Death in Family

D., I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I have dealt with family death's several times. Twice with children involved. I think the best way to handle it is to be open (honest) with your son. Tell him, briefly what happened. I think it's appropriate to include that this happened because the other driver was drunk. But don't get caught up in the anger at the drunk driver. Focus on and share your son's emotions. This does include anger at the drunk but the focus needs to be on the feelings about losing his grandpa.

It may be difficult to know the difference in focus. Perhaps this will help. Often people get so focused on the anger that they don't acknowledge the sorrow. Both are important.

There are several children's books that are about grief. You can find them at the library. One that I like is Freddy the Leaf by Leo Buscalia. I'm not sure that's the correct spelling of his last name. And there's one that is specifically about the death of a grandparent that I read to my granddaughter, Monet, whose other grandma died when she was 5.

This will be such a difficult time for both of you. Be kind to yourself. Remember to focus on your own grief with an adult. This is especially true if you have unresolved issues with your father. Share your sorrow with your son and encourage him to share his with you. Children's feelings are simpler and in the present because they don't have the long years of history that adults have. If you are overwhelmed with grief and anger find someone that he's close to to help you talk with him.

Reassure him that you will always take care of him. He may feel that since his grandpa was killed you might be too. Now is the time for a positive focus on living especially on the fact that you will be alive and will take care of him.

My granddaughter has been concerned about my death since her other grandma died last year. Sometimes I have said that I will some day die but I continue to focus on the fact that I will be alive many more years. When she says, "I want you to live as long as I live," I say I want that too. I do not remind her that it's unlikely. She is needing security not reality.

For you, if he asks, you could say that his grandfather was killed in an accident and then reassure him that you're going to continue taking care of him. You can remind him of the reality that it is very unlikely that you will die. Focus on giving him a sense of security.

I recommend getting involved in a grief support group. The ones I know of for adults are provided by hospitals. There is a good one for kids called Me Too, and Company. Their Portland numbers are ###-###-#### and ###-###-####.

I also think it's usually good for kids to go to the funeral as long as there will be someone to be with them throughout the entire time who is also able to respond to the child's feelings. This may be someone other than yourself because you may be too overwhelmed by your own feelings to help him with his. And you will also be responding to others.

My granddaughter attended my mother's funeral when she was 2 1/2. Most family members were glad to see her there. I think that she was a symbol of the joy that will continue. She was certainly a comfort to me as I held her. Of course, because of her age, being there had no meaning for her. Because my brother objected she did not go to her grandfather's funeral which was a couple of weeks later.

Going to the funeral may be helpful for your son. It is a ritual during which to remember and to say goodbye to his grandpa. Whether or not he will benefit from this ritual depends on his own personality. It is also important that his presence be accepted by others and that he has his own support. Attending is an individual family decision made by adults.

You can also make your own ritual to say goodbye. My friend, whose husband just died, put a picture of him and several things related to his living on a table. She "talked" to him while she was looking at the table. Last week she watched the Oregon/Oregon State game in memory of him. He was an Oregon State alumn and always watched the game. You could do the same sort of things with your son.

Talk about your father and his grandfather, remembering the good times too. Death feels like the end of a relationship but it's not. He will always be alive in your's and your son's mind and soul.

My heart goes out to you.

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D., I'm so sad for your loss. I'm impressed with the heartful and practical advice that others have offered.

I'd like to add one thing: Whenever I'm in emotional pain, I try to consider the long-term effects of my response on the larger world, too. Do I want my struggle to be eventually healed, or do I want my reaction (maybe sorrow, anger, vengeance) to be carried forward by my child or others in the society? In other words, is my pain more important than ongoing happiness?

I hope you will be honest with your son about all you are feeling. You don't need to go into great detail, but if you sometimes find yourself overwhelmed, do mention that you are feeling sad or angry at the situation, not at anything your son has done, and leave space for any questions he might want to ask you. Children will know that you are struggling, but if they don't know the actual content, they might worry that somehow they are the cause of your pain, even when the apparent cause lies somewhere else (as another respondent noted, children are very self-involved).

And this is especially important as you deal with your feelings about the driver at fault. I hope your son will learn from you that it's possible to eventually recover from grief, that it's possible to laugh and find joy even while grieving, that life goes on and life is good, and that it's possible to forgive, for your own well-being, even as the driver moves through the process of justice. A desire for vengeance is exceedingly hard on the soul, and while it's natural to feel that as a result of a loss like yours, it's also a profound gift to yourself and your son if you can move past that.

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I am very sorry for your loss, especially this time of year. Almost a year ago, we lost my father in law. I have seven year old twins. Unfortunately, I found out the same instant they did so I didn't have time to prepare them but I can tell you how they reacted.

They cried naturally but almost immediately they went down to their room and started coloring. Whenever they have to deal, they always color. They pictures were all pictures of Grandpa and it was their way of working through it. By the next day, they were better. Their tears dried. They were more concerned over my husband's loss and comforting him than their own loss.

Kids bounce back fast and they handle it well. I would be honest to your son. I hope you have the family support that you need and if you ever need to talk, I am more than happy to help.

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D., There has been a lot of good advice so far. I'm so sorry for your loss.

My experience that I can share is that I lost my dad suddenly last summer (health-related not accident, but not at all expected). I was upfront with my 8 yr old and 4 yr old that Gpa had died, and that I was very sad about it. I didn't want them to be worried that I was crying so much.

We lost our dog about a year before that, and we had gone and gotten a book about "doggy heaven" so the little one suggested that Gpa might see our dog. I answered that might be possible.

I let them tell me what they thought, and I told them what I believed. I tried not to get too detailed and just let their questions guide my answers.

I also would encourage you to have your son be as involved as he'd like for any funeral/memorials. I told my boys that I'd very much like them to come with me to all that, and they did.

Lastly, I'll just share that resolution of grief does not come any too quickly. Give yourself lots of time and space to feel however you feel - and the same for your son.

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Grandpa went to Heaven, but Mommy (and anyone else who is especially close to him) won't be going anywhere because I'm going to be here to take care of you.

Children are very self-absorbed. They don't really understand death or loss or forever. They are concerned about what will happen to them. When my seven year old niece lost her grandpa, she was very concerned about losing me and my sister. We reassured her that we weren't going to leave her and that seemed to address her fears.

She's thirteen now and only has a vague memory of her grandpa.

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First I am terribly sorry for your loss!! I know you must be feeling so many things especially since it was so unexpected and should have been prevented. Makes me very angry that people do that.
I don't know if you are religious or not but I think that if you just explain that God had a very important job for Grandpa to do and only he could do it. I would stay away from anything about pain or sickness that tends to cause anxiety whenever those things happen to the child. My brother used to do that...everytime he hurt himself and bled he would scream I don't want to die!
I hope that your families wounds heal swiftly and you are able to carry fond memories of your Father.

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My grandmother died when I was around this age or so, and I didn't understand death. I asked my mom a lot of questions. So be prepared to answer questions. I would spare the details, unless your son persists. You know his personality and how he receives information best, so be carefully selective with you words, and honest. Allow his questions to direct how explicit to be with him at this age. He may have more questions in time to come as he develops in understanding. May the Holy One comfort you in your time of grief and bring restoration to your family as you all receive healing. Shalom.

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I would tell him as much as you think he can handle and then focus on all the good memories. Explain that even though he won't see his grandpa, his grandpa will still be there in the good memories, deeds and love that he shared with your son. Maybe even make a shrine with a photo of grandpa, a candle and some other items that represent stuff about your father i.e. interests he had, photographs of him and your son together. My condolences to you. Know that time heals and that the memories will sustain you both.

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I don't know what your beliefs are about spirituality, but they should play a part in your explanation about Grandpa's death. I think the important thing is to be fairly open about the process and not try to shield him too much from it. Death is inevitable and requires engagement in the mourning process, no matter how old you are. When our folks died we had the kids make a card for them and they put it in the casket with something special, it was their chance to say goodbye, and they both did very well.

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I'm sorry you've lost your dad and your son has lost his grandpa, D.. A Sad time...Losing my parents was sad and painful.

Cry and grieve openly with your son and tell him his grandpa has died; he needs to see his mom grieving, I believe, to know that grieving is a natural, healthy way of feeling. Young children don't immediately understand the concept of permanent loss of a special person. He may not have lost anyone before since he's only 7, but hearing the word and discussing it over days, weeks, months, years will begin to help him understand.

There are many well written books about death and losing loved ones that can help you explain and open conversations or questions for him. When a concept is foreign, a child doesn't know how to ask questions.

Your discussions will be based on your personal religious or spiritual beliefs, so I won't comment on how to tell him what you believe about grandpa's spirit or where he has gone. I would like to comment, however, that telling him something that has no proof may later prove unwise. For example "He can see you or hear you talking to him." OR "He'd be unhappy if you cry." I've told my children and grandchildren that 'so-and-so's' spirit will always be with you, if you wish, and you can think hard about grandpa/grandma and that will be a little like being with him/her.

Having photos and stories to tell about all the things that connected your son and you with your dad will be good to talk about too. Remembering the joyful and fun times is good and probably talking about anything that relates to him will be something your son may wish to do.

If he doesn't want to talk about grandpa's death, I think you will be making a mistake with silence. Gentle conversations about difficult issues are healthy. Without forcing or too much conversation tell him that you'd like to talk a little now and then about grandpa and he doesn't have to say anything unless he wants to.

My best to you both now and always, D..

M.

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You have received some wonderful advice here, and I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to tell you that I am SO very sorry about your loss. I'm sure I would be very angry at the person who did this, and also in a tremendous amount of pain. I hope you will find comfort in this difficult time.

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Wow! I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Personally, I think the best thing to do is be honest with your son. Tell him what happened, answer his questions honestly and if he gets emotional comfort him. I remember getting similar news about my cousin when I was that age. Kids understand more than you think. I think it is better to let him cope with the truth now then try to sugar coat it and give him false expectations. Its a hard lesson he has to learn about drunk driving at a young age but you may be able use it somewhat to your advantage-if you choose to do so. I cannot tell you what is best for you and your family but I hope my advice is helpful to you. Best Wishes, ~S.

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Hi D.,

Bless your heart. I can only imagine the sadness and miriad of other emotions you are feeling. My mom died a few years ago, and my heart just goes out to you and your family. I would say that dependent on your beliefs, you could explain that aspect to your child. I was 7 when I lost my grandfather, and my mother said that grandaddy is in Heaven now watching and guiding us. I cried because I missed him and asked that God bring him back. But, my mother was strong and said that grandaddy is home in Heaven now with God. It was very helpful for me to know, and even now I know that my mom and grandfather are together for eternity and find comfort in that. Grief takes time and has many stages. Once we get though the stages and realize the peace that comes with knowing our loved ones are safe, things slowly come together and improve again. May God bless you and keep you, your son and your family wrapped in His arms of Grace.

K

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Oh D. I am so sorry about your father and I know there is nothing anyone can say to help you feel better about his passing. My little sister passed away in May and I have had the same questions about how to talk to my daughter about it. We were very close with her and it is hard for me to even talk about her but my daughter asks questions a lot so I feel like I need to be honest with her. The funeral was hard that was when a lot of the questions started coming. I don't know if you belive in God or another life but I do I not only belive I know and that is how I got through the pain because I know I will see her again and that is what I told my daughter. That we will she her Aunt again. She is so innocent and excepting. I pray for comfort for me and my family and I have gotten so much comfort I don't know how to get through all this pain otherwise. I hope this helps and I am sorry this is coming two months later I just joined. You will see your Dad again! Take Care.

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D.,

Words can't say how I feel for you and your son. I know no one can replace that loss in your heart. I would write down all the memories you have for you and your son right now. Take any pictures you have and make a special album just for the two of you. When he is older, he will have something to remember him by. You could also remember some of the things you did with your dad and do those with your son so he will have the family traditions stay with him.

If there is someone that could do some of the things that his grandpa did with him you could enroll him in a class or find someone that can teach him that.

I wish you the best during the holidays. My prayers go out to you and your son.

Take Care,
G.

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D., first of all I am so sorry for your loss. What a tragic and terrible event for you and your family.
Telling your son obviously won't be easy, but make sure you stay away from little white lies...."grandpa went away/vacation or is sleeping" etc. You don't have to tell him all the details of how he died, but make sure he knows he did die and that it's permanent. Death can be confusing enough for a child, but being afraid of "sleeping" because thats what grandpa did and he never came back can be terrifying. Good luck with everything and take care of yourself.

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I am so sorry you lost your dad in such a bad way, and I hope the drunk driver gets punished.

As for telling your son about his death - be honest.

Perhaps you can say "Grandpa passed away and went to see ____ in heaven (sorry if your not Christian). He will always be watching over you and loves you very much." And give him time to grieve too, school might be to much right away depending on how close they were. If there is a memorial service or funeral allow him to go and explain that it is a time that we use to say our goodbyes to our loved ones.

I would also tell my kids (9 and 6yo) that a drunk driver caused the accident that killed him. I lost a best friend because her b/f was driving drunk and I have always been honest with my kids about how bad drinking and driving is. It is really bad, but something like losing a loved one to drunk driving can prevent people from ever doing it.

Good luck and big hugs for you. I'm so sorry for your loss!!!!

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D.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am happy to see that you are reaching out and looking for help, though. I agree that your son should know the truth, and I think if you talk with his school, they may help you find some resources to help you and your son move forward.
My prayers and thoughts are with you today. This is something that could happen to any one of us, and I'm so sorry that it happened to your family.

A.

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I'm so sorry. This is a really tough situation.

Kids are so smart and intuitive. Your son probably knows a lot more than you realize. I think I would have a very honest but careful conversation with him explaining the truth...that Gpa died, that you all are very, very sad, that you aren't going to be able to see him anymore. Beyond that it really depends on what YOU believe happens to people after they die.....for example, do you want to say that Gpa is in heaven now? Do you want to say that your son can still talk to Gpa and that Gpa can hear him even if your son can't see him (like he can see you?) This is very personal.

Give your son credit even though his is still a young child. Hear him. Be very open to questions and no matter what, dont shut down any communication he tries to have with you about this. If he's asking you questions that you don't have the strength to answer right now, then tell him that...."Honey, I really want to talk to you more about this but right now I'm just so sad I cant talk. Can we write down your question here in this notebook and then in 1 week (or whatever) we can talk about it then?"

If you google "grief and children" you should be able to find a list of lots of children's books that discuss this sort of thing, too. Make sure you read them first to determine if YOU agree with what they say.

It's very healing to discuss happy memories with Gpa....and to talk about things that you'll miss about him.

If you have a funeral service or something like that I'd encourage you to let him attend. If he were a toddler he would be too young to really understand anything but at age 7 he can understand a lot more....and this gives him the chance to say goodbye...of course, if he doesn't want to, dont push it. Take his lead.

I dont know where you live but if you live in the Seattle/Eastside area you should be familiar with Evergreen Hospital in Kirkland. They have a Hospice dept - # ###-###-#### - and explain that you just had a death in the family and that you'd like to speak to their grief and bereavement person. They can help guide you through this. They have wonderful support group classes for you and your son....they often have pets at the children's groups...pets (with special training) can be another wonderful way to promote healing with children.

I dont know how to advise you about the drunk driving part. You could explain that his death was very unexpected but I dont think I'd say anymore than that right now - not until he's much older and understands what drunk driving means. I dont want your son to be scared to get in a car with you from now on.....I think you also need guidance on how to reassure him that you are not going to leave him like Gpa. I realize that it IS possible, but he doesn't....and right now I think he needs to hear that you will still be here for him and aren't leaving him. I realize that death isn't the same as leaving someone.....but a child may not.

Please get support any way you can for the both of you.

Good luck and God Bless.

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