Dealing with 12 Year Old Son's Behavior Problems

This is perhaps not the whole solution, but talk to him and listen carefully. Tell him you don't understand why this is happening,and how it makes you feel including the sadness you have over not being able to help. Ask him if he could help you understand the problem. Sometimes this happens when some kid says something that's really hurtful and your son has no defense against it so he just expresses his hurt by being nasty. You can't tell unless he has the guts to expose his hurt. But you must talk to him, remind him of the good kid he is and that he is greatly loved. Ask teachers if they know of anyone at school who has been giving him grief. Talking to teachers can also help them have a different ( more understanding) attitude. It's like how can we help and work with this M., instead of what do we have to do to this kid. Blessings on your efforts.
Nelda C.

M. of 5 grown kids and teacher of music.

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Hi L.,

As your son enters puberty, everything is going to be exacerbated tenfold. I just encourage you to hold steady with your boundaries. Make sure they are something you can consistently enforce. Continue to go to the counselor, but make sure the counselor has a similar set of values as you! Not all counselors are alike! Get ahold of "Boundaries" by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Best book I ever read for myself and dealing with relationships around me. Read this first and then get the companion book "Boundaries with Kids". If you try to read the kids one first, you won't have benefited from the first book which helps you see why YOU need boundaries and how YOU need to go about setting them. Finally, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Seek the Bible's wisdom too.

God Bless!
D. D. - mother of 16 year old son, 13 year old son, 9 year old daughter - I'm trying to practice what I preach! Yikes!

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I am a 36 year old mom of two boys 11 and 14 with ADHD and needless to say it can be and is challenging. Both our boys are on meds (which has been a struggle trying to find one that really works and getting insurance to cover it) anyway, I think you are doing your best with the discipline, you just have to be consistant, say it and stick to it. My 11 year old have become very mouthy this past year and we just have to keep reminding him how disrespectful it is. I am very strict and need to be, we have a lot of structure in our home and it helps, routine is good and chores, they do have a few chores and if not done they are punished (usually taking playstation or sports away) that has worked pretty good for us, they won't be perfect, but who is?!
Hang in there!!!

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It sounds like your son is starting puberty. I'm reading a really great book called Raising Boys Why Boys are Different--and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men. Between six to thirteen is says that the father is the key figure in the boys life. It also has a story about a father who had a son diagnosed with ADHD. When the father started spending more quality time with the boy the ADHD symptoms disappeared and the boys attitude changed. So maybe he needs a little more male guidance in regards to authority figures. I am by no means trying to say that your husband is not an active role model in your child's life. I'm also not saying that spending quality time with his father will make the symptoms disappear but I don't think it would hurt to have him spend time with his dad. You didn't mention the dad so maybe this isn't the case (in your blurb about you though it says that you are happily married) so I'm assuming.

Then it talks about how around 14 boys are starting to become men. They need mentors who are up for the job and that they can trust. You need to trust the mentor as well.

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L., You may want to consider doing some research on how diet can affect ADHD. As an adult who has ADHD I have learned to adjust my diet when I start to have problems. Protein plays a very important role. I think it could make a huge difference in your son's life!

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Hi!
I am a special education teacher with a degree in behavior disorders. I work with students who have ADHD. Have you tried rewarding? For example, tell him that if his behaviors are appropriate at school then when he gets home he gets 30 minutes of a certain privilage that he usually doesn't have(computer time, outside time, T.V. show, park, etc.). Then try the same at home. For example, good behavior equals 10 extra minutes before going to bed, etc. Make sure to make the good behaviors a BIG deal.

Also, one of the hardest things in the world...try not to yell. If you talk to him in a calm voice and let him know that he is not getting to you...he will get bored.

Hope this helps! I am not a doctor just work with it daily.
T.

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A friend of mine (this is gonna sound crazy!!) was having so much trouble with her son's meds that someone told her about Mountain Dew. It apparently has the opposite effect on ADHD kids. Anyway she took her son off of his meds (he's 15)and started letting him drink Mountain Dew....She says it is working and he doesn't have any of the side effects of the drugs.
I'm definately not telling you to what to do but you might want to do some research on this and see what you find out. I thought this was interesting and she swears by it.
I don't want to announce her info on here but if you would like to speak or write to her specifically I'm sure she wouldn't mind talking to you about her situation...Contact me and I'll contact her and you two can get together. She was having some of the same problems and was at a total loss as to what to do. He was really worrying them with his behavior.
Good luck hon.

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I have two children with ADHD one of which is 8 (boy) and the other a 10 year old girl. We battled this with both. The only suggestion I have for you is to try rewarding for good behavior to attact good behavior. We tried all the things you did..grounding etc. The behavior just got worse. Then we sat down and explained how everything was going to work. The good behavior would enduce good things for my children but bad behavior would only be "ignored"...when I say ignored I don't mean that literally but I wouldn't make a fuss about it. Simply send them to their room until they can apologize for what they said or did...of course in their room would be no priviledges..ie. tv, computer, phone, etc. You must be consistant and not back down. As far as school you need top go to the school and speak with his teachers he should have some documentation that allows for behavioral minutes through special education..this deters suspension or detention for uncontrollable behavior. My school calls at an IEP..yours may be different. I do hope this helps.
L. C.

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Look into James Lehman's program (they send you CD's and DVD's -- this program really works to turn around a kid who is being disrespectful, disobedient, etc. The program is called Total Transformation. James Lehman is a counselor who used to be one of "these" kids. Good luck, S. Troth

ps: One of the main premises James talks about is how our kids often "teach" us how to parent them. Their bad behavior causes us to respond in negative or unhelpful ways, and then that sets up a pattern, and wallah, the kids have us in their pockets!

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Hi L.,

I understand the frustration of 12 year old boys. You are on the right path with seeing a counselor.
We found adding a chore for each offence helped. If you mouthoff then you had to clean a 2 foot square of the kitchen floor (tile) with a toothbrush. My boys hate this!!! It helped. I will pray for you. Good luck.

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Does your son seem to be having any problems with any of his school work or possibly any of his classmates or teachers?Has anything changed for him as far as his daily routine at home or at school since you have noticed this change?I have two girls that also have adhd.I always seemed to notice a change in their behavior during the second semester of the school year because the work was starting to get harder for them and needed additional help.It was very frustrating for them.I also had to keep their daily routine the same.If we was to change babysitters or my hours were to change at work etc.We would always see a change in their behavior at home and at school.If I didn't let the school know as soon as a change in their routine took place then someone at school would be calling me within a weeks time from the routine change. They could always tell.If he takes medication for this it may also need to to be regulated.I took my girls to a speciality clinic that specialized in adhd and other disabilities and the would forward their results to a pediatrician so they worked together on my girls care plan.I know it is not easy being a parent of children with adhd.I hope whatever is causing your sons behavior problems is resolved soon for your sake as well as his.

L.

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Have you tried a positive reward system with him? As a teacher, I've found this can be helpful at home and at school. You could set up a chart for him - give him a sticker each time he is polite and doing what is expected. You could even make it in time incriments (for instance if he is polite and responsible for 15 minutes he gets a sticker) Then come up with a goal of how many stickers you expect him to earn (let him help decided) in a week and come up with a small prize - he gets to choose what to have for dinner, can watch an extra 30 minute tv show, or gets a small toy. Also, is he on medicine? If so, he may need to see the doctor for a new/different dosage. 12 is a growing age.

Hope this helps

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Hi L., I certainly don't have the answers and I can imagine how hard this must be - my oldest is 7yrs and I have noticed a link between her diet and her behavior - I'm not sure if you've tried any special diets, but I had read that often the foods kids eat can have a strong effect on their behaviors. I know this to be true for my daughter. You may just watch some of the foods that are typical culprits and see if they have an effect on your son. Also, I live by Love & Logic!! They have great suggestions on raising children, including those with ADHD. Good luck!

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I AM A PRACTICING PSYCHOLOGIST, AND WAS EXCITED WHEN YOU
SAID HE WAS HAVING COUNSELING. THERE IS ALWAYS REASONS
BEHIND THE BEHAVIOR, AND THE CHALLENGE IS TO FIND THESE
REASONS. I HAVE SEVERAL QUESTIONS: HOW MUCH QUALITY TIME
DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND SPEND WITH HIM? HAVE YOU ASK HIM
TO TELL YOU WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HIS LIFE, YOU LOVE, YOU
CARE, AND YOU WILL LISTEN IF HE WILL TELL YOU (WITHOUT GIVING HIM A SERMON). WE ALL WANT TO BE LOVED, HEARD AND
UNDERSTOOD, AND SO OFTEN THE FOCUS IS UPON CHANGING THEIR
BEHAVIOR WITHOUT SPENDING THE EFFORT TO KNOW WHAT IS
CAUSING THE BEHAVIOR. GOD BLESS, N. J ANDREW PhD
E MAIL: ____@____.com

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I'm having the same problems with my almost 11-year old. I've been told that during the latter part of 3rd grade through the 5th grade, boys develop an attitude that we don't understand. I've had teachers tell me that they've had kids come back from summer break who were cooperative and easy going when they left and a total different kid when they come back. I know it doesn't help much, but it sounds like a normal development. I've taken TV away until the attitude gets better and eventually it does.

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Something has changed perhaps in school, friends or bully or something is disturbing him. I would sit down with him and calmly ask him to write down on paper what has changed and what as parents you can do to help him. Then be an arbitrator and sit down with the list and discuss what is worth battling and what is not. No, can not be the only answer. Perhaps tell him we can try this however if you take advatage or it does not work out this will stop. tell him you will trust him until he gives reasons not to. This helps with decision making and maturing. Good luck

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My advice is to also see a nutrionist. Processed foods are a big factor in behavior issues. Diet is a hard thing to change so I think a nutrionist to guide you and maybe a supprt group. Best wishes!

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I also have a pre-teen (in fact, when he turned 11, he actually said, "you know, Mom, I'm now a pre-teen...so you better watch out"). Behavior issues pop up now & then, but so far he hasn't really pushed us yet. (unlike our older son who's 20 & just recently learned how to behave like an human...!)
Anyway, what about trying to reward/accentuate the positive? Applaud the "good" moments, don't take them for granted. With my older son, I had a really challenging teenhood. In the end, the only thing that worked was either ignoring the "bad" (he knew what he was doing) OR I treated it with humor...as in "you've got to be kidding me, you did not just say that. Tell me you did not just say that"...or "did that" or whatever the situation called for...sometimes I would even stand with my hands on my hips & say, "oh, my gosh, how old are you?"
This was something that I was able to do, but not my husband nor my parents. They were all appalled & personally-offended by A LOT of his choices/actions/language. While I also was horrified by his behavior, I was able to realize that 95% of the time, he simply fed off of my response. I used to tell him that just because teenagers think that life sucks...it doesn't give him the right to suck the life out of everyone around him. He did not find this funny, nor helpful...but it allowed me to express my feelings without the confrontation escalating.
We also used the school counselor, anger management thru school, & a private counselor. In the end, it was simply time & patience that paid off. I think his teen years were hardest on my husband, because he had never dealt with these issues before. (& yet his Mom had with her younger children). I repeatedly said to my husband..."just think what it was like when your Mom had 6 teens all at the same time". He did not appreciate my comments then or now! Good Luck to you & your family.

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ADHD aside, he is changing inside and out like you don't know! And he doesn't get it either. Be sure and tell him that he is slowly becoming a man and that A LOT will be changing. The next couple of years are going to be tough but you hold steadfast to simple facts, such as:
He has choices to make and his behavior, for the most part, is a choice. My son did very well when given choices as well. Let your son know that with this behavior choice comes "this" consequence and with a different (better) choice comes "this" consequence, and ask him which one he wants. Make him verbally responsible for his own actions before they happen and carry through, quite simply, if he chooses wrong. Continue to let him know what is acceptable and what is not. Your frustration is not in vain! Don't give in, take one day at a time, when you feel like crying...there is nothing wrong with that!

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My first advice is to think about what is REALLY important to your son...what he likes, enjoys, and wants to do in his down time. Think about using these as rewards/reinforcers for good behavior at home and good behavior at school. Hopefully school staff is communicating behavior (good and bad). Consistency is vital. In extreme cases ALL these things may be removed and earned back. Make it very clear what is expected and put it in writing!
Often times, those with ADHD are not always in control of their actions, acting impulsively, acting and THEN thinking of the consequences of those actions. In some cases, medication can greatly help children function more successfully in school.

M. S.

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Have the doctor's check his med levels. It's not uncommon for kids--esp. boys--body chemistry to change as they hit puberty. It can effect the benefits of the medicines. We have had to adjust my son's straterra and depakote levels as he has gained weight and age. Keep in mind, he's still a kid and this age 12-16 is some of the hardest years for any child!
S.

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He's 12! It happens to all 12 year olds, male and female alike. It's part of growing up! All you can do is be patient and continue to show him right from wrong. You can only teach by setting the example. It will take some time, probably a lot of time! With prayer and patience you both will live through it. He's perfectly normal!

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