Depression or Time to Separate?

I know how you feel. I suffer from depression too. And there are times to separate for your own health and safety as well as the well-being of your child. But separation isn't permanent and doesn't have to lead to divorce. You could just give some emotional distance (treat your husband like a room-mate). Get some breathing room.

If I may... if you are feeling constantly irritated with your husband, you may want to take a hard look at your expectations of him. If your expectations are too high, it causes stress. If you have a need and he can't/won't fill it, you'll have to evaluate the need and see if it can be filled by someone else. Need to get out or talk? call a friend. Need to have some fun? plan your own.

You are not powerless or helpless in this situation. Focus on the positive things, even the little things. Remember what you like about him, what you like about your child, your work, your self. Depression can snowball if we're not careful. It may be helpful to sit and make a list of things he does well, things you can compliment him on. Add to the list as often as possible. Find a copy of the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs it's very eye-opening.

Take care and good luck!
-B. M-

Not to be a nay sayer, but you really should reconsider your parenting technique. It sounds to me as though there is no adult time because there is this little person always there. Find a baby sitter and go out for a date night!! At three I would also think that your child is a little old to be sleeping in your bed...tends to interfere with your intimate connection with your spouse and ultimately leads to zero intimacy with your spouse. Not to get personal about this, but have you found that perhaps this might be the case? Now I am by no means a professional in the counseling field but I think perhaps you should start with removing your child from you bed at night and get back to basics with your husband!!! Just because you are parents doesnt mean that you have to give up dates and alone time with each other especially behind your own door. i bet if you talk to him...he will tell you that this is an issue...mr. mom or not.

I have been married since 1986, we have had good and bad times together. We almost separated in 2005. I too suffer from depression @ times and so does he.

A couple of things that have helped. ( we are doing well mostly all the time right now)

1. I focus on what I do like and praise it regularly
2. I do not talk with others negatively about him unless it is some one who is really there to be objective and want to help.
3. The book How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together.
4. Pray together.
5. Spend some time however small with just the 2 of you. ( this one is hard we both work, we have 4 kids and we do attachment parenting.)
6. Get exercize, when I walk regularly and get outside I have a brighter prespective on everything.
7. Make it a game to do one loving thing for him every day with no expectation of return. Get creative. Even if you are not feeling "in love" it can help you to feel that way over time and it can be fun.
8. When I feel like yelling or screaming I walk over and tenderly give him a kiss on the cheek instead. Some how that makes me feel better too.
9. Do something every day to be loving to yourself. This makes all the difference in the world.
10. Start a blessings journal, every day write down what was a blessing.
11. Start a friendship with and really get to know some one you feel has a good marriage, so you have some one to talk to.
12.Ask for one very very small request from him a day, but don't get mad if you don't get what you asked for, just use it for practice asking for what you need.
13.Invest the time while you are falling asleep visualizing your lives together as you want them.
14. Improve your diet so that you are eating no junk at all, lots of healthy protein and veggies, your outlook will get better.

Most of all, make the decisions you need to make, but make them when you are not in the midst of a deep depression. Often we hate our spouses when we are hating ourselves most. Is is possible that he also is suffering from depression? When both of you have the issue it is harder.

The fact that you are questioning whether it is depression or a problem with him, tells you likely it is depression. LIkely there are issues with the 2 of you too, but likely depression is the biggest issue. I have found over time that much of my problems with my husband is actually the way I was seeing and dealing with things and not him at all......this may or may not be the case with you. I am not advocating staying in dangerous abusive situation, but that does not sound like what is going on here.

Hi R.. Well, we have a lot in common. We got married in 2003 also. I couldn't stand him anymore. hated the way he even breathed, sat in the chair, cleared his throat..everything. I've always been the working parent (as an RT) and my husband stayed at home. We are now seperated and I feel like I have my life back. Our little guy is almost four. It was hard for him the first month, but we have temporary joint custody and he's fine with it. It's alot of work for us as parents because I have to see his dad so often with drop offs, and pick ups, but its best for our son. We did attachment parenting too and he sleeps where ever he wants. Your son will be just fine. My son adores his dad and has spent so much time with him I couldn't ask for full custody. Good luck to you:} J.

Without going into a long story about my husband and I's rocky past, I wanted to share what I've learned.

You will know. If/when you are ever ready to leave your husband, you will know. The fact that you took the time to ask other people what they thought, means you're probably not ready.

It will not matter what other people say or think, when/if you're ready to call it quits for good, it will be like a light bulb has gone off.

I made the mistake of "calling it quits" with my husband (more than once) when I wasn't 100% sure. That's hard because then my husband just thought he could never do anything right, and if I was unhappy I'd leave. And he was right, I got so used to just saying "I'm done", that I didn't try to work through anything anymore because leaving was easier.

If you have family or friends you can stay with, I think it would be fair to take some time to yourself and stay with them for maybe a few days or a week. Clear your head, try to figure out what the root of the problem is. I know with depression, that it's not always easy to determine what is making you upset.

Also, for me, things didn't really get better until I got my medication figured out. I recommend having a psychologist prescribe antidepressants over a regular physician. That made a HUGE difference for me. I've been taking/trying different antidepressants for 10 years and it didn't really help until I saw a professional. I see Linda Morley in Salem (not sure where you are).

Good luck.
Best Wishes.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I recall reading several of your earlier posts, and have noted some common themes. My intent is not to attack or offend you, but rather to help you look at your situation through a different lens.

In your "a little bit about me" statement, everything is in the first person singular (I, my) rather than the plural (we, our). Does your husband feel as strongly about attachment parenting? He is doing the lion's share of the parenting. What is his parenting philosophy? You describe your son as wonderful. Certainly a good portion of your son's positive traits are a result of the parenting his father has provided. Do you let your husband know you think he is doing a good job? You state that you worry about lack of control over discipline and parenting issues issues if you were to divorce. It sounds like you want to control how your husband parents, or that you don't really trust his as a parent. In previous posts, you have written about your husband letting your son watch too much TV or not providing as much stimulation as you would like. Every person parents in their own way. I have a tendency toward perfectionism and thinking my way is the "right" way. Is this true for you, as well? It was hard for me to let go, and let my husband parent as he saw fit. Later, looking back, I realized my issues were pretty unimportant in the overall scheme of things. Our children have grown into wonderful young adults; smart, caring, hard-working and independent. My husband and I still have a strong relationship, and are adapting to our newly empty nest. Remember, if you do a good job, they grow up and leave you. The time goes by so quickly. How was your relationship before your son was born? Would you want to regain that?

Other things to consider: Is co-sleeping with a 3 year old impinging on your intimacy? Do you and your husband do things together, independent of your son? Does your husband enjoy being a stay at home parent, or is he also suffering depression or loss of self esteem? Does he have meaningful activities and relationships outside of your family? Do you have that as well? Do you think less of him as a man for being a say at home dad? Would you both be happier if he were also working? If you were to separate or divorce, what would the child care arrangements be?

I second the other posters suggestion to find a therapist you both feel is effective in helping you. Treat the depression, and see if that changes your feelings about your husband. I hope you can find some answers, and start feeling better about your life.

I've followed your posts for a while now, and I'm not surprised to see this one coming. What about a trial separation? It's hard to separate what is depression and what is life; I know, I have anxiety and teasing the strands apart is very difficult. You are not signing up for divorce, or a broken home, or custody issues or all of that--yet. If you take some time for yourself, in your own living space, for a trial separation, you might just gain the clarity you need. And your husband might, too. I would also check to make sure you don't have SSRI "poop out," which is when meds for depression/anxiety just stop working. Google it and you'll see. I wish you the best on this difficult journey.

I had feelings like that about my husband for a while. Then I read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The basic idea in the book is that it's not enough to love a person; you have to chose to love them in a way that they can absorb and process the love. It helped me understand the dynamics of our relationship better, and we were able to find the niches that connected us in the first place. I highly recommend it.

Hi, R.,

I have some quick thoughts. You say you are both in therapy and not making any progress and that you find yourself resenting your husband and you are dealing with possible depression-- you have a very full plate!! I do, however, see some options. Perhaps a different therapist? Perhaps a game plan for individual therapy and couples and maybe a planned separation. My brother and his wife hit bottom last year and were all set to divorce. They wrote out the whole divorce and parenting plan and did things logically at times and spitefully at other times. Then they agreed to try another therapist while separated and came up with a game plan. They tried living together for brief periods and are now back together full-time and happier than ever. It can happen. My situation was entirely different because I was in an abusive marriage and being out from under the same roof and with lots of boundaries (restraining order helped), I can see things more clearly. I was terrified and miserable in my marriage, but, now as hard as it is, I am so much better off. I don't know your situation like you do, but it does sound like you could use some more supports than what you currently have. Work on the depression and gain some distance if only for a short while. This is a difficult time for you. I hope you can find a good therapist and the help that you need. Please update us when you can. Take care and all the best to you!

Marriage is hard, parenting is hard, and with depression it is nigh impossible some days. I feel your pain. Wish I had an answer.

R.,

It is your job to be the heart of the home, to be loving, caring, and nuturing to your family. It is your husband's job to be the head of the family. This means that you support your husband and not the other way around. Whatever happens to your husband happens to your family, in other words if you are walking around unhappy around your husband and he feels neglected than your family will all feel that too. If we are striving to support our husbands with their home life then we all will feel the rewards.

It sounds pretty tough because you want things to work out between you and your husband as long as you feel like you are getting more than what you are getting right now. It's hard to see the effect you have and the power you have as a wife because what you do really matters.

If you stop and look for all the things you are thankful for instead of noticing what you don't appreciate you can be a blessing in his life and in return your family's life. Ask yourself if you had everything just the way you wanted it would it really make you happy if that's not what your husband wants for the two of you too? If you are working together it's not about thinking you are listening to your husband and supporting him even though he's not showing you he appreciates it, rather being compassionate, nuturing, and understanding through all the ups and downs each day brings.

Don't be blinded by life's perception of you and your husband's marriage, instead try something new like a completely different idea that belongs to your family. Focus on bringing new light into every situation in ways you wouldn't typically think of, such as instead of a bare table put new decorations on the table for dinner. Another might be changing the time you eat or deciding one night it's family movie night and make some sugar kettle corn on the stove (http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Kettle-Corn/Detail.aspx).

I hope you have really fun holidays with your family. after you have done your best for the day supporting your husband and family take a deep breath and relax with a candle, bath, or tea, and give your self a break! Change often takes time and learning to support your husband and seeing happiness in your family is worth all the love you bring.

Take Care,
G.

Your occupation adds to your despair, a valued vocation, angels on earth providing for cancer patients, but it can wear on you. It makes it hard. You mention you might have depression, have you talked with your physician about this? Have you considered medication to see if might help? I know you say support extended breast feeding, and if your son is still nursing this might be one of the reasons you're not getting the meds you need. I get extremely short tempered with my husband when he doesn't do things the way I need to have them done, half done jobs. This list could go on and on. But at the same time, there's the other list of all the things he does do 'right'. With your husband being a stay at home dad, it complicates matters. First you need to recognize that he is definitely unique. Most men would not, could not do what he's doing by caring for his toddler son. It's not easy on him either. It maybe that he needs to get out of the house and work away from home for the social interaction and sense of worth for himself. Working opposite shifts from one another would provide your son with continuous parent supervision, it just puts a strain on your relationship, you have to make sure that the time you have to spend together as a family is family time, not Disneyland time where everything is fun and frolic, but chores, meals, and the occasional fun trip. Co-sleeping does put the skids on the time you would have with your husband, giving him and you the one on one adult time you need. Loving your husband is one of the greatest gifts you can give your son, and your husband loving and caring for you is his gift to his son as well. See your physician. At 39 you may be experiencing peri-menopause, and that exasperates the depression. All of this is treatable. As your chemo patients have come to realize, better living through chemistry.

I can't answer your first question, but I'd like to give you a few insights about divorce, should this be the route you chose.

I grew up with a mother who had married three times before I left home. (She's on #5 now.) Without going into details, I can say with certainty that the times the adults were upset/quarreling with each other were far worse than the times we spent living and being parented by one parent. The tension and stress were tangible when those marriages were ending, and divorce, though sad, was a relief for myself and my siblings.

Consider rethinking the idea of 'one broken home'; try perceiving it as two homes for a child whose parents are each whole and happier. This takes a lot of work on everyone's part.

For what it's worth, I also have a previous marriage behind me. We did not have children involved, but I can tell you that it took me nearly a year of 'considering leaving' before I was finally willing to admit the marriage had failed and to take positive steps toward going forward in life.

If you are on the fence about things, I'd suggest seeing a psychotherapist who can correctly assess depression as a chemical issue as opposed to to the strong likelihood that you may indeed be feeling depressed because you are staying in an unhealthy situation. I don't know which of those is true for you, but a counselor (just for you, not to save the marriage, but to help you solely) can really help.

My heart goes out to you, whatever you are working through, this is a singularly tough time. Please take good care. Make the choices you need to make for your family to feel well again,(even if it means not being together).

Sounds like you two need to stop running around with your heads cut off. get a babysitter for one night and try to spend some quality time together. you have to remember why you fell in love. sometimes life gets in the way and well you forget. you need to get into his heart and stop fighting over little things like, who dose more and who dose less. your not always going to like everything about your spouse. its what you can deal with. if you cant deal with what he has to dish out, and you know your gonna be misserable. get out. if you still want it to work out. then get some quality time. if the quality time turns out to be a fight then, you need to debate on whats best for you and your son. sometimes the right thing isnt so easy. you will know you did the right thing when you are happy. i hope that helps.

Wow, not an easy spot to be in.
Depression is hard and it can cloud everything.
I am an acupuncturist and I do a little talking in
each treatment also. You may find that to be helpful.
Or even some counseling on your own.
Sometimes getting clarity within makes it easier to say what you need and want.Plus, practicing saying your piece without him in the room may help.
I do not see in your post that your husband is doing anything "wrong" just that you 2 got in a bad spot and you can't seem to get out.
It would be sad to toss out a good guy because you two can't seem to connect.
If this counselor is not getting you where you need to go find another. Counselor, Acupuncturists and AA meetings if the first one does not work try another!!!
If you are interested in some additional support, de-stress
and help with the depression please feel free to call me.
I am on most insurance plans.
M. Hawkins, LAc
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PS-this may sound funny but well, it sounds like to me you are witholding something you have been wanting to say. Or many things and once the flow btwn you is jammed up it is hard to feel connected. If you want to make it work you really have to get yourself all the way in there and "dance like no one is watching." It is important to realize you have nothing to lose putting yourself fully in.
At this point it is an a time you cannot afford to not be fully in.
This last part may or may not fit you. I only have your little post to go by. But, it is a pattern I have seen for years with others. So, take what you need and leave the rest!

I really think this is a common thing in marriage. It is something not talked about, and something we are not often taught, that marriage is boring, tough, and sometimes you feel like you don't even like this person anymore. The other thing I've found about marriage is that sometimes you change and grown, but your spouse does not and it is easy to grow apart as you really become different people. I mean, no one is the same person at 20 that they are 40. So that makes marriage hard too. When I look around at the mom's I know - the one's who have stayed married...are they totally happy with their husbands? Not entirely, it's an ongoing process to learn to live with these guys, and you have to constantly be thinking of the positive - because the negative comes to easily and it can build and build upon itself until you get to the point where you feel it just isn't worth it anymore. My husband currently drives me nuts because he is a work-a-holic, and when he isn't working he is training his dogs and figuring out when his next hunting trip will occur. He is no fun, can't relax, and it is tough to have a good time with him. I have definitely let this get to me, become depressed, gained weight...but really when it comes right down to it, I am the one with the problem. I (and we all do) need to make our own happiness....we can never expect it from someone else (especially a guy!!) I have to find what makes me happy and concentrate on the things my husband does do, holding a good job, or the small things he does like make dinner (occasionally) or fix things around the house. I do not advocate staying with a partner who is emotionally, physically, verbally or financially abusive! This is not healthy for anyone...but when it comes to just annoyance, loneliness, boredom...these are not reasons for divorce - they are reasons to look at yourself and figure out what will make you happy. What will make your son happy is a Mom and Dad who have stuck it out through the ups and down, and a Mom who knows how to find happiness in something ( a job, a hobby). No matter what guy you are with, there will always be these ups and downs (and sometimes the hill down can go way, way down) I hope I don't sound like I am preaching, because I am really in the same boat as you are, I am way down at the bottom of my hill and am struggling to hike back up to some feeling of happiness - but when divorce crosses my mind, there is so much more negative to that and it doesn't change me as person, I realize the change has to come from within myself to help this work itself out. I'm also not saying that your husband does not have to participate in making the marriage work - he does! and from what I've read here finding a good councilor can help... but as for your own happiness...this comes from you and only you. Take care!

Rebeccah,

Go look at the website http://www.emofree.com.

Counseling is great; EFT offers another tool you can use to quickly shift old patterns. For free you can learn how to use it on yourself. As a parent, you will also find it a valuable tool in many situations.

Everyone in your family deserves to feel loved,

L. Crunick

I cannot analyze the situation, but my first instinct is that it sounds like you have the momma blues (I am sure you know what that is) have you tried addressing the depression first, and has that had any impact on your behavior towards your husband? He sounds pretty great to me if he is the stay at home daddy (of course I don't know him.)

Sometimes frustration with our own lives (even the struggles internally or subconsciously) can interfere with how we see the world and others - especially ones in close quarters. I would consider what it is about him that irritates you, is it a behavior based on circumstance or situation, or is it based on his character traits? Try to remember the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place. Pressure and circumstance can bring out the worst in folks sometimes. I would consider these things first to try to save your marriage...and your sons family. Kudos for therapy...what does your therapist think about this?

I would like to recommend my new favorite movie - "Not Easily Broken"...a testament to what a true marriage should be in times of trouble...so much wisdom in this movie. Not to mention Morris Chestnut is so nice to look at!!

I am not a professional, but looking outside in, and as a single parent who is still alone and wanting a daddy for my 9 year old twin sons, May God Bless your situation with insight and guidance. May peace be with you.

Hi R.,

I have read your post and - although I am a man - feel very much like responding to you because I have been in the exact same situation and know how it feels. We married in 2002 and have a 4 year old son which I love more than anything else. Our relationship had its ups and downs already before he was born but since he was there the energy between my wife and me had literally vanished - in all accounts. I can agree to almost every single statement you made in your post including the depressions I have also been diagnosed with - recently and way too late - and for which I am finally in treatment successfully.

There are several points in your post to which I really would like to exchange my experience with you, especially since I was at the exact same place and I had (and partially still have) the same worries. Let me know if you are interested, I would be happy to hear from you.

All the best,

H.

PS: I never knew when to let go and I guess one never knows. I have loved my wife madly and given myself up way too far and was simply unable to "let go". We have separated after I realized that it couldn't continue anymore because I was not any longer able to bear it. One thing I couldn't bear was her yelling at and fighting with me all the time and also in my sons presence. Those were the worst things. What didn't help was that I still loved her and knew that she was NOT a bad person at all, I never disliked her and still don't do and I knew she was hurting and suffering as well. However, the following two years were pure hell, especially for me because she made them hell and just now, since about another year, things are getting significantly better and we found peace. I STILL think of her lovingly sometimes and wish I was back at that loving place I once was. But I know now that it would have never worked forever. The peace that is arriving now is better, for her, me and my son. She's over all of that since months and months, I was not. There is nothing worse than letting things go and go and go. However, I am NOT telling you to leave him, not now at least, but I would be happy to share my experience. Nobody who has not been at this place has any idea how it feels.

Hi R.,

I am sorry that you are struggling right now. I would recommend talking with the therapist you are seeing as a couple about your feelings and get their opinion on the depression issue. For myself, I always try to solve issues within myself first before making them an issue of us (me and my husband) as a couple, but that is just me.

Also, I would recommend reading a book by John M. Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He is a well known relationship researcher and this book points out some key issues with traditional marriage counseling and has some very practical ways to look at marriage. Since marriage counseling doesn't seem to be working for you, maybe you could consider that it is not your marriage that is doomed to fail but the counseling you are both getting that is not working for you. I am not saying that the counseling is bad or that your marriage can definitely be saved, just that looking at things from all sides can sometimes be helpful.

He also wrote a book called And Baby Makes Three, which might be helpful you.

I personally have also learned that for me to not feel lonely I have to be proactive about getting out with girlfriends and my husband. I can't expect my husband to be my only social contact. It is overwhelming for and unfair to him. The same is true for him as well. We didn't realize this until he spent time working from home, no office to go to and people to see outside of my and our son. It took him awhile to miss the interactions because was still chatting with co-workers online and such. The face to face time with other people is important for both sexes. You are going to work and seeing coworkers and patients, but what about purely social interactions for both you and your husband. Just a thought.

Good Luck,
S.

Hi, I was just reading your post and I couldn't help but let you know about this weekend that would change your marriage..It's called Marriage restore and it's the best program out there. They teach you valuable ways to learn how to communicate and get through those types of problems in your marriage..I will tell you from experience the testimonies I have herd from this program are outrageous. So if your interested here is the information. They have them all over the northwest and you can get on this site and it will tell you where they are all located and the times.

www.marriagerestored.com

Hope this helps. If you would like to talk to someone here is a great couple Dallas and Carol Nielsen ###-###-####

R.,
Yes it sounds like it is time to let go. Your depression could be coming from the lack of happiness where you are now. It seems sad that your son will have to go through the chaotic life of going with his dad then with you BUT this is how you have to think about it: if he grows up in the unhappiness, he will learn to be unhappy. If it will make you smile, make you get out and enjoy life, you need to leave to show him that is the way like is... not sad and depressed. If you are that miserable, your husband probably is too. As sad as it seems that something wonderful has to end, it sounds like it is best to call it quits. If you have any doubts what so ever in your heart, you may want to try to do it on your own and live it for a while before filing for divorce and see how it is and how you will feel. The little boy will bounce back. It won't bother him as he is still little and probably won't remember you 2 being together. They bounce back easily.
I will tell you that I stayed in an abusive marriage for 17 yrs thinking that it was best for the kids that they needed both a mother and a father... boy was a wrong. When they get older, trust me.... it affected them seriously. Had I left when I really wanted to and should have left, I think that they would have all turned out so much better. I prayed for yrs and yrs that god would take me out of that and give me a 2nd chance at life. Well he did alright. I am now married to a wonderful wonderful "angel" with a 3 yr old in which I birthed when I was 45. Life is so wonderful now. So there is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better. I just hate to see anyone go through life feeling miserable when they don't have to feel that way.
I see that you are a nurse. Do you work at the Kaiser hospital in Clackamas? My husband is a nurse and works there. We do travel nursing.
Good luck to you and I hope that you find your happiness in life that you deserve whether it is to stick it out with your husband or go on your own.

This is something only you can decide. Do you still love him? All relationships wax and wane, is it just a low spot? I know my husband is not happy if I am not happy, and then he gets irratative, and ends up getting on my nerves. Could this be the case? Could he be reacting to your depression? I know when my husband and I need to reconnect a little mini vacation helps. Do you have a parent or trusted friend that could watch your little one for a weekend? Often when we become parents we forget that we still need to work at being husband and wife, that is why most failed marriages end within 5 years of the birth of the first child. As the couple gets farther apart, they both sit and wait for the other person to be the one to reach out first, to fix it first, until there is nothing left there to fix. Only you can decide if there is still a spark left there to fan, but if there is do not wait for him to start the fanning. Give a little and you may be surprised by what you get in return, I know I was.

Also, have you seen the movie "Fire Proof"? I am not religious at all, but still found this movies look at relationships to be very useful to saving my own broken marriage.

i have been with my husband for 20 years and we have had our ups and downs, What has really helped us is Getting the love you desire and the respect he needs I do not remember who it is by. I would urge you to read the book. You have a 3 year old and should turn over ever leaf before you think about divorce. Try going on some dates with your husband so you can reconnect. Hope the book helps!

I've noticed your message over the past couple months. It sounds like you're getting more and more resigned about the situation. You can try a seperation without divorcing. Just see if it really is best.

And some of the other responders criticisms about your parenting style are off base. It's perfectly fine that your son co-sleeps and that you're practicing AP.

So of course I don't know your situation or the two involved... but I can tell you about my experience. My husband and I had some really rock bottom times in our marriage 7 years ago or so, we tried going to counseling, but it didn't seem to make a difference so we stopped. Things continued to be bad and we decided to try a different counselor. So glad we did! This counselor was able to relate to BOTH of us and really get down to the bottom of what was the problem. Some counselors just listen and then ask questions to help you self reflect... but sometimes you need more than that! We needed a counselor who was very forward and told us how it was! We separated shortly, and continued with individual therapy. A couple months later, we added in a couples session in addition to the continued individual therapy. Eventually we dropped the individual and proceeded with couples therapy. We were only separated for about 2 months because we realized how much we missed eachother. We ended up in therapy with this counselor for 3 years! And we owe him everything for our reconciled marriage! We made a DECISION to do whatever it took to make it work. But it had to be both of us at the same level, or it's unbalanced and it doesn't work. I also found that anti-depressants were extremely KEY in my healing and gave me the motivation to actually work on myself and the marriage. I had tried a few different ones and found just one that actually worked for me. Effexor.

So fast forward to now. Having children the past 3 years has definitely changed dynamics in our marriage. Expectations were not met and when that happens for me, I find myself starting to resent. When resentment is left w/o me dealing with it, it builds to much more and compounds on itself. Plus I've been off anti-depressents during my two pregnancies and so I wasn't dealing with the situation properly. I too was starting to get annoyed with everything about him and he was avoiding me cause I wasn't pleasant to be around anymore. Once I realized that he is who he is, and part of what was bothering me about him right now was that he was just responding to my attitudes and behaviors. Also, when I'm setting expectations on him, it's unfair and of course he's not going to meet all of them. So it's actually MY problem when I get so upset with him for not meeting MY expectation. I remembered something we learned so many years ago in therapy. Expectations lead to dissapointments. So get rid of all expectations and there will be no dissapointments! Also, I decided to get back on Effexor, and WOW have I noticed a difference in my attitude about it all. And because my attitude changed, so has his!

I can't control him. The only thing I can control is ME!

So in close. My suggestions would be try to find a more effective counselor. Perhaps separate if that's necessary to gain a little perspective. But don't just separate knowing that the end result will be divorce! Give it a go with some individual therapy, then some more couples therapy. And if you're not on anti-depressants right now, then get on some. If you're on some, try some differnet ones. And try to get rid of all your expectations!!!

Hope that helped! I wish you all the best in everything!

Hi R.,

I'm in a pretty similar situation, with a son the same age, and me 38, and another baby due in a month, married about 5 years. My husband was staying at home, now he's a student, and he works intermittently, self employed. He's a very haphazard rather immature person and it's hard for him to act totally responsibly. Earlier this year he was lying to me about money, and the scales finally fell from my eyes, for good. Both of us have been depressed for years in our marriage but we were both desperate for the security of a long term relationship. Our depression was literally destroying both of our health over the years, I was very run down and he getting obese.

Counseling never worked for us earlier because he would just nod and say he was trying and that he felt good about things but it was only superficial. When we uncovered the deception about money, I told him he had to move out and support himself for 6 months before I would think about whether or not things could work. That all didn't work out quite like I wanted and I felt squeezed to let him move back in (but in a separate part of the house) temporarily. But it was the only thing that made him realize what a mess he was making of his life and actually take some action about it. He's finally going to a counselor on his own and being more assertive with looking for work and putting effort into his classes, and working on his health.

For me it is too late. I've gotten involved in a group called CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) that has helped me realize what a mess I've made of all my relationships and why, and how to heal myself so that it doesn't keep happening. But for this marriage, I'm afraid that my emotions are completely gone. I agreed to go to a counselor that his parents are paying for, and see what things come out of it, but I have to admit that I have no "wifely" feelings for this man anymore. I just reached my limit with what I could put up with (it's a lot more than what I say above), and that doesn't leave any room for normal every day things that people deal with.

My advice for you would just be to make the time for both of you to go to individual counseling as well as couples counseling. Our couples counselor said that often it happens just this way, with the husband not waking up to the loss and ready to work until the wife has already checked out and is done. I would try to find a counselor for self and for couple that is very solutions oriented. I've been to lots of counselors in my life and none of them except this last one was very effective because they didn't focus on solutions, and didn't get the "diagnosis" right for me (for me it was heavy codependence). I would also tell my husband that things are that serious, that you are about to file for a divorce because you feel miserable and it's not getting better. And it might help to give a time line, 4 or 6 months to see some progress.

A big issue for us was that I was pretty much everything. I worked full time, was responsible for all the bills, and most of the cleaning, errands, and evening childcare. I had to ask for every bit of things that should be shared. There was a lot of chaos. I feel emotionally dead around him and like I want to be away.

Another thing to think about is that there is a time line for spousal support. I think it is that if one spouse supports the other for 7 years, voluntarily or not, they get spousal support.

I wish you the best, and I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope you find a good solution for everyone.

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel lonely and sad. However, I'm glad to hear that you're not sure if it's time to give up on your marriage yet. I can tell you about MarriageTeam...a non-profit organization of couples who are trained to "coach" other couples in communication and relationship skills that can help turn marriages around. My husband and I went to counseling for 6 months and had only one breakthrough. Then we were coached by another trained couple five different times, and every time we were amazed at the problems we could solve and how much closer we felt to each other. Our counseling sessions were $95 each time, twice a month. For coaching, it only costs $160 for 8-12 sessions plus two workbooks that will give you exercises to practice your new skills and tools to work through a variety of issues that couples face. If you and your husband are interested, you can check them out at www.marriageteam.org and click on "About Coaching" and "Request a Coach Couple" on the left hand side of the screen.

I hope you all the best, whatever you decide.

R.,

I don't have any answers for you because I'm wondering the same thing.

At least y'all got into therapy, my bleeping bleeping bleeeeep of a spouse won't even do that. I get a lot of lip service but nothing to improve the marriage one iota.

Wish this were more helpful.
Melissa

Something about him is bothering you. You need to figure out what it is, face it and talk to him about it. Even if the issue cannot be resolved, at least you can work on forgiveness. however, we can't forgive, if we don't know what's bothering us. Sometimes people are afraid to look deep and really see what the real problem is.

I have problems with irritation with my husband and most of the time it's me, not him. I either have an unresolved conflict or something's bothering me that may not even be his fault, but still it's bothering me.

For the baby's sake and each others' it's best to try to work through whatever issues you have, so that you two get get along together again. It may be that one or the other of you isn't being entirely honest about something.

Also, a lot of women have issues with stay-at-home dads. The father that's at home gets looked down on by the wife. Most women cannot handle this. Maybe this is an issue, and your husband needs to go back to work.

Whatever issues you have, if you were to divorce your husband and remarry latter, guess what. All of the unresolved issues will come up again in that marriage - only WORSE! I've seen this happen again and again. You need to resolve and work through your feelings, and your anger towards your husband, instead of running away from it. Often the people we are with bring out the part of ourselves we don't like. When that happens we need to work on those things we don't like about ourselves.

Also, if your counseling sessions aren't working, I suggest going to a different counselor - one that can help more than this one.