics!

My boys are 26 months apart, very similar to your boys. When we brought home the baby, we were careful to remind the older boy how lucky he is to be able to do the things that he can do like run and play and eat the things like ice cream or what ever it is he likes. That his little brother would really like to do those things but he is too little to do them. I don't know if taking that approach would help your situation. Also, let him be the baby sometimes, and doing things with the older one that you do with the baby, so that way he still feels like he is loved like the baby.

Also remember this is a big transition time for him and things will get better. My mom friends had a saying that we used constantly, "this too shall pass!"

Best of luck with your two boys. My boys are 2 and 4 now and absolutely love each other so much. It's really neat to see that bond grow. Another thing that I've always said about having 2 so close it that it's going to be really hard in the beginning, but we will reap the rewards as they get older.

I advice you to one keep your cool because you already know he is a little on the jealous side right now. Consider either having a friend or hiring someone once or twice a week, for you and him to have alone time. This will really help and allow him to get mommie back. Then continue showing lots of love at home and let him help out too. You can contact my business if you would like to try out one of our nannies/ or a baby nurse@ night for those rough weeks to come. Good luck J.. BLA

J., don't worry this will change eventually. While you're going through it it's hard to see some daylight.:-)
Is your son permitted to assist with the care of the new baby? I would encourage him to bring diapers, read to baby brother or bring the bottle to baby brother. You must explain to him in no uncertain terms that you are the mom and love both of them equally, and he will not misbehave or hurt someone else. Praise him for his efforts and especially when he does something w/o being told. As a big brother do some special things only w/him and let him know, "..our trips to the putt putt park, museum or Bugs Bunnyland @ Six Flags for instance is special for you." he seeks attention b/c of his jealousy. He perhaps had some of the aggressive habits before and they're amplified now. As a former Ft. McPherson mentor and mentor to young moms, I've been able to assist with things such as this. But, you cannot let him hit you, the baby or the dog. Children who are cruel to animals, from a former Juvenile Justice worker of a number of years, graduate to cruelty to people and destructive behavior. We don't want that at all for him, so it must be addressed immediately. You really have to stop asking him to do things and tell him, "..we're going to take our bath now, or we're getting in the car now to take a ride." Don't get dragged into his temper tantrum, you have to ignore his outbursts as long as he isn't physically harming himself or others. You might want to consider removing some of his tv viewing which may be teaching hitting (some cartoons are violent as are other shows) or encourage less play with guns and stuff like that and redirect his mind, it can make a tremendous difference. Finger painting, little projects (you can buy the art books from Zaney Brainey or The SchoolBox) and other positive distractions work wonders. Make sure you're not sending him to the room for more than 3 or so minutes, as it should be commensurate w/his age. Make sure you make bedtime and other quiet times an important thing to focus on. You could take a look at his sugar intake too. More sugar and additives in his diet don't help aggressive or hyper behaviors. As a mom of more than 18 years, I realize how difficult it is and I have faith in you. You must totally change things to effect positive change now. It's much too important to act today, so that your new baby picked up on the same behaviors. All the best to you, and if you ever need to talk I'm here for you. A.

I never understand why people of today say that spanking children will teach the children violence. sounds like he is already violent. Spank his butt.

The grandmother(s) can be of great help in this situation. They can drop subtle hints (use psychology) for your 22-month old that could make a difference. I had my children 11 months apart. My son wouldn't even look at his new sister. Just ignored her to no end. He was never mean to her. The grandmothers would make comments with a very happy attitude about how lucky the new baby girl was for having a big brother to protect her. They would make suggestions to him and actually mimmick the behavior for him to follow. Before long, he was actually picking up lint from the floors and bringing it to the adults and telling them he was afraid his siter might pick it up and put it in her mouth!
Also, when he is watching you with the new baby, he may be remembering his strong his desires were for the things you used to do for him...things he no longer needs from you, such as diapering, bottle feeding, etc. Tell him he is such a big boy and help him focus more on increasing his intelligence and independence. Give him projects to work on and don't make a big deal out of the new baby to him. He will "pick up" on good behavior from those that surround him.

My children are about the same distance apart as yours. However, mine are now almost 5 and 3. If I remember correctly, at about the 2 year stage children realize they have control, and that is powerful to them. What I did was to harness that control. Give them choices which result in what you want them to do, but they save control. For instance, when we get into the car (I still do this with my 3 year old.) if my youngest doesn't get into the car. I tell her, "Okay. I am counting to 5. If you are not in your seat, I am putting you in there." Or for your age child say, "YOU get in the seat, or Mommy will do it." You don't want to be too wordy because they miss the message, but you get the idea. This choice, whether you do it or he does it, results in a common outcome, getting into the seat. If he doesn't do as you say and you end up doing it, he will probably cry or scream. Calmly say, "I told you that if you didn't get in your seat Mommy would do it." After a few times, he will learn. I hope this helps.

Sounds like your oldest is just jealous and feeling replaced. Spend some one-on-one time with him everyday and let him "help" you take care of baby brother by bringing you diapers, etc. That's the only way we got my daughter to accept her baby sister and stop the misbehavior.

Always take time everyday, maybe while the baby is napping, to do something fun with him like color or cuddle or whatever he wants to do. Also, try praising him as a "good big brother" whenever he does something sweet for the baby. We told my daughter that she was the baby's favorite person so she started making her little sister laugh and smile instead of being jealous. don't get me wrong she STILL gets jealous sometimes and acts out. that is totally normal. Good luck!

The first three months of having the new baby are hard! But if you stay firm on your rules it will all be back to normal soon. We had a very firm you hit you sit policy with my daughter and her dad spent lots of extra time with her after the baby came. But it is a big change for everyone. Good luck!

Hi J.,

This sounds alot like what I'm going through with my 22 month old daughter. I only have one child, but she is doing the same things that your son is doing on a daily basis. I agree that he probably has some jealousy because he's not the only focus of your attention.

Unfortunately, as I've been told by other mothers, it's the age for all this to happen. Even if he was the only child, it's very common for 2 year olds to go through this.

As I have tried with my daughter-be patient, try to get some one on one time, and be firm in your discipline. It will all work out, it is just bad timing for you to have to go through this with a one month old. Good Luck!!

Give your 2 year old some time. Having a rival for your attention is new and he is not old enough to understand why things have changed in your house. Include him as much as you can. Hold him on one side of you while feeding the baby on your other side. Get him to help you by getting diapers, getting the baby bathed etc. This will make him feel included and wanted. Don't allow him to pick up the baby or hold the baby unless it is in your lap as you don't want him to go too far and hurt someone.

The best advice I can give with hindsight from having 2 children is that all things pass and almost always get better with time. Before you know it your 2 year old will be playing with your sitting up 6 month old or at 4 running after your 1 year old. My now 6 & 9 year olds are best friends and worst enemies.

Consistency & firmness is key with parenting. Decide ahead of time how to deal with certain issues and stick to your guns. All discipline issues are quickly solved by this. I love watching Supernanny on ABC as Jo stresses this in every episode. Children thrive when there are clear rules and boundries but are lost and always testing when they have no idea what the rules really are.

Faith in God is something that I find the most helpful. I pray every day for help and guidance in being a parent and know that God gives me the best example through the bible in how to be a parent as he is a Father to us. All discipline must be done through the deepest love.

I hope this advice makes sense and is helpful. Good luck.

I am in a very similar situation! My son is 2 years and 2 weeks older than my daughter who is now 8 weeks (a New Years Eve baby - spontaneous labor, no induction!) Anyway, we had the same problem you are having and I guess we are still somewhat, though it has gotten better since I found a new book! I kept getting the same advice you are getting on here - give him more attention, let him be the helper, be consistent, etc... and I half-heartedly tried that, but this book put it all into perspective. It's called 'Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours' by Kevin Leman and one of the things he stated was that no form of discipline/correction/punishment/whatever label you like will work on a child who doesn't feel loved. So once we really tried to focus in on showing him love, his behavior GREATLY improved, though it's not perfect! I think most of it is just being 2. I think males in general, especially young ones, receive love in the form of Physical Touch. Make sure you are touching him a lot! Tousling his hair as he walks by, hugging him, cuddling with him while you hold the baby, etc. It has been hard for me since my newborn has to be held most of the time due to tummy upsets, so I am 'touched out' by the end of the day, but I have noticed a big difference in our little man! We also cut out dairy and preservatives from our diet, both of which aggravate aggressive and hyperactive behaviors. He is so much more well-behaved it's is unreal! We still have rough times, but the combination of these things has been worth all the effort! Check out the book 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman too. There are several variations like 'for teens', 'for children', and 'for couples', but I think if you get the original the concept applies across the board! Anyway, know that you are not alone out there! I'm here with you!

This too shall pass is what my mom always says! And really if you keep on disciplining him, keep on being consistant...it will pass. I know because I am just begining to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My 29month old is just starting to obey. We just remain consistant, both my husband and I and we don't let little things slide. He now knows what we expect. Sure, he still misbehaves, but I know he knows and he knows I know he knows!!! It is getting better--although sometimes I am not sure I believe it myself. Just hang in there. As my mom always says, this too shall pass!

I know exactly what you are talking about. It seems when a new one is born everyone tends to look over the other children. It is very important to keep the other child feeling special.They usually feel that no one loves them anymore, everyone only loves the baby. That causes alot of aggression & withdrawal. Try to keep him involved. Try letting him help you out with small things.(getting you a diaper or handing you the wash cloth at bath time) Small things go a long way. He can be your little helper. Be sure to recognize him for special things he helps you with. They need recognition more than ever when a new one comes along. It will help him feel important & needed. Always make sure you do have one on one time with him and encourage others not look over him. It is a huge change for him. He went from being the "one" in everyones eyes to no one having time for him. It's very hard for him and it takes alot of adjustments. Just be patient, he is still your sweet little man. It just takes time, but he will come around. I am a mother of 3 wonderful children. When my son was born, we went through what you are going though. I will be the first to tell you, that it is the hardest to deal with. We struggled. I read book about how siblings feel when new ones come along and how to deal with it. Getting them involved and making sure they still feel special and loved. Guess what, we came through it. It is possible. So stay strong and patient. He is still your baby to. Show him that. I hope this helps you out and good luck with this huge challenge.

It sounds like your 22-month old is jealous of the time and attention for the new baby. If you nip this behavior in the bud, I think it can get a lot better. I don't know if you've ever watched Supernanny, but a lot of her shows lately have dealt with very agressive kids, and she's had some really great tips. You may want to try that. It's hard when a new baby comes home and you've been the only child and the center of Mom and Dad's world. All of a sudden it feels like someone has taken your place. I actually remember my own feelings when my sister came home. We're 27 months apart and I was by no means thrilled. I think trying to find some special time for your 22-month old would help, even though it's hard with a new baby. Good luck!

Wow! Do I feel your pain!! I have a 22 month old daughter and a 9 wk. old son. My daughter also began hitting and biting me and the baby a couple of weeks after we brought him home. She also cries about anything and screams at the top of her lungs when she doesn't get her way....or, just for the heck of it!! It's terrible. Poor baby, he can't get any sleep because of her acting out like this--and I'm always on guard, watching her to make sure she doesn't hurt him! Most of the time, she loves him to pieces and kisses and hugs him and talks sweetly to him. But we just never know when she's going to "turn" (Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde)! It's hard enough, as you know, having two little ones so close together (didn't plan it that way!) I hope in time she'll adjust to the "new order". I'm curious to read your responses! Good luck with everything and hang in there! :)

My boys are older now; but, they are only 14 months apart. It is a really hard balancing act with kids close together. Take heart though, I keep a 22 month old and we are at war all the time it seems. He is cranky (so am I) all the time. I keep him on a schedule which helps. He spends a lot of time in the naughty chair. Sometimes (I can do things that his Mom can't because he is not mine), I just have to stop and snuggle him, chase him around the house or just start playing with his toys without him. He tends to settle down and play then. Maybe you can get him to help you with the new baby. Let him hold the bottle, or get the wipes. Just try to get him involved.

Hang in there. My kids are 9 and 10 now. It gets MUCH easier.

I was 7 years old when my sister was born! It was terible for me! I hated her, this is hard to say, I hurt her, I made her cry, I believed that my parents AND grandparents forgot about me completely! My world was crushed! I told my mom that I didnt know how to eat, and that she had to feed my of the spoon. Thats what my mom realized that there was a problem. She took me on a month vocation, just me and her. When we came back, everything was just fine, it was like nothing even happened! All I wanted was ATTENTION from my mommy! I wanted for her to show me how much she loved me! Also my parents let me do things for the new baby, like rocking her to sleep, feeding her...that made me feel so good! Vocation may be a lil hard to do, but may be u can give him something to do, something important. Try to show him how cool it is to be the big brother! Spend one on one time with him, it may not seem like its working, but I beat he really likes it.

lots of spanking and lots of praise!!
when the fits start you need to remember to be constant, to where he knows when he acts up you WILL take care of the matter. i've counseled someone with the same exact issue, right down to the age. the mother told me "oh no, i can't hit my baby" but she had it all wrong. pick up the book What the Bible Says about Child Training, it explains in detail the proper way to administer a spanking. if you don't want to pick up the book just ask me.
then comes the praise, get your 2 year old way-more involved with helping out with baby, almost too involved, from laying baby down for a nap to changing the diaper, all the while you sing your praises on what a good helper he's being and what an awesome brother he is, and how much you love him and how much the baby brother loves him for helping. your 2 year old is acting out in resentment and he needs to feel more involved. no matter what it takes, even when he starts to get aggressive when you ask him to help if you're being constant on your part it'll only take a firm word or even a look to get the picture across.
then when baby is taking a nap big-brother knows it's his time and he may even deserve a special treat for helping.
i always jokingly tell moms 'hey! you're the momma!'

J.,

It will get easier but it takes a little time. For me, it took about 6 months before by son was not jealous of my daughter. I would also spend one-on-one time with him but it only seemed to help for a little while. My husband and I took turns doing someone with the my son for longer periods of time away from the house, the park, bouncy places, ect. It made him feel better and he was much better when he came home. This of course did not help me during the day when I had the two of them, but if I had to do it over again I would have a friend or family member help with the baby while I spend time with the older one.

Your little one is jealous because of the new baby. Right now he's thinking what is this thing taking up most of my mom's time. He needs a little extra love because he thinks that the new baby will take you away from him. Try and make him a part of the baby experience I know it takes some patience but let him know that this baby is his too. See if he can help you change the baby maybe holding the diaper cream or looking for a diaper. And always let him know how much of a help he is with the baby. Giving him attention when he does good rather than bad will make him want to do good more.

Take Care and Good Luck,
M.

One on one time is great, but you need to involve him in the new addition to the family. Ask for his help in getting a diaper or getting the baby to calm down or something like that. He needs to feel like he is a part of the new situation. "Son, will you help me with the baby?" Although I never had this problem with my boys (they were 14 months apart), I always included the oldest to help me with the youngest.

Spending one on one time is also something that you need to do. It's not going to go away overnight, you have to continue spending that quality time with him.

Also, www.loveandlogic.com might also be something you'd be interested in. Good luck!

I have read a few of the responses, and agree that you should take some one on one time with your 2 year old when possible. But I also recommend that you not cater to his behavior. Yes, he is probably angry and frustrated at the interruption of his little brother, but he needs boundaries too. There are still non-negotiables in his life, behaviors that are not tolerated, no matter the reasoning behind them. In our home there are rules that never change, such as hitting your siblings, or disrespectful talk. These things NEVER go without a consequence, because they are never ok. There is a certain amount of security in the fact that the rules haven't changed, even with the addition of a new member to the family. Consistency is important to him, especially since he is first born. As he grows older, he needs to know his boundaries and limits in order to feel most secure in himself. I hope this helps and was not too wordy :).