Did I Handle This Appropriately?

I personally think you went overboard.

I would have explained to all of them that that is a bad word that kids do not get to say.

Then I would have left it alone.

Then I would have informed all the parents, just so they would be aware.

I would NOT have handed out punishments to kids that are not mine...so absolutely NO time outs!

Also, I am not a big fan of hearing you were so touchy-feely with someone else's child. If it was my child I would not like the idea of another Mom hugging my child.

I am also not a fan that you pressed the issue to the point that you made the kids so upset that they were to the crying stage, NOT cool! The situation didn't warrant that much drama...especially since none of them knew what they were saying.

You asked for opinions, that is mine. Take it or leave it.

I find it hard to believe there is a child on the planet who has not heard this word. They may not know what it means, but they have most certainly heard it. I think you may have made too big a deal of it, and by doing so made the word that much more interesting to the kids. I think saying "that is not a nice word and you should not say it" would have been sufficient. It's just a word.

I would've scolded them all (whether they said it or not) to not use that word ever and especially in my house. After that I would let them go play. How it starts and who said what doesn't really matter so long as they understand there's no excuse for the word, even if playing. They just don't use it.

I think when you try to find the truth it's just too convoluted with children and when other kids perceive they were wronged in punishment it sets a bad precedent on how you can get out of trouble. I punish my kids when we are just at home but at a play date, I don't punish just for a word said, more like, punishment for consistent bad behavior.

EDIT: Didn't know hugging was also and issue here but here's my take. I'm not comfortable with hugging and I hate it. I wasn't raised in a hugging environment and I blame that on my antisocial nature. I think kids like to be hugged and when they are uncomfortable it is because they aren't used to it and it really is sad. I got hugs from my teachers and it was the only time I was hugged as a kid an though I was uncomfortable I still am human who takes it as affirmation. My oldest son also doesn't like to hug but I do it anyway and though he is all "I'm a big boy" initially, his hugs show that he really does want it.

Well, I think you blew it our of proportion...in all honesty. Why couldn't you sit them down as a group and explain to them what ugly words are, and ask them not to use them in your home? They are children, and they hear stupid words and repeat them. It doesn't need to involve this whole hubbub.

I would not give another child a timeout (unless they hit someone or something.) If you want to give YOUR child a timeout, fine. I really think you overstepped on that one, and I wouldn't EVER offer to keep a secret from a parent. We tell my son NO adult can tell you to keep a secret from us, and I sure wouldn't appreciate someone doing just that. They didn't KNOW what the word meant, but you disciplined a child that's not your over it? Strange.

I don't bring my child over to other people's homes to be put in timeouts and told they could keep a secret from me. I"m not saying you shouldn't have rules and that my child can act like a fool. Now, if my child was REALLY being bad (like i said, harming or putting in danger) I understand removing them from the group. Other then that, chill out!! It's a WORD. The secret thing really would make me mad. I would want to know about the word, but I would wonder why you made such a big deal about it. And, I would never send my kid to a house, where adults keep secrets from parents. You would have lost my trust, right there. I am really laid back about most things, but that is a big one with me. I have a no tolerance for that. It's not a healthy way to relate to children and make them feel better.

IMO, you blew the whole thing way out of proportion. Don't give guests time outs, that's ridiculous. Yes tell the other parents but don't make a big deal out of it. Of course tell the older friend's mom something like "hey I just wanted to let you know that Tommy tricked Bobby into saying the f-bomb today and the little kids repeated it. Of course I told them all that we don't use that word but I just wanted to let you know it's in his vocabulary." And to the other parent, "I'm sorry but Sam heard the f-word today from one of the older kids and both younger boys repeated it. I of course explained to them that it's a curse word and not something that we say. Sorry that if your child hasn't heard that word before, he heard it here first."

Unless you and your kids live in a cave, they have heard that word before and will hear it again. It's just a word, and one that children don't say, along with the other list of words that we don't allow children to say. Try not to blow things out of proportion next time.

I think you should not have offered the kids to keep it a secret. We teach our DD that it is not ok to have secrets from mom or dad.
And not only did you keep the incident a secret, you also disciplined the kids that were not yours... AND that is now is secret as well...I know my DD, she would probably tell me at one point or another about being put in time out by a friend's mom and spill the beans on "the secret" and I would be pretty pissed about what you did if I found out that way (especially with the embellishments that may come along with that).

In addition I have a few other issues with you disciplining the children like you did. The first graders didn't even know the word or it's meaning, how were they supposed to know there was a rule about not saying it. I think any first grader would ask you not to tell their mom that they did something that you deem time-out worthy. I don't mind my DD being disciplined in a reasonable manner, but I would expect that she is being told the rules before you hold her responsible for breaking them.

I think an appropriate way of action would have been to explain to everyone that you do not accept that kind of language in your home and if they use it again, they would receive a time out. Give a fair warning to everyone who may not be familiar with your rules (unless you made them clear at the beginning of the playdate).
NEVER offer a child that is not your to keep anything a secret. It is not healthy for kids to learn that they can have secrets with other adults from mom and dad. This is how predators groom children (not implying anything here) - it makes them vulnerable.

Always be upfront with the parents. tell them what happened, that way they can talk to their kids. Not every family has an issue with cursing, but they can tell their children not to use curse words in other people's houses.
Good luck.

Words only have the power we give to them. This was only a big deal because you made it into one. When my kids say a "bad" word, I will explain that some people may find that word offensive or inappropriate and they should not use it, but I don't punish them for saying it. If you had simply told them that it was not an okay world and to not say it none of the tears or lying would have happened. You made it into a bigger deal then it needed to be, JMO.

P.S. if the kids are old enough to be in school then they have heard such words. whether they have told you about it or not.

Overboard.
Why the heck did the first graders get in trouble for saying a word they don't have a clue about?
I would have said to the first graders "where did you hear that?"
When they responded "your son." I would have asked him the same thing.
No matter the answer, I would have told them ALL that its nie a word we allow in THIS house.
That response would have been the same EVEN if Boone ratted anyone out.
Then they would've all been on the same page.
Then I would have returned them to the yard and kept my ears peeled for infractions.
Upon pick up, I would have told the other mom that we had to review the apropriateness of a word, beginning with F, as it was being used in the yard and the little ones were repeating it.

I'll bet they were GOOD and CONFUSED after that ordeal! Lol

Oh--BTW--your older O. is at the age where he'd rather get a punishment than be a tattletale!

You made a big big deal out of a pretty normal kid infraction. I personally would never put another parents kid in time out, for anything. Punishment is for parents to decide.

I would have told the kids we do not allow that type of language in our house and if you want to keep coming over you'll have to speak respectfully. Then I would have told the Mom what happened as a heads up not blaming any particular kid just saying they were using bad language.

If your kids have never heard the word (highly unlikely for the eight year old) why did your son come in and tell you the little ones used the F word? Don't make such a big deal out of words or you'll send the message that they are more powerful then they are.

Too much.
Plus the situation came about as entrapment.
The kid who started the whole "spell b-u-c but put an f where the b is" thing knew what he was doing.
All you had to say was 'That's not a nice word and we don't use it. If anyone says it again I'll be telling your parents that we all seem to have a swearing problem and they can decide what to do about it.".

My 2 cents...Personally I think it might have been a slight overreaction given your kids have never heard it before and probably didn't even know it was not nice to say. I think I would have explained to them it's not a nice word and they should not use it. And for the other kids, I would do the same. If mom and dad use it explain that still doesn't mean that it is appropriate to use. I would want to know so I could reinforce it but I don't know what the parents are like so that's a call you have to make. And this is likely just the beginning...Kids hear things at school and bring them home but it's up to us to teach them what is appropriate and what's not.

Sometimes, our wanting to get to the bottom of something results in just too much talking.

Swear words are everywhere. It's a little like your kid catching a cold and then trying to trace the virus back to its source.

When there's any sort of misbehavior during playdates, I don't ask who started it. It's simply "Hey, I hear/see that X is happening, and this needs to stop now. I don't care who started it or how it got started, it needs to stop. Any more of this and we'll need to make a different plan in how you spend your time-- and *I* will get to choose."

That's always enough to solve the problem. I might ask my son about what happened after the fact, when it's just us, and then-- at the next playdate with those particular kids, remind them of the reasonable expectations we have at our home at the beginning of that playtime.

You know, too, that by forgiving the boy of his punishment, you will have to be consistently firm with him in the future. He DID start it and was the only one not punished. He knew it was a wrong word and lied to you. Be careful not to feel so sorry that you don't follow through with him. He needs guidance and love, certainly-- and he equally needs adults to be consistent with him. Go forward with this in mind.

I would think that most 8 year-olds have heard the word! Most first graders, too. They knew it was bad and were testing limits.

Next time, try saying - 'we don't use that language in this house' in a stern voice. Then say 'if you use it again I will have to call your mom to come and get you.' No reason to make them cry. It's only a word.

I don't mind the hugging either. Lots of my kids' friends give me a hug sometimes. But I also think you probably over reacted and made it too complex. If this had been my children and the mom told me what happened, I'd have also said it was fine,she did the right thing etc bc I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings or start an argument or weirdness but I actually would have thought that too much was made of the incident. One of my daughter's good friends started the say duck with an f thing at our house when they were about 7. I just said sternly "you don't say that" etc and casually mentioned it to her mom. I wasn't going to discipline her for it. My daughter hasn't said it since, about a year later now. I'm not going to get all worked up about what some other kids are saying unless it becomes so bad I don't want my kids being friends with them anymore.

I'm not a big fan of punishing someone else's children. In this instance, I probably would've asked if they said it and that its not an appropriate word to use, especially in this house.

My daughter was 3 at dinner at a restraunt when her 5 yo brother knocked his fork on the floor and she said, "smooth move jackass". I was shocked and asked her where she heard it. She was deer in the headlights b/c she really had no idea what she'd said but knew by my look that she shouldn't have said it. I'm not perfect and am sure I had sworn in front of my children, but knew that wasn't a phrase I would've used. Her brother fessed up that he told her it, but she was supposed to put it in the vault. He'd heard it at school, but again didn't really understand the reference. I looked at it as a learning opportunity rather than punishing either of them.

ohh you went on and on about it. i got tired reading this. i would have just dropped it. no kids of mine get time outs. if somebody else's kids say or do something that is not appropriate i tell the parents but i don't create any kind of situation when parents are not around.

I'm a part time nanny for two different families, but the kids are a bit younger. They are 5, 3, and 1. I caught the 5 year old saying a swear word once and I caught the 3 year old saying a swear word once. In both instances I just told them that the word in question was a naughty word and that if I heard them say it again they would get a time out. They didn't know that the word was a bad word, just that they had heard their parents say it. So in your situation, I would have given them all a warning not to say that word because it is naughty (Since you stated that they did not word that the word was bad it was unfair to give them a time out straight away). Then if I caught them saying it again, everybody would get a time out.

I think you handled it great. You were in the trenches of parenthood and made the tough decisions. If I were the parent of any of the friends, I would think you did well. Makes me mad that anyone would say that word to a kid.
I think that kid will trust and respect you now, and will need you in the future.

To the first graders: "That is a rude word that we do not use here. If you didn't know it was rude, I get that, but don't say it again now that you know it is. If you try it out again and I hear you, the play date's over. Now go on back out and play." (Even better suggest something for the two first graders to do that they would do WITHOUT the third graders an in another place.)

To the third graders: "I know the younger kids don't know this word. However they heard it, I don't care. It won't get said again by anyone or the play date is over. I hold you older kids responsible and if I find you've said it -- or tricked younger kids into saying it -- the responsibility is on YOU and not on them. Now go play and don't let me hear it again." (Then have them play something away from the younger kids.)

Kids ARE going to do this. It is eternal. Older kids will try to trick younger ones. But time outs and long interrogrations and secret promises just create drama that ratchets up the whole situation and goes on far too long. I wouldn't have "gently explained" anything but just have announced very clearly and firmly that the word is unacceptable and anyone's saying it again will end the play date immediately.

I would not put another person's kid in time out unless I had charge of that child for a substantial amount of time and the infraction was more serious than this. Also, I would never advise telling a child you'll keep a secret like this one. It sets the kid up for the idea that it's OK to have guilty secrets with adults....which is not a good idea to get started.

I think too much was made of it. I would've explained that we don't talk like that and if I heard about anyone saying a bad word again, the playdate would be over and parents would be advised of the bad language. I wouldn't punish another person's kid - I would call parents/send them home and let mom/dad deal with punishment.

wow, lots of negotiating and investigating and renegotiating and digging and punishing and reconsidering!
grilling kids scares them and makes lying far more likely than a conversation would. i don't like lying, and don't want to encourage kids to do so, so i try not to create circumstances that encourage them to lie.
it seems pretty clear that the little guys heard the word somewhere, knew it was naughty, but had no clue why.
i'd have sat all four of them down, explained simply but sternly that certain words are absolutely unacceptable, and that under no circumstances would they be tolerated in my house. i'd have told the other kids that i would let their mother know about our conversation (because i would. would you not be pissed if you were the other mom and had it concealed from you?) but i would not present it in a threatening fashion.
then i'd turn 'em all out again and assume confidently that they would abide by my rules.
and they would.
khairete
S.

When I was 6, my brother told me to say daffy duck with F starting the words, and go say it to my mom.

I got spanked with a wooden spoon. She didn't care that I didn't know it was bad.

Sounds like you handled it well.

I think you did just fine -- including the hug!

Ok, first to some kids it's not "just a hug" my son has told me hugs make him feel uncomfortable. So hugging him yea would have made me mad. Did you ask the boys if you could? Doubt it...as far as placing the kids in time out big NO I don't feel that's your place to discipline others kids. You should have called the parents and had them come get them. NOT beat a dead horse and make the kids so upset to the point of tears!

The hugging is just fine. If a parent thinks you shouldn't be hugging their kid, then they shouldn't send them for playdates - shows distrust for you, and I actually would not want to have their child over if they felt that way...

The problem I have with how this all transpired is that you promised not to tell the mommy, and you did. NEVER promise not to tell the mommy, even if there are tears. You cannot keep a promise like this, and you shouldn't make a promise like this.

These kids don't understand the meaning of the F word. They just know it's naughty, and they are feeling their oats. It's up to you to say "We don't say or spell that word. Ever. Do you understand me?" Then you tell them that if it happens again, you will send them ALL home immediately. No more discussion. Of course, you call the parents and ask them to tell their kids why they cannot say the F word.

Instead of giving separate children the 3rd degree, have the discussion with the group and be STERN about it. They will try to say "Not me, it was him" and you ignore that and continue with the whole thing.

The thing is, sometimes you have to act like you're the Army. If one person screws up, everyone gets in trouble. They will stop each other from misbehaving if they all pay the price for things they aren't supposed to do.

Just to let you know, when my kids asked me what the F word meant, I said to them "It's the WORST word in the history of bad words. The absolute worst!" Their eyes got really big. (My son did spell it - he knew not to say it, but just didn't know why...) Fast forward a month later, I was standing on the sidelines of the soccer field with another mom, and my son said to her children in front of us "Did you know that the F word (he spelled it) is the WORST word in the history of bad words?" I thought I would die. The other mom was as shocked as me, but understood that little kids say all kinds of things. And yes, my son and I had another talk...

Dawn

I would have just told them that they aren't supposed to say bad words, and then leave it at that. And you never know who told who about the bad words, because no matter the subject, boys share what they know!! You will probably be in this situation many times, so I'd just keep it short and sweet.

Unless your kids are home schooled and never leave your side I promise you they have heard that word before, probably many times.
I only had this kind of thing happen once, when my daughter called someone a "pussy." She was five at the time, and needless to say I was shocked, as that's a word we never use, especially in that context. She couldn't remember where she heard it, she didn't even really understand what it meant. So I CALMLY talked to her about how it was a yucky word, not a nice thing to say, etc. and she never used it again, problem solved.
All you really needed to do was let them know that was a word that you don't allow in your home and move on from there. Unless the kids are total brats they will listen and respect your rules.

I think if your kids haven't really heard that word (or knew what it meant) I think punishing them isn't the best way to go about it. My 5 year old came down stairs and said it once. We do not use that kind of language in our home, ever. So, I asked him where he heard that from. He said his friend at school said it. I asked him if he knew what it meant. He said no. I told him it's not a nice word and it's not something we say in our home. ever. I told him if he said it again he would be in trouble. I also told him that just because his friend at school said it, does not make it ok for him to say it. He agreed and now that he knows it's a bad word, he has not said it since.

I would still let the mom know what happened. I would also let her know where he heard it from. Maybe it will help her to watch her language. Maybe it's ok in their home to use words like that. Some people are ok with that.

You did great. :) I do agree with Dawn that you shouldn't have said you wouldn't tell...never lie to a child, because that teaches them that it's okay to lie back to use whenever it's convenient. But overall, the way you initially handled it was great.

I only want to address one thing...I truly feel sorry for any child whose mother doesn't want other mothers hugging them. Sad, sad, sad. The world is bad enough as it is, and now we're going to deny our children anyone's affection but our own? Sounds a bit insecure...about your own child? The more loving mamas who actually CARE about what comes out of their children's mouths, aren't afraid to dole out a little discipline...the better. And if they want to share some affection with MY children? GREAT!!! THE MORE HUGS THE MERRIER!!!

I think you spent a lot of time trying to get to the bottom of the issue, which shows that you care and are trying to be fair. It probably would have been simpler to tell them as a group that its a bad word and if you heard anyone say it again they would get punished and leave it at that. But there's no right or wrong answer here and I think you did just fine!

Its sad that other mothers wouldn't want their child punished or hugged at a friends house. I mean its just a time out for crying out loud!! When I watch my neighbors kids or vice versa we expect the best behavior from our kids and also expect correction if they are misbehaving. And certainly nothing wrong with a hug to a sad child! If you are not comfortable with a time out or a hug then you are not comfortable leaving you child under that persons care and shouldn't do it.

I think you did the right thing.

And I commend you for being empathetic and sharing a hug (which I'm sure you wouldn't have given if he looked uncomfortable).