Dealing with My Parents Enabling - Advice? How Do I Help My Brother?

H.,
While it's true that your brother lives with your parents, he IS an adult. Why not speak directly to him? Ask HIM if he'd like to stay with you for awhile. Ask HIM if he thinks he wants some speech therapy. Ask HIM what his future goals are. Your parents aren't the "gatekeepers" just because he lives there.
You say he's on meds for depression but his lack of motivation, schedule, job or goals seem to indicate that it's either not working for him or needs changed/adjusted maybe?
Would your parents consider going to an Alanon meeting, where co-dependency is discussed? It might help you too! Good luck!

How frustrating!! Don't you wish you had a magic wand to change everything overnight? Heres a little tidbit from me. My mother has Graves Disease, and that was diagnosed soon after she had me (around the age of 30). She was treated with radioactive iodine (don't know if that is done these days) and she went on to lead a perfectly normal, successful life, having 2 more children and maintaining the same job for over 30 years.
My point is, there is more going on with your brother than the Graves Disease, I honestly don't know if he is independent enough to live on his own, you say he has other issues, I don't know to what extent you mean. So hes either taking advantage of your parents or he just isn't really capable of doing things himself. Honestly, just from reading this it sounds like your parents cater to him too much, and he actually COULD be a contributing member of society if he was forced to. Also, I doubt that your parents will change, you have made your point and nobody feels the need to change anything. All thats left for you to do is talk to your brother and suggest a speech therapist/counseling to him and if he doesn't want to go, you will have to let it go. I KNOW that this must be frustrating, but once you have exhausted all options on your end, there is really nothing that you can do about it.

Holy Cow I am in the EXACT same boat almost.

I have an 11 year old baby brother who is extremely lazy, has a lot of anger issues and many, many other issues that I feel need to be dealt with professionally. Actually... one of the first questions I ever posted on this site was about him because he had wiped his feces all over our couch when they visited us... not once but 3 separate occasions. If you look into my profile you'll see where I posted it... but thats just an example.

My mom won't hear it either. Our dad died in 2006 and I think many of his issues are directly related to the fact that he never received ongoing, long term professional therapy - and neither did my mother. But ...none of the details matter.

My mom won't listen at all - gets angry and defensive.

My own counselor has told me that in situations like this, its best to get off a sinking ship. I have no legal rights, I have no say in what she does as a mother or what he does as a minor unless its illegal... sooooo, yeah.

Its really awful, but I've had to let it go. There isn't anything I can do, and I sure hope you get some more advice and answers, but from my perspective, there doesn't seem to be much you can do : (

Hang in there... hopefully you'll get more answers over the next few hours!

Have you tried talking to him directly? Would your husband have a man to man talk with him? Can you & your husband take him out for some fun like playing pool or darts. Does he enjoy hanging out with your family? You did mention that you don't believe he's ever been intimate with anyone so maybe you should consider NOT offering for him to live with you to babysit, take precautions since he has so many medical & mental issues going on that haven't been treated or properly diagnosed, just something to consider. I wish you and your family well.

I suspect there is a diagnosis going on beyond thyroid issues, but if your brother and your parents want to stay in this dysfunctional relationship there is little you can do. I think offering your brother to come to live with you is a bad idea. I don't know him but I think it is a fantasy to think you could schedule him. However, if he went to college for 7 years then we know he is a smart man with capability. Try talking to him, but before you do have a plan in mind. Ask him a few questions.

Do you want to live with Mom and Dad for the rest of your life? would be my first question. If he agreed to get a job or enter some kind of program possibly you and your parents could help him financially for a certain amount of time. Make an agreement. Search your community for clubs or groups you think might interest him.

Bottom line.......all you can really do is talk to your parents and your brother, but you can't move them if they refuse.

I'm so sorry.

Hmmm I have a somewhat similar situation but no answers. My younger brother was 21 when my parents moved back to their hometown in a different state from where we all grew up. He never went to college, and was living with them at the time (though he did have a job) and moved with them to a small town in PA with very little to offer in terms of jobs. He lived with them in their house until they bought him his own house to live in, but my Mom still "takes care of him" ie I actually think she gets his groceries etc. He does help maintain their house as he has electrical and general contracting skills but he hurt his knee right after they moved back there in 1992 and hasn't worked since. So he's 39 and not in a very good situation. My Mom also gets quite defensive if you ask her anything and he pretty much feels sorry for himself. My sister & I have never been able to figure out what to do. We'll watch for your responses.

Good luck.

Your brother is not your child. If your parents live into their 80's or 90's, he could have 20 or 30 more years before he's on his own. And let's face it. Even if he has his parents house to live in, how is he going to pay for utilities or taxes if he doesn't have a job? He's going to end up on the street. They should think about having him start living in an assisted living arrangement for the mentally challenged. If he starts now, he should be well adjusted to it by the time your parents pass away. If he can't get his days/nights sorted out, there might be night shifts he can work sorting things out in a recycling plant. Talking to your parents and brother is the only thing you can do, and if they ignore you - well, at least you tried. Sometimes you can see a train wreck coming, and you can shout 'Look out!' all you like, but there is no preventing the inevitable wreck.

If you've talked directly with him, there is nothing that you can do. He is an adult. He has chosen to accept this life style. You've talked with your parents. They believe that they're doing the right thing. You cannot change someone else.

In order to continue taking medication he has to see a doctor periodically. This means someone else is seeing him and most likely also making suggestions. It's his responsibility to decide what he will do. He is not of danger to himself or others. There is no legal way to force him into treatment.

Your parents and brother are co-dependent. I suggest that it would be helpful for you to learn about co-dependency. To continue to feel responsible for your brother is one characteristic that those of us who grew up co-dependent have. It's taken me years of therapy to be able to be concerned without feeling that I also need to take action. I still spend hours writing to my brother in hopes that he'll understand me and accept my feelings about an inheritance issue. He's not able to understand but yet I catch myself trying to help him understand. My continuing to try is a co-dependent characteristic.

Wanting to help your brother is commendable. I'm not saying that you're co-dependent. If you wanting to help is a need that you can't let go of you may be. Reading about co-dependency may help you realize on a soul level that you can't help him. It may also give you more insight into why this is happening so that you'll know that the relationships are too complicated even for a professional to change them.

Your brother is 28. You could not keep him on a somewhat normal schedule. He has the right to live as he chooses. If he were to move in with you you could only give him the choice to live with your schedule or move out. Which do you think he'd choose? Co-dependency is about boundaries. Your boundary would be to only let him live with you if he would change his schedule. You could have him live with you and continue to try to get him to change but you would then be violating his boundary. He's an adult and responsible for his choices.